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Need to vent, and need some advice
#1
Anonymous
Anonymous
Sorry for the mini-novel. Scroll to the end if you want to get the heart of it all.
Some background: My wife and my daughter don't get along. My daughter has a diagnosed condition called Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD). Essentially she has both a short fuse and a bad temper. Starting when she was a toddler she started throwing hellacious fits that would quickly devolve into hitting, screaming, biting, and genuinely frightening behavior. The problem was these "fits" would start over the smallest thing (think "I want to wear my purple shirt, but I wore it yesterday and it's still in the dirty laundry" or simple things like "But I don't want to brush my teeth after breakfast"). And they became so frequent she would do it daily, then multiple times a day, then MANY times a day. We had a shit pediatrician who refused to even consider it a problem with her mental health, so we went 5 years of living with a child who was physically and emotionally abusive over the smallest things every day. My wife got the worst of it, for some reason. She's been stabbed with a pencil, had a shoe thrown at her head, had my daughter threaten to call CPS and tell them that she was driving drunk, kicked in her sprained ankle, and so on. But the worst part is that when my daughter wasn't raging like this, she would be the sweetest kid. And she only raged around people that she felt most comfortable with (i.e. me, my wife, my mother-in-law, and our regular babysitter). Her friends and teachers never saw it (which happens with kids who have DMDD - they tend to be ashamed and work to hide it from others).
Obviously we eventually got a diagnosis, and my daughter is in therapy. She also takes medication to help her with impulse control. The result is that she is still frequently irritated at the smallest things, but she doesn't cross the big red lines anymore (no physical abuse, for example). She argues about everything, or always has an excuse about how her actions aren't really her fault. She can still get really pissy about some things, seemingly out of nowhere. She has problems with remembering basic things (pretty sure that's a symptom of DMDD as well) and it's constantly creating issues at home. The number of times she's lost something, forgotten to do something important at school, or just doesn't act responsible at home is a constant drain. It goes beyond the usual one would expect from a 12 year old.
The other big problem is that my wife is essentially traumatized. So many years of assaults and anger and terrifying events (my daughter once tried to bash down our bedroom door while threatening to kill herself... when she was 5). My wife just can't forgive our daughter. They still argue regularly over everything, and if I'm being honest it usually starts because my wife is always unhappy about something with our daughter. My wife nitpicks now, and my daughter never gets the benefit of the doubt. My wife has even told me this. She talks about counting down the years until our daughter graduates high school and moves away, or she will flat out just say that she hates her. I know it's basically PTSD (I don't know what an actual diagnosis would be - I'm no expert). Before my daughter's DMDD symptoms started they were as close as anyone could be, and for the first year or two after my daughter stated having fits my wife was always sweet, supportive, and sympathetic. But I think it just got beaten out of her (literally). Over time it's turned into a negative resentment about everything my daughter has done (and it really was, and still sometimes is, an emotionally exhausting experience). Unfortunately she won't talk to a therapist about this; I can't explain why. She just doesn't want to, and instead tries to escape it all as much as possible.
--
Our beloved cat is 13 years old. She was recently diagnosed with cancer, and essentially she only has a few more weeks to live. She's losing weight despite the fact that we feed her plenty of food (extra, nowadays). We had already begun to talk about calling the vet to put her to sleep, but the cat was still happy and not in pain. We didn't want to do it too early and felt we could get at least a few more days, if not weeks, of happiness with her. My wife is INCREDIBLY attached to the cat. They bonded immediately when we got her many years ago, and she is a beloved part of my wife's life. She's a part of our family!
My daughter is not the most careful person. She tends to be a little clumsy. And when she was younger, she was a raging monster for part of the time. This means our cat doesn't really like her too much. I remember when we first got our cat, my daughter (who was 4 at the time) started playing too aggressively. Even though we put a stop to it immediately, our cat never seemed to be fully comfortable around our daughter. The loud outbursts and physical aggression towards us didn't seem to help. But the cat never likes it when our daughter picks her up, hardly ever goes near her, and just doesn't seem to be a fan.
Fast forward to this morning. I don't know exactly how it happened, since no one else saw it. All I know is that I heard my daughter yell the cat's name, and then start crying. We rushed out of our upstairs bedroom, and our daughter screamed that the cat "just fell." Our house has 2 stories, and there is a wide railing over an open space above our living room. Somehow our cat, who has managed to jump up and down from railing without ever falling once in the last 8 years, plummeted and hit the hardwood floor below. We ran down to look for her, but she was already doing the defensive "I'm hurt, go away" thing cats do. It took some coaxing, but we finally got her to come to us and checked her out. Our kitty doesn't seem to be reacting to pressure when we check her. Nothing seems broken or out of place. But now she won't jump or climb. She walks without a limp, but she's clearly taken some kind of damage from the fall.
My daughter first told us the cat was just walking on the railing, and then just fell. But the story was wonky, and we could tell it wasn't 100% accurate. Eventually she confessed that she quickly picked up the cat, which startled her, and the cat went over the railing in a panic. The cat already wasn't feeling well, and I think she couldn't be her usual agile self. But we knew that! We had told our daughter not to be careless with the cat, and especially not to pick her up near the railing!
My wife is furious. She immediately made it clear to our daughter that she blames her (which is understandable). But our daughter is distraught. She knows she screwed up, there were tears running down her face, and she is obviously feeling guilty. And now it's looking like we may have to put the cat down sooner than we originally planned, even if was already a matter of weeks beforehand.
TL
R My wife and daughter have a very rough history together. My daughter may have accidentally done something that will lead to us having to put our beloved cat down. My wife is hurt and furious, my daughter is guilty and upset.
Part of me just needed to vent. It was a tense, unpleasant morning. But here's where I need advice:
Am I wrong to try to rein in my wife? I've been trying to get her to go a bit easier on our daughter, because she already feels terrible and I don't want to add to it. But my wife is so upset and feels like this is just the latest in a series of events where our daughter was being careless and not listening to us. And our daughter did initially lie to us. And the consequence is serious. To my wife's credit she didn't call our daughter names, or swear at her, and say anything cruel. She's just not hiding her anger and disappointment at all. Is she justified? I don't want to make either one the "bad guy" but I also don't want to disregard anyone's feelings.
How can I convince my wife to talk to a professional about how's she's feeling? All this blame and resentment she feels towards our daughter is not healthy. I've asked her directly, but she doesn't like the idea of therapy and she always finds an excuse ("When would I have the time?" for example). I love her, and I just want her to feel better. I worry about her mental health as much as our daughter's.
What can I do for both of them? I feel like I'm trying to hold these two together before the damage is irreparable. But I also feel like it's a losing battle for me. They keep being mad at each other, taking turns being antagonistic or assuming the worst in each other. I don't know what I'm doing or how to help them actually talk and listen.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really don't know what to do. It feels like there's no winning here and I hate that feeling.
Some background: My wife and my daughter don't get along. My daughter has a diagnosed condition called Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD). Essentially she has both a short fuse and a bad temper. Starting when she was a toddler she started throwing hellacious fits that would quickly devolve into hitting, screaming, biting, and genuinely frightening behavior. The problem was these "fits" would start over the smallest thing (think "I want to wear my purple shirt, but I wore it yesterday and it's still in the dirty laundry" or simple things like "But I don't want to brush my teeth after breakfast"). And they became so frequent she would do it daily, then multiple times a day, then MANY times a day. We had a shit pediatrician who refused to even consider it a problem with her mental health, so we went 5 years of living with a child who was physically and emotionally abusive over the smallest things every day. My wife got the worst of it, for some reason. She's been stabbed with a pencil, had a shoe thrown at her head, had my daughter threaten to call CPS and tell them that she was driving drunk, kicked in her sprained ankle, and so on. But the worst part is that when my daughter wasn't raging like this, she would be the sweetest kid. And she only raged around people that she felt most comfortable with (i.e. me, my wife, my mother-in-law, and our regular babysitter). Her friends and teachers never saw it (which happens with kids who have DMDD - they tend to be ashamed and work to hide it from others).
Obviously we eventually got a diagnosis, and my daughter is in therapy. She also takes medication to help her with impulse control. The result is that she is still frequently irritated at the smallest things, but she doesn't cross the big red lines anymore (no physical abuse, for example). She argues about everything, or always has an excuse about how her actions aren't really her fault. She can still get really pissy about some things, seemingly out of nowhere. She has problems with remembering basic things (pretty sure that's a symptom of DMDD as well) and it's constantly creating issues at home. The number of times she's lost something, forgotten to do something important at school, or just doesn't act responsible at home is a constant drain. It goes beyond the usual one would expect from a 12 year old.
The other big problem is that my wife is essentially traumatized. So many years of assaults and anger and terrifying events (my daughter once tried to bash down our bedroom door while threatening to kill herself... when she was 5). My wife just can't forgive our daughter. They still argue regularly over everything, and if I'm being honest it usually starts because my wife is always unhappy about something with our daughter. My wife nitpicks now, and my daughter never gets the benefit of the doubt. My wife has even told me this. She talks about counting down the years until our daughter graduates high school and moves away, or she will flat out just say that she hates her. I know it's basically PTSD (I don't know what an actual diagnosis would be - I'm no expert). Before my daughter's DMDD symptoms started they were as close as anyone could be, and for the first year or two after my daughter stated having fits my wife was always sweet, supportive, and sympathetic. But I think it just got beaten out of her (literally). Over time it's turned into a negative resentment about everything my daughter has done (and it really was, and still sometimes is, an emotionally exhausting experience). Unfortunately she won't talk to a therapist about this; I can't explain why. She just doesn't want to, and instead tries to escape it all as much as possible.
--
Our beloved cat is 13 years old. She was recently diagnosed with cancer, and essentially she only has a few more weeks to live. She's losing weight despite the fact that we feed her plenty of food (extra, nowadays). We had already begun to talk about calling the vet to put her to sleep, but the cat was still happy and not in pain. We didn't want to do it too early and felt we could get at least a few more days, if not weeks, of happiness with her. My wife is INCREDIBLY attached to the cat. They bonded immediately when we got her many years ago, and she is a beloved part of my wife's life. She's a part of our family!
My daughter is not the most careful person. She tends to be a little clumsy. And when she was younger, she was a raging monster for part of the time. This means our cat doesn't really like her too much. I remember when we first got our cat, my daughter (who was 4 at the time) started playing too aggressively. Even though we put a stop to it immediately, our cat never seemed to be fully comfortable around our daughter. The loud outbursts and physical aggression towards us didn't seem to help. But the cat never likes it when our daughter picks her up, hardly ever goes near her, and just doesn't seem to be a fan.
Fast forward to this morning. I don't know exactly how it happened, since no one else saw it. All I know is that I heard my daughter yell the cat's name, and then start crying. We rushed out of our upstairs bedroom, and our daughter screamed that the cat "just fell." Our house has 2 stories, and there is a wide railing over an open space above our living room. Somehow our cat, who has managed to jump up and down from railing without ever falling once in the last 8 years, plummeted and hit the hardwood floor below. We ran down to look for her, but she was already doing the defensive "I'm hurt, go away" thing cats do. It took some coaxing, but we finally got her to come to us and checked her out. Our kitty doesn't seem to be reacting to pressure when we check her. Nothing seems broken or out of place. But now she won't jump or climb. She walks without a limp, but she's clearly taken some kind of damage from the fall.
My daughter first told us the cat was just walking on the railing, and then just fell. But the story was wonky, and we could tell it wasn't 100% accurate. Eventually she confessed that she quickly picked up the cat, which startled her, and the cat went over the railing in a panic. The cat already wasn't feeling well, and I think she couldn't be her usual agile self. But we knew that! We had told our daughter not to be careless with the cat, and especially not to pick her up near the railing!
My wife is furious. She immediately made it clear to our daughter that she blames her (which is understandable). But our daughter is distraught. She knows she screwed up, there were tears running down her face, and she is obviously feeling guilty. And now it's looking like we may have to put the cat down sooner than we originally planned, even if was already a matter of weeks beforehand.
TL
R My wife and daughter have a very rough history together. My daughter may have accidentally done something that will lead to us having to put our beloved cat down. My wife is hurt and furious, my daughter is guilty and upset.Part of me just needed to vent. It was a tense, unpleasant morning. But here's where I need advice:
Am I wrong to try to rein in my wife? I've been trying to get her to go a bit easier on our daughter, because she already feels terrible and I don't want to add to it. But my wife is so upset and feels like this is just the latest in a series of events where our daughter was being careless and not listening to us. And our daughter did initially lie to us. And the consequence is serious. To my wife's credit she didn't call our daughter names, or swear at her, and say anything cruel. She's just not hiding her anger and disappointment at all. Is she justified? I don't want to make either one the "bad guy" but I also don't want to disregard anyone's feelings.
How can I convince my wife to talk to a professional about how's she's feeling? All this blame and resentment she feels towards our daughter is not healthy. I've asked her directly, but she doesn't like the idea of therapy and she always finds an excuse ("When would I have the time?" for example). I love her, and I just want her to feel better. I worry about her mental health as much as our daughter's.
What can I do for both of them? I feel like I'm trying to hold these two together before the damage is irreparable. But I also feel like it's a losing battle for me. They keep being mad at each other, taking turns being antagonistic or assuming the worst in each other. I don't know what I'm doing or how to help them actually talk and listen.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really don't know what to do. It feels like there's no winning here and I hate that feeling.
#2
Cog
Cog
#3
Celt Z
Celt Z
#4
phil
phil
#5
Bubble181
Bubble181