I must enjoy being alone and miserable: I broke up with the perfect girl.

Status
Not open for further replies.
J

Jiarn

-sigh-

As some of you may remember, I was dating this amazing girl who came into my life not but 9 months after the breakup of my longest term relationship. She was everything I had ever dreamed of in a person. Exactly like me in every way. I fell a bit too hard too fast but she was flawless to me. We had everything in common, she had a wonderful daughter and loved my kids. She was smart, funny, confident and sexy in her own way. I pictured an amazing life with her.

Some of you may remember that my ex was trying to get me back throughout that time, to which I tried keeping her as a friend but as she continued to try and pursue me I told her that I would have to stop speaking with her because I had chosen my current relationship over her. That was the situation up until about a week and a half ago.

She finally called me back, after telling me she was going to dissapear from my life, and said she understood my decision, and whether she liked it or not it wasn't going to change. Her only request anymore was to see the children and be full time in their lives as she missed them as much as she missed me. I was VERY weary of this request and told her I would have to think about it. I stewed on it and eventually brought it up to my children, in a round a bout way, expecting them to say they didn't want anything to do with her.... I was wrong. They immediately started talking about how much they missed her and their step-brother.

-sigh-

At this point I decided I would finally agree to meet with her and talk to her stricktly about the children and her involvement with them in the future. I called her up and set up a meeting for Friday while making it VERY clear that if she made any attempt to come on to me, try to seduce me or talk about "us" in anyway I was going to cut off the visit and she'd not see the children. She agreed and Friday rolls around:

She calls that she's in town and headed for the hotel she was going to stay at, and I head over to meet her. I get to the parking lot and see her car. I walk up to it and the moment I see her step out.... I'm done. She walks up to me and we share a hug and suddenly everything in me breaks. All the strength I thought I had in place to be over her, all the feelings I thought I had for others over time, all the mental blocks I had put in place not to think of her... completely shattered. We got her checked in and spoke in the lobby for a while. The entire time she's keeping to the subject she promised. Talking about seeing the kids full time, moving to my city after she graduates from college in May, getting my two children and her son back together as often as possible etc....

Problem is, I'm completely lost in her. Every movement, every minut facial expression, every word that comes out of her mouth is like silk and sweets. I'm lost. Worst of all, I realize everything I felt for my current girlfriend paled in comparison and that angered me. Why? She's perfect and ex and I were never really compatiable. Sure we had more good times than bad, sure we spent the entirety of our 20s together, sure we had a strong family bond..... it all made sense.

-sigh- After the day and night were over, I drove the kids over to her hotel so they could spend the night with her and spend Saturday (since I worked) with her. They were overjoyed and ecstatic. I knew she wasn't going to leave again, she was unbelivably regretful of her decision and I truly felt she learned from her mistake. Problem is.... I was still very much in love with her. I wished them all a good night and went home to sleep on it. Saturday rolled around and I spent all day at work, with no focus possible, thinking about the situation. The only conclusion I could come to: I had to break up with my girlfriend.

I couldn't continue to see her and tell her that I had feelings for her and only her when I didn't. I couldn't continue a relationship if I was going to have my ex in my life, even if it was just with the kids, until I sorted out my feelings for her. In essense, I had to end one of the best things that happened to me.... and it's been hard every since.

-sigh-
Sorry to rant on you all.... just feels good to get out there....
 
J

Jiarn

Trust me, I've gotten all kinds of hate and bile thrown at me from all directions in the past week. I've heard alot of it. Worst of all I don't deny any of it because I don't deny any of the blame.

Noone did anything wrong but me. My current ex girlfriend did nothing but be good to me. My ex mother of my children didn't try and ruin things and simply focused on getting back in touch with the kids. I simply could not NOT have feelings for her.

I feel wretched, and have for days. Though I don't expect anyone to sympathize with me or try to understand what I'm going through. All I know is that I need to find my center and figure out what to do from here.
 
Azurephoenix

Azurephoenix

Dude... I ought to smack you...

(Sorry man... not trying to be a jerk but I can't help but think you may have made a mistake... but that's purely my opinion. Please prove me wrong... good luck!)
 
Mathias

Mathias

Dude, no offense to your current girlfriend, but your ex wife sounds like she's your soulmate.

Exactly like me in every way
Click to expand...
What's the point of a relationship then? Your significant other is supposed to fill in the parts where you're not whole. Nobody is perfect. Nobody. Your soulmate is someone who challenges you, who makes you a better person, who makes you want to be a better person.

It just seems like that's what you have with your ex.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
The heart wants what the heart wants, man. You usually can't do anything about it.

In your favor, you didn't dovetail. You let your (now ex-) girlfriend know what was going on and you didn't cheat on her. Even though I see why you did what you did and also think you may have made an error, that's not necessarily the truth. This could be what makes you all very happy. There's just no way to tell.

All I can say is good luck and you have a place to rant if you need to.
 
J

Jiarn

I'm sorry Azurephoenix, I really did take your advice to heart. I refused to see her when she was attempting to get back with me, I stopped talking to her and focused on the other girl I really did.

Mathias, I doubted that when she left me and did the things she did. I kept tabs on her for a very long time through a friend who was basically a "mole" for me. Turns out she never dated in the entire time we were apart. She gave one guy a chance and ended it within a week. She always talked about me and the regret she felt for leaving. When I told her that I wouldn't take her back she was completely devestated. All this information came from a reliable source.

I tried moving on for so long, different dating situations, different types of women, being alone, everything. Out of sight, out of mind seemed to only barely work and it really did take only seeing her in person to realize that it wasn't going to happen.

Back when we were together, we'd have our fights and problems, I used to think "If I was dating someone more like me, I'd be so much happier". Turns out I was wrong. All I needed was to stop, look at what I had in front of me and appreciate it for what she was. Had I done that, I'd have never driven her off....

All the feelings I thought I had for this recent girl pale in comparison to what I feel seeing her. It's sad and depressing in some ways, but uplifting in others. I just wish all this didn't come with such heavy prices.

Dave, yeah I wouldn't have done that to the recent girl. I'm not the type of have multiple women running around and I wasn't going to date someone who was giving me 100% if I was only giving 50. I know most wouldn't agree with my decision, but I felt it was the only fair thing to do for all 3 parties....
 
Azurephoenix

Azurephoenix

Jiarn said:
I'm sorry Azurephoenix, I really did take your advice to heart. I refused to see her when she was attempting to get back with me, I stopped talking to her and focused on the other girl I really did.
Click to expand...
Bah, no need to apologize... you did what you felt was best and honestly at least you handled it well by being up front with your girlfriend. If you lived close by I would buy you a beer and loan you some crappy action movies to watch. Good luck dude... we're all rooting for you no matter what.
 
North_Ranger

North_Ranger

Staff member
I believe you know what I think about this, Jiarn... but I'm not going to say anything. I don't know all the details. And you are a grown-up, and you make your own decisions. And like Dave said, the heart does what the heart does. Hopefully it will lead you true.

Take care of yourself and the kids, old boy...
 
J

Jiarn

sixpackshaker and North_Ranger the details are pretty much in the first post, there's not much else there. I felt the way I did, despite every reason not to.

Perhaps to be a bit further detailed: The entire night that we were traveling from place to place when she first arrived, heading to places to talk, everything felt "wrong" because of how we were. Distant, apart, cordial and nothing more. That felt "wrong". There were times on Saturday, after calling it off with the recent girl, that I would put my hand on my ex's back for a few moments and it was like a shock of lightning through my system. Something so small created such a huge feeling of "right". I really can't describe it any other way.

Mathias, I've never gotten back with someone who've I've lost/split up with before, I'm not really sure how to go about it. So far what I've told her is that I did still have feelings for her, and because of it I broke up with my recent girl. I told her that it wasn't going to affect her ability to see or call the kids and she was more than welcome to continue but that I would need a little time to sort out all my feelings and figure out what to do from here.
 
J

Jiarn

Weird, I don't remember asking for advice. Nice assumption though.

Oh and if you don't respect and enjoy the company/opinions of those around you, why hang around?
 
W

wikked

None of you really know me, i'm more of a lurker than a poster. But, i feel the need to offer some advice based on personal exsperience.

i'm not sure why you guys split at first, but i left my wife because of her cheating. I took the kids and filed for divorce. Afterwards i dated a bit and met someone who was wonderful. We had a lot in common and things were going very well. But then I got to thinking and comparing. The problem with that is this, the new relationship will never compare tp the former. Especially if the former one was a long one. You will think about how great things were and forget about the times you had problems. Sure you will remember some of the problems, but they will seem like no big deal, you tell yourself you overreacted. That the good times outwieghed the bad.

We ended up back together, even got remarried. She promised it would never happen again, that she loved me and only wanted me in her life. Which lasted for a while. The thing I had to realise, the thing you have to realise, is people dont change unless they really want to. A mutual friend told you she hasn't really dated and misses you, I heard the same thing.

You have to be smart about this. You have to take "feeling" out of it. When it comes to matters of the heart, fellings will get you in trouble. I would never say ignore how you feel, how you feel is important, but doing the SMART thing is more important. You have kids, they have already been through mom and dad splitting up. You don't want them to go through it again and its up to you to protect them.

I know people on here will think its stupid, but what has helped me is getting back into church. It has helped me more than anything else. I have even met someone from the church who shares my values and beliefs.

I feel like i am rambling so I will finish this. Use your brain not your heart. Do you really believe that things will be different? And i mean believe with your head, not just your heart.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Getting into the church isn't stupid. It's not for me but that doesn't mean that the comfort YOU derive from it is a bad thing.
 
Bones

Bones

not to be a dick, and nothing on the OP, but this kind of shit is why I stay single and enjoy being single!

Jiarn nothing on ya buddy, your an adult what you do is your business, but I can't help but feel I am avoiding a ton of bad shit by just keeping myself busy with my work, and I don't think there is any love lost in the fairer sex in my choosing to stay out of the fish pond.
 
LittleSin

LittleSin

Jiarn, I'm wondering, are you comfortable being on you own?

I have a lot of friends that jump from relationship to relationship with out any real pauses because it make them feel better about themselves. It makes them feel worth something...but when they are alone they believe themselves unlovable.

I'm just curious.
 
J

Jiarn

Chippy, fair enough. You didn't, so there it is.

wikkid, we broke up because I began a "grass is greener" state of mind about 5yrs into the relationship. I began taking her for granted and would barely pay much attention to her. I also didn't respond to her inquiries if we were ever getting married. The problem was never with her, it was with me. It took being on my own for a good near solid year to really carry myself (I've always managed to do well for my kids, especially since the split with their biological mother 9 years ago) but learning to love and care for myself was hard, and because of it, I couldn't find that lasting happiness in my relationships after my ex. I was finally in a good place when I met my recent ex, which sadly had to end because of my mixed emotions.

Granted my ex was not without fault, she got so tired of waiting for me to come around, she began distancing herself from me as well. Going out with friends at suspicious hours. Never home toward the end (going to school, work, friends). When I finally got my act together with her and started doing all the things she wanted, she was already "shut off" to the idea of working things out anymore.

If I get back with my long term ex, and if it works, it'll be because I've really changed and I'm ready to give her everything she deserves. Now granted, the way she left me was pretty cold and nearly unforgiveable, but even the nicest people can be pushed to it....

LittleSin, I think I may have answered your question above, if not I'll happy to elaborate.

Bones, I don't blame you sometimes, it can be rough and have it's downsides, but in the end I wouldn't trade the happiness I do get out of it for the lack of headaches.
 
Espy

Espy

You know, my heart goes out to you and your kids and your ex(s) because it sounds like its a bunch of folks who need love and are trying to figure out how best to get it.
That being said, maybe LilSin is on to something. Maybe not rushing right into the next relationship, with whomever it might be with, is a good step. Take it slow with your ex. Learn to be single for a bit? I've known a lot of folks that did that and it turned out to be really healthy (and maybe it can help you avoid the kind of unfortunate thing Null described there, and really, don't we all want to avoid that?).

Either way, I hope things work out for everyone, especially any kids involved.
 
Jay

Jay

What can I say beyond the fact that you'll regret things even worse in a few months? Nothing. However, take this with a grain of salt...

There's a reason why things didn't work the first time around. Missing her isn't an excuse. The children missing her isn't an excuse.... it was a crutch and you fell for it. You never really took a break, you kept your bridges open all along and went at it half-heartedly. The fact the way you described the title of this thread speaks volumes about your internal conflict.

I'm happy I'm not in your shoes.
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

I think you hop around with this stuff in far too much emotional flux considering your kids' involvement.

That said, as Dave said, at least you didn't string your girlfriend along under false circumstances.
 
strawman

strawman

LittleSin and Espy are mirroring the thoughts I had after reading your post. Take a solid year off. Visit for the kids - it's obvious there is an important relationship there that you two can keep alive.

But spend time alone - don't jump into a new relationship with her or another person for awhile. Hang out with your kids, your friends, and yourself.

If, after a long period of introspection, you find you still have feelings with her, don't jump in - start slowly, as though you're starting all over again. It's easy to drop back into old habits, but ideally both of you will have changed, and as long as you carefully take the time to get to know the new yous then you may find that the old and busted habits that tore at your relationship before won't be present.

If you do this, even if only for several months, it's going to be hard, but if you think that you want a good relationship with your ex, I think it's necessary to take a step back and start with a truly clean slate.
 
J

Jiarn

Again, just to touch on the subject that keeps coming up: I'm not getting back with her right now. I'm taking some time to re-evaluate everything that's happened. I didn't break up with my recent girlfriend to jump into things with my ex. I broke up with her because it wouldn't have been fair to her to string her along. If I were to consider things with my ex, there would be a hard 6 months forced on us anyway as she finishes up school 5hrs away from where I currently live. We would be on phone call/email/text terms with visits maybe twice a month for that period of time.

Just thought I'd clear things up.

Also, I was single for nearly 7 months when I met the girl I recently broke up with. I wasn't "hopping around". To Null and Jay I appreciate all opinions, positive as well as negative and trust me, they are valid points. The only thing I know, is that in my mind and heart, I believe that I won't mess things up this time around.
 
W

wikked

Takes a big man to admit his inadequacies and take steps to correct them. I wish you happiness however things turn out.
 
LittleSin

LittleSin

I don't think he's admitting his inadequacies. He's justifying himself.

I feel that he's using the forum as a way to clear his conscience, gain pity and to justify his decisicons to himself.

I find this annoying. I don't believe I'm the only one.
 
Null

Null

LittleSin said:
I don't think he's admitting his inadequacies. He's justifying himself.

I feel that he's using the forum as a way to clear his conscience, gain pity and to justify his decisicons to himself.

I find this annoying. I don't believe I'm the only one.
Click to expand...
I agree with this 100%.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top