Men: Vaginas with teeth is a terrifying concept. Also men: Boy I love getting blowjobs
GasBandit
Ask me about my Reprehensible Filth 43 From Gas' Texan Tile and Pork Sausage Distillery
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Job requirements be like "we need a virgin with 12 years experience with sex"
It's bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to refer to it as "The Scottish Laptop"
Just because you're going 5mph over the speed limit doesn't mean you can get in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real, here.
Not to slut shame, but you all could be much sluttier if you'd actually put in the effort. Come on, step it up.
Shall I compare thee to a sunset? Because it's EVERY FUCKIN DAY WITH YOU I SWEAR TO GOD
Happy 3:16! Remember, God so loved the world that He sent Himself to sacrifice Himself to Himself to save humanity from the torment He said we deserve for breaking rules He designed while knowing completely that we were incapable of following them to His satisfaction.
Look, all I'm saying is, every single person who confuses correlation with causation ends up dying.
If you're looking for some life lessons, here's a place to start: You will never be unhappy that you didn't trust a fart.
Maybe the reason so many guys have foot fetishes is because they lost their virginity to a sock.
Times are tough, so I will be once again selling nudes. $5 to get one. $25 to not get one.
Twitter is where people who don't read books go to argue with the authors who wrote them.
How does a Hippie Polygamist count his wives? One Mrs. Hippie, Two Mrs. Hippie...
Mashed potatoes is just Irish Guacamole.
Y'all don't know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years.
Sexual Innuendo? I can keep it up all night.
When I die, I'll be going to hell. If not to be punished, then probably to be someone else's punishment.
Turns out, the guy who killed Batman's parents saved SO many lives....
People are shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
Nobody digs a well at the top of a hill. WTF were Jack and Jill doing up there...?
Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your facebook will do.
"Soundcloud" is just a fancy ass word for "fart."
To this day, I'm still disgruntled that I was forced to learn to write in cursive as a child. It has literally never been useful.
20 years ago, people escaped from the real world into the internet. Now people escape from the internet into the real world.
It's so vulgar and unintellectual to call it "cum." Instead, call it high fructose porn syrup.
Of all the bodily functions that COULD have been contagious, we are lucky it turned out to be yawning.
Brushing your teeth is the only time you ever clean your skeleton.
My body is a temple. Ancient, crumbling, cursed, haunted.
Does running out of fucks to give count as cardio?
I demand to be in good shape and I refuse to do anything to make that happen. Those are my terms.
My favorite childhood memory is the lack of joint pain.
As long as you stay current on memes you can never truly be old - Dei, 1/24/2019
I might be white, but I'm not "Let's go see what that noise was" white.
Babies sure stare a lot for somebody that doesn't know how to fight.
Like hornets, ticks do actually serve a larger, important role in the earth's ecosystem - they teach the compassionate the necessity and virtue of hate.
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