Question about parents of older kids

Cajungal · Jan 30, 2014

I would just like some insight/opinions from parents whose kids are now adults, or from people who have been in a similar situation.

My sister recently confided in me that our mom has been displaying some weird behavior towards her. In a nutshell, she's had some semi-serious health problems (all resolved now, thank God) that mom kind of waves off as unimportant in weird ways: changing the subject when she's in the middle of a sentence, telling our dad it's time to leave when they're in the middle of a conversation... And it's happened too often for it to be coincidence.

Mom will also go out of her way to check up on me and my younger brother a lot more, too. I yawned in her presence a week or so back, and she made a big deal about whether or not I was getting enough sleep. This was the same day my sister had a breast cancer scare and started getting help for panic attacks. I've noticed little things like this more and more.

Some background: my sister thinks this is because she was the problem child. She fought mom and dad, sometimes physically, moved in with guys just to get away from them, had huge anger issues...A lot of mistakes. But for about 10 years she's been a kind, loving daughter who takes the time to do nice things for mom and dad. She's a model mom herself and is the "leader" sibling--the strong one who we can depend on. I know they love her, but dad treats her the same as us and mom doesn't. My sister's feeling guilty for her old, long-gone ways and keeps getting shut out by our mom. She calls often, brings the grand kids to visit, cooks for them.. I'm at a loss.

I guess my question is this: Have you ever had a family member who did this with their kids, in a way that seemed very clueless? Mom doesn't seem to act out of spite, but out of thoughtlessness.

I try to get my sister to talk to mom honestly, but it's always something. There's always some reason why she would be "too sensitive" for this talk: trouble at work, sick parents, funerals, menopause... She won't do it. So all I can do is listen to her.

Anyway... Any insights or helpful words are appreciated.

sixpackshaker · Jan 30, 2014

Some parents don't take the mortality of their kids well. It may be a weird coping mechanism on her part.

CrimsonSoul · Jan 30, 2014

My mom never wants to watch my kids or have us over for dinner and we live less than 3 minutes away and on Facebook about once a month she has my sisters or there kids over. Last year my wife and I had one date night (the entire year) because of this but now I'm just ranting. My dad lives half an hour away and comes to visit the kids twice a month on average (but he doesn't keep them over night because his wife is psycho)

Chad Sexington · Jan 30, 2014

I'm not sure I can offer advice, but I am going through something similar with my own mother. However, in my situation, I am the unrebellious child (relatively speaking, I mean, I was a teenager), but my mother doesn't speak to me beyond the superficial as of late. Meanwhile, I am the one who makes an effort to visit, cook dinner, have them over for dinner, invite them out. I've spent some time thinking about why this might be; when I'm not at work I can type up some of my thoughts on the subject, though I don't know what help they'll be.

Cajungal · Jan 30, 2014

sixpackshaker said:
Some parents don't take the mortality of their kids well. It may be a weird coping mechanism on her part.

I hadn't thought of that. But she does it with good news too (sorry I don't mention that as well--I was feeling long-winded). She's got a new job and started this new fitness challenge and mom doesn't let we get a word in about that either. I wonder if it got worse after the illnesses though... Worth asking her maybe.

grub · Jan 30, 2014

My mother in-law is half hour away and my fil is about 45 min away and they never come over of have us and the kids over. On the other my parents are 3.5 hrs away and we see them every 2 months or so. Some people are just not good at relationships.

WasabiPoptart · Jan 30, 2014

For some parents they don't ever see their children as having changed/grown up/moved on as the years have gone by. A few years ago my mother would have told you that I am a bitch with little regard for anyone's feelings and even less patience for stupidity. Sure, as a teenager and in my early 20's I was impatient and demanding as far as people living up to my standards, but my views, values, and ideals changed as I matured. I know I am not that person any more. To my parents I still am (though my mother has admitted I am much more diplomatic and sympathetic than I used to be).
OR...
Perhaps your mom sees herself as to blame for your sister being the problem child when she was younger. Now that your sister has changed for the better maybe your mom is afraid she will do something or say something wrong that will cause your sister to go back to her wild ways.[DOUBLEPOST=1391124491,1391123997][/DOUBLEPOST]

grub said:
My mother in-law is half hour away and my fil is about 45 min away and they never come over of have us and the kids over. On the other my parents are 3.5 hrs away and we see them every 2 months or so. Some people are just not good at relationships.

When we lived in San Diego, my in-laws were just over an hour away in Anaheim. My parents live in NJ. My mom (or both of my parents if my dad closed the business down) flew out to see us 3 or 4 times as often as my in-laws came to see us. Even when they did, they would stay for about 30 minutes and leave. They've been to Hawaii once while we've been here and barely spent time with us despite it being Christmas. My parents, separately or together, have come out here about 5 times. As a matter of fact, they're planning to visit again in April.

strawman · Jan 30, 2014

It can be very hard to change patterns of interaction one has used for years with another person. There's no easy way to hit the reset button.

I would suggest they both sit down with a counselor. If it is just a discussion with the sister, mom won't take it seriously. She might take it seriously if you sit down with her and talk it out. Tell her what you've observed, that it bothers you, and see what she thinks. She may not realize she's slighting your sister, perhaps she's still acting out defensive patterns she developed when your sister was younger.

I don't know what the right answer is, but it'll probably involve more communication than is currently happening.

Bowielee · Jan 31, 2014

It may be similar to my situation. When I was a little kid, I was mom's best friend, basically. When I became a rebellious teenager, I couldn't wait to get out of the house. Ever since I moved out, my mother has always gone out of her way to help my siblings, but when I ask for ANYTHING, I get shut out. She's still warm and loving and all that, but she obviously harbors some resentment about my basically abandoning her.

For example, when I went back to college, my mother refused to take care of my dog. She literally would rather have had him sent to the pound than take care of him. Whereas my step sister needed her to watch her dog, well, basically just because they didn't want the dog around for a while and my mother has had that dog at her house for a year. Same situation with all other siblings asking for money. I've literally been one paycheck away from homeless and got no help wheras they have gotten help left and right.