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I had started this last year for NaNoWriMo, but left it on the back burner. I want to finish it, but this first time novelist would like some feedback on how well the first chapter establishes the concept and the protagonist. If you feel like reading this and offering some crits, thank you.

Dust-Chapter 1


Captain James Moses awoke to a morning like most others. The computerized alarm refused to cease ringing until he was standing upright; only then would the shrill, tinny whine cease. He had requested a new sound be programmed into the alarm, but the administration staff had pushed that request to the very bottom of their priority list. So, like every other day, he started with a slight ringing in his ears and a mild compulsion to force his ears to pop. It only lasted a few minutes, but he had grown increasingly annoyed at this daily problem.

Moses gazed out of his window, a reinforced iron-glass shield nearly two feet thick, yet it provided a view much clearer than anything he had before his mission. The swirling dust clouds of the nebula reflected and refracted the light from the nearby Argos Star, creating a symphony of colors, a warm glow that enveloped and embraced his station, giving comfort to a crew so very far from home, whose sacred duty would prevent them from ever seeing that home again.

James Moses was captain of the superstation Shadow, a vessel that carried the entire recorded history of the human race and Earth, a treasure like none other, worth more to humanity than anything else. The Shadow was stationed in the Atlas Nebula, a massive dust cloud that possessed a bizarre and not completely understood property - it appeared to exist within a single moment, immune to the very passage of time. The discovery of Atlas was the turning point in mankind's history, a discovery that coincided with a deeper understanding of time, along with the theoretical power to alter history itself with the development of the Pandora Complex, a machine capable of deleting moments in time. Pandora could show its controller any point in time, and could even accurately predict the new timeline that would be created should the past be altered.

Prior to the intense analysis of the Atlas Nebula, the Pandora Complex was only theory, one that seemed frighteningly real, yet just out of reach. The astronomers leading the research had observed that the nebula had not deteriorated like other similar dust clouds in the region, and there was no evidence of any recent violent collisions that could have generated such a tremendous amount of dust. It was an oddity, but there was no suspicions of its temporal effects until probes sent into cloud would emerge with their internal clocks frozen at the same instant they had entered the nebula, yet having recorded hundreds of hours of data. The clocks would immediately begin counting the seconds again upon exiting the nebula.

The architects of the Pandora Complex were intensely interested in the findings on the nebula. Their creation had already accurately predicted a number of events up to six months before they occurred, an accomplishment that, on its own, gave mankind a nearly perfect warning system for natural disasters and civil unrest. This was not the intended use for the Complex, and the team behind Pandora initiated a number of small tests to determine if, in fact, their creation was able to alter history.
They began by choosing an event, in this case, an avalanche on Mount Washington in which four hikers were killed. Through Pandora's amazing eye, they were able to glimpse not only the exact moment the avalanche began, but the cause as well - a large piece of ice breaking and disturbing the delicate balance of rock and snow. The researchers behind Pandora, Morana Corp., had amassed a fortune providing diplomatic consultations to the United States and several members of the European Union, running countless scenarios through Pandora to devise the smoothest paths to peace. They immediately financed a bold experiment; two probes would be launched into the Atlas Nebula, carrying nothing but data on the avalanche. Once they arrived, nearly two years later, Pandora was given the command to erase the minute in which the avalanche was triggered, preventing the disaster from ever happening. The ice that had fallen simply disappeared from the timeline before it hit the snow banks. The timeline had successfully been altered by the hand of man.

The experiment was not complete, however. One of the two probes emerged from the nebula, broadcasting a retrieval signal to Morana. They launched a recovery mission, and the results were astounding. The probe orbiting near the nebula had no data on the avalanche, but did contain data on the other probe. The crew of the recovery vessel, Titan, plunged into the dust cloud and brought the second probe on board. Heeding the first probe's warning not to extract this one from the cloud, they found recordings on a disaster that had never occurred, detailed reports on the experiment, and messages from the Pandora researchers on the importance of the work. The captain of the recovery vessel, Edward Billings, was stunned to find that he had also recorded a message. In the altered timeline, the avalanche had never happened, making the need for that particular experiment unnecessary. He was put on the recovery mission because he was the most senior of Morana's Civilian Space Program, yet he had played a major role in the most significant event in human history in two different timelines.

The Titan copied the recordings, and broadcasted them back to Earth from the nebula, should they lose the data as the first probe had. The probe was left in the cloud, a monument to the moment of truth of the Pandora Complex's unfathomable power. The data did reach Earth, and when Morana released their findings, the world was understandably stunned. Here was the power to alter history, to change the past and create a new future, and governments around the world agreed that a private corporation should not hold such power. The United Nations held an emergency session and created the Global Temporal Council, which would regulate and control the use of the Pandora Complex. They also seized the data Morana collected over the course of decades, schematics for the machine, and quarantined the engineers and researchers that had developed the technology. Every step was taken to ensure that the ability to manipulate the timestream would not be accessible to private citizens. An emergency global agreement was reached a unanimous vote would be required by all members of the Council before any use of the Pandora Complex.

While various members of the Global Temporal Council were eager to utilize Pandora, all the member nations agreed that a complete history of the Earth should be taken and placed within the Atlas Nebula, forever preserving that timeline. The GTC also voted to construct a superstation piloted by an elite crew that could send data back to Earth from the nebula while recording the new timelines created by Pandora. Pandora, in turn, would use that information to more precisely calculate how the timestream would be affected by future changes. In order to better preserve the cohesiveness of the project, no timeline could be generated that would result in the officers on the Shadow removed from that position. Even if some emergency forced the crew out of the nebula and into the current timeline, they would still be in command of the superstation and would know their responsibilities.

This was James Moses' duty as the primary guardian of history itself. He and his crew would never be allowed to leave the nebula unless the lives of the crew were threatened, as their own knowledge would immediately reconcile with a different reality. Some lower-ranked crewmen might even cease to exist, subtle, unexpected changes to the timeline having prevented their birth. The one hundred and twenty men and women on Shadow would remain in the Atlas Nebula for all eternity, for time did not pass there, and they could never age.

Captain James Moses awoke just like every other day, and smiled. He looked forward to reading about the changes to Earth, regardless of how small, because every tweak to history was a miracle, a triumph of man over his destiny. People did not need to die needlessly, to suffer under the cruelties of despots, or suffer devastating illnesses due to the unforeseen health effects of hidden carcinogens. The moment of creation of most of these threats could be eliminated, sparing the victims. Moses knew that every day, great progress was being made to preserve the precious gift of life.

He cleaned himself, dressed, and ate a light breakfast as he did every morning. His routine had become precise, matching the previous day's nearly by the minute. After twelve years of service aboard the station, the captain had become almost machine-like in his habits, but had never noticed. There was a peacefulness in such a routine. After eating, he sat in his chair and turned on the news broadcasts from Earth. By the time the signals reached Shadow, they were days old, and were often interrupted by the effects of Pandora, but during those times when the signal was coming through, Moses would take amusement in how the historical changes would affect the television anchors. In style of clothing and hair, method of delivery, and even the station's roster could wildly vary based on how far back in time Pandora would make changes. He did hope there would be no alterations that would affect the anchors of his favorite national morning news show, Wake Up, America; he was very entertained by this group and their great chemistry. Moses had watched it sporadically when he still lived on Earth, but with the limited entertainment and social options available to him on the Shadow, he had made Wake Up, America part of his regular routine. In a little while, his first officer would arrive to hand control of Shadow back to him, but for now, he would enjoy this small reminder of home.

Intriguing setting and setup, smooth flow. I enjoyed it.

I think your writing ability is fine, and for a lot of aspiring writers, putting the words down in a way that flows naturally is the toughest battle. I like the premise and imagination.

However, and this may be because I don't read this kind of sci-fi, I don't feel this is a good way to draw the reader in if this is a chapter of a novel-length venture. We start with the captain, so it seems like it's going to be about him, and then we're yanked into the backstory in intricate detail as if we're being read the summary from a history book. Exposition is challenging, because as writers we want the reader to understand the circumstances as quickly as possible so we can move along with the story we want to tell, but while an exposition dump is easy to process, it can also be a huge turnoff, A. because it can be more information than a person feels like devouring when there's little connection (such as with the character in this case, there's really no segue) and B. it lacks any sense of drama or relevance. Again, no segue, we're kind of just told at the end of the expo-dump what the captain's relationship with this.

Regardless of what I'm about to type, keep in mind you can do this however you want. In the novel Boneshaker, the prologue gives the historical rundown of the setting, and then chapter 1 gets us into the characters. In Nick's novel City of Smoke and Mirrors, the novel begins with character stuff and doesn't really get into the exposition until chapter 3.

This feels like you're trying to have it both ways. That can be done--the first book of The Hunger Games blends the two in a satisfying way within chapter 1. But as you have it, feels like first draft structure, even though the writing has better flow than first draft.

That's my personal take on it. Again, I don't usually read space-faring, hard-ish sci-fi; I usually stick with smaller scale stuff. I'm aware that in Star Trek and other classic sci-fi, the sudden expo-dump is accepted and expected, so don't take my opinion as hard fact. That's just how I feel when I read it.

I quite like the writing style, and I'm curious how it would/will ocntinue. I must say, though, that time travel and especially history changes tend to be...Massive plot hole machines. I've very,very rarely, if ever, read a book where people go back in time to change aspects, that didn't involve quite a lot of handwaving and/or plot idiocy (as in, characters being stupid because they have to for the plot to work - not a stupid plot per se )

That, and I doubt the EU and USA will be the "main" players in a future far enough for this to come to pass (as I doubt we'll be as important as we're now in 20 years' time). Obviously a minor nitpick, and one that might even be explained later on by time travel but still.

I do understand Quote's point, though: the change from personal story to flashback-cum-exposition is a bit jarring and sudden.

That was the tough part. The story needs that backstory on the time alteration, and the purpose of the Shadow, but I still need to establish Moses as a content commander who has adjusted to a schedule that will never change for eternity. Maybe breaking it up into a prologue and first chapter would give it a better flow.