Over sensitive or Slighted?

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Okay. I just picked up Jet from day care. The provider for his group came out to meet me.

"We're having a lot of trouble with him. " She says.

I'm a bit confused. I was talking with the other ladies and the day care owner just Wednesday and asked how he was doing. I was told they rarely had problems with him and he was funny as heck. So I asked what the problem was.

She told me that he is day dreamy and doesn't listen. He doesn't sit sitll during quiet time like the rest of the children and wants to talk and do other things. I listen to this. I understand, Jet is accustomed to a later nap or no nap at all. He's also the kind of kid that need to be engaged on a near constant basis for anyone to have any peace.

He's also being followed by the local children's hospital. He may have aspergers or ADHD. I'll know later in December.

I'm about to explain this to her when she opens her mouth and says, "I think he may be slow or something."

I pause, not quite believing my ears. I then explain him being followed by the hopsital.

"Oh. They'll probably diagnose him with something. It mgiht explain why h won't use the toilet too."

At this point I feel a bubbling in my chest...indignation and a bit of anger. Jet is standing there...and goes down stairs with out me I excuse myself and leave.

Now, am I being over sensitive or does this lady have NO buisness talking so disdainfully about my kid? Especially in front of him.

I've had problems with her before. I get the feeing she just doesn't like either me or Jet. Should I complain?
 

Dave

Staff member
Slighted. Complain. She has no place saying these things to you and she obviously has an issue with your kid, especially since she feels she can say things like this around him.

My reaction would have been, "Oh HELL no!"
 
I would base my reaction completely on whether her concern was genuine and at whom it was directed. If she is seriously concerned with Jet, then no matter how condescending it seems, she is trying her best to help, and you should reassure her that this is a concern which is already being looked into by medical professionals.

If, on the other hand, her concern sounds like it is more about the other kids, then I would feel slighted and determine whether or not this environment* was right for your child.

--Patrick
*with her as overseer, specifically.
 
I don't know her, but in general I find it's best to start under the assumption that people aren't lying, and generally they are trying to communicate something they feel is important.

However, I also recognize that people see things differently, and may be having a harder day than normal, so it's usually best to say, "This concerns me, since this is different than what I've been hearing up until today. I don't have time now, but I'd like to sit down with you and at least one other of the daycare staff to discuss how long these issues have been occurring and their severity."

Then set up a time - hopefully within a day or two - to do just that.

Make sure you hear it from more than one person, so it's a bit more objective, and ask for specific examples of the poor behavior, how long and how frequent, is it constant, or does it occur in bursts throughout the day. Then ask what they do to redirect and teach him, and what they do to avoid these issues. Does someone check on him every few minutes to make sure he's doing ok, or is he left to his own devices for long stretches of time? Are his interactions with other kids normal, or is he getting frustrated because others are not sharing, or forcing him to share? How large are the group activities that he is showing disinterest in? Is it all group activities, or only certain ones?

The intention is to meet together at a time when everyone is happy and awake, rather than at the end of the day and tired, and understand all the issues, and the best course of action. Making sure they understand that you are pursuing diagnostics that might lend some insight. Also, make sure they understand that you are interested in discussing these issues with your son and teaching him at home as well so that things go easier for them - this is a group of people all interested in his well-being, and all are willing and able to work towards that common goal - you don't expect them to do everything, and they shouldn't expect you to do everything.

You should also make it clear that while they themselves might use ambiguous and outdated terminology such as "slow", they should refrain from using it around you and your children. If they must refer to disorders they should use medical terms so that you can both understand what is being talked about. The term "slow" may be offensive to some, but worse - it's very ambiguous, and doesn't lead anyone to try to understand the problem, it only leads to further misunderstanding. Further, unless they have the ability to perform a medical diagnosis, they should only ever discuss symptoms, and allow you to discuss them with your medical care provider for further diagnosis.

In general, I don't think people who talk like that mean harm, but they should be gently reminded that you have boundaries and they crossed it, but you do want to resolve the issues with their help.
 
Slighted to the Nth degree. Tell that bitch the fuck off. I have Aspergers, and when your a kid and someone tells you to your face that you are "slow" it hurts like a mother-fucker.
 

Cajungal

Staff member
Completely unprofessional and rude. Definitely complain. "Slow or something?" Did she complete her education in the 50s? It's her duty to express concerns, but there's a right way and a wrong way, for God's sake.
 
She was well within bounds to express concerns to you, but calling him "slow" and doing it front of him was rude and unprofessional. She should have talked to you one on one, and simply left it at "I'm concerned with how much time he spends day dreaming" or something. This woman needs to be told how she fucked up. I agree with Steinman that she probably didn't mean anything offensive, but that's no excuse.
 
I don't know her, but in general I find it's best to start under the assumption that people aren't lying, and generally they are trying to communicate something they feel is important.

However, I also recognize that people see things differently, and may be having a harder day than normal, so it's usually best to say, "This concerns me, since this is different than what I've been hearing up until today. I don't have time now, but I'd like to sit down with you and at least one other of the daycare staff to discuss how long these issues have been occurring and their severity."

Then set up a time - hopefully within a day or two - to do just that.

Make sure you hear it from more than one person, so it's a bit more objective, and ask for specific examples of the poor behavior, how long and how frequent, is it constant, or does it occur in bursts throughout the day. Then ask what they do to redirect and teach him, and what they do to avoid these issues. Does someone check on him every few minutes to make sure he's doing ok, or is he left to his own devices for long stretches of time? Are his interactions with other kids normal, or is he getting frustrated because others are not sharing, or forcing him to share? How large are the group activities that he is showing disinterest in? Is it all group activities, or only certain ones?

The intention is to meet together at a time when everyone is happy and awake, rather than at the end of the day and tired, and understand all the issues, and the best course of action. Making sure they understand that you are pursuing diagnostics that might lend some insight. Also, make sure they understand that you are interested in discussing these issues with your son and teaching him at home as well so that things go easier for them - this is a group of people all interested in his well-being, and all are willing and able to work towards that common goal - you don't expect them to do everything, and they shouldn't expect you to do everything.

You should also make it clear that while they themselves might use ambiguous and outdated terminology such as "slow", they should refrain from using it around you and your children. If they must refer to disorders they should use medical terms so that you can both understand what is being talked about. The term "slow" may be offensive to some, but worse - it's very ambiguous, and doesn't lead anyone to try to understand the problem, it only leads to further misunderstanding. Further, unless they have the ability to perform a medical diagnosis, they should only ever discuss symptoms, and allow you to discuss them with your medical care provider for further diagnosis.

In general, I don't think people who talk like that mean harm, but they should be gently reminded that you have boundaries and they crossed it, but you do want to resolve the issues with their help.
I totally get you're trying to think on the side of reason, but some people really are just worthless sacks of flesh in the wrong career. You are right on what should be done though.
 
I should mention that this lady insisted I pick him up a full 45 minutes early every day because he's disruptive during quiet time. However, every time I pick him up he's just sitting reading or playing the corner quietly. I think disruptive to her is "not lying down and giving me a break'. The other staff always tells me that I don't have ot come that early, he's perfect as he is.

It's also intersting to me that his good bye routine with the other staff is to give them a hug, a kiss and a hand shake...but he just breezes by this lady. He won't even look at her.
 
Sounds like he and she don't get along. You can probably say, "I'll give your concerns all the attention they deserve." And leave it at that, as long as she doesn't continue to take her frustrations out on your kid.

If you have time, consider dropping in and observing the other workers and her, and see how well they work with your child.

But more and more it sounds like she is the problem, not him.[DOUBLEPOST=1352520853][/DOUBLEPOST]Talking with two of them at a time or a well placed "that strange, none of the other workers have a single problem with him" might give you some useful information in the response.
 
I'm tempted to believe the problem is more her than him, too, considering other staff hasn't complained or made any comment.
From what we've heard here and in other threads, Jet is either just a very energetic kid, or might have a (slight) form of Asperger's, AD(H)D,,... whatever - I'll leave that to people who're closer to him and have more knowledge. Still, that makes him harder to handle than many other kids.
Frankly, if Jet won't lie down adn be quiet during quiet time, the right response is to try and tire him out a bit beforehand. If he's spending the hour before naptime reading or dreaming, he won't be as tired as when he's just been roughhousing/playing/pottering in the yard/whatever. It's her job to get kids active during active time and sleepy during sleepy time; if she can't do that with children who need a bit more attention or a different approach than she's probably in the wrong line of work.

That said, do talk to other staff - perhaps they don't mind that he's (over-)active and/or dreamy, but they do notice and just haven't told you.

As some others here, I'm tempted to be positive and assume she means well but just expresses herself badly.
 
It's her job to get kids active during active time and sleepy during sleepy time; if she can't do that with children who need a bit more attention or a different approach than she's probably in the wrong line of work.
This is a good point and makes me thing she's the kind of daycare worker who sits on the side "watching" the kids rather than actively engaging them i.e. doing her job.
 
Ok. I figure I should update on how this worked out.

I called the day care after the long weekend. I talked to the admin and gave her the exact conversation. She stammered. I asked her how she wanted to handle it. She said she would speak to the woman in question and then talk to me when I dropped Jet off the next day.

So I dropped Jet off the next morning but the admin wasn't there but neither was the lady. I got him that afternoon and they were both there, down stairs and the lady apologized for her poor choice of words, she seemed sincere. One of the most awkward convos I ever had.
 
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