Export thread
Aquaman's Angry Blog (Help find it - found)
#1
elph
elph
Some time ago, someone posted this letter/blog post as if from Aquaman and how he was angry with how he is viewed. I've tried finding it in the archives here, but it's gone (must have been longer then I thought).
Anyone know what I'm referring to able to help me find it?
Anyone know what I'm referring to able to help me find it?
#2
filmfanatic
filmfanatic
Aquaman's Angry Blog (Help find it)
Here you go, elph.
AQUAMAN,
KING OF THE SEVEN SEAS,
HAS FUCKING HAD IT
WITH YOU, MAN.
- - - -
First off, I don’t talk to them. OK?
That’s, like, the first thing. Let’s start there.
It’s not like I’m all, Hey, Peter Pufferfish, what’s up? and he’s all, Yo, nothing much, brah.
It doesn’t work like that, all right? I mean, most of them don’t even have brains, for one thing. They have maybe a bump at one end of their spinal cord, a pimply little swelling of ganglia, if they’re lucky.
Language is not a looming issue, is what I’m saying.
No, how it works is: I command them. Period, the end. Command, as in bend them to, you know, my will and whatnot. Fuckin’ A.
Even the ones with actual for-real brains, the cetaceans. If I want, you know, a pod of Burmeister’s porpoise to ram the hell out of Black Manta’s Manta Sub, that shit gets done. If I totally want, like, a southern minke whale to go hump a giant squid (its most hated enemy, by the way), I just go doodoodoodoodoodoo and it’s like Show World down there. Not that I would, because, you know, gross, but I’m just saying: I don’t ask. I’m not going to be all, If you wouldn’t mind terribly much, please, Mr. Southern Minke Whale, go get your nasty freak on with that giant squid.
Just, you know, FYI.
And it’s not training. I read that on some blog: “He just trains them to do all that.”
Dude, I can get 6 million krill to gunk up the engine of a getaway ship by having them hurl themselves up the intake jets. Mass sea-monkey suicide. OK? Try that shit with operant conditioning, with some big-titted blondie waggling a smelt, see what you get. Think they’re meting out kick-ass sea justice over at Epcot? Shyeah.
But everyone takes their shot. Fucking YouTube and shit. Cartoon Network. Suddenly every hacky comic’s got a tight five-minute chunk on lame old Aquaman. “Haw haw haw, he’s so laaaaame, hee hee hee, go talk to a guppy!”
It’s all good. Somehow I manage to suffer through it. I soldier bravely the fuck on, comforted only by the small but telling fact that I’m absolute goddamn ruler of-what was it again?-oh, yeah: the EARTH.
The PLANET.
And you, you’re, like, star of open-mike night at the Mirth Shack in Jacksonville. And your MySpace blog? OMG! ROTFLMAO!
You used to be cool, man.
When you were a kid, you’d sit at the bottom of the Stupaks’ pool, remember? Used to sit there and pretend the kickboard between your knees was Storm the Giant Seahorse, and you’d stay under for as long as you could, going doodoodoodoodoodoo.
Remember there was that orange T-shirt you had? Remember that? That was cool.
You sure seemed like a happy little kid.
But, you know, I get it. Whatever, that was a long time ago. Now you’re all, Wonder Woman never even let him fly her plaaaane, and whatnot. And that’s, you know, fine.
I could command you. You, those Robot Chicken assholes, alla y’all. Command you all to, you know, quit it.
I don’t make, like, a big deal about that, but I could. You’re just a fish at heart, dude. Down deep in your forebrain. I fuckin’ could.
But I won’t. That’s not how I roll. I’m a hero. Plus, I’m King of the Seven Seas, so, you know, I got shit to do, right?
No, it’s fine. You rock on with your bad self, dude. Mazel tov.
Seriously, though, leave my lady out of it. That’s not cool, man. Mera, she doesn’t get it like I do. She’s sensitive. I start hearing you talking shit about her, or her hard-water powers, or that time she turned evil, and I will fuck your shit up. Count on it.
Here you go, elph.
AQUAMAN,
KING OF THE SEVEN SEAS,
HAS FUCKING HAD IT
WITH YOU, MAN.
- - - -
First off, I don’t talk to them. OK?
That’s, like, the first thing. Let’s start there.
It’s not like I’m all, Hey, Peter Pufferfish, what’s up? and he’s all, Yo, nothing much, brah.
It doesn’t work like that, all right? I mean, most of them don’t even have brains, for one thing. They have maybe a bump at one end of their spinal cord, a pimply little swelling of ganglia, if they’re lucky.
Language is not a looming issue, is what I’m saying.
No, how it works is: I command them. Period, the end. Command, as in bend them to, you know, my will and whatnot. Fuckin’ A.
Even the ones with actual for-real brains, the cetaceans. If I want, you know, a pod of Burmeister’s porpoise to ram the hell out of Black Manta’s Manta Sub, that shit gets done. If I totally want, like, a southern minke whale to go hump a giant squid (its most hated enemy, by the way), I just go doodoodoodoodoodoo and it’s like Show World down there. Not that I would, because, you know, gross, but I’m just saying: I don’t ask. I’m not going to be all, If you wouldn’t mind terribly much, please, Mr. Southern Minke Whale, go get your nasty freak on with that giant squid.
Just, you know, FYI.
And it’s not training. I read that on some blog: “He just trains them to do all that.”
Dude, I can get 6 million krill to gunk up the engine of a getaway ship by having them hurl themselves up the intake jets. Mass sea-monkey suicide. OK? Try that shit with operant conditioning, with some big-titted blondie waggling a smelt, see what you get. Think they’re meting out kick-ass sea justice over at Epcot? Shyeah.
But everyone takes their shot. Fucking YouTube and shit. Cartoon Network. Suddenly every hacky comic’s got a tight five-minute chunk on lame old Aquaman. “Haw haw haw, he’s so laaaaame, hee hee hee, go talk to a guppy!”
It’s all good. Somehow I manage to suffer through it. I soldier bravely the fuck on, comforted only by the small but telling fact that I’m absolute goddamn ruler of-what was it again?-oh, yeah: the EARTH.
The PLANET.
And you, you’re, like, star of open-mike night at the Mirth Shack in Jacksonville. And your MySpace blog? OMG! ROTFLMAO!
You used to be cool, man.
When you were a kid, you’d sit at the bottom of the Stupaks’ pool, remember? Used to sit there and pretend the kickboard between your knees was Storm the Giant Seahorse, and you’d stay under for as long as you could, going doodoodoodoodoodoo.
Remember there was that orange T-shirt you had? Remember that? That was cool.
You sure seemed like a happy little kid.
But, you know, I get it. Whatever, that was a long time ago. Now you’re all, Wonder Woman never even let him fly her plaaaane, and whatnot. And that’s, you know, fine.
I could command you. You, those Robot Chicken assholes, alla y’all. Command you all to, you know, quit it.
I don’t make, like, a big deal about that, but I could. You’re just a fish at heart, dude. Down deep in your forebrain. I fuckin’ could.
But I won’t. That’s not how I roll. I’m a hero. Plus, I’m King of the Seven Seas, so, you know, I got shit to do, right?
No, it’s fine. You rock on with your bad self, dude. Mazel tov.
Seriously, though, leave my lady out of it. That’s not cool, man. Mera, she doesn’t get it like I do. She’s sensitive. I start hearing you talking shit about her, or her hard-water powers, or that time she turned evil, and I will fuck your shit up. Count on it.
#3
elph
elph
Aquaman's Angry Blog (Help find it)
That's the one. Thank you.
Where did you find it, or did you just happen to save it?
That's the one. Thank you.
Where did you find it, or did you just happen to save it?
#4
filmfanatic
filmfanatic
Aquaman's Angry Blog (Help find it)
I googled "Aquaman angry response" and found a page talking all about Aquaman.elph said:That's the one. Thank you.
Where did you find it, or did you just happen to save it?
#5
elph
elph
Aquaman's Angry Blog (Help find it)
Yeah, I was googling things like "Angry Aquaman Letter" or Blog, and didn't find anything..filmfanatic said:I googled "Aquaman angry response" and found a page talking all about Aquaman.elph said:That's the one. Thank you.
Where did you find it, or did you just happen to save it?
#6
Calleja
Calleja
Aquaman's Angry Blog (Help find it)
i'm pretty sure im the one who posted this way back when, but I don't remember where I got it from... huh
i'm pretty sure im the one who posted this way back when, but I don't remember where I got it from... huh
#7
JCM
JCM
Meh.
The original Aquaman (from More Fun Comics # 73 Nov. 1941) was just a human who talked to fishes, in response to Timely's Namor (who appeared in Motion Picture Funnies Weekly April 1939)
Silver age post-crisis Aquaman (in 1989, the Legend of Aquaman Special) ripped off Namor's origin story and Atlantis background (Half-human, should be king of Atlantis, now has superstreght and limited flight).
Then Peter David's run tried to make him angsty.
The original Aquaman (from More Fun Comics # 73 Nov. 1941) was just a human who talked to fishes, in response to Timely's Namor (who appeared in Motion Picture Funnies Weekly April 1939)
Silver age post-crisis Aquaman (in 1989, the Legend of Aquaman Special) ripped off Namor's origin story and Atlantis background (Half-human, should be king of Atlantis, now has superstreght and limited flight).
Then Peter David's run tried to make him angsty.
#8
HCGLNS
HCGLNS
Never liked the Aquaman concept, always reminds me of KnightBoat.
#9
figmentPez
figmentPez
While trying to find new motivational posters lately, I came across argument about the usefulness of Aquaman's powers. One poster pointed out that Aquaman's telepathy can be used on more than just fish. Apparently he's used it to take down both Superman and the Martian Manhunter. :bush: