Am I Callous?

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FnordBear

FnordBear

So...

I just got woken up by a phone call. An ex-gf has been arrested for disorderly conduct (no idea what she did). I actually let my voice mail pick up as I didn't really want to talk to her at 8:30 in the morning.

Now she and I are on ok terms but she does try my patience because one, she is a mental patient (bipolar barely controlled by meds with spots of delusional behavior) and two she has hinted heavily the last few days she wants to get back together (no interest what so ever).

Now she outright asked me in the message left to come bail her out. I am not even going to return the call. My mindset is I am not "rescuing" her from her own mistakes or mental problems. I spent the better part of six months when we were together trying my best to make things better for her and I just don't have that kind of energy or desire anymore.

Dunno, I am rambling. Am I committing the sin of ass hattery here?
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Ex-gf? Not callous at all. CURRENT gf? You'd be an asshat. You owe this girl nothing.
 
C

Chazwozel

FnordBear said:
So...

I just got woken up by a phone call. An ex-gf has been arrested for disorderly conduct (no idea what she did). I actually let my voice mail pick up as I didn't really want to talk to her at 8:30 in the morning.

Now she and I are on ok terms but she does try my patience because one, she is a mental patient (bipolar barely controlled by meds with spots of delusional behavior) and two she has hinted heavily the last few days she wants to get back together (no interest what so ever).

Now she outright asked me in the message left to come bail her out. I am not even going to return the call. My mindset is I am not "rescuing" her from her own mistakes or mental problems. I spent the better part of six months when we were together trying my best to make things better for her and I just don't have that kind of energy or desire anymore.

Dunno, I am rambling. Am I committing the sin of ass hattery here?
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Nope. 100% correct. I love you.
 
FnordBear

FnordBear

Thanks for all the responses folks. I feel a bit better all around. I have spent the last two years since my marriage ended trying to reinvent myself as a nicer/better/awesomer person and stuff like this just kinda makes me wonder if I have made any progress. I talked to one of my friends a little while ago and she put it in perspective, "Bad people don't worry about if they are being good people."

So I guess my level of paladin is safe.
 
North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Staff member
Wow... sounds like the thing I had with my ex. Except that in case of her wanting to get together was her telling me I should pay €200 for a bed she had bought because I had slept in it with her once.

Yeah, screw 'er. Got any more rum?

*brings out a bottle of vodka*
 
M

Matt²

HCGLNS said:
You have done nothing wrong. Enjoy the rest of your day.
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Yep. If you DID come to rescue her, that would probably make you the "hero" in her eyes, and then you'd never be rid of her.. See Wayne's World for an example if need be.
 
W

Wasabi Poptart

I do agree that you owe her nothing seeing as how she is your ex and you're not interested in being her savior. However, I would return her call to tell her why you will not bail her out this time or at anytime in the future, so she can put another white knight on speed dial. Callous? Perhaps, but as MD said it is appropriate and not you being an asshat.
 
SpecialKO

SpecialKO

You have no obligation to this girl whatsoever. I agree with Wasabi that returning the call to tell her that you won't bail her out isn't a bad idea, as long as you don't think just talking to her will get you to cave. In which case, don't do it.
 
strawman

strawman

Bailing someone out is co-signing an "I will go to court agreement". You only bail someone out if you have a strong relationship with them which both you and they want to keep.

Bailing someone out that has little to no relationship with you actually runs counter to the purpose of bail. They will have no need or desire to make their court date due to the bail because it wasn't their money and they don't care to maintain their relationship with you.

The fact that a bail has been set means that her crime was fairly serious (ie, it may result in jail time). You already dealt with her problems before, but she's obviously escalating.

Bailing her out would:
* Bring her closer to you
* Involve you in further issues down the line (I need a ride to get to court, otherwise you won't get your bail back!)
* Send a signal to her that you don't want her sleeping/living in a bad situation
* Make you a target for further favors (he gave me bail, I bet he'll give me gas money just this once)
* Implicitly support and enable her bad choices

Don't bail her out. Don't respond. Don't call her back and try to explain (do you really think she cares why you're letting her poor pitiful self rot in prison? She's just going to break down and cry and try every trick she knows to get you to give in, and she won't pay a single bit of attention to what you're saying unless it's, "Yes, I'll be right over!")
 
IronBrig4

IronBrig4

If she's your ex, you owe her nothing. Nada. Zip. You won't get any dark side points for your chosen course of action.
 
Docseverin

Docseverin

You should bail her out in the pussy wagon, and then go to a diner and kill people and dance on their bodies while singing.
 
FnordBear

FnordBear

Docseverin said:
You should bail her out in the pussy wagon, and then go to a diner and kill people and dance on their bodies while singing.
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Considering in the past she called me in the middle of the night to tell me that the tree in her back yard was evil and possessed by the devil and that she had a headache because an invisible fairy shot her in the head with a magic arrow....I don't think any of that would phase her.


I wish I was making this crap up.
 
North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Staff member
FnordBear;436239][QUOTE=Docseverin said:
You should bail her out in the pussy wagon, and then go to a diner and kill people and dance on their bodies while singing.
Click to expand...
Considering in the past she called me in the middle of the night to tell me that the tree in her back yard was evil and possessed by the devil and that she had a headache because an invisible fairy shot her in the head with a magic arrow....I don't think any of that would phase her.


I wish I was making this crap up.[/QUOTE]

Can't... stop... laughing... should... stop... insanity... not... funny... MUAHAHAAHAAAHAAAAAHAAA!!!
 
FnordBear

FnordBear

Ooooook.

She is out and I found out what happened. Mind you I only know her side of it but from some of my own research and knowledge of things this is what I can piece together.

It was early morning (like still dark in the AM early), she was half dressed and dancing. Now she has these big windows that she doesn't keep the curtains closed on so supposedly her neighbor saw her and called the police to complain. The police arrived and what she tells me is she was told she needed to close the curtains or get decent.

This is where it gets fuzzy, I know she hates the police for various reasons (long story) and apparently she mouthed off at the officer because he wouldn't comment on the fact that her neighbor who is a -registered sex offender- (this is true I have checked) was looking in her window in the early AM. Apparently she got belligerent and was arrested.

Now this next part I am not 100% how true it is but this is how she tells it. She was held for two days and during those two days she was supposedly denied her psychiatric meds the entire time. Once her court appointed defender spoke to her and got her side of the story (sex offender looking in window, denied meds) she was immediately released and charges dropped. Now she apparently is looking in to a civil suit against the police department.

Again this is probably no where near 100% accurate to the truth of events but I have been able to piece together through mutual friends that the bail/charges being dropped are true. The denial of meds seems to be true and the neighbor who is listed as making the complaint is on the sex offender registry.

So all in all. She is up to her typical dramaqueen stuff and I dodge a bullet not getting involved. I will now go have another shot of rum and enjoy the last two days of my yearly vacation that has been blessedly drama free :)
 
Officer_Charon

Officer_Charon

She has no expectation of privacy if she's doing anything in front of open, uncovered windows, any more than she would if she was doing it in her back yard. Yeah, the neighbor could theoretically be charged with Peeping Tom, but the fact that he reported the infraction is actually a point in his favor.

Her disorderly conduct charge has nothing to do with the original incident, and could have been upheld. Now, with regards to her being denied her medication, I know that the jail here does screenings on intakes, to find out if they're supposed to be medicated, and who their doctor is etc, if they are going to be held for any particular length of time (i.e. not a turn-and-burn bond-out). I seriously doubt that her jail would have operated differently - too much chance of litigation.

They should have upheld the DisCo charge. It would have stuck.

That all being said, enjoy your drama-free time, Fnord!
 
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