Dealing with friend

[blotsfan]

I'm just dealing with a tough situation with a very good friend of mine. He was probably my best friend at school last year, but we didn't keep in contact much over the summer. Now this year, its gotten a lot different. Basically he's started dating a girl and not to sound cliche, but I (along with all of our friends) do not like her. We've all hung out a good amount but every word that comes out of her mouth is negative. I've talked to him about it and he said he would say something, but it hasn't made a difference. My girlfriend even says she saw him get a text from her complaining that all of us were going to hang out, so theres clearly some mutual feelings. In fact, we've kind of stopped communicating and hanging out, despite him living 2 seconds away from me.

Just to complicate things even more, just for fun, I was googling his name (along with other friends names) and found he had a profile on another social networking site. Looking at his information, I see that he's listed as bisexual. Not only that, but I saw stuff about him having a boyfriend over the summer and posts that basically confirm that he lied to me a lot about his life last year. Also, from some of his postings, it looks like he was going through a lot of tough times, not just last summer, but here now. I'm kinda worried that he's just with this girl because she's willing, not because he really likes her (their personalities are so different its staggering). The one other kicker is that his girlfriend is on that site and is also listed as bisexual, so I think it could be that he feels more comfortable talking to her about that.

So basically, I'm wondering what I should do. We've definitely been growing apart, and I would like to stop that a lot. I just don't know what I should say. A part of me wants to say that I'm ok with him being bisexual, but I dont think he'd be happy to know that I know (even though it was publicly online). Also, I'd like to say more about his girlfriend to him, but I understand how that would be sensitive to him, especially since he does like her.

 

[bhamv3]

I don't think you need to talk about his sexuality if he might be sensitive about it. It shouldn't matter, after all, as long as you don't plan on getting into his pants.

It's hard to determine why he's with his girlfriend if they're as different as you say, though "different" doesn't always mean the same thing as "incompatible." If she makes him happy, then be happy for him too, and if you really can't stand the girlfriend try to arrange activities that are just for the guys. You don't have to deliberately exclude her, but it's okay for a guy to have a social circle outside of his girlfriend.

Finally, when dealing with people, lots of things don't go according to plan and lots of things don't go how we would like. If you drift apart from a friend and can't really stop it, sometimes it's better to move on, wish him the best, and cherish the happy memories you have together.

 

[phil]

Not much you really can do, from the looks of it.

Don't bring up his sexuality since that'll make it seem like it is an issue even though it's not. Maybe try to just have a heart to heart with him and ask what he really sees in her. Don't attack him about it, just let him know that you're concerned and that you think he can do better.

 

[blotsfan]

Well I have thought of the guys nights, but the thing is, my girlfriend often hangs out with us, so I can't really include her, but exclude his girlfriend (even though my gf actually likes the stuff we do when we hang out).

 

[sixpackshaker]

If you do end up growing apart, make sure that he has a permanent E-Mail or Phone Number for you. Ya know, just in case.

Don't bring up his sexuality and how you found it. It does not matter. And if you confide in him that you Googled him he may feel a little invaded.

Let him know you are a bud, and you you will continue to be no matter what. Never pull bros before hoes. That is a sure way to lose a friend to what will likely be a short term relationship.

 

[phil]

So ask her to sit this one out. Or schedule it on a day when she's busy anyway.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

Orgy. It's the only way.

 

[strawman]

You accept the guy, you accept his GF. He chose her, they come as a pair for the time they are together. IF she is so offensive that you can't stand being around her, let him know that while you still want to hang out, you don't want her around, and you don't want to offend her by inviting him and excluding her. He deserves to know how his choices affect your friendship, although honestly you should be able to put up with her if he does.

It takes awhile for people to understand each other. She's probably negative when y'all hang out because she's bored. Figure out what she likes, where your interests intersect, and do something together that will be fun for everyone.

If you do something she doesn't enjoy, suck it up and ignore her negativity, or don't invite them over.

Eventually you'll all figure out where each other stands, and she will choose to disinclude herself without feeling threatened that you guys are trying to separate them.

You don't have to have a good relationship with her, but you do need to develop some amount of understanding and a basic relationship or framework so you can all at least communicate and trust each other.

Regarding his personal life - there's a reason he hasn't shared it with you. Treat it as confidential, and let things flow. Don't bring it up - he'll do that if he wants to.

 

[Chibibar]

this is what I would do.
1. Just have a guy nights out.
2. If he ask "Can I bring my girlfriend?" tell him no. and why. I would go along with "Your girlfriend doesn't seem to enjoy our activities" if he ask why, just mention that she is being negative about it.
3. Don't bring your g/f just make it guys hang out. with you and him or just the guys
4. DO NOT BRING UP sexuality. Don't look at him differently, acting weird or anything. Just be you. If he wants to talk to you about it, then it is cool.

 

[Jax]

I'm with Phil, there's not really much you can do about it. Since the feeling is (negatively) mutual between your group of friends and her, anything you do to reconnect with your friend will seem 'hostile' by the gf, who in turn will complain at her guy, causing further distance, etc. Even if you get through to him, you've already grown apart already and I got a feeling that will continue regardless of the girl. Friendships, like relationships, don't always last forever.

On a positive note, I do have some cases where I happen to meet an old friend that I haven't seen for some years, and we end up being close friends again. I think that sometimes you just need some time apart to do your own thing, and if the friendship is strong enough you'll find each other again someday (much like a relationship again).

 

[Piotyr]

I had a similar situation with a brother of mine. The more you try to voice your displeasure, the further he'll drift away. The only thing you can really do is trust that he's a smart enough person to see the truth in his GF when the infatuation wears off. And it will.

 

[Chibibar]

I had a similar situation with a brother of mine. The more you try to voice your displeasure, the further he'll drift away. The only thing you can really do is trust that he's a smart enough person to see the truth in his GF when the infatuation wears off. And it will.

sometimes. I lost a friend who is not willing to listen to reason. He married her (and possibly still with her) she treats him like crap and he think he couldn't do better.