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How to help someone feel pretty

Jan 22, 2014#1

Piotyr

My wife hates how she looks. She feels heavy and ugly every day. Every day I tell her she's beautiful to me, and I could never want anyone else besides her. I have a feeling, though, my words are meaningless to her now, since I'm biased towards her and always supportive.

Is there anything else I can do to help her sense of self-assurance about her looks?

Jan 22, 2014#2

Jay

Post some pics and I'll upload some gifs?

Jan 22, 2014#3

Piotyr

Now I'm not an expert, but I have a feeling that posting unauthorized pics of her to be evaluated by people she doesn't know is not a good solution.

Jan 22, 2014#4

linglingface

Jan 22, 2014#5

Espy

Honestly theres probably nothing you can say. If she has things she wants to change about herself then about the only thing you can do is help her by coming along side of her. What I mean is, if she is struggling with her weight then start working out together. Do it together. Let her gain the self confidence she needs by making changes together. Because you can't help her out of whatever is going on with words. Also, and yes, I am married to a Marriage and Family Therapist, but some counseling with a good therapist might help if she's struggling with any sort of depression, even if it's minor.

Jan 22, 2014#6

WasabiPoptart

The best help you will be able to give her is going to be support. You unfortunately can't make someone see themselves differently than their own perception. However, there are things you may be able to do or suggest to her that could help her boost her self-esteem. When she says she's unattractive, tell her how you feel about her appearance, then ask her what it is she would like to change about her looks. Ask her if she would feel better if she could work on these things. Help her make goals and a plan to reach them. Has she thought about a new hairstyle or color? Maybe getting a makeover to learn updated colors and make-up techniques? You could offer to work out with her or put together a healthier eating plan for the family. Of course, I don't know your wife so she may take this all the wrong way if that is her personality. I know this is what works for me though. My husband offering his help and support lets me know that he wants to see me succeed and that in turn helps me feel more like I am attractive to him.

Jan 22, 2014#7

Piotyr

I'll have to see if there's anything she wants to change that I can help with, I just don't want to come across that I feel she needs to change, because I'm happy with her as is.

Jan 22, 2014#8

LittleKagsin

This is a really tough question. In my experience there is no one solution to this problem. And every woman feels differently about it. But the most difficult thing is that no one can force anyone to feel pretty. No amount of compliments or anything will make her believe them. She has to figure it out herself, which sucks, but it's the most sure fire way to get confidence to stick around.

I wish I had more ideas to help you out.

The one thing that I appreciate a lot is when my husband notices little things. I much prefer 'Your eyes look amazing today.' Or 'I love what you did with your hair.' over just a general 'You're pretty.' Noticing the little things, to me, means he's actually paying attention and I like that.

Is weight really an issue? If it is an issue, I think doing a dietary change together might help. That way, she won't feel like you're telling her she's not good enough, or that you're unhappy with her appearance. Eating better also has other pretty snazzy side effects - more energy to do things, your body will feel better from the inside out, and with feeling better maybe even some confidence will sneak into her life.

Man, I feel like this is about to get long-winded. Brace yourselves.

I struggled, STRUGGLED, with weight and body issues for years. And nothing helped. Even going to doctors did little to cure me. Sure they got me over my social anxieties and depression, but my self hate stuck around. Being at collage was both the best and worst for me. I basically lost everything important to me in matter of a couple months and when I was the most alone was when I figured it out. I figured out my own self worth and what I did then is what I continue to do now: I will never weigh myself. Ever. Society puts a lot of pressure on the numbers when really, they shouldn't matter. Everyone is all wrapped up in 'You should weigh this much, or you're not good enough' blah blah, whatever. And so, I don't own a scale and I don't see their importance. That may be completely the opposite for you wife - maybe she likes to see numerical progress that she makes? But really, not having a scale helped me a lot to not give a damn about the numbers.

I feel like I have a lot more to say about the subject, but I don't want to get rant-y. And I would.

Continuing to be supportive is key and I hope your wife can find confidence in her self someday soon. It really just kills me that women can't wrap their heads around how pretty they are! Everyone has their crappy days, but seriously, I have yet to meet someone who I don't find gorgeous.

Jan 22, 2014#9

linglingface

I've had low self-esteem for years, and it's not nearly as bad now as it was a few years ago, but even now if people compliment me, I usually still tend to think they are *just being nice*. It's hard to pull yourself out of that mindset. There are some days where I do feel "pretty" and I have come to accept my face & body for what they are. It took a couple years before I even considered putting myself into skinny jeans because I hated my legs. My calves are big for my size, and it's hard to find boots that fit over them. My thighs touch, and I hated that. It's ridiculous too, because I am a fairly petite person, and yet still I had weird body issues. I didn't even like the way I looked in a 2-piece bathing suit...
Eventually I told myself to stop caring about what I thought other people would see, because the reality is, other people don't care nearly as much (or rather not at all) as you think they do. You are your own worst enemy. I'm constantly telling myself to stop putting myself down and just live and love myself.

Jan 22, 2014#10

WasabiPoptart

I still have self-esteem and body issues. I'm working on it. Exercise helps me a lot, too. It's not just because I'm getting in better physical shape, but I feel like I'm doing something for myself and the happy chemicals in my brain get a big boost. The last time my husband told me that he thinks I'm beautiful, I got teary-eyed. It was nice to hear from him, and I know he meant it, but I wished I believed it about myself.

Jan 22, 2014#11

LittleKagsin

I seriously want to just hug every woman who doesn't feel pretty, your wife included Piotyr!

Jan 22, 2014#12

Cheesy1

Unfortunately, it's not just a girl thing. I struggle with my self image, I don't think I'm very attractive. I'm short and fat, and diet and exercise never seem to work. About the only thing I've ever been told is pretty about me are my eyes. I've had women literally laugh at me when I've asked them on a date. Doesn't help the self esteem issue much.

Jan 22, 2014#13

Gilgamesh

@Cheesy1 - I know so many women like the one who dismiss you. Some are even relatives. I've seen them do it, I read about it on their Facebook pages etc. Then there are the curvy women who only like buff/athletic men and put down curvy men. I dislike both these types of women with a passion. Most of the time I get booted from their Facebook (They were only on there due to family connections) or draw alot of their ire by posting images like this:

Their obliviousness to their hypocrisy is insane. I wouldn't worry about or let women like that ever bother you man, there's someone out there that will love you exactly as you are, even if sometimes you feel there isn't.

Jan 22, 2014#14

Cajungal

It's already been said--you can't *make* her feel differently about herself, but you can keep being honest and being there for her.

I'm not always good at just taking a compliment. I still deal with self-hatred. When I work out, I still sometimes hear that asshole at the gym say, "maybe you should consider liposuction." It's a battle, but at least I've gotten to the point where I can usually smile and thank Jake, or just lead him wordlessly to our room. :unibrow:

Jan 22, 2014#15

Piotyr

I know I can't force anything, I just want to help.

Heck if we can even get to the point of me being led wordlessly to our room, I'll count it as progress. :unibrow:

Jan 22, 2014#16

Cajungal

Jake actually got a little tough love on me. He forced me to really face the way I was thinking. Do I really think my appearance changes my value as a human? Am I that cruel to other people? No? Then maybe I don't deserve it either. Maybe it really helped that he wasn't too gentle. I got to see that my mistreatment of myself was upsetting to him. Can't say it would work for everyone.

Jan 22, 2014#17

MindDetective

Cajungal said:
Jake actually got a little tough love on me. He forced me to really face the way I was thinking. Do I really think my appearance changes my value as a human? Am I that cruel to other people? No? Then maybe I don't deserve it either. Maybe it really helped that he wasn't too gentle. I got to see that my mistreatment of myself was upsetting to him. Can't say it would work for everyone.

Sometimes my wife says some things about herself (not as a rule, just slips out once in a rare while) that I think, "If I ever said that to you, you should kick me right out of the house." We often hear "treat others how you wish to be treated" but maybe we also need to say "treat yourself the way you treat others."

Jan 22, 2014#18

WasabiPoptart

MindDetective said:
Sometimes my wife says some things about herself (not as a rule, just slips out once in a rare while) that I think, "If I ever said that to you, you should kick me right out of the house." We often hear "treat others how you wish to be treated" but maybe we also need to say "treat yourself the way you treat others."

That is very true, too. I have said things about myself that I would not stand for coming from another person. I've learned over the years that it is just as important to be kind to myself as it is to show kindness to other people.

Jan 22, 2014#19

Celt Z

Piotyr said:
I'll have to see if there's anything she wants to change that I can help with, I just don't want to come across that I feel she needs to change, because I'm happy with her as is.

You've got a lot a good advice in here, so I don't have too much to add. I just wanted to let you know it shows how much you care about your wife to ask for help trying to make her happy. Unfortunately, it sounds like the root of the problem is issues she'll have to face internally, but with you supporting her, she'll probably have a much better chance at success. Sometimes the best thing you can be is someone's sounding board and their cheerleader.

Jan 22, 2014#20

linglingface

Find what kinds of things make her happy too... I know I love a well though-out outfit as well as a good hair day.

Jan 22, 2014#21

Dei

Doing roller derby did a ton to help me with my personal body issues. I am happier with my body now than I have ever been. Between fitness and the increase in endorphins, I am much happier with how I look. I do start to feel gross and fat whenever I don't practice for a week or something though.

So my recommendation, besides unconditional love, is help her find something she will love to do, be it together or on her own, that will help contribute *positively* to her life. Also, do not suggest she exercise or diet when she's in the middle of criticizing herself, it will probably just make her feel worse, and mad at you.

Jan 22, 2014#22

Jay

LittleKagsin said:
I seriously want to just hug every woman who doesn't feel pretty, your wife included Piotyr!

I don't feel pretty.

Jan 22, 2014#23

Ravenpoe

Jay said:
I don't feel pretty.

I'm here for you, bro.

Jan 23, 2014#24

Espy

Piotyr said:
I'll have to see if there's anything she wants to change that I can help with, I just don't want to come across that I feel she needs to change, because I'm happy with her as is.

Well, there may or may not be, in the end continue to support and love her, which it sounds like you are doing. Keep that up for sure. Honestly when my wife has been down in the dumps about stuff like that I just have asked her, "what can I do to help you?" and it's usually stuff like giving her time to work out or a need for a weekend away with her Mom or friends or something. Obviously that won't be the same for everyone but the concept is the same. "I love you, how can I help you?" is a hard thing for reasonable people to get mad over.

Jan 23, 2014#25

LittleKagsin

Jay said:
I don't feel pretty.

Jan 23, 2014#26

Jay

LittleKagsin said:
GIF

You make me feel like..

Jan 23, 2014#27

strawman

Jay said:
You make me feel like... flipping out

Jan 24, 2014#28

Krisken

Jan 26, 2014#29

Hailey Knight

Cajungal said:
Jake actually got a little tough love on me. He forced me to really face the way I was thinking. Do I really think my appearance changes my value as a human? Am I that cruel to other people? No? Then maybe I don't deserve it either. Maybe it really helped that he wasn't too gentle. I got to see that my mistreatment of myself was upsetting to him. Can't say it would work for everyone.

This is pretty much how I had to put it with my wife. I was sick of hearing it and needed her to confront how she was thinking about herself.

But tough love doesn't work on everyone; it depends on the kind of person and the dynamic of the relationship.

Cheesy1 said:
Unfortunately, it's not just a girl thing. I struggle with my self image, I don't think I'm very attractive. I'm short and fat, and diet and exercise never seem to work. About the only thing I've ever been told is pretty about me are my eyes. I've had women literally laugh at me when I've asked them on a date. Doesn't help the self esteem issue much.

I know it doesn't feel that way, but making a girl laugh is a good foot in the door. If you can roll with that laugh as that you're a funny guy, you can turn that laugh into a yes.

The thing about confidence is that it's all bullshit. Every confident person you've ever met has had some doubt in themselves at some point and learned they weren't going to get what they wanted unless they forced themselves to feel like a million bucks. When I was 19 I started acting like I had confidence, even though I didn't feel that way, and eventually it became real. Nothing about my body changed and there are still mornings where I look in the mirror and say, "You're an ugly son of a bitch", but then I go on my way because that perception is bullshit too. It's amazing how much of who we are is bullshit.

Jan 26, 2014#30

PatrThom

Hmm.

Is it that she doesn't feel pretty (when looking in a mirror, or whatever), or that she doesn't understand how YOU could want to be with someone who is (allegedly) so unpretty?
The difference matters.

--Patrick

Jan 27, 2014#31

Piotyr

PatrThom said:
Hmm.

Is it that she doesn't feel pretty (when looking in a mirror, or whatever), or that she doesn't understand how YOU could want to be with someone who is (allegedly) so unpretty?
The difference matters.

--Patrick

It's a bit of both. She hates the way she looks, and frequently uses it as an excuse not to be with me, despite my protests that now ring on deaf ears.

If I try to be supportive and make comments about how beautiful I think she is, she ignores them. If I get combative and try to get her to face her issues, she shuts down to me. If I ignore her complaints and act like everything is fine, she continues to complain and it bothers me. I feel like I can do no right here.

Jan 27, 2014#32

Docseverin

I have huge body and self image issues that I struggle with everyday. Nothing is going to change the way she feels until she wants to change it. It's 90% mental and you can't do it for them, so be supportive and loving but be firm as well.

Jan 27, 2014#33

Ravenpoe

Docseverin said:
I have huge body and self image issues that I struggle with everyday.

WHAT?! If -you- can't feel good about yourself, how do any of us have a chance?

Jan 27, 2014#34

strawman

Ravenpoe said:
WHAT?! If -you- can't feel good about yourself, how do any of us have a chance?

Who would throw a perfectly good body out of an airplane if they didn't want to get rid of it?

Jan 27, 2014#35

Celt Z

stienman said:
Who would throw a perfectly good body out of an airplane if they didn't want to get rid of it?

Mar 22, 2014#36

Piotyr

Two months later...

My wife had started having anxiety and panic attacks in addition to her "normal" depression, so she finally agreed to at least go see a doctor about things. Doc put her on some anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds, and she took a week off work last week. Last night we had the best talk we've had in a while after she was having trouble sleeping, so we just stayed up all night together and...mostly...just talked about things.

Mar 22, 2014#37

Gilgamesh

Uh huh, I saw your post in the other thread

Seriously though, this is very good to hear I'm glad things are picking up.

Mar 24, 2014#38

Emrys

That's why he said "mostly".

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