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In my time as a literary critic I have learned a few things about poetry. You are lucky to have one such as I to offer up my abundant knowledge of the subject, form, and strict rules of writing a good poem. I have several rules that you must follow to be successful. First, always rhyme. What is a poem that doesn’t rhyme? It’s choppy prose. You shouldn’t hide your rhyme either, make it as blatantly obvious as possible. If you can’t think of anything to write I highly advise writing about writing. Writer’s block is an extremely interesting concept due to the fact that it’s so incredibly rare. Your struggles to find the right words to put down on the page are most intriguing and perhaps even warrant several poems. Do complain about the muses being fruitless in your poetic endeavor, and always remember to use buzz words such as “Soul”, “Heart”, and “Darkness”. But don’t be sad, nobody likes a sad poet. Everything must be happy, how else will you get your poem on a Hallmark greeting card? As with every form of writing the goal should always be to get published on folded cardstock with sentiments such as, “One year free of the big bad C!” That is sure to cheer up your cancer-surviving friends and bring a smile to their faces. If you’re unsure of what to write about, having already written about writers who are writing about writer’s block, it’s best to write about cats. Cats are God’s gift to those who love things that are cute and fluffy. Be sure to reference rainbows and gumdrops and ponies and unicorns and fluffy pink clouds, otherwise your poem might as well be just another scrap at the bottom of the rubbish bin. Make sure to refer to yourself as a poet as often as possible. All the better if you use “air quotes” to emphasize the word itself. It makes you seem credible, refined, and altogether poetic. Is your poetry poetic enough? If you write about love you have to make me cry. If I have not cried you are not doing your job right. Before writing any poem you must ask yourself if it will change the world. If you come up with a negative you’re just not trying hard enough. If you are currently writing a poem I highly recommend that you insert the word “Soul” somewhere into it immediately, if you have not done so already. The soul is such a unique and calming subject in poetry that to not use it would be nearly abusive to the concept of writing. Once you have finished writing about your soul and your cat, do fit in as much socio-economic political rhetoric as possible into the last five lines. Have you created an award winning poem yet? Remember to crack out your best metaphors and flash those pearly similes. Do not exclude anybody from your subject matter, because exclusion makes people sad and the only emotion welcome in poetry is happiness and love and butterflies and candy floss and grandma’s cinnamon rolls and angels and rainbows, in that order. All poems should include everybody. I think that I have given you a pretty thorough guide on how to write poetry that will please everybody, and your soul and your cat. Are you aware of the great power of parentheses? Have you centered your text? All poetry must be centered, otherwise how will people recognize it as poetry at all? Your poetry should be inspiring, it should save lives, make the sun shine brighter, bring a smile to the face of an orphaned child. Are you ready yet?

Pardon any typos, this is the first draft.

amusing.

Try using "Enter" from time to time. Usually after making a point. And before starting on the next train of thought.

Part of the idea of this was that it was just one long paragraph, no line breaks, etc. It is a prose poem that completely breaks the form rules that it sets forth. In print it is also justified in its alignment, which makes it a very formidable-looking bit of prose poetry. The idea behind that is to make it seem important and intimidating, while actually being a useless pile of loosely connected ideas.

If it doesn't have the effect that I intended I'll add in line breaks. Is it too distracting as is?

Amorous Eyes said:

I can't even begin to try and read that.

Click to expand...

Hahaha, I don't blame you.

I think it loses the point in that it doesn't read serious at all when put in as a large wall o' text. The formatting is very distracting and actually takes away from the words therein.

I like the message and how it gets very sarcastically to the heart of bad poetry, but I think if it's written almost as if it were serious (i.e. correct formatting, grammar, etc.) then the ridiculousness of the text would have more impact.

In fact, I think you should start out giving some serious points that are real and see how far you can take them before they realized that you'd gone from serious to sublime.

The Undeniable Truths that I have Found In my time as a literary critic
I have learned a few things about poetry.
You are lucky to have one such as I
to offer up my abundant knowledge of the subject,
form, and strict rules of writing a good poem.
I have several rules that you must follow to be successful.
First, always rhyme.
What is a poem that doesn’t rhyme? It’s choppy prose.
You shouldn’t hide your rhyme either,
make it as blatantly obvious as possible.

If you can’t think of anything to write
I highly advise writing about writing.
Writer’s block is an extremely interesting concept
due to the fact that it’s so incredibly rare.
Your struggles to find the right words
to put down on the page are most intriguing
and perhaps even warrant several poems.
Do complain about the muses being fruitless
in your poetic endeavor, and always remember
to use buzz words such as “Soul”, “Heart”,
and “Darkness”. But don’t be sad,
nobody likes a sad poet.
Everything must be happy,
how else will you get your poem on a Hallmark greeting card?
As with every form of writing the goal should always be
to get published on folded cardstock with sentiments such as,
“One year free of the big bad C!”
That is sure to cheer up your cancer-surviving friends
and bring a smile to their faces.

If you’re unsure of what to write about,
having already written about writers
who are writing about writer’s block,
it’s best to write about cats.
Cats are God’s gift to those who love
things that are cute and fluffy.
Be sure to reference rainbows
and gumdrops and ponies and unicorns
and fluffy pink clouds,
otherwise your poem might as well be
just another scrap at the bottom of the rubbish bin.
Make sure to refer to yourself as a poet as often as possible.
All the better if you use “air quotes”
to emphasize the word itself. It makes you seem credible,
refined, and altogether poetic.
Is your poetry poetic enough?

If you write about love you have to make me cry.
If I have not cried you are not doing your job right.
Before writing any poem you must ask yourself if it will change the world.
If you come up with a negative
you’re just not trying hard enough.
If you are currently writing a poem I highly recommend
that you insert the word “Soul” somewhere into it immediately,
if you have not done so already.
The soul is such a unique and calming subject in poetry
that to not use it would be nearly abusive to the concept of writing.

Once you have finished writing about your soul and your cat,
do fit in as much socio-economic political rhetoric as possible
into the last five lines. Have you created an award winning poem yet?
Remember to crack out your best metaphors and flash those pearly similes.
Do not exclude anybody from your subject matter,
because exclusion makes people sad
and the only emotion welcome in poetry is happiness
and love and butterflies and candy floss and grandma’s cinnamon rolls
and angels and rainbows, in that order.
All poems should include everybody.

I think that I have given you a pretty thorough guide
on how to write poetry that will please everybody,
and your soul and your cat.
Are you aware of the great power of parentheses?
Have you centered your text?
All poetry must be centered,
otherwise how will people recognize it as poetry at all?
Your poetry should be inspiring,
it should save lives,
make the sun shine brighter,
bring a smile to the face of an orphaned child.

Are you ready yet?

Here is a link to how I formatted the poem in Word. Click here. http://www.gothomo/com/screenshot2.png

---------- Post added at 01:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:45 PM ----------

Dave said:

In fact, I think you should start out giving some serious points that are real and see how far you can take them before they realized that you'd gone from serious to sublime.

Click to expand...

So you're suggesting that I start off giving sound advice and slowly progressing to the insanity that I have?

I like the idea but I'm not sure if it would be perceived well. I could perhaps twist the "real rules" and make them seem absurd.

For instance, the ever present "show, don't tell" advice (probably my biggest problem with writing poetry is that I tell too much). It could be interesting to try justifying only telling.