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Those who have been there before me...

At the recommendation of some folks on the job, I'm contacting a counselor about possible anger management issues, along with other stuff going on in my life right now that I'm noooooot quite ready to share with folks at this point...

Never spoken to a counselor before. About ANYTHING. I am feeling oddly apprehensive about it in a way that I've never felt about anything before.

Any advice from folks who've been there?

My wife (as most of you know, a veteran of the military and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) suggests this:

1) Go here: http://therapists.psychologytoday.c...se_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_Find_Therapist
2) When you put in your city/state narrow your search by selecting "Anger Management" or anything else that is relevant under the "Issues" section and "EMDR" & "Cognitive Behavior (CBT)" under the "Approach" section. She's found that EMDR and CBT has been incredibly effective approaches with veterans and first responders.
3) It's often helpful to ask for a free 30 minute consultation to see if the therapist is a good fit. It's not strange to find that different people and different therapists sometimes click or don't click. Just make sure you have a good connection with the therapist. She says that 85% of the reason why therapy is beneficial is due to trust and a good relationship with the therapist. So if they aren't a good fit, find a different one.
4) Give it a little time. If you find someone who seems to be a good fit, give them a chance. Therapy isn't something that "fixes" things quickly. Hell, half the time or more the "presenting issue" (What you come in and say is the problem/issue) isn't really the thing that needs the most work so, take it slow.

Good luck and feel free to ask any other questions if you have them.

I appreciate the link, but I'm going to be going with the departmental counselor for now - mostly due to the price (free).

I really don't know what I expect to gain out of this... I don't know when I became so angry, but apparently it's become evident enough that it's affecting my work.

Gotcha. Well, hopefully they are helpful, I'm sure they have plenty of experience. They might do both or either EMDR or CBT, it's worth asking them.

As to the actual therapy: It's really not about "gaining" anything or "fixing" you, I'd try and think about it more in terms of... developing a healthy relationship with someone you trust who can help give you some tools and options for dealing with the things in your life that are difficult to deal with on your own. Hopefully, with their help, you can look into whats causing those anger issues and come up with some ways to deal with them.

It isn't easy though and that why my wife stresses having a good relationship with the counselor. And honestly man, if you don't feel like that person is a good fit for you or you don't trust them? Find someone who you do. It's not worth wasting your time if they can't help. Look into insurance options or sliding scale therapists. My wife offers several low fee slots for clients, especially if they can come during non-peak hours.

stienman said:

Just note that the department counselor is not necessarily under the same standards of patient confidentiality as a personal counselor. To their credit, many departments provide counselors that do adhere to the same confidentiality and privilege that private counselors do. However, some still require their counselors to divulge information or make some medical records available to the department that goes beyond the normal limits to confidentiality.

Your counselor should be able to provide, in writing, the confidentiality and privilege policy they follow during the first meeting.

You probably shouldn't let this prevent you from seeking counseling - if it's all you've got, then it's better than nothing - but if you do start feeling like you can't trust or work with them, as Espy said, look for someone else. It is worth the expense.

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Man, I didn't even think of that. Definitely check with them about their confidentiality. My wife concurs. She says its very common for their to be a huge conflict of interest in these situations where the therapist. Just something to be aware of going in to this.

So far as I'm aware, if I self-initiate, it's still covered under confidentiality... if I waited to be sent there, it'd be different.

When I went to the counselor after the loss of my father (& my house & my car & ...) he really didn't do too much. Probably because I went in knowing I certainly needed to. I told him what my issues were and he asked me what I could do about each of them. Issue by issue I went through possible options and in the end realized that I had just been too emotionally involved and had stopped looking at things in a critical light. So while he didn't really do anything, he helped by making me see that the solution had to come from myself as much as my issues did.

I don't think you guys know how close I was to just saying fuck it all. Not as in suicide, but as in packing my shit and just leaving. Leaving my job, leaving my family, leaving my life as it was. Really the only things that kept me even a little sane was my boss, who allowed me space, and this place. Believe it or not, I felt like you guys were more there for me than my family. My wife didn't want to deal with anything and I had to be the "strong one" all the while wanting to just fucking break down. I vented here when I couldn't anywhere else.

Officer_Charon said:

Those who have been there before me...

At the recommendation of some folks on the job, I'm contacting a counselor about possible anger management issues, along with other stuff going on in my life right now that I'm noooooot quite ready to share with folks at this point...

Never spoken to a counselor before. About ANYTHING. I am feeling oddly apprehensive about it in a way that I've never felt about anything before.

Any advice from folks who've been there?

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Literally the best thing I've ever done. The emotional help I've gotten from mine has been the only thing that's kept me from resigning.

Dave said:

When I went to the counselor after the loss of my father (& my house & my car & ...) he really didn't do too much. Probably because I went in knowing I certainly needed to. I told him what my issues were and he asked me what I could do about each of them. Issue by issue I went through possible options and in the end realized that I had just been too emotionally involved and had stopped looking at things in a critical light. So while he didn't really do anything, he helped by making me see that the solution had to come from myself as much as my issues did.

I don't think you guys know how close I was to just saying fuck it all. Not as in suicide, but as in packing my shit and just leaving. Leaving my job, leaving my family, leaving my life as it was. Really the only things that kept me even a little sane was my boss, who allowed me space, and this place. Believe it or not, I felt like you guys were more there for me than my family. My wife didn't want to deal with anything and I had to be the "strong one" all the while wanting to just fucking break down. I vented here when I couldn't anywhere else.

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A lot of therapy is really just people having someone they can talk honestly with and be there to help them confront shit. I'm glad you did that Dave and I'm sorry you had to deal with all that stuff. Thats so hard man.

One thing to point out is that therapy absolutely will not work if you aren't open to the process. There is this idea that therapists should have some sort of mystical power to get you to open up, but really, it's mostly self motivated. A good counselor is all about leading you to the root of your issues, but letting you get there on your own.

Basically, you get out of it what you put into it.

^totally true.

As silly as this might sound, don't be afraid of it. Yes, you're probably going to have to examine things about yourself that you'd rather ignore or forget. And it's not always going to feel great. But a good therapist, or one you have a good rapport with, is going to help you see those things more objectively. I agree with Espy that you may want to shop around to find someone who is a good fit for you. Even if it's not free, a good therapist is money well-spent. It'll make a big difference in all areas of your life, not just on the job. I had to go when I was 15 (not for anger management, but other stuff), and some of the things we talked about then I still use today.

Honestly, a lot of the problems that I know will come up is stuff that I've already talked with my wife about, and sorted out... and I've got my ideas as to where the root of my temper problems comes from (burnout, departmental issues etc), but this is something that was strongly urged upon me by a sergeant. I can see some of the writing on the wall..

Having been to a counselor for many things, I'd have to echo what everyone else here is saying. You'll only take out of it what you bring into it. I was fortunate enough to get a counselor that put me through hell and back in terms of making me open up and actually talk about my feelings on things and I can't thank her enough for that. She took me through some dark times and, while it wasn't easy, it was definitely worth it in the longer term. You don't have to open up right away, but at least be open to the process of opening up, and if you don't have a good rapport with him/her, don't bother continuing it. It's a relationship like any other.

As someone who sees a counselor and who would like to be one eventually, they know it's not easy for most people to just open up to a stranger. The counselor, for the most part, is going to follow your lead as far as what you wish to accomplish in therapy and try to develop a trusting relationship with you in order to do that. My counselor knows that I have a tendency to put my needs after everyone else's and every thing else I feel I have to do. So while I don't bring that up in therapy, she recognizes it from what I've told her. It's an issue I need to work on because it ultimately affects my ability to do what I do.
As several people have already said, go in with an open mind. If you've already made up your mind that counseling is a waste of time or can't possibly help, then you aren't going to take much away from it. Give it a chance. You might learn a lot about yourself.
Your first session or two will be along the lines of getting-to-know you/ introduction. You'll likely have to give some background information, family history, health history, etc. usually in a few forms to fill out. The counselor should explain the process to you, ask for your expectations, your reason for being there, and get your thoughts on seeing a counselor. From there it will be up to the two of you to explore the issues you have brought up and how to approach "treatment" (I put it in quotes because treatment is often associated with medication or more severe interventions when really it usually doesn't involve anything more than finding a way to help you think about things differently).
Also, there are different "styles" of counseling so that stereotypical touchy-feely Mr. Rogers/female New Age guru is not the person you will likely see in that office. The person you are going to see through your department has probably got a lot of experience dealing with issues that are more specific to first responders and special training just for that purpose. If after several sessions you are uncomfortable with this person's approach, then find out if there is someone else to you can see. You won't benefit from dealing with a counselor who rubs you the wrong way.

Good luck, OC. It's not an easy road, but it will be worth the effort if you give it a shot.

Espy said:

A lot of therapy is really just people having someone they can talk honestly with and be there to help them confront shit. I'm glad you did that Dave and I'm sorry you had to deal with all that stuff. Thats so hard man.

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Dave said:

in the end (I) realized that I had just been too emotionally involved and had stopped looking at things in a critical light. So while he didn't really do anything, he helped by making me see that the solution had to come from myself as much as my issues did. [...] the only things that kept me even a little sane was my boss, who allowed me space, and this place. Believe it or not, I felt like you guys were more there for me than my family. [...] I vented here when I couldn't anywhere else.

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I haven't had counseling since I was in grade school (and even then, I think it was more because people back then weren't really sure how to deal with "gifted" kids who didn't have rich families to let them explore their options), but the feeling I got about THERAPY in general is this: You go to therapy because you want to seek the advice of a) someone you value who b) has no direct involvement in your life. And to some degree that is part of the appeal of this place. For the most part, we care about one another to some degree, and have no personal involvement in each others' lives*. Obviously a therapist goes to school to better exploit that situation (presumably to YOUR advantage) than we could, which is why a therapist will charge money and we don't.

Either way, I assume the idea is the same: You go to someone for help because you have a tough knot in your life to untangle, but it's such a tangle that you just can't seem to manage to do it with only your own two hands, and maybe you can't go to your family/friends because they themselves are part of that tangle. Enter the trusted yet disinterested party, whose detachment reassures you that there is no ulterior motive to their advice. Additionally, the detachment ensures that perhaps you can relax and be more open than you might be with a friend or relative (due to social pressures/mores) which will speed discovery. This other entity will help tease out the details, as well as at times serve as an anchor so you won't lose progress in one area while you try to make progress with another. Sometimes it's a therapist. Sometimes it's an online forum. Sometimes it's a movie/TV shows that hits right close to home and shows you the light. Grok/emfol it and get better.

--Patrick
*Except for @Adam and @Jay of course.

PatrThom said:

I haven't had counseling since I was in grade school (and even then, I think it was more because people back then weren't really sure how to deal with "gifted" kids who didn't have rich families to let them explore their options), but the feeling I got about THERAPY in general is this: You go to therapy because you want to seek the advice of a) someone you value who b) has no direct involvement in your life. And to some degree that is part of the appeal of this place. For the most part, we care about one another to some degree, and have no personal involvement in each others' lives*. Obviously a therapist goes to school to better exploit that situation (presumably to YOUR advantage) than we could, which is why a therapist will charge money and we don't.

Either way, I assume the idea is the same: You go to someone for help because you have a tough knot in your life to untangle, but it's such a tangle that you just can't seem to manage to do it with only your own two hands, and maybe you can't go to your family/friends because they themselves are part of that tangle. Enter the trusted yet disinterested party, whose detachment reassures you that there is no ulterior motive to their advice. Additionally, the detachment ensures that perhaps you can relax and be more open than you might be with a friend or relative (due to social pressures/mores) which will speed discovery. This other entity will help tease out the details, as well as at times serve as an anchor so you won't lose progress in one area while you try to make progress with another.

--Patrick
*Except for @Adam and @Jay of course.

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@Jay's been a significant source of support in my life. As much as we may harass each other, I love the guy like a brother.

Adam said:

@Jay's been a significant source of support in my life. As much as we may harass each other, I love the guy like a brother.

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I don't doubt it. You two have had ADVENTURES.

--Patrick

PatrThom said:

I don't doubt it. You two have had ADVENTURES.

--Patrick

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AMAZING AVENTURES IN BRO-LAND
(Yes, I wanted Caps).
Now, there's a movie that I want to see!
Halforums Production, get a kickstarter going and hire Robert Bowfinger for it!

Just Me said:

Now, there's a movie that I want to see!
Halforums Production, get a kickstarter going and hire Robert Bowfinger for it!

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They could even go to White Castle.

--Patrick

Vegas

PatrThom said:

I Enter the trusted yet disinterested party, whose detachment reassures you that there is no ulterior motive to their advice. Additionally, the detachment ensures that perhaps you can relax and be more open than you might be with a friend or relative (due to social pressures/mores) which will speed discovery.
--Patrick

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Which, to me, brings about another issue: sometimes family and friends won't tell you the hard truth either because they don't think you want to hear it or they don't want to face it themselves. Maybe they don't know what to say. Maybe they'll tell you quit being a whinging ninny and ignore the fact that you do have a problem you can't fix on your own. Family and friends are not as objective as a counselor or other third party because of the nature of the relationship.

PatrThom said:

They could even go to White Castle.

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Jay said:

Vegas

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Best I could do.

WasabiPoptart said:

Family and friends are not as objective as a counselor or other third party because of the nature of the relationship.

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Ayep.

--Patrick

Yoiiis

To echo everyone else here, therapy helped me save my own life. I was in a really bad way, with my life resembling a barely functioning ball of extreme emotional disfunction, anxiety, and self-sabotaging behavior (and the occasional suicidal thought), and my therapist helped me pull out of my own emotional tailspin, accept who I was, and learn how to emotionally deal with my own issues.

Word to the wise as you try to figure out whether to stick with your departmental therapist or seek outside professionals though. Don't judge whether someone you talk to is the right fit by how you feel after the first few sessions, but by how comfortable you feel talking to the person about it. If you've got a lot bottled up, exposing the raw emotional nerves underneath can really hurt, at first. I felt awful after my first several sessions, but I kept going because just being able to talk about it to my therapist brought a strange kind of relief, and the longer I went the less bad it felt and the more relieving it got.

Maybe I'm odd, but I really don't feel uncomfortable at sharing thoughts and feelings with a stranger or a near stranger.

There are elements of my and my family's life that I feel are not most folk's business - it's why I don't tend to post on the "I Just Had Sex" thread by and large, for an example - but I don't feel uncomfortable at the thought of sharing them.

I don't know... I was really in a funk right after I got the ass-chewing that led up to the recommendation, and I'm still not entirely out of it, as there's something hanging right now that I'm awaiting a Sergeant and a Captain to resolve, but once they do, it should be over with.

I've just.... I've been in a bit of a downward spiral with regards to my work and work ethic for a long time, and I don't rightly know where to put the blame at. I hesitate to say "my kids," because that would mean blaming them for issues that I have, and I couldn't dream of that. I love my children with all of my heart, and refuse to see them as anything negative in my life, apart from losing sleep now and then.

This can really only be a good thing, and who knows, maybe just unloading on someone will help GREATLY... I just can't shake part of the feeling that I'm... I don't know. Not "giving in," or "being weak," because that's not at ALL accurate for anyone seeking help...

Eh... didn't mean to turn this into a vent. I'll see how things go on Friday.

Officer_Charon said:

didn't mean to turn this into a vent.

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Well, bottling it up didn't seem to be working.

--Patrick

I'm not comfortable doing it, either. In fact, there are things my wife still doesn't know about me and today is our 21st anniversary. You don't have to spill your guts, man. You only have to talk about what you feel comfortable with.

But the counselor has heard it all and probably doesn't care. It's like you're afraid to get undressed in front of a medical doctor. Think about all the things you see on a daily basis on the force. The lies, the pleading for leniency, the people who make mistakes and just don't know how to deal with it. But you've seen it all. You listen, but do you really care? You do, but probably not as much as that person thinks you do. You know who just made a mistake and don't think ill of them. Yet they think you'll see them as a bad person.

You're overthinking this, as we are all wont to do. Just go talk to the guy. What really do you have to lose?

Officer_Charon said:

I hesitate to say "my kids," because that would mean blaming them for issues that I have, and I couldn't dream of that. I love my children with all of my heart, and refuse to see them as anything negative in my life, apart from losing sleep now and then.

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I don't have kids, but the people who are important to my own life occupied more or less the same place in your sentence when I was considering my own problems. What can be really hard to grasp when you're at the low end is that there is a tangible difference between blaming the people you love and understanding what circumstances that involve those you love are contributing to your "downward spiral". A good therapist can help you find the best tools to affect change in those circumstances without assigning blame.

Good luck, buddy. Lots of sympathy and good vibes.

Always remember this: You can love your kids and be driven absolutely insane by some of the things they do. What counseling will do will be allow you to realize that you are internalizing and handling it in a personally destructive manner and will help you to deal with it in a different way. You have to realize your kids are imperfect beings as well and they will do some massively stupid things that YOU can see but not prevent. They have to be allowed to make their own mistakes.

Kids are stressful. They are a source of great joy and great worry. You want to protect them and yet you have to let them go do things on their own even when they are toddlers. As parents we second guess our decisions because we want the best for those little carriers of our DNA. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to provide them with everything they could possibly need, maybe before they really need it - if at all. I don't think it's a matter of "blaming" the kids, but they can still be a cause for your problems at work and dwindling work ethic if you are feeling like you aren't doing right by them. The children aren't a negative experience, but their presence in your life will play a role in decisions you make since it ultimately effects your family.

But I digress. I'm spouting off based on my experience with a husband in the military instead of an understanding of your own problem. If this was a physical health issue we would all be screaming at you to go to a doctor instead of being diagnosed on the internet. Go sit with the counselor. Get a different perspective. Talk, listen, and learn. I think it will help.

I know if our kid is any indication, you tell them things and expect your argument to be so reasonable that they couldn't help but listen due to the inherent benefit, but half an hour goes by and already they're trying to climb the stove wearing a cape while you boil water for pasta or something.

And that can be frustrating.

--Patrick

Frustrating? Neither of my kids are going to college. Either of them could do it FOR FREE and they don't.

Dave said:

Frustrating? Neither of my kids are going to college. Either of them could do it FOR FREE and they don't.

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(What? No, I'm not envious at all.)

Dave said:

Frustrating? Neither of my kids are going to college. Either of them could do it FOR FREE and they don't.

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Wanna adopt me?

Pick me! PICK ME! OOH! OOOH! *waves hands wildly* I wanna be adopted, too!

That was... surprisingly more help than I thought.

Nothing hugely insightful, nothing that I haven't already told myself a couple times, but the way he framed it helped me to put some stuff in a new perspective, and that's going to give me a direction.

Damned shame that I needed someone to do it FOR me, but I'll take it.

Exactly as it was for me. The fear and self-loathing of having to go just kind of blows away in the wind.

So glad you went and that it helped!

The part I don't get is how in the hell people have time for it. I tried going to a therapist once. When I found out it would require one hour a week during work hours I just gave up on it. That's unrealistic to expect anyone to do that.

I go every 2-4 weeks, and yeah, I'm just out for an appointment during that time. I would imagine a less relaxed work place could make that difficult.

Necronic said:

The part I don't get is how in the hell people have time for it. I tried going to a therapist once. When I found out it would require one hour a week during work hours I just gave up on it. That's unrealistic to expect anyone to do that.

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There's a reason why my wife's 5 and 6pm sessions fill first.

They got day jobs too.

Odds are you're there for a reason and should make the time for it. Book earlier or later appointments. Or around lunch time.

Officer_Charon said:

That was... surprisingly more help than I thought.

Nothing hugely insightful, nothing that I haven't already told myself a couple times, but the way he framed it helped me to put some stuff in a new perspective, and that's going to give me a direction.

Damned shame that I needed someone to do it FOR me, but I'll take it.

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Yup, I'm glad it's helping man. I think those of us that don't get some kind of help turn to way darker things to deal with what comes in the job. Usually it's a member's family that suffers, if they stick around.