Co-Parenting Woes
- Thread starter Shawn
- Start date
No progress on visitation front. They happen but H still does not interact with me. I got her to smile and almost giggle though. She was trying to ignore me at the park by swinging. I jumped in front of her and slapstick-style pretended to be struck by her forward motion. She tried to hide the giggle but both the monitor and I saw it.
She’s still in there.
She’s still in there.
I have 2 scheduled facetimes with H each week. She never shows her face on the screen and usually won't interact with me in any way. Usually I just try to take advantage of the non-interaction and just read to her from a book like I used to when she would stay the night. (My Teacher is an Alien is the current selection). Lately though she's started trying to get into these circular arguments with me that I can see are intended to try and make me upset. I try to logic with her but then she just uses counter "logic" that could only have come from her mother. My own kid gaslighting me is a pretty dark moment for our relationship. A few weeks ago she started using the word "aggressive" to describe me during phone calls. Not a complicated word, but doesn't seem like a word that a 12-year old would be using like she is without a bit of coaching. I asked her what she felt the word meant to her and her response was "You should know". I'd respond with "I think I do. But I'd like to hear what you think it means." and she'd say "I know what it means but I don't want to say." I'd call her out on her bluff and say "It doesn't sound like you feel very confident with what you think it means", and then it would just devolve into her repeating herself.
That week I'd get a message from S saying that H was upset because I was belittling her and implying that she's stupid. Basically code for "I heard about your conversation so I spun it around and told H you were insulting her intelligence."
In the few weeks since then I've made it clear to H that I love her, am proud of her, and think she is a bright, and amazing kid. But now she's just adding "Yeah, well you called me stupid" as an continuing response. I'll remind her that I never said that, but then it's just "But you did call me stupid" right back, and so on. She even clearly seems to be taking some joy in this from the giggly tone in her voice.
Yes most might agree that's what arguing with a 12 year old is like, but I have to make a point and say that this is what having an argument with S was like too. I watched a decent video about Parental Alienation recently that summed up what I'm experiencing the best: I have not been talking or interacting with H. I have been talking to an H puppet, and S holds her strings. Logic is pointless right now until I can get the courts to cut those strings.
At this point I just want to just open the call with telling her I love her and I'm proud of her, then just start right into reading, but now she is interrupting me to tell me to stop. Most likely because her mom suggested it.
Come May this crap has been going on for a year. We'll be going back to court eventually but right now it's just a waiting game.
That week I'd get a message from S saying that H was upset because I was belittling her and implying that she's stupid. Basically code for "I heard about your conversation so I spun it around and told H you were insulting her intelligence."
In the few weeks since then I've made it clear to H that I love her, am proud of her, and think she is a bright, and amazing kid. But now she's just adding "Yeah, well you called me stupid" as an continuing response. I'll remind her that I never said that, but then it's just "But you did call me stupid" right back, and so on. She even clearly seems to be taking some joy in this from the giggly tone in her voice.
Yes most might agree that's what arguing with a 12 year old is like, but I have to make a point and say that this is what having an argument with S was like too. I watched a decent video about Parental Alienation recently that summed up what I'm experiencing the best: I have not been talking or interacting with H. I have been talking to an H puppet, and S holds her strings. Logic is pointless right now until I can get the courts to cut those strings.
At this point I just want to just open the call with telling her I love her and I'm proud of her, then just start right into reading, but now she is interrupting me to tell me to stop. Most likely because her mom suggested it.
Come May this crap has been going on for a year. We'll be going back to court eventually but right now it's just a waiting game.
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The last few nights during our calls, H has been using some interesting phrases. She said that when she always was pretending just to have fun during the visits over the last six years was a "safety mechanism" and that defending myself constitutes "acting like the victim". Boy do I remember where I used to hear those two phrases consistently...
I scheduled a visit with H this weekend that was able to go a little differently. We went to an arcade with claw machines, which H really enjoys. I got her a card with some credits on it which she used up in about 20 minutes or so. She still wouldn’t talk to me and part of the “deal” was I let her and the monitor go off by themselves. But at least I got her to do something on my dime.