[Question] Thanksgiving: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A

Anonymous

Anonymous

Hi all!

I've been agonizing over something for the past few weeks, and now I would like to get some outside advice from you all.

I live in California, and my elderly parents live in Nevada (about 45 minutes east of Las Vegas). My father has numerous health problems and his mobility is severely limited as a result. My mother is more mobile, but she has both COPD and Stage 4 breast cancer. The last time I was out to see them was 10 months ago. I took my family with me, and it did not go well. My mom made some very frustrating choices in how she interacted with us (being passive-aggressive, trying to manipulate us into certain decisions, sulking when we did not go along with every part of her plans, etc.). My dad has been very distant and disconnected to interacting with other people for a while, and mostly just kept to himself on his computer. My girlfriend and our daughter had a horrible time, culminating in my parents giving us the cold shoulder at the end of the trip because we did not choose to stay an extra day simply because they wanted us to.

Now, because I still love my parents, I wanted to fly back out to them so things did not end on such a sour note. As I said, my mother has Stage 4 breast cancer and I have no idea how much time I have left with her. I planned to fly out for Spring Break back in April, but then COVID-19 hit the country. I cancelled my flight and stayed at home. In September things started to look better for for COVID numbers and my mom's health started to look worse, so I thought it would be a good idea to go see my parents for Thanksgiving. I knew it was risky to try it, but I felt that the risk would be worth it since I may not have many other chances in the future. I planned to drive alone, only stopping for gas, so I could limit my exposure to other people and limit chances of infection.

Since I told them I was going to come out things have changed dramatically. As you are all no doubt aware, the country is getting worse and worse as we head into a second wave of COVID (or the first wave coming back, whatever). My parents informed me that my aunt, uncle, and two cousins are travelling from Oregon to come visit them during Thanksgiving too. My cousins have decided to make a road trip of it, going to visit friends in Washington and California before driving down for Thanksgiving. My brother heard about all this and wants to surprise my parents by flying in from Washington. So now instead of a small 3 person gathering (just me and my parents), we now have 6 guests coming in from 3 states, and two of those guests are going on a road trip to see multiple people along the way.

To make things worse, my brother is a Trump supporter who often talks about how the country overreacted, COVID isn't that bad, etc. He scoffs at most of the common recommendations for preventing infection, such as wearing a mask or not going out. My parents have been downplaying the danger too, having friends come over and out of town visitors on occasion. My mom can't wear a mask because of her COPD, but refuses to have a delivery service bring groceries or do curbside pickup. In summary, no one else in my family is taking this threat seriously. Everyone thinks that the pandemic is exaggerated or distant enough to not be a concern.

AND IT GETS BETTER! My girlfriend's work is very strict about protecting from Covid. Because I am traveling to another state, I have to quarantine myself upon my return for 2 weeks. Otherwise she would have to quarantine with me, and be cut off from work for 2 weeks (and get into a ton of trouble, since her work doesn't look kindly on employees engaging in potentially risky behavior). If I come home, have contact with her, and she doesn't inform them or quarantine, she would be fired immediately. So what does this mean? I get to rent a hotel room from two weeks after I get back so I don't completely screw up my girlfriend's life. Also, our daughter has had extended family members acting reckless about COVID (going to parties, traveling to crowded places, going out to bars) and we've been trying to teach her that it's wrong and irresponsible. I can't come back and break those same rules.

So the TL;DR summary: Is it worth potentially being exposed to COVID and disrupting my life for 2+ weeks in order to see my dying mother for Thanksgiving? Or should I wait for better circumstances to go visit, with the risk there may not be another chance?
 
I am thinking of traveling to see my mother. I have not seen her since this summer when her arm healed.

No real family drama, but I am worried about exposing her. Even though I am pretty careful. I still have to go to town for work or grocery shopping. And these idiots in this neck of the woods are not wearing their damned masks.

If any of my brothers go, I will likely not go.
 
No, it's not. Maybe you could self-isolate for one or two weeks, go visit them a while after TG when there's no one else there, come home, and isolate again. Going out to see multiple people with comorbidities, and some people who are deliberately ignoring the procedures? You might as well play Russian roulette with your parents.
 
Those are some tough circumstances. All I'd say is if you want to see your mom, go ahead of Thanksgiving if you can swing it. At least that way you minimize risk to you and your kid/girlfriend.
 
Under those circumstances, I wouldn't go.

At least, not when everyone else is. I'd delay by a month--and if by then the country's so bad you can't go, them's the shitty breaks. But that's the decision I'd make.
 
Under the circumstances you’ve shared, I wouldn’t go. The risk to both sides is far too great especially since others have invited themselves and will be behaving recklessly en route.

The quarantine is also a consideration and you are looking at doing it away from

Is there any way to chat via FaceTime or something and be part of thanksgiving that way?
 
I wouldn't take the chance. I'm so sorry your parents' health is so bad, but as others have said, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Like others have said, I'd either go out early, or set up some kind of video chat with your parents on Thanksgiving. With all those people there ( :facepalm: ), SOMEONE should know how to set one up. Don't put you, your girlfriend, or your daughter's health at risk for this.
 

Dave

Staff member
How much would it hurt to rent a hotel for two weeks? Jesus, that's a god chunk of change. And also a handy excuse to not be able to go.
 
It sounds heartless, but I wouldn't go. I would look into some kind of telepresence instead.
Everything could go just fine, or a handful of people might die. It's like a teacher telling you that successfully hitting the wastebasket with a balled-up piece of paper will net you nothing, but if you miss you fail the course. The risk outweighs the reward, IMO.

--Patrick
 
The rational decision would appear to be to not go. However, when it comes to your dying mother, I can understand that sometimes the rational choice might not be the right one for you. Therefore I concur with the idea that you should find another time to go, when it'll just be you and your parents. Video chatting may also be an option, but it's not quite the same as being there in person.

Also, this is assuming you'll be ok, financially and otherwise, with a 2 week hotel quarantine when you get back.
 
I'm going to add my voice to the Don't Go pile. The risks are just too great, even with this potentially being the last time you see your parents. I think your family decided this for you by not following simple guidelines and they may ultimately end up paying the price for it.
 
The short answer to this is no.

The long answer is fuck no.

There is so much potential for disaster here it's frightening. With the news getting worse by the minute, there's no way in hell you or any of them should go. Or even consider going.
 
Sometimes the universe gives you instant feedback.

I am the OP for this thread. After deliberating for the past few days (including considering what you all had said) I decided not to go. Everyday the spread of COVID-19 is getting worse and worse, and multiple experts and politicians are warning people not to travel.

So I called my parents and explained my decision to stay home. They were surprisingly understanding. After I hung up I felt better, but I still had some regrets about possibly not seeing my mom.

In an odd twist of fate, my cousin texted immediately afterward. This is the same cousin who was going to drive down. It turns out she tested positive for COVID over a week ago, and she already spread it to my aunt and uncle (again, same ones who were going to come down).

So three of the eight people who were going to be at Thanksgiving have COVID. And apparently my aunt and uncle aren’t doing so well.

If my cousin had gotten sick just a few weeks later she could have brought it with her to Nevada.

My cousin and aunt are going to call my parents tomorrow to let them know. Now it’s down to whether or not my brother will go (he shouldn’t). But I’m staying home, and I feel completely justified.
 
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Dave

Staff member
just pointing out that staying in a hotel for 2 weeks would probably be way more likely to infect you than the initial trip
I'm not doubting you because I just don't know, but what is the reason for this? If you isolate in a hotel you can still be safe. Unless you are saying in a hotel you have to go out for meals whereas at home you may already have food, but I tend to stay in hotels that have kitchens in them so it wouldn't apply universally. I will admit, however, that the kind of rooms I stay in would be really expensive for two weeks.
 

GasBandit

Staff member
I'm not doubting you because I just don't know, but what is the reason for this? If you isolate in a hotel you can still be safe. Unless you are saying in a hotel you have to go out for meals whereas at home you may already have food, but I tend to stay in hotels that have kitchens in them so it wouldn't apply universally. I will admit, however, that the kind of rooms I stay in would be really expensive for two weeks.
Speaking as someone who has had to stay in hotels for work multiple times since COVID started, I don't think Charlie's right, here.

Most hotels in Texas, at least, now have a single occupancy mandate in place (only one person per room allowed), require face masks in all public spaces, have completely stopped the breakfast service (they might provide to-go bags instead), and a lot don't even open the front door automatically anymore - people have to be let in in controlled numbers.
 
Speaking as someone who has had to stay in hotels for work multiple times since COVID started, I don't think Charlie's right, here.

Most hotels in Texas, at least, now have a single occupancy mandate in place (only one person per room allowed), require face masks in all public spaces, have completely stopped the breakfast service (they might provide to-go bags instead), and a lot don't even open the front door automatically anymore - people have to be let in in controlled numbers.
I had to go around passing out mandatory mask notices last night as a new executive order went into effect this morning (I had exactly enough printed before the copier ran out of toner.) The kitchen has been closed for months for other reasons. Who knows when or if it will reopen. At least there's fresh coffee every morning thanks to yours truly.
 
Speaking as someone who has had to stay in hotels for work multiple times since COVID started, I don't think Charlie's right, here.

Most hotels in Texas, at least, now have a single occupancy mandate in place (only one person per room allowed), require face masks in all public spaces, have completely stopped the breakfast service (they might provide to-go bags instead), and a lot don't even open the front door automatically anymore - people have to be let in in controlled numbers.
Both you and Charlie are correct. The CDC recently identified hotels as a major source of infection, but it was specifically because people in hotels were mingling at pools, restaurants, etc. Staying in your room without mingling with others is perfectly safe, so long as people carefully follow guidelines for limited exposure.
 
I think it would also depend whether or not the hotel were in a hotspot. I think that’s key in addition to the mingling.

There was talk about making me (and another) essential at work and having us travel to a hotspot.
 
COVID-19 Event Risk Assessment Map by US County. The default setting is for a group of 50; it can be changed to 10 or 5,000. The bias is 5:1 (real to reported cases) for assesment; that can be changed upward to 10:1.

Right now, the RAL in in my current former home counties (among a group of 50 people):

Maricopa - 48%
Kenosha - 90%
Waukesha - 92%
Racine - 96%
Lincoln (WI) - 98%

EDIT: Oh, and Clark County NV is at 62%. Nye County is at 68%, while Lincoln (NV) is at 90%.
 

GasBandit

Staff member
COVID-19 Event Risk Assessment Map by US County. The default setting is for a group of 50; it can be changed to 10 or 5,000. The bias is 5:1 (real to reported cases) for assesment; that can be changed upward to 10:1.

Right now, the RAL in in my current former home counties (among a group of 50 people):

Maricopa - 48%
Kenosha - 90%
Waukesha - 92%
Racine - 96%
Lincoln (WI) - 98%

EDIT: Oh, and Clark County NV is at 62%. Nye County is at 68%, while Lincoln (NV) is at 90%.
Wow, my neck of the woods is a lot less red than I thought it would be.
 

Dave

Staff member
COVID-19 Event Risk Assessment Map by US County. The default setting is for a group of 50; it can be changed to 10 or 5,000. The bias is 5:1 (real to reported cases) for assesment; that can be changed upward to 10:1.

Right now, the RAL in in my current former home counties (among a group of 50 people):

Maricopa - 48%
Kenosha - 90%
Waukesha - 92%
Racine - 96%
Lincoln (WI) - 98%

EDIT: Oh, and Clark County NV is at 62%. Nye County is at 68%, while Lincoln (NV) is at 90%.
My county is 90%. Yay!
 
There's a global tab, but Belgium isn't featured. That said, the closest area shown is at 79%, and I know their numbers are way better than ours right now.
 
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