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All right, before my whole messed-up debacle detailed in my other question, I was an extremely confident man. I was bordering on cocky, even. I would plunge head-first into things that I didn't know how to deal with because I knew I had the smarts and drive to figure it out.

And I did. And it was glorious.

But the thing is, my self-confidence had its foundation set on the woman involved in my previous thread. I think I didn't so much believe in myself as much as I believed in her, and she believed in me, so I believed in her belief in me.

I hope that made sense.

I never had much self-confidence before my relationship with her, despite plenty of evidence that I should -- high grades, excelling at most extracurricular activities I tried, etc. -- pretty much a textbook case of the Dunning-Kruger effect. And when my relationship fell apart, my self-confidence-by-proxy was shattered. I am left being the timid, uncertain man that I used to be, despite knowing that my can-do-it hit-the-ground-running attitude managed to get me hired in a job I wasn't quite qualified for and then get promoted to manager soon after.

I know intellectually that I'm capable of a lot. But there's some kind of subconscious fear that undercuts all my ambitions these days. Maybe because my relationship ended so disastrously, and I'm afraid of causing yet another disaster in my life.

But I don't like being a timid person. I liked having the throw-caution-to-the-wind-nothing-can-stop-me attitude that the relationship brought into my life. It made me into a better, more capable person.

Any ideas how I can overcome my fear and get this attitude back?

This is one of those situations where the saying, "fake it 'till you make it" actually applies.

Self confidence is self reinforcing- both negatively and positively. By going out there and pretending you are confident, you'll have experiences that will actually give you confidence.

Whereas before you believed in her belief in you, you now must believe in your own belief in you. You said so yourself - you are capable of a lot. Trust that belief, Act it out, and soon you will be self confident.

Have you tried having a huge penis, because I've heard that helps?

I'll agree with stienman, and add that you should give yourself some time to lick your wounds. You took a severe emotional beating and need time to heal. Otherwise you'll act panicky and desperate if you start dating too soon, which turns into a vicious cycle of panic, neediness, and further loss of confidence.

First, accept that you don't HAVE to be self-confident.
Second, accept that most people AREN'T self-confident.
Third, ask yourself why you WANT to be self-confident.
Fourth, when you understand why you want to be self-confident, it'll help narrow down what you can work on. Confidence isn't one mana pool you pull from for every situation. You can be confident in your work and sports, but not confident with the ladies.
Fifth, apply the methods you learned from gaining confidence in where you feel confident, to situations you don't. Was it practice? experience? Learning from failure?
Sixth, post a "This is how I became self-confident" thread.

Fortune favours the bold!

Keep on being the kick ass guy you know you're capable of being.

stienman said:

This is one of those situations where the saying, "fake it 'till you make it" actually applies.

Self confidence is self reinforcing- both negatively and positively. By going out there and pretending you are confident, you'll have experiences that will actually give you confidence.

Whereas before you believed in her belief in you, you now must believe in your own belief in you. You said so yourself - you are capable of a lot. Trust that belief, Act it out, and soon you will be self confident.

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That has worked for me before -- it's how I got where I am. I guess I just have to man up and try that again, despite my fears.
Stupid incapacitating fears...

Fun Size said:

Have you tried having a huge penis, because I've heard that helps?

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Got that covered already.

Adam said:

First, accept that you don't HAVE to be self-confident.
Second, accept that most people AREN'T self-confident.
Third, ask yourself why you WANT to be self-confident.
Fourth, when you understand why you want to be self-confident, it'll help narrow down what you can work on. Confidence isn't one mana pool you pull from for every situation. You can be confident in your work and sports, but not confident with the ladies.
Fifth, apply the methods you learned from gaining confidence in where you feel confident, to situations you don't. Was it practice? experience? Learning from failure?
Sixth, post a "This is how I became self-confident" thread.

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That... sounds like a really good process. I'm going to try it.

Azurephoenix said:

Fortune favours the bold!

Keep on being the kick ass guy you know you're capable of being.

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Will do!

Fun Size said:

Have you tried having a huge penis, because I've heard that helps?

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It so does.

Man, just go back to basics. Eat better. Work out. Spend time hanging out with friends. Get a hobby.

Just distract yourself until you snap out of it in a couple months and realize you're in shape and single.

Ass pennies

Make sure to feed yourself on a steady diet of success. Even if it's just something like building card houses, or a garage hobby. Eventually you will feel confident again. Think of it like training a muscle. The more often that you succeed at challenges, the more confident you will become. The only hard part is not biting off more than you can chew until you're ready for it. And then remembering that when you are ready for it, you have to take that bite.

--Patrick

Whatever you do, DO NOT exposure yourself to massive doses of gamma radiation.

I just want to note that what you are going through isn't unique. When leaving a relationship its easy to see yourself as a failure and have a loss of confidence. It's doubley so when leaving an abusive relationship since part of what makes abuse work is the loss of self worth.

I wish there was a way I could ask my Dad how he recovered but that's not so easy. The best I can do is tell you how I did.

I became selfish.

That may sound crazy but I started doing things solely for my own pleasure. Hanging out with my friends? They were my entertainment. School work? So I could get praise from my teachers. Art work? For my own enjoyment. Charties? Screw the poor! I was doing something worth something!

Again, sounds crazy but it worked. The trick is to be selfish with out becoming self involved or losing you empathy. That may be tricky, I don't know. It came pretty easy to me.

Now a day I wpould say I'm pretty confident in most things. My weight may be the only thing that keeps me off balance.

This may be awful advice but its what worked for me.

I agree there's gotta be some degree of being selfish and not giving a fuck.

You can't base your sense of self worth on others' thoughts and perceptions, because you'll never be able to control how others perceive you. So even when you do the most altruistic things, they can be misconstrued and perceived incorrectly by others just because of their personal biases.

Realize that a lot of people who appear to have self confidence are actually faking it.

Conversely, a lot of people who apparently have self-esteem issues are actually really confident, they just like faking it too. True story.

Piotyr said:

You can't base your sense of self worth on others' thoughts and perceptions,

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...because then by definition that would be how much others value you rather than how much you value yourself.

--Patrick

PatrThom said:

...because then by definition that would be how much others value you rather than how much you value yourself.

--Patrick

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Indeed, but it's amazing how many people get so wrapped up in others' perception of them, and think of that as their self-worth.

Find a girl you aren't particularly attracted to and faux confidence yourself into dating her. Ignore the holy shit out of her and the things she'll do to boost your ego will pump up any missing confidence you think you have. 'I'm a little drunk.

Lot of good advice in here. If you went to Toastmasters or the like, they'll pretty much tell you the same thing. Act like you're confident until it sticks. That's what that guy you admire for going all in does. Either that, or he just doesn't care about the outcome, in which case he's irrelevant anyway.

I am suddenly struck with the realization that I am an awesome and creative man, and I have the run of a website with which I have nothing in the way of me trying out my awesome and creative ideas.

Stand aside! I take LARGE STEPS!

Hell yeah!

Soliloquy said:

Stand aside! I take LARGE STEPS!

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Ah, incest long before George Lucas made it cool.

--Patrick

Soliloquy said:

I am suddenly struck with the realization that I am an awesome and creative man, and I have the run of a website with which I have nothing in the way of me trying out my awesome and creative ideas.

Stand aside! I take LARGE STEPS!

Click to expand...

Yaaaaaay!