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We all have funny and whimsical conversations with our friends we chuckle about in retrospect... this is the place to share them!

I'll start with something that had me giggling when I showered, it happened last weekend.

(translated from Spanish)

*An awesome Santana song comes up, and after a particularly face-melting guitar solo:*
Me: I'd give BOTH my hands to be able to play like Carlos here *plays air guitar*
Friend 1: How would you play it without hands, though?
Me: ....uh. With my FEET and my TEETH! I'd be a combination of Hendrix and that chick that wrote with her feet. *tries to play mouth+foot air guitar*
Friend 2: You wouldn't be able to jack off, though.
Female Friend 1: Why is everything about masturbation with you, Friend 2?
Friend 3: The man does make a rather good point, though. Would you really give up the ability to please yourself for the ability to play guitar?
Friend 1: I wouldn't.
Me: Dudes, I'd be playing at Santana level. Every time I felt like masturbating I'd just summon a cute groupie and get a blow job instead. Duh.
Female Friend 1: Oh, yeah, very sexy.
Friend 1 to his Girlfriend: Would YOU blow a guy with no hands?
F1's GF: If he could play like Carlos Santana? Hell yeah.
Me: SEE?!
Friend 2: ...I really need to learn how to play an instrument.
Friend 1: Personally, I'm more concerned about the fact that my Girlfriend just implied she'd blow Calleja.
Me: *winks at her*
F1's GF: Don't worry, he'd need how to play guitar like Santana first.
FemaleF1: Yeah, without hands. And that's not gonna happen, he's too busy trying to get blow jobs to learn guitar, let alone play that good.
Me: Yeah, I wanna change the subject now, I can feel the tide changing against me.
Friend 2, suddenly: What do you mean everything's about masturbation with me!?

My brother and I were hanging out, and he put on an Avril Lavigne video from youtube. That's his thing. He takes songs I know I hate and plays them while we drink/play video games together... he's such an ass.

So I'm listening and:

Me: What's the deal with her? Who could possibly, honestly enjoy this?

Trey: Dunno. *turns it up*

Me: She looks like something Hot Topic threw up.

Trey: Don't be kind. Avril Lavigne is Hot Topic mung.

Friends? :tumbleweed:

Dude.

*hug*

I like being a jackass sometimes, so this convo came up, but my friend laughed his ass off at it.

[Sitting at waffle house]

Me: How's yer omelette?
Friend: S'alright, I mean, it's Waffle House.
Me: Yeh.
Friend: You know how to make the perfect omelette?
Me: Howzat?
Friend: Well see, what I used to do was, I'd take the egg and break it into a little baggie, and y'know, put whatever you want inside the omelette. Then you boil some water, and while it's boiling, lower the bag into the water and let it sit for a while. After a bit it'll cook and have everything perfectly inside it. Fluffiest damn omelette I ever ate.
Me: Huh...

Like 10 minutes later, talking about waffles now-

Friend: So how do you like to make waffles? Do you have a waffle press or you just put Egos in the toaster?
Me: Well see, I don't know about you- But me? See what I used to do was, I'd put the waffles in a bag, right?
Friend: ...
Me: And then I'd lower them into boiling water. And it cooked them.
Friend: Uh..
Me: Fluffiest damn waffles I ever ate.
Friend: *sits there for a minute and then busts out laughing* That was great, man.

I had a good 15 minute conversation about how Stephen Hawking would be the worst zombie ever. He'd get stuck on one button so you'd always know he's coming by the quiet, squeaky whirring and the "bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb." Also once he went down some stairs it would be game over.

That was awesome, doomdragon

You need to dialogue it out, CK, that sounds like an awesome convo.

Guess you had to be there . These seem to be on par with stories about dreams .

Another one:

Me: Oh, hey, is (name of girl) coming this weekend, after all?
Friend: No, she had to work.
Me: DAMMIT! I'm starting to believe this girl is a myth, man. Like the Loch Ness Monster... or the female orgasm.
Female Friend: ...
Me: ....what?
FF: Nothing... that explains a lot, actually.
Me: I can never tell when you're kidding with you.
Friend: This girl is real and has orgasms, believe me.
Me: ..... um, dude, pointing out your lovely girlfriend is right HERE *points to her*, how the HELL do you know that?
F's Girlfriend: Oh, we've heard her. When she stayed at my house one weekend, her boyfriend came over...
Friend: Yeah. A screamer, that one.
Me: ...... niiiiice. So when *IS* she comin---wait, BOYFRIEND?
F's GF: They've broken up since.
Me: Hell yeah. But seriously, when is she coming over? I've seen her in person ONCE, we hit it off, and then haven't seen each other for like 4 months now.
Friend: It's cause you're ugly. She keeps making excuses up not to see you even though (girlfriend's name) keeps insisting on setting you two up. But she doesn't want to. Cause you're ugly.
Me: Whatever, your girlfriend still wants to blow me.
F's GF: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP SAYING THAT!?
Me: ....when you make this girl come over!! She's YOUR friend!
F's GF: She really does want to see you again, but she's busy, you'll see her soon enough.
Me: ...wait, what did she say, she wants to see me?
Friend: No. She says you're ugly and never wants to see you again. Cause you are. Ugly.
Me: ..... whatever, your girlfriend still wants to blow me.



yes, I was kidding about the female orgasm being a myth.

My current see therm more then once every 3-4 weeks friends wouldn't be able to handle conversations like that... and my old friends i barely see anymore would just start making retarded masturbation jokes.... so i got nothing...

Dave: "Hugh."
Me: "Yeah?"
Dave: "Your hairs on fire."
Me: "Pass me that water please."

(this just happened over IM)

Friend: Hey, bring over my Wolverine game tonight, I'm taking it to Mexico City. In fact, would you mind looking after my apartment while I'm gone?
Me: I WILL NOT FEED THAT MONSTER YOU CALL A PET!
Friend: No, Tenazas (that's his goddamn scorpion's name, it means "claws") feeds himself. Just come over a couple of nights so they see activity and movement and stuff.
Me: ....oooh, I need to find myself a date. House all to myself! Hell Yeah!
Friend: ....please don't leave condom wrappers on my bed again.
Me: (laughing my ass off) That was ONE time!
Friend: Whatever, I still woke up with it sticking to my arm. I hate you.
Me: At least it wasn't the actual condom.
Friend: ...No, we would not still be friends if you had left an actual used condom on my bed. I'm taking my Xbox, too.
Me: GORRAM YOU! Fine, I'll take mine when I go over.
Friend: Ha. But bring my Wolverine game today, don't forget.
Me: Yeah.
Friend: And a g-string, sexy. (winking emoticon)
Me: It's Thursday. I always wear a g-string on Thursdays.
Friend: Woohoo!

In class once during regular college.

Girl: See, you can't disprove God. No one can or has ever been able to. Therefore, if you make an argument to that nature, it's already moot and I've already won.

Me, finally snapping: Well miss, you've just done something theologians and philosophers haven't been able to do for thousands of years.

Girl: Oh?

Me: You've just proven God doesn't exist. Because if He did, and he was a loving God like you said, He would have struck me deaf so I wouldn't have to hear the verbal garbage that spills from your mouth.

I'm just waiting for ElJuski to put up one of our conversations. But here's me and ElJuski at a party:

ElJuski: I'm turning over a new leaf.
Me: Why?
ElJuski: Uh, that whole Beer Staff thing?
Me: Look, if there's one thing you should know, when it comes to girls in college, you don't respect them. They want random flings as much as we do. Just because you get drunk and slept with a girl doesn't mean you call the whole thing off! Che! Do you respect girls in college?
Che (Guy sitting next to ElJuski): No.
Me: See?
ElJuski: That's horrible!
Me: No, you don't respect guys in college either. It's a bunch of people who you shouldn't have respect for all jumping at eachother. It's life.

<Ten minutes later I head to the bathroom, open the door and ElJuski is making out with a girl, she leaves. ElJuski stares at me.>

ElJuski: You cockblocked me!

You SO cockblocked him.

Bastard.

I have a DnD game with a bunch of friends and we routinely sit around and bust each other's chops. We've had several memorable hits.

1st one.
Our DM is a rather large fellow and we tend to give him grief because of that quite often. This was the best one ever:
DM: "I took my son to the beach last weekend. He saw the ocean for the first time and played in the sand, it was a lot of fun"
Host, from across the living room: "Did Greenpeace show up and try to drag you back out to sea?"
US:


2nd one.
We're all guys. So, we were admiring the screensaver of one of our host's computers that was nothing but nude women.
Friend1: "...wow, she's hot. I wish my wife looked like that!"
Friend2: "What? At least you get to see real boobs, I'm in a dry spell."
Friend1: "You idiot, I'm married! I don't get to see her boobs!"
Friend3: "You DO get to squeeze them, though."
Me: "Yeah, but then you'd have to wait for her to fall asleep first."
Friend1: "The sad part is, you're right."

The minute my wife cuts the supplies to boob town for no good reason is the minute I get a divorce.

I mean, come on, I get to see only one pair for the rest of my freaking life and she cuts the supply!? Hell no!



I'm gonna have to marry a nympho, aren't I?

i don't remember the exact conversation, but apparently most of my friends dont think it would be gay if you went back in time and had sex with yourself. :bush:

Any woman that refuses to let their husband touch them has no right to complain when he cheats on her.

I don't have to converse with my mother to get her to say weird things, she spouts them voluntarily

Mother: Look at this new bra I bought, it's super cute! *proceeds to flash me*
Me:

While watching a trojan commercial, it which hands mime how to put on a condom:
Mother: Gosh, that'd have to be a huge penis that condom went on. I wouldn't let one that big come anywhere near me, you know what I mean?
Me:

Me and a friend were leaving Kroger (grocery store) one night back when I was in highschool or had just graduated one or the other. Some random person got out of their car.

Me: Hi!
Stranger: Hi... do I know you?
Me: Nope can I have a hug?
Stranger: Sure!
*me gives hugs then proceeds to dry hump on the roof of her car*
Stranger: So can I have your number?
Me: Sure *gives it to her*

years later
OMG That chick was scary and I'm glad I finally lost her!

Not so much a conversation, but my best friend and I once communicated for almost a week exclusively through gutural eating noices, now known as "nom nom nom"'s.

CrimsonSoul said:

Me and a friend were leaving Kroger (grocery store) one night back when I was in highschool or had just graduated one or the other. Some random person got out of their car.

Me: Hi!
Stranger: Hi... do I know you?
Me: Nope can I have a hug?
Stranger: Sure!
*me gives hugs then proceeds to dry hump on the roof of her car*
Stranger: So can I have your number?
Me: Sure *gives it to her*

years later
OMG That chick was scary and I'm glad I finally lost her!

Click to expand...

......you're acting very, very weird today, dude.

I'm very strange IRL that was just an old thing there, I randomly ask people for hugs I've never seen.

..and you dry hump them and get asked for your number?

That's not normal that was a one time thing, I learned that when you pick up girls that way they are scary and try to whack you off in the movie theatre.. she didn't look that good I guess that's why she scared me.. that and I think she could beat me up.

...getting whacked off OR blown in the movie theater is awesome.... how DARE you :angry:

You had to be there, calleja even YOU would have said no to that. I ahve been whacked off at the movies before by my wife never a BJ though.

Thank YKK for zippers!

Oh best thing ever is friggin' road head jesus that's nice when you're going down the highway

I'm not a fan of road head, it makes me nervous and I feel like I'm gonna crash and she's gonna bite down.

CrimsonSoul said:

Oh best thing ever is friggin' road head jesus that's nice when you're going down the highway

Click to expand...

Too many of my friends have had accidents because of that (one even hit a telephone pole). I'm keeping zipped while driving.

CynicismKills said:

I had a good 15 minute conversation about how Stephen Hawking would be the worst zombie ever. He'd get stuck on one button so you'd always know he's coming by the quiet, squeaky whirring and the "bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb." Also once he went down some stairs it would be game over.

Click to expand...

I had a conversation one night with my husband about how Stephen Hawking gets all kinds of hot chicks, hunts zombies in his Transformer wheelchair, and makes fun of Neil deGrasse Tyson for being a tool.

Gurpel said:

i don't remember the exact conversation, but apparently most of my friends dont think it would be gay if you went back in time and had sex with yourself. :bush:

Click to expand...

It wouldn't be gay, it's technically masturbation.

Bowielee said:

Gurpel said:

i don't remember the exact conversation, but apparently most of my friends dont think it would be gay if you went back in time and had sex with yourself. :bush:

Click to expand...

It wouldn't be gay, it's technically masturbation.

Click to expand...

I think the two words (masturbation and gay) would be overlapping here... THANKS TO THE POWER OF SCIENCE!


As per my actual conversations with friends? They are awesome, but not only are they funny just if you are there, but are based on ten years of more and more complicated in-jokes.

Preface, I am a large guy. Six foot tall and 300 lb. At my last job I was called Mini-Me. I was half the size of a co-worker that I looked quite a bit alike. He announced to the office that he was headed out to get a cowboy belt custom made.

This other guy chimes in, "What is he going to do for you? Spiral slice a cow for the leather?"

Brother - "So.. How many dicks would I have to suck for you to let me print tabs for Sweet Child O Mine?"

Me - "...Why would you have to suck any dicks for just the intro?"

Brother - "I dunno... I kinda thought it would be, like, a bonus."

Me - "...For you, or for me?"

Brother - "....I thought it would be a win-win kinda thing."

This is a transcript of an actual IM conversation between myself and my real life best friend.

[00:40] TyrielKing: would you like to see what I just posted on hulu about the new Knight Rider series (that seems likely to have been canceled)?
[00:40] FnordBear: sure
[00:41] TyrielKing: The original Knight Rider was not all that great. I know I'm putting a knife in the heart of nostalgia but it's true. The ONE thing that made the show classic was KITT. The voice acting and the writing for the car was always above par for the show and KITT himself carried what would have been a mediocre show forgotten by time into the domain of classics that will never be fully forgotten by anyone who loved the show (yes this includes me).

This show is much the same. KITT is *awesome* all the way around - though the shape shifting into other kinds of cars seems a little odd. The rest of the show is a little lacking, but I honestly think even small improvements in the writing and acting who make for an enormous improvement on the show as a whole (though it would appear the show was canceled - I hope not, I see a lot of potential).

Here's the things to keep in mind: 1) for the non-geeks, the writing and acting must be believable and the relationships have to be compelling 2) for the geeks, KITTs technology must be consistent and *slightly* predictable. A non-geek should probably not be able to figure out what KITT is going to do in a situation, but a sycophantic basement-virgin who does nothing but watch and speculate about the show probably should. It's about more than writing. It's about world-building 3) for both: the plot must be believable and consistent. It must also be appealing on multiple levels so as to appeal to different kinds of viewers. Ideally, a show like this can draw in geeks and non-geeks alike as we explore KITTs humanity and his relationships to others. Michael Knight was never the interesting one thus HE should be the support character. Make KITT the hero and the show will become another classic.
[00:41] TyrielKing: oops found a spelling error after I posted it
[00:42] FnordBear: Make KITT and autobot with amnesia. /thread
[00:42] TyrielKing: hahahaha
[00:43] TyrielKing: alright I have an early day tomorrow
[00:43] TyrielKing: I need to show and hit the sack
[00:43] TyrielKing: shower*
[00:43] FnordBear: or make him an autobot with MPD
[00:43] TyrielKing: lol
[00:43] TyrielKing: this KITT is actually fairly win
[00:43] FnordBear: and lets not forget his evil twin the decepticon KARR
[00:43] FnordBear: <- Knight Rider Geek
[00:43] TyrielKing: oh fuck no, one of the best villians every IMO
[00:44] TyrielKing: ever*
[00:44] FnordBear: and oh oh GOLIATH
[00:44] TyrielKing: "Last chance, Alladin"
[00:44] FnordBear: the Molecular Bonder Shell equiped SEMI
[00:44] FnordBear: its really a pissed off Ultra Magnus
[00:44] TyrielKing: hahaha driven by Michael Knights evil twin
[00:44] TyrielKing: dude...
[00:44] FnordBear: now imagine Michael's evil twin in KARR
[00:45] TyrielKing: when KITT lost his molecular bonded shell and got assraped...I fucking cried
[00:45] FnordBear: Dude...
[00:45] FnordBear: we all did
[00:45] FnordBear: just like when Prime died
[00:45] TyrielKing: true that
[00:45] FnordBear: but when Kitt came back with his Hyper Speed Transform Mode GO
[00:45] FnordBear: I spooged
[00:45] TyrielKing: lol yup
[00:45] FnordBear: before I knew what spooging was
[00:45] TyrielKing: Super Pursuit Mode - I begged him to use it every episode after that
[00:46] FnordBear: Ahh but it was a Once Per Episode power so used sparingly
[00:46] TyrielKing: and I still vow to have a hard top convertible some day
[00:46] FnordBear: and as he leveled Turbo Boost became a Once Per Scene power
[00:46] TyrielKing: lol yes
[00:46] FnordBear: I still wish the General Lee had gotten a KITT upgrade
[00:47] TyrielKing: seriously the new show shouldn't be copying the old show, it needed to learn from it
[00:48] FnordBear: Now I want to see the following drawn as autobots(or decepticons) as appropriate: KITT, KARR, General Lee, the A-Team van, Airwolf, Red Wolf, and Goliath
[00:48] TyrielKing: seconded
[00:48] FnordBear: A-team van mush incorporate a mowhawk in robot mode
[00:48] FnordBear: and bling
[00:48] FnordBear: lots of bling
[00:48] TyrielKing: HAHAHAHA
[00:49] TyrielKing: unfortunately, while it weilds large numbers of fully automatic weapons, it can't seem to hit anyone
[00:49] FnordBear: HE WORE A FUCKING SERVING SPOON ON A CHAIN
[00:50] TyrielKing: Michael Knight and KITT really were Paladin and Mount in a lot of ways
[00:50] TyrielKing: especially since Paladin Mounts are often cooler than their masters
[00:51] FnordBear: Ok dude now you are loopy
[00:51] FnordBear: go to bed
[00:51] TyrielKing: hahaha
[00:51] FnordBear: And FYI I am posting this convo in my blog
[00:51] FnordBear: for the LOLs
[00:51] TyrielKing: HAHAHAHA
[00:51] TyrielKing: go for it

This is a Twitter conversation I had with a certain ZenLady:

ZenMonkey:WHO is ringing the doorbell at this time of -- o hai Bryan Singer. O.O

FCalleja: @ZenMonkey ....say WHAAAT!

ZenMonkey: @FCalleja You heard me.

FCalleja: @ZenMonkey if you know Bryan Singer, you have like a direct connection to Hugh Laurie! GO TO DR HOUSE!! GOO! NOWWWW!!

ZenMonkeyFCalleja Laughing. My. Ass. Off.

ZenMonkeyFCalleja Did I ever tell you I did once see a grumpy infectious disease specialist with a cane?

FCalleja: @ZenMonkey lmao, really? The guy was probably grumpy cause of the constant comparison. And the grumpiness made him MORE comparable! lol

ZenMonkey: @FCalleja Nah, he was trollish and also useless. Not handsome and brilliant.

FCalleja: @ZenMonkey he's probably not on Stephen Fry's speed dial either. Bah, he's useless then. YOU CAN GET TO FRY THROUGH SINGER THRU LAURIE!! EEEE!

ZenMonkey: @FCalleja Mr. Fry is already following me on Twitter.

FCalleja: @ZenMonkey fuck twitter, I want to smell them and hug them and hear their sexy sexy voices <3 <3

ZenMonkey: @FCalleja Well, if it won't send you into a conniption, I also sat next to Mr. Fry at a one-man show by Ian McKellen, back in undergrad.

FCalleja: @ZenMonkey *4242 Error. "EEE!!" Overload. Refresh in a few minutes or contact your Calleja provider*

ZenMonkey: @FCalleja Sorry 'bout that.

(later)

cvgurau: @ZenMonkey @FCalleja That was the awesomest conversation ever.

My boyfriend and me, talking about bachelor parties (oddly enough, not because of the thread about bachelor parties from a couple days ago), because one of our guys friends has never been to a strip club and claims no desire to go to one.

Me: Well, [his girlfriend] is smokin hot, so why would he want to go to a strip club?
Boyfriend: Okay, but, no matter how hot your girlfriend is, you still want to see other girls. It's like, if you had vanilla ice cream at home. Every day. And then you went out and could get some rocky road. Or mint.
Me: First of all, [the girlfriend] is NOT vanilla. Second of all, strippers are not more awesome flavors than your girlfriend. It's like dollar bill flavored ice cream. Or sweaty silicone flavored ice cream. Or STD flavored ice cream.
Boyfriend: ... Yeah, that flavor's really no good. :bush:

I can see both yours and your boyfriend's points on this.... it's why it's gonna take a reeaaaaaaallly special girl to get me to settle down for good, but once I do, there's no turning back.

I am now trying to come up with clever, Ben and Jerry-ish ice cream names that incorporate STD names...

Cajungal said:

I am now trying to come up with clever, Ben and Jerry-ish ice cream names that incorporate STD names...

Click to expand...

Stawberry Syphilis?

Coconut Crabs? (Alright, not an STD..)

TasteTD.

HIV-Nilla Sherbert

Hoh boy..

Herpes and Cream?

...I got nothin.

His and Her-Pistachio?
Sour Baby Scabies?
Gonarrhea-ly Crazy for Chocolate?
Swiss Miss Syphilis?
I want my HPV?
Kaposi's Sarcomacadamia?

God I wish I could sleep.


-edited for spelling-

I was showing some of my friends a DVD of me performing in a musical, which involved both singing and dancing. I'm not very good at dancing, so before I pop in the DVD I say, "I gotta warn you guys, my dancing's been compared to a hippo having a stroke."

My friend immediately says, in an upset voice, "Wow, who said that? That's really mean!" *pause for a beat* "The hippo doesn't deserve that!"

Calleja said:

I can see both yours and your boyfriend's points on this.... it's why it's gonna take a reeaaaaaaallly special girl to get me to settle down for good, but once I do, there's no turning back.

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Don't misinterpret -- I don't care one way or another whether a guy wants to go to a strip club or not. But I think it's ridiculous that one guy would pressure another guy into going just because he assumes that the guy's not happy with his "one flavor of ice cream."