Another Poem (prompt for class)

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Gothomo

This is a prompt for a poetry class that I am taking. The theme is "Love" (not my first choice, but the idea is to challenge us as young writers). I don't know where to go with this. I feel as though the entire thing is a touch off base. Any suggestions?

Careless Devotion

A gaze could unwind me, pulling
at a corner,
unraveling me.
Entangled, a mess of cotton threads.

A smile could lift me, disregarding
laws of gravity
as I rise,
my body trembling against this intrusion,
a greater part of me
welcoming it.
A touch could bring me to
those eyes again,
Wonder staring back at me,
mirroring my own,
taking a part of me,
replacing it with
nothing.
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
Here's my revision of your first stanza, because why the fuck not.

Your gaze could pull
at my frayed corners,
unraveling me
a mess of cotton threads.
 
E

Element 117

Gothomo said:
This is a prompt for a poetry class that I am taking. The theme is "Love" (not my first choice, but the idea is to challenge us as young writers). I don't know where to go with this. I feel as though the entire thing is a touch off base. Any suggestions?

Careless Devotion

A gaze could unwind me, pulling
at a corner,
unraveling me.
Entangled, a mess of cotton threads.

A smile could lift me, disregarding
laws of gravity
as I rise,
my body trembling against this intrusion,
a greater part of me
welcoming it.
A touch could bring me to
those eyes again,
Wonder staring back at me,
mirroring my own,
taking a part of me,
replacing it with
nothing.
Click to expand...
The best image succumbs to a barrage of "me, me, me, me, me, me, me,"
 
G

Gothomo

Revision #1:

Venom (maybe a new title)



Your gaze could unwind me
pulling at a frayed corner
unraveled.
Entangled, a mess of cotton strands.

A smile could lift the weight,
disregarding gravity,
rising,
this earthly vessel
trembling against the intrusion.
More of my being
welcomes you.
Your tepid embrace could bring focus
to those eyes again,
wonder staring back,
mirroring – intentions,
desires,
a burning,
a toxic covet,
as a needle to a thread
taking a part of me,
replacing it with

nothing.
 
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