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so... the missus and I got separated about a month ago. She is buying out my share of the house (hopefully) and I will use that to make a downpayment on a little condo in downtown dc. I get the kids on the weekends.

Stuck here living in the basement until Aug. 20th.

25% of me is miserable, the other 75% is kind of elated that I finally got out. I was in "ready to chew my own leg off to get out" mode. So there was hormonal and stressed out me twelve years ago, and then stressed out and repressed me, and now I get to see grown up unstressed out me in a month or so. Hope it's an improvement. Hope i get there before going absolutely nuts.

Man... sorry to hear that. Don't go nuts man, you still got your whole life ahead of you and some awesome kids who love you and need you. Focus on them. And really, I'm sorry to hear that crap you are going through.

Good luck, Zonker. *hug* We're here for ya. (For what that's worth.)

Feel your pain, my friend. Stay strong!

Hugs for you and all/any other soon-to-be free men in this place. When one door closes, another door opens and hits her on the ass on the way out.

So I end up wondering:

Why did these women commit to these relationships in the first place? True Love? Convience? Settled? Mutual Benefit? Oops you knocked me up?

Take me for example, there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I could just suddenly "love" my GF. The kind that I always hear about: The kind that makes you want to be with that person always, marry them, raise a family with them, be their support through thick and thin and... I just can't. I'll stare at her, and try really hard to have those feelings and it always comes back empty.

She wants "more" with us. Marriage, family, etc. I tell her "someday", but in reality I mean "never". I just can't make myself feel that way for her, even though I have EVERY reason to. So I keep delaying the "commitment".

So my point is, why did "they" if they're just gonna fuck it up down the road or are they just cases of "fell out of love" kind of bullshit?

good luck

Shegokigo said:

Take me for example, there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I could just suddenly "love" my GF.

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At the risk of spouting self-help type bullshit, one of the most interesting bits of advice I ever got was to treat the word love as a verb (and not the dirty kind). If you want to love somebody, you treat them as if it were the truth. Not just tolerating them either, or being comfortable and satisfied being around them. You treat them as if they truly are the most important thing to you. You think about things you can do to make them happy, even if it feels unnatural.

Blech. Even if it's true, that's hard to read. I should stick to jokes about dogs dying in deviant sexual acts.

Lots of reasons.

Some people commit because they genuinely want it and think that they can make it through anything. Sometimes that just breaks down, and there's no way you could have forseen it.

Sometimes it's too soon, someone is committing to make someone else happy, etc etc. But you can't always see that it's going to go wrong. Sometimes people commit really early in their lives and changes take place that you never saw coming, or they're so into this person that they put aside their ambitions, thinking there might be time later. It's a lot of responsibility and a big change, so I've heard. Maybe some people take that lightly. I've never been in the situation, so I'm just going off what I suppose and what I see.

I am going to spout something I learn from my psych class (I minor in it when I got my BS and hopefully going to get my master someday and ph.d in it)

Some got into it cause it feels right at the time. People in general are a "group" type of animal. You don't see many loners out there. Human race NEEDS interaction on a regular basis. It what help us grow and hopefully make us better people.

personal opinion
Why settle down? cause people hate to be alone. As a person gets older, he/she starts to think about being alone in the future. There is this thing call "circle of influence" (CoI) that shrinks as you get older. What is CoI? Basically when we were younger, we have a larger pool of people to interact with "new blood" so to speak. When you go from elementary, Jr. high, High school, and College, your CoI increases. Of course some social group keep your CoI stable but it all depends on YOUR interaction. When you were in college (or in college) you usually can meet up random people without trying too hard. You meet them in your class, you meet them at lunch/breaks, you meet them in social outing. This increase your CoI. Your CoI shrinks when you get a job after college. Your people interaction are limited to your co-workers. This can be a good and bad thing (depending where you work) of course then it rely on YOU to really go out and make friends instead of "randomly" meet people. some is easy for them, for some it is hard as heck.

to me, CoI usually work in-person type but also can work on the Internet. It depends how much interaction you have with those people. This forum is a good place to "sustain" friends in your CoI. Why am I talking about this/

It brings down to your "chance" to find a mate really. (my term mate means life partner. It doesn't have to be opposite sex) A person you feel comfortable with, want to spend your life with, and sometimes is the most important to you (making that person happy) as your CoI shrinks, your chance to meet your partner also shrinks. sure there are services and such that "gear" toward that, but it is a toss up really.

Love... I think a lot of people have some "misconception" of what love really is. some of us like the idea from the "movie love" but it is more than that. It is being there for someone and they are there for you in return. Your life partner usually will be with you regardless of anything going on with your life. You can share your intimate details with him/her and be comfortable about it.

I guess this is kinda my long wind version of why people "seek" to settle down early or late in life. Of course other circumstance may bring two people together.

Knocked up.
"just click"
financial dependency
stability
there are tons of other stuff that could cause people to "hook up"

(I hope I made some sense I try to type this on the fly at work)

Hm, well: I'm not knocked up, we don't "click", I do rely on her finances and her stability.... so then I'm in "love"? :bush:

No, he just listed that as another reason why people commit.

Cajungal said:

No, he just listed that as another reason why people commit.

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So what's the "right" reason to commit? The one that creates those 50yr anniversary relationships?

I think the biggest reason I wish I could "feel that way" for my GF is because I felt it for someonelse once (the one I never told) and if I could just feel that way for my GF I think things would be alot easier to deal with. Commiting for life at that point, doesn't seem like a hard decision to me.

Shegokigo said:

Cajungal said:

No, he just listed that as another reason why people commit.

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So what's the "right" reason to commit? The one that creates those 50yr anniversary relationships?

I think the biggest reason I wish I could "feel that way" for my GF is because I felt it for someonelse once (the one I never told) and if I could just feel that way for my GF I think things would be alot easier to deal with. Commiting for life at that point, doesn't seem like a hard decision to me.

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Funny thing is that there isn't really a "right" way... not a universal way really.

I mean some people commit cause (this is what I call them)

"They feel guilty" - this category can range from: "I spend X time with this person, I should settle down with this person" "I have known this person for a long time and it would be great to settle" "I got this person pregnant, I should be responsible and marry" "This person has been a good friend and always been there for me, but hasn't found his/her partner. I should fill in that cause we mesh great" now some of those reason can be good or bad depending on the person.

"Cause it is there" - "This person has a stable job, good person, and financially stable. I should be with this person so I would have a good future." "I hate being alone" "I dated so many losers before and I finally found a nice guy/gal. I should stay with this person" "What are my chances to find something better? I better settle now" "I'm getting old, I don't want to die alone" again... some can be good and bad it all depend on the person.

Impulses - This is an intersting one. I see many of these happening. Some turn out good, some turn out... well.. not so good. "I got drunk and we got hitch" "OMG, We totally click after couple of dates, lets settle." "It is fate that we meet and be together forever" (I fall under this category. I met my wife at an Anime convention. We clicked. years later we dated (I did date her bestfriend before cause I was stupid) after she came to Texas and now we are married for 4 years now. She and I click in many ways but also have our differences. like any couple, we do fight once in a while, but always made up and nothing that would cause our breakup. Communication is the key in our relationship. We talk about everything and keep an open channel.)


I don't know the intimate details between your gf and you Shego. You are happy where you are now and it is up to you two on where to go. We (as in everyone else) can give "advice" but the decision is ultimately up to you and your partner.

Chibibar said:

I don't know the intimate details between your gf and you Shego. You are happy where you are now and it is up to you two on where to go. We (as in everyone else) can give "advice" but the decision is ultimately up to you and your partner.

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Well, that or you need to share your intimate details.

You know, so we can help. :uhhuh:

Fun Size said:

Chibibar said:

I don't know the intimate details between your gf and you Shego. You are happy where you are now and it is up to you two on where to go. We (as in everyone else) can give "advice" but the decision is ultimately up to you and your partner.

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Well, that or you need to share your intimate details.

You know, so we can help. :uhhuh:

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People who share the intimate details of their relationships are nothing more than attention whores looking for their next fix. :smug:

Chibibar said:

Love... I think a lot of people have some "misconception" of what love really is. some of us like the idea from the "movie love" but it is more than that. It is being there for someone and they are there for you in return. Your life partner usually will be with you regardless of anything going on with your life. You can share your intimate details with him/her and be comfortable about it.

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I think you hit on an important point here. Many people think of love and they picture the head over heels, swept away romantic kind of love. Hardly any one thinks about how important intimacy is in a long term committed relationship. Intimacy, too, is another term that often gets wrongly defined. Many times it is thought of as the sexual part of a relationship. While sex is an intimate act, there is much more to being truly intimate with your partner. I feel that intimacy goes hand in hand with many other factors (such as respect, security, open communication, attraction, etc.) which can make or break a relationship.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_N3CK-6CHk:cz40dfcx][/youtube:cz40dfcx]

Shegokigo said:

So what's the "right" reason to commit? The one that creates those 50yr anniversary relationships?

Click to expand...

I'm only coming up on 2 years, but for me it was pretty clear. I never ever planned on or wanted to get married -- I wasn't against it, I just never saw myself as the marrying type. But after Mr. ZM and I fell in love and became best friends, I felt like this was now something I wanted, to be with him for the rest of my life.

That was my signal to myself that it was the "right" thing to do, because no other human (starting with my parents) had ever made me think about how great it would be to be with someone for the rest of my life. Especially coming directly after a relationship where he wanted to marry me but I didn't even want us living together...and I loved the guy!

That's exactly it. I come home, I see her and say to myself "I should love this girl. She loves me, she gives me everything I could want, we may not be compatible on almost any level but she's an amazing catch.... if I could just give a damn."

ZenMonkey said:

Shegokigo said:

So what's the "right" reason to commit? The one that creates those 50yr anniversary relationships?

Click to expand...

I'm only coming up on 2 years, but for me it was pretty clear. I never ever planned on or wanted to get married -- I wasn't against it, I just never saw myself as the marrying type. But after Mr. ZM and I fell in love and became best friends, I felt like this was now something I wanted, to be with him for the rest of my life.

That was my signal to myself that it was the "right" thing to do, because no other human (starting with my parents) had ever made me think about how great it would be to be with someone for the rest of my life. Especially coming directly after a relationship where he wanted to marry me but I didn't even want us living together...and I loved the guy!

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^-agree

This is my personal view on the matter.

Sex is a bonus. Or some might consider an additional benefits but never ever the main course Why? cause there are time when you just can't have it (period, injuries and such) I think the chemistry or the bond you have with each other is strong (most people will know it when it happen) that no matter what you do with each other.... it is a memorable and fun event. I mean my wife and I can sit on the couch and just enjoy each other company while watching TV or play a game, or just sitting there and reading our books (different books)

My wife and I practically are together almost 24/7. We work at the same place (she is about 50 feet away from me) we eat lunch together, sleep in the same bed, go to work in the same car (we only have 1 car but that besides the point ) we shop together..... and after 4 years of marriage and 8 years together...... still enjoy each other time.

I can see us sitting as old farts on a patio swing looking at kids run by our house and point to the weird looking wrinkle Asian guy

Also, as far as the realities of marriage, our relationship got tested a lot, mostly due to two factors: the fact that we're both stubborn as hell, and all my health issues that started up right around when we got together.

By the time we got married we had already been through so much that it was clear we could face serious problems together. And the first year of our marriage had several (health, financial, all the stuff that often kills relationships)...but we've only grown closer because of it.

Shegokigo said:

That's exactly it. I come home, I see her and say to myself "I should love this girl. She loves me, she gives me everything I could want, we may not be compatible on almost any level but she's an amazing catch.... if I could just give a damn."

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You can't force it. I've never known anyone who could just think logically about that and then magically love someone. :\ I've often thought about all the guys I've known, and how many I've met who were just as smart and funny and generous as mine. But they're not him. I can't put my finger on it, because there are plenty of good men with wonderful qualities and interests/goals similar to mine that might be happy to treat me well. But I don't believe I'd have a friendship with them the way I do with Jake. It's a lot of little feelings like that, for me, that I have no control over. I'll let myself be vulnerable--something I hate to do--because I want him to know my heart. Anyway, I'm rambling... >.< He just left a few hours ago and I'm still all light-feeling.

I have to echo a lot of what's been said. Love is a verb much more than anything else. I can't tell you the number of couples I have seen who have "fallen" out of love "fall" back into it by each person working to love the other person more than themselves. It's amazing what happens when two people put aside their own personal happiness and selfishness and focus on the other persons. Usually, not always mind you, they end up much happier than when they were more concerned about themselves.
It's not a fix all though. Everyone is different but I've seen it work more times than not during counseling.
I also have to say, I think a lot of people mistake infatuation with love.
That wears off after time and then people think they "fell out of love" when instead they just stopped being excited by the other person.

^Definitely agree here. It makes you want to put someone before yourself, and to stay around even though things aren't necessarily as exciting as they used to be. If someone leaves because "it got stale" or "they fell out of love," there's a good chance that real love didn't have much to do with it.

I look at my parents--neither of whom would be called "romantics"--and know that I got to grow up in a home where true love exists. They'd do absolutely anything for each other. Sometimes they're not thrilled about it, but they genuinely want to help and support the other, no matter what. They've worked hard, and it hasn't always been great, but they refuse to stop caring or stop trying every day.

I have alot to say to all these responses, but I realize this isn't my thread. It's Zonker's and I've derailed it enough.

Yeah... sorry Zonker. Keep us posted on how things are going, ok?

Zonker said:

so... the missus and I got separated about a month ago. She is buying out my share of the house (hopefully) and I will use that to make a downpayment on a little condo in downtown dc. I get the kids on the weekends.

Stuck here living in the basement until Aug. 20th.

25% of me is miserable, the other 75% is kind of elated that I finally got out. I was in "ready to chew my own leg off to get out" mode. So there was hormonal and stressed out me twelve years ago, and then stressed out and repressed me, and now I get to see grown up unstressed out me in a month or so. Hope it's an improvement. Hope i get there before going absolutely nuts.

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back to original thread

I'm glad as long you are happy. I think that is the important thing here. don't be depress. Look forward in seeing your kids. Help them grow. I think the main key thing I learn from family psych that let the kids KNOW it is NOT their fault. Let them know you love them and want to spend time with them. Be there for them (that is allow by your agreement with and your ex, don't try to break the agreement cause that just turn out bad. If you are allow to see them anytime then be there for their special event even if it is just a spelling bee, choir or even major like a play.)

Kids have a VERY active imagination and will think of a lot of things. Sure you can tell them a few time that is not their fault, but until they believe it themselves, they will still think that

Always look at the bright side of things and look forward, it is not really worth to see the "bad stuff" in people cause no one else is looking at it but you.

Ed talked in his thread about some things he'd like to pursue again, depending on what happens. Is there any ambition you've been holding back on that maybe you could do now?

It's ok, hijack all you want, I'm reading it all with interest.

Oh yeah, I'm going to keep djing and I can go clubbing now when I couldn't before. I'll be singing in the temple choir more. And I think I'll take up dating again.

Good luck, Zonker. It sounds like this is going to be something for the best in your life if 75% of you is "elated" that you have gotten out. It may be hard to think positively about divorce sometimes, but if you have been that unhappy then this could be a good thing for you.

Zonker said:

And I think I'll take up dating again.

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You let your marriage get in the way of your dating? Poor guy :slywink:

Yeah, moving into the new place finally tomorrow.

Disconnected the subwoofer in preparation and then sat down to do a mix and goddam, I have no frickin idea what's going on with the bass. Argh.

DC is such a nice place to be single. I'm starting to actually like the place. Actually have to decide which club to go to tomorrow because there's more than one playing music I like, weird. Only possible because the new place is about 30 minutes closer to all the nightlife and I don't have to worry (1) about getting there on time (cover is free before 11) and (2) catching the last metro home, cause I can take a cab if absolutely necessary.

Zonker said:

Yeah, moving into the new place finally tomorrow.

Disconnected the subwoofer in preparation and then sat down to do a mix and goddam, I have no frickin idea what's going on with the bass. Argh.

DC is such a nice place to be single. I'm starting to actually like the place. Actually have to decide which club to go to tomorrow because there's more than one playing music I like, weird. Only possible because the new place is about 30 minutes closer to all the nightlife and I don't have to worry (1) about getting there on time (cover is free before 11) and (2) catching the last metro home, cause I can take a cab if absolutely necessary.

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Wait until tomorrow afternoon and call Rob Carson (afternoon DJ at 107.something). Tell him Dave Nihsen says "Hi!" We graduated high school together.

Heh, there are these bike messenger dudes living in the house next to me. I saw one sitting on his front porch and thought I'd be neighborly and introduce myself. Hilarity ensures.

Me: Hey, do you live here?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: I just moved into the condo over there!
Guy: Over where?
Me: There *points*
Guy: Someone moved in over there?
Me: Yeah, I did.
Guy: Huh.
Me: *waves* Hi! My name's Stefan!
Guy: *looks at me blankly* yeah, sorry, *mumbles* can't stay to talk right now.

Me: *about 30 minutes later realizing Guy was stoned out of his gourd*