New profile posts

Statistically speaking, if you make it to the airport, you're already through the deadliest part of airline travel.
PatrThom
PatrThom
...depending on where you're flying TO, of course.
Waiting for election results is like waiting to hear your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I'm worried the people around me fucked up.
PatrThom
PatrThom
*too many of the people around me
Internet friends are so weird. I know your deepest trauma but I've never seen your legs.
It's only sodomy if it's from the Sodom and Gomorrah area of Mesopotamia. Otherwise it's just sparkling butt stuff.
Thank you for contacting The Abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Due to high demand, we are experiencing longer than normal wait times. Please hold and the next available representative will be with you shortly.
<Orff's Carmina Burana starts playing>
Apparently profile posts are a thing.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Yup! Gas uses it to put in a clever thing every now and again, but that's not a requirement.
Men: Vaginas with teeth is a terrifying concept. Also men: Boy I love getting blowjobs
PatrThom
PatrThom
Also also men: "Watch while I stick my head into this alligator's mouth!"
Job requirements be like "we need a virgin with 12 years experience with sex"
PatrThom
PatrThom
"The ideal candidate eschews promiscuity, and can confirm via 10-20 personal references."
It's bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to refer to it as "The Scottish Laptop"
PatrThom
PatrThom
It's also bad luck to be seen using a MacBook in an office, since even the most recent one is only Kaby Lake, tech from all the way back in 2016.
mikerc
mikerc
MacBook isn't Scottish, it's crap!
Not to slut shame, but you all could be much sluttier if you'd actually put in the effort. Come on, step it up.
mikerc
mikerc
You don't pay me enough for me to put in the effort.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Perhaps your sluts would be willing to slut harder for you if you did not shame them so much.
10 years later... still somewhat lurking and occasionally posting...
PatrThom
PatrThom
Keep it up!
I occasionally look for you to stream but so far no luck. This may be due to how rarely I look/you stream.
Soupy
Soupy
Oh I think my streaming days are over/rare for now. Between workload I bring home from teaching to my own young kids, by the time 9pm hits it's time for a couch! Thanks for the kind thoughts though! I should just flip on twitch when I AM playing something though... but first.. a new rig is in order.
Happy 3:16! Remember, God so loved the world that He sent Himself to sacrifice Himself to Himself to save humanity from the torment He said we deserve for breaking rules He designed while knowing completely that we were incapable of following them to His satisfaction.
PatrThom
PatrThom
And blow them into tiny bits, in Thy mercy...
PatrThom
PatrThom
You know, it occurred to me this could also be construed as, "You all better behave yourselves, or else I will kill Myself. I SWEAR TO ME I'LL DO IT DON'T PUSH ME."
Look, all I'm saying is, every single person who confuses correlation with causation ends up dying.
mikerc
mikerc
True but i haven't died yet, so I'm clearly not going to.
PatrThom
PatrThom
As do the people who don't!
...wait.
If you're looking for some life lessons, here's a place to start: You will never be unhappy that you didn't trust a fart.
Maybe the reason so many guys have foot fetishes is because they lost their virginity to a sock.
Times are tough, so I will be once again selling nudes. $5 to get one. $25 to not get one.
mikerc
mikerc
How much to have one sent to other people?
PatrThom
PatrThom
Do you have a Patreon?
Twitter is where people who don't read books go to argue with the authors who wrote them.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Hey! That's not what I told them you said. Do it the right way next time!
Y'all don't know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years.
PatrThom
PatrThom
On the plus side, the odds were higher the other person hadn't heard it yet.
My conspiracy theory is that Stanley Kubrick was hired to fake the moon landing, but he was such a stickler for detail he insisted on filming on location.
-Random YouTube commenter
When I die, I'll be going to hell. If not to be punished, then probably to be someone else's punishment.
PatrThom
PatrThom
You left out a third option, which is "to be an example for others." Or maybe "to teach," the prophecy is unclear on this point.
Nobody digs a well at the top of a hill. WTF were Jack and Jill doing up there...?
PatrThom
PatrThom
Considering that older versions tell the story of Jack and "Gill" (i.e., of two boys getting water), what were they doing, indeed?
mikerc
mikerc
Always dig your well uphill from the outhouse.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your facebook will do.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Their free premium must've put them over their data cap during the quarantine.
PatrThom
PatrThom
Also shouldn't this be, "...your MOM'S Facebook...?"
Top