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After today and yesterday I think I have enough fodder to start this thread up:

Yesterday:
A large, muscular/burly guy sits down with me inquiring about some account and rate information. I immediately notice he's not the brightest lightbulb in the kitchen, but he's got a fair amount of funds in his account, so I humor him. Halfway through the conversation, I'm realizing he's staring at me a bit too much in the wrong ways. He's also dropping pretty inappropriate comments every few minutes (Are those your real eyes *color*, that's a nice shirt, I like your smile, etc) so I start to be as a brief as possible to get him out the door.

He finally let's it "slide" that he's a local "celeb" as a Pro-Boxer. I'm like "that's nice" within seconds though, he invites me to be a guest at his fight that evening. He offered me front row seating for the entire night (there were going to be multiple fights). Fighting back the urge to laugh in his face I decline saying "I work late and wouldn't make it". He seems a bit dejected but I thought he "got the idea". we finish up his work and he leaves the office.

I'm nearly laughing on IRC with Amorous and a few others while I tell them about the story when he comes back in my office, without knocking. He comes back to say "I'm having a get-together at my hotel after the fights, if you're free by then". I *KNOW* I had to have cracked a smile of some sort cause I think he got his hopes up, but I couldn't even respond as I knew the only thing that would come out of my mouth would be rolls of laughter. So he thinks he's "in" and proceeds to tell me the name of the Hotel and the Room they'll be having the party in and leaves, huge smile on his face.

I locked my door and laughed till I couldn't breathe. :rof:

He told you his Hotel and Room number???

Mind PM'ing it to me? I'll look for you on the national news tomorrow when his dismembered body is found in a dumpster near the hotel

Yeah, he mentioned there would be "a few people there", but I really doubt it.

I stopped and wondered if I could have gotten away with attending and walking out with his insides in a shoebox. (Really did think about their security at this certain hotel, not known for being high end).

Wait... that was you???

Nuts, now I have to get a refund on this room.

While I was working at Target as a cashier, we had these automatic card readers that sucked your card in, like an ATM. The two best cards ever used was one lady who used her library card to pay, and some guy who had folded his card in half, longways, and wondered why it wouldn't come out. I had to open it up and get it out myself.

Shannow said:

Click to expand...

That was far from an amusing story from work. Try again.

Partial Story for Today

Lady comes in and complains about how tired she is while working on her account. She's a bit older, probably in her late 50s or so. I ask if she had a long morning, she responds that she's ill. I leave the subjec talone and she continues as if I wanted to know. I feign interest and she says something that stops me dead in the middle of my work:

"It's in the family of Lupus".

I almost immediately said:

"It's never Lupus"

as a reactionary response without thinking.

My favorite work story is still that blond girl who was complaining about blond jokes. She swung the front door open to exit and proclaimed loudly, "I'M PROUD TO BE BLOND!" Not half a second later, the same door she threw open slammed right back into her face.

She wasn't hurt, but I still couldn't laugh until the lobby was empty.

Shegokigo;270185][quote=Shannow said:

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That was far from an amusing story from work. Try again.[/QUOTE]

Why?

Shannow, the pandering between you and Shego reminds me of the way kids act towards to one another when they're attracted to each other.

I have a lot of funny stories from Best Buy, but this just happened to me the other day...

I was stationed in cameras when this old Indian women came over and asked me with a very thick accent if we have "residential leases." I was certain that I must have misheard her, and I asked her to repeat herself about three times before she finally shouted at me, "Residential Leases! To lease a house! Residential leases!"

I told her, no, we don't carry residential leases at Best Buy. She then asked me if there was anyone else that could help her. I paged over one of my co-workers, and asked him if I was mistaken and we do in fact carry residential leases at Best Buy. He gave me a funny look and said "no, we don't." She then asked for a manager and told him that he needs to train his employees better, then stormed out of the store. He was pissed until I told him what she was asking for

Shannow;270188][quote=Shegokigo;270185][quote=Shannow said:

Click to expand...

That was far from an amusing story from work. Try again.[/QUOTE]

Why?[/QUOTE]

BlackCrossCrusader said:

Shannow, the pandering between you and Shego reminds me of the way kids act towards to one another when they're attracted to each other.

Click to expand...

You haven't ever had someone attracted to you have you? If ANYTHING it's closer to sibling arguments than anythingelse.

No, its totally true. He got me. I want to bag you, random person on the internet!

You'd be amazed at how many people wait in line at my work (one of the busiest delis in the area here) for 20+ minutes and then get to me and have no idea what they want.

Also, for some reason old ladies in the Atlanta area come to a deli expecting full-size pizzas and hamburgers.

This one didn't happen to me, but my old Pizza Hut manager. She was a very cool girl and very plain. It was kind of joke around the workplace, I guess... she'd make fun of her shapelessness and pasty skin and our other manager would say that it was nice to meet a girl not out of his league... I don't know, it was funny when I was there.

Anyway, our #1 customers were always college students on weekends who were drunk or high. We'd get a lot of obnoxious calls. My manager was on the phones with us one night because she was busy. One thing about her was that she had a lovely voice. So the guy on the other line says, "You sound hot. Could YOU deliver my pizza?"

"I don't deliver; I'm a manager." she says.

"Is it worth it to come over there to pick it up?"

After a second she says, "Maybe."

So he changes his order to a pickup. When he comes to get it, she approaches his with the pizzas in hand and says, "Well hello there." He wordlessly pays and leaves.

She just laughs and says, "That'll show him?"

She was awesome. I miss her.

CynicismKills said:

You'd be amazed at how many people wait in line at my work (one of the busiest delis in the area here) for 20+ minutes and then get to me and have no idea what they want.

Also, for some reason old ladies in the Atlanta area come to a deli expecting full-size pizzas and hamburgers.

Click to expand...

That reminds me of another one.

The Target I worked at had a little food court in it, with a Pizza Hut express. What this meant was they only sold personal pizzas and only a few specific kinds. Well, this lady comes in and her son is having a party and she wants to get a few pizzas for the kids. The thing is though, she wants normal size pizzas instead of the mini ones they sold.

The guy behind the counter had to basically list off every reason why he couldn't give her what she wanted. She was perplexed why he couldn't just take the single servings of dough and mash them together and stuff like that. She didn't know that the pizzas all come pre made and all they basically do is heat them up. It finally stuck when he also pointed out that even if he could, he didn't have a box big enough to put the full sized pizza in.


To this day I wonder why she didn't just order one like normal.

I was having a conversation once with a coworker of mine. As it turns out, she doesn't believe in evolution, but she does believe that vampires used to exist. So along this train of thought, comes this little gem.

Me: So, do you also believe in unicorns?
Her, mouth agape: You mean they're not real?!

From working in my old college's Library:

I was working at the Circulation desk as usual, when a student comes up

Student: "My professor told me he put a video on reserve for us here, where is it?"

Me: "It'd be organized by the professor's last name in one of the three green binders to the right, sir. Look it up and I'll get it for you when you find it".

Student, angry and glaring: "I don't have time for that, you look it up, Educating Peter, Professor Jackson"

Me: "O...k"

I go to look up the video, it's checked out with a return time of 2 hours from now. Keep in mind, reserved books/videos couldn't be removed from the library, so we'd more or less get it back on time.

Me: "I'm sorry sir, the video's currently checked out. It should be back at the desk by 3:15 today, if you don't mind waiting."

Student: "WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH IT IN A GROUP!! Who has it?! Tell me their name and where they are with it!"

Me: "Erm...it doesn't have that info, and even if it did, I couldn't give it to you, sir. Patrons have a right to privacy.

Student: "This is NOT FAIR! Do YOU have it out?!"

Me: "I'm....not in the class sir, this is a Psych course, I'm a poli-sci major."

Student, furious: "I swear to god if you're lying to me I'll get you fired. I'm calling the police right NOW!"

He goes off and dials for the campus police, waiting and glaring at me with an incredibly smug look on his face. Eventually an officer arrives and the student rants at him for a good 15 minutes.

Officer: "Apparently you stole a video from this young man."

Me: "Erm...no. he's upset because a movie is checked out and won't be in for 2 hours."

Officer, hiding laughter/annoyance: "Any proof?"

Me: We have video of my entire shift here sir, you could take a seat in the office and review the tapes.

Officer, grinning: "Will do, wait here, both of you."

Eventually the officer returns, sipping a soda.

Officer: "Yeah, you've done nothing but sit here and check out items to students and look for items on the racks. There's no problem here, have a good day guys."

Student, fighting the urge to shriek like a banshee: "I'm going to write the president of the COLLEGE AND GET YOU ALL FIRED FOR THIS!"

Never heard back from him...it was....surreal.

Alright here's a short one to get us started.

One time a man walked directly into the deli (where I work), like right back into the employee area, and asked me where the deli was. I told him he was in it.

Gusto said:

Alright here's a short one to get us started.

One time a man walked directly into the deli (where I work), like right back into the employee area, and asked me where the deli was. I told him he was in it.

Click to expand...

See, now that's a sign you need to advertise more.

I'll just post this link: http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Darth

Well, I just amused myself on Thursday. I went to class, set up for the lecture, and waited, noting the quiet in the department. 5 minutes into class, I checked the calendar and realized it was a holiday. Oops.

Another one.

A guy came by our deli and inquired when our whole chickens were cooked. I told him I cooked them fresh that morning, and that we make fresh ones at least every 4 hours. He smugly told me he didn't believe me.

I pulled a chicken out of the holding case and pointed to the label were it said in plain black and white the date and time when the label was printed. He was convinced that I was lying to him and had also falsified the label.

Dumbfounded, I told him there was really nothing else I could say if he was so convinced, so he stormed away...

...and then came back 10 minutes later and took a chicken.

fade said:

Well, I just amused myself on Thursday. I went to class, set up for the lecture, and waited, noting the quiet in the department. 5 minutes into class, I checked the calendar and realized it was a holiday. Oops.

Click to expand...

Done that... but as a student.

Cajungal;270418][quote=fade said:

Well, I just amused myself on Thursday. I went to class, set up for the lecture, and waited, noting the quiet in the department. 5 minutes into class, I checked the calendar and realized it was a holiday. Oops.

Click to expand...

Done that... but as a student.[/QUOTE]

Ditto

Can't tell many funny stories. I've mainly worked summers as a telemarketer, and there's not really much of a chance to talk with your colleagues. Some of the customers can be funny, though...

A few years ago I was working as a field support technician for a paper mill company. One day, I'm working on repairing this tester that is about 10 feet tall and full or computers and electrical/mechanical junk and the foreman on the production line keeps coming up to me and saying "is it done yet" ".. is it done yet" .. and was literally standing over my shoulder. I was getting extremely annoyed and decided to go to the washroom, much to his chagrin.

On my way back I grab a old circuit board out of my parts stockpile and slip it in the back of this tester.

Mr. Bigshot foreman notices I'm back and comes to see me promptly and starts to nag me and I rip that circuit board out from the back of the tester and throw it on the floor and stomp the living daylights out of it yelling "You'll NEVER work again you piece of crap!!!" While kicking that old circuit board up and down the production line. Parts were flyin everywhere

That foreman's mouth dropped wide open and he was about to pass out. I had the darn thing running 3 min later AFTER he left me alone to go complain to my boss.

When he came back and saw the line in production... he was astounded to say the least. My boss bawled over in laughter.

My favorite was working at a hardware store. I was young, and the only one there without a contractor's license, but I ended up being de facto head of lawn and garden after only a year working there (due to the official head moving out of state). People didn't really trust me because of how young I was, but I knew my stuff. General example:

Me: Anything I can help you with?
Customer: Uh...no, I'm okay, I'm just looking for so-and-so for my sprinkler system.
(I pull what he needs off the shelf)
Customer: Oh, thanks.
(I come back fifteen minutes later)
Customer (talking to my manager, an older gentleman): So, I need so-and-so for my sprinkler system; could you help me find it?
Manager (smiles at me): Well, I'm not that knowledgeable in this department, but I know for a fact that young man behind you can.
(Customer turns, I smile and wave.)

Or, my favorite one EVER, happened at Gamestop.

(Customer walks in)
Dan (coworker): Hey, how's it going, man?
Customer: Do you guys sell video games here?
(Dan looks slooooowly to the left. Pauses. Looks sloooowly to the right. Pauses. Looks back at the customer.)
Dan: Naw, man. This is a bookstore.
(Customer looks bummed and leaves.)

Not very amusing, but I've had people try to get grabby at one of my jobs. Watching them get thrown out by security was pretty funny though.

Just thought of a fun one right before pressing enter. Once a rather attractive lady cameinto that same job and I swear she was flirting with me near the whole time. I was single at the time so I of course responded somewhat. She left and gave the impression she would be back again. Not two hours later she comes back in dressed differently and I start talking with her again. She's acting as though nothing happened the previous visit and I'm thinking she was just effing around with me as some sort of scam, then I notice the lady I was talking to earlier walk in. Apparently, they were twins.

Nothing came of it, but I thought it was amusing after the initial embarrassment wore off.

Twins, Sera!



(sorry)

Wait, just got one better. So the Wrestlemania games are really popular, and we had a woman and her grandson come in and ask which ones we had in stock. I looked up "Wrestlemania" for the PS2, and read them off in alphabetical order:

"We have Wrestlemania 2007, 2008, 2009, Here Comes the Pain aaaaand Shut Your Mouth."

The woman didn't realize what I'd just said, but my coworkers left quickly to avoid laughing.

While doing my job as dairy-peon at america's favorite corporate chain of supercenters, a white-trash looking woman carrying a baby seat, complete with baby inside, walks up to me.

woman: Could you watch my baby while I go to the bathroom?

me: ... ....... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I've never laughed in a customers face before, but after a long day of a job I hate, this seemed hilarious to me. I laughed at her, and continued walking, still laughing as I left into the employee hallway.

Had I taken that baby, I never would have seen that woman again. As it is, she probably ended up selling it for meth.

So a few years ago, I got in trouble for being late and was exhausted when I got off work. The next day I had a P.T. Test I had to be at by 0630, so I go to bed right as soon as I get home. I wake up suddenly afraid I am late for my test because I didn't hear my alarm go off, I look at my clock and it say 6:55. I freak out and get dressed in my P.T. uniform and go running out of the barracks.

About half way to the area of the test I call my Squad Leader explaining the whole situation and telling him I am on the way. He busts out laughing and telling me to calm down it was 7:00pm. I was embarrassed to say the least, especially when in the Infantry we bust each others balls over everything.

I have a lot of good stories from being an interpreter. They range from having to describe a turd in loving detail to having to interpret a rap song I'd never heard before -- in front of my boss who was evaluating me.

Shegokigo said:

BlackCrossCrusader said:

Shannow, the pandering between you and Shego reminds me of the way kids act towards to one another when they're attracted to each other.

Click to expand...

You haven't ever had someone attracted to you have you? If ANYTHING it's closer to sibling arguments than anything else.

Click to expand...

Either that or he's into incest...

Alright, so last Easter, one of my coworkers on the night shift before my day shift decided to drag out this ancient, ancient police bunny costume that was used for some school shit like a decade before out of the attic storage room of our station. Well, the head piece of the costume anyway. We had had a very busy drunk night and the tank had about 12 guys in it, all huddled around the heat vent in the corner of the room as they usually do. So he puts on the head piece of the costume. Opens the tank and sits in the opposite corner of the tank, staring at the now horrified drunks. Now, there's very little light in this room, so really all they could see is basic silhouette of a humanoid rabbit pointing at them and shaking his head.

The next morning it's my turn to turn the drunks loose and I get multiple excited stories about how the easter bunny was there last night and he was mean.

Frankie said:

Alright, so last Easter, one of my coworkers on the night shift before my day shift decided to drag out this ancient, ancient police bunny costume that was used for some school shit like a decade before out of the attic storage room of our station. Well, the head piece of the costume anyway. We had had a very busy drunk night and the tank had about 12 guys in it, all huddled around the heat vent in the corner of the room as they usually do. So he puts on the head piece of the costume. Opens the tank and sits in the opposite corner of the tank, staring at the now horrified drunks. Now, there's very little light in this room, so really all they could see is basic silhouette of a humanoid rabbit pointing at them and shaking his head.

The next morning it's my turn to turn the drunks loose and I get multiple excited stories about how the easter bunny was there last night and he was mean.

Click to expand...

Whoa. Donnie Darko, eat your heart out.

Docseverin said:

... telling me to calm down it was 7:00pm.

Click to expand...

Done that before especially when daylight savings time has just begun or ended and I've been really tired/stressed.

Enresshou said:

My favorite was working at a hardware store. I was young, and the only one there without a contractor's license, but I ended up being de facto head of lawn and garden after only a year working there (due to the official head moving out of state). People didn't really trust me because of how young I was, but I knew my stuff. General example:

Me: Anything I can help you with?
Customer: Uh...no, I'm okay, I'm just looking for so-and-so for my sprinkler system.
(I pull what he needs off the shelf)
Customer: Oh, thanks.
(I come back fifteen minutes later)
Customer (talking to my manager, an older gentleman): So, I need so-and-so for my sprinkler system; could you help me find it?
Manager (smiles at me): Well, I'm not that knowledgeable in this department, but I know for a fact that young man behind you can.
(Customer turns, I smile and wave.)

Click to expand...

I've had a few hair-related incidents. That, and I've always looked at lot younger than I actually am. Which people keep telling me I'll appreciate when I get older, but it never seems to pan out.

A recent one: during the summer break, a local scientist comes in and wants to use our x-ray diffraction equipment. I'm in the geology office shooting the breeze with the secretary, and she tells him, "Oh Dr. Soandso isn't here." He says, "So, are there any professors here?" The secretary says, "Jack's here," pointing to me. I shake hands, and the scientist picks up his things, and says, "Well, since no professors are here, I'll just come back later."

Frankie said:

Alright, so last Easter, one of my coworkers on the night shift before my day shift decided to drag out this ancient, ancient police bunny costume that was used for some school shit like a decade before out of the attic storage room of our station. Well, the head piece of the costume anyway. We had had a very busy drunk night and the tank had about 12 guys in it, all huddled around the heat vent in the corner of the room as they usually do. So he puts on the head piece of the costume. Opens the tank and sits in the opposite corner of the tank, staring at the now horrified drunks. Now, there's very little light in this room, so really all they could see is basic silhouette of a humanoid rabbit pointing at them and shaking his head.

The next morning it's my turn to turn the drunks loose and I get multiple excited stories about how the easter bunny was there last night and he was mean.

Click to expand...

That.... was bloody fantastic. -

Here's one from a friend of mine who worked at another grocery store.

One day, he was stocking shelves in the pharmacy area and there was a guy who looked like he was maybe 14 looking at the condoms. No matter how many times my friend came with a new crate to unpack this kid was STILL looking at the condoms, carefully inspecting their differences and prices.

After about 15 minutes of this, he approached my nearby friend and asked "Where do you keep the plastic wrap?"



After hearing this story I told my friend that it was his biological imperative to kill that kid.

Eeeeeeeeew.

Keeps semen fresh for up to a week!

What time of year was it? Maybe he wanted some of that holiday Saran Wrap to make it all festive and stuff.

phil said:

To this day I wonder why she didn't just order one like normal.

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As my store team lead once told me when I found an abandoned inflatable mattress inside a cart corral, "You are trying to apply logic to someone clearly not using it".

I have a user that has been calling a lot lately, 3+ times a week. He is one of those guys that does not give you any indication that he is listening AT ALL.

Me: "OK, press start."
Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: ...
Me: "Have you pressed start yet?"
Him: "Now where is it again?"

This call goes on for 20 minutes because he does not say "yep" or "OK" at the same pace of normal computer illiterate users. Most users with his issues I have off the phone in 5 minutes or less. When I hang up, I whisper, "Oh, dear God..." only to hear some one standing in the vacant cubicle next to mine burst out laughing.

Then I yell, "YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HEAR THAT!"