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I gained the courage to ask out this girl I was crushing on and she said yes, which was awesome. Then she confided that she was, in her words, "90% lesbian" but still liked me and wanted to see where it would go. Okay, sure, it's still awesome.

Then today she told me she's kidding herself and doesn't want to date me.
Bummer =/

She still wants to go through with it. She wants to do what we were planning and just go as friends, which is a nice sentiment, but... I don't know. I don't feel psyched about it anymore. We weren't really friends for long before this; I had crushed hard and fast and took a chance on it. Should I suck it up and take her anyway? Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her to just forget it? What we were planning was an art gallery for Legend of Korra (we're both animation majors and huge nerds so it seemed appropriate), but it's 40 minutes away and if I weren't taking someone there as a date I probably would have said not worth the drive.

Is this a normal thing to be asked by rejected dates? What would you do?

Hey, if I told you that I'm an animation major too and quite a sizable nerd, and would love to go to a Legend of Korra art exhibition, and that we'd probably have fun appreciating the art and talking about it afterwards, how would you feel? Would you be willing to go with me?

Put like that, I see your point.

But I just had a huge crush on you and you had my hopes up for a few days and then shot me down at the last minute, I don't necessarily feel psyched to be with *you* at the moment.

So you wouldn't have gone yourself?

I think it would be ok to tell her that. If I rejected a guy, I wouldn't expect him to be excited about hanging out as just friends. That can be really difficult and painful for someone. Even if it's not particularly painful for you, I think it's fair of you to feel this way and express it.

Would you be interested in hanging out with her at all? Like not 40 minutes out of town? I'm just curious.

Sorry about your date.

David said:

Put like that, I see your point.

But I just had a huge crush on you and you had my hopes up for a few days and then shot me down at the last minute, I don't necessarily feel psyched to be with *you* at the moment.

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Yep, I absolutely agree that my analogy isn't a perfect reflection of your situation, since you've never had a crush on me. (as far as I know, anyway )

But I think this is the kind of mentality you should be going for. "Okay, things aren't going to work out between us as a couple, and that sucks. But y'know what, I can still treat her like one of the guys, and we can still enjoy the stuff we have in common. I mean, how many people can you really talk to about Legend of Korra these days?"

If this particular outing is too close to the rejection and you're still smarting, personally I'd say be upfront about it and tell her truthfully. I think she'd understand. And, if you're willing, also tell her that you're not opposed to hanging out again in the future, since finding friends with common passions is a rare opportunity to be cherished.

Cajungal said:

Would you be interested in hanging out with her at all? Like not 40 minutes out of town? I'm just curious.

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I would be. We just started forming a group that takes a break for a couple hours and plays board games in the back room of the Cintiq lab on Sundays, which has been fun and I would continue doing with her a part of it. The thought of taking her 40 minutes out of town in just a couple days is the thing that's most unappealing to me at the moment, and I suspect I'll be over it before long so I didn't want to rashly make any cancellations.

Tell her flat out that you like her and want to remain friends, but that right now you don't feel comfortable. Tell her you asked her out because of an attraction and you can't just turn that off. Tell her you like her as a person and that you can be good friends, but that you'll need a couple days apart to reassess how you feel, attraction-wise. Don't flake out, don't go all weepy, just tell her straight out what you are feeling and that right now going to this thing with her would cause you a little pain, but that you'd get over it.

Then later, the both of you can go out and talk about all the hot girls going by while you hang out together and act as each other's "cover."
...or you know, you could just hang out in general. It's been done before. She's still the same exact person you liked before for everything else, only certain specific avenues have been closed.

--Patrick

40 minutes? That's me driving anywhere worthwhile in Colorado.

No, don't go out with her. You're an idiot bringing unnecessary pain into your life. Once she said she was a lesbian but wanted to give it a shot anyway: that's when you should have said, "No, that's alright, I don't need that complication in my life." In fact, she never should have agreed to it, and probably did so out of some veneer of politeness, which people often think means spreading shit out over time instead of being upfront.

If you have feelings for someone, it's difficult if not impossible to be friends. It casts a pall over your relationship, because you either quietly suffer and wonder, or you occasionally broach the subject with her, and she quietly suffers and wonders if being your friend is worth the occasional awkward task of rejecting you again.

You're at a point where no real feelings are invested. You're at the optimal point of saying, "I'm looking to date someone; turns out it's not you, I'm going to go resolve these feelings with alcohol and a hooker."

You know

Like normal, well-adjusted people do.

Chad Sexington said:

Once she said she was a lesbian but wanted to give it a shot anyway: that's when you should have said, "No, that's alright, I don't need that complication in my life.".

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Calling someone's bisexuality or someone questioning their sexuality a "complication" is a little shitty and dismissive IMO

Charlie Don't Surf said:

Calling someone's bisexuality or someone questioning their sexuality a "complication" is a little shitty and dismissive IMO

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Charlie, in the context of Chad's post, do you really think he's referring to someone's sexuality as a complication? Serious question.

bhamv3 said:

Charlie, in the context of Chad's post, do you really think he's referring to someone's sexuality as a complication? Serious question.

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Yes.

girl: "I'm 90% lesbian, but I'd like to try it anyway"
hypothetical reply: "I don't need that complication in my life"


is there anything else this is referring to other than her sexuality?

Charlie Don't Surf said:

Yes.

girl: "I'm 90% lesbian, but I'd like to try it anyway"
hypothetical reply: "I don't need that complication in my life"


is there anything else this is referring to other than her sexuality?

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Yes. Incompatibility.

You might as well go; my wife was 99.9% lesbian (to use a ratio, I guess) and we've been together for almost a decade.

I'd make a joke about it, but I don't want to make you insecure. I just want people to know that otherwise I would've made a dumb joke.

Spending significant time with another person will change their relationship with you.

At this point, she doesn't think she'd be able to fall in love with you due to her understanding of her own sexuality. You've subsequently decided that she's right, she won't fall in love with you. People have been known to be wrong before, and spending time together will show you both how right or wrong you might actually be.

You both feel the chance of "clicking" is very slim. But the reward if you two do "click" is rather huge. The risk is very low - you're both going into it with eyes open. Any investor would take that chance. Low risk, low chance of success, but great reward if it works out.

Be a smart investor, go have fun, don't carry any expectations or assumptions. Flirt a little, see if she responds, you both might be surprised at how your feelings evolve. And you might not.

Don't let your anxiety/assumptions/expectations dictate your love life.

It's funny. Even though I have Charlie on ignore now (best decision I ever made, btw; you guys should try it), judging by the responses, I don't even have to guess what he said.

Anyway, honestly, @David? I say go. It hurts now because she crushed your expectations after already saying yes. That's gotta sting. But she still sounds like a pretty cool gal that could be a great friend. How many girls would want to join someone to an animation art gallery thing? I wouldn't even go with the intention of it being a date or flirt with her or anything. Just go, talk about animation and stuff, and just have a good time with a cool chick.

ThatNickGuy said:

It's funny. Even though I have Charlie on ignore now (best decision I ever made, btw; you guys should try it), judging by the responses, I don't even have to guess what he said.

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stop talking about me, you're fucking obsessed and it's weird

I echo what Steiney has said. If you're up for it, just go out and try to enjoy what you can from the experience. I think people may be getting a little too fixated on discovering and only enjoying what they like, its important for growth of character to understand what you dislike as well, that way you can try to turn your negatives into positives.

Charlie chiding TNG? It's as though a jackass stumbled upon a Escher painting that mirrors his own behavior. Neat!

I guess I'd say go for it. You'll probably end up having a better time than you think. sounds like she may be trying to figure some things out on her end so it'll probably be nice that a friend was willing to hang regardless.

ThatGrinningIdiot! said:

Charlie chiding TNG? It's as though a jackass stumbled upon a Escher painting that mirrors his own behavior. Neat!

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I don't go into unrelated threads and brag about ignoring people like a fucking grade school kid

I agree with the folks saying "go anyway", at least with the understanding that almost certainly nothing will happen.

It's nice to have friends of the opposite sex in general, and if you become actual friends, she might have other cute female friends she can introduce you to.

Charlie Don't Surf said:

Calling someone's bisexuality or someone questioning their sexuality a "complication" is a little shitty and dismissive IMO

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I'm saying going out with someone who won't give a simple and clear Yes or No is a complication. I don't care if it's "My grandmother just died, so I don't know if I want to go out on a date," or whatever. You just decide if you want to go on a date and you say Yes or No, you don't make the other person -having asked you out- also choose your reply. Why does he need to deal with her questioning her sexuality? She can go out with him, or not, and she can say, "This was great, but, I'm gay," or "This was great, and I want to see you again." Waffling on it beforehand, and telling him she's "90%" lesbian but maybe sort of wants to date or just hang out but hmm uh hah... is unfairly putting the decision making onus on him, because she doesn't want to decide Yes or No for one date. If he wants to maximize his happiness, he should go for the uncomplicated option, which is assume no, because it's not worth the energy to date someone who can't make a decision.

Maybe she didn't want to turn you down because you're softer than a mashmellow enough as it is? That's pretty considerate, if you ask me.
Maybe she wanted to hang out and check her options, I'm sorry, did you have any other plans?
Did you expect women to be a white or black solution? WRONG. 500 SHADES OF GREY.
Life sometimes deals you lemons and you simply have to nut up and deal with it.
If you truly like her, just go out, have fun and you know what... BUILD SOME CONFIDENCE being someone attractive so that the next one doesn't make you act like this.
Look, the fear of rejection is a struggle one has to cope with.
When you no longer have that fear, fun things happen.
Go have fun, be chill, be fucking normal and you never know, maybe she's got a hot straight chick she'd introduce to you one day.

NUT UP SON.

I don't know if we've overshot the target on this one or not, but honestly... I'd love to hang out with like-minded people less than an hour's drive away. I've got several folks from the SCA here who live about that close, and whom I don't get to see that often.

Echoing what everyone else here has said, just go with the expectation of having fun with someone. Keep it chill, you'll likely come off much more casual than if you were putting the pressure on yourself of it being "a date." Without that pressure, you'd be surprised how confident you can become. Speaking from experience. Even if you don't click "like that," you could still pick up a solid friend here.

You're a swell cat. Do your thing, have fun, and watch the HELL out of some Korra.

I guess I should update that I ended up calling it off.

You guys made some compelling arguments after the fact and if I redid this week I would have gone ahead and went through with it. But what I basically told her was that while I would be happy to keep being friends, I wasn't feeling down for this particular outing anymore. She took it well and said she understood, having been in my situation crushing on straight girls before. We're still chatting online about unrelated topics. As far as I know, we're both going to be at the usual board game night tonight.