I've battled depression for most of my life as well. I've tried to find truth or meaning to why I'm here in everything from science to religion. I often get to feeling like it's a big joke as well, but I'm too cowardly to attempt suicide. I just find myself trudging along, hoping that someday I might find an answer to my purpose. In the end, I just have to come terms with the fact that "I am". Even though I'm often an emotional wreck, I put on a smile and help when I can. I try to be as decent of a person as I can be, because nobody else seems to be trying to be, so I might as well be one of the few that is. It's tough, it feels unfair, and I've shed enough tears to last several lifetimes. But for some reason I hold on to that glimmer of hope that things will get better, that karma does exist, and that I'll eventually find out why "I am". And it gives me a small amount of comfort.