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New Story Published Online!
#2
Dave
Dave
I like it. There's a lot more to that world, though. Will there be more set in that universe?
#3
ThatNickGuy
ThatNickGuy
Maybe. *shifty eyes*
I may just be working on a novel.
I may just be working on a novel.
#4
Iaculus
Iaculus
Will give it a look in a while. Mein Gott, but I've got a lot of stuff to read through for people.
#5
Rob King
Rob King
That was excellent. I'd be excited to read more.
#6
RealBigNuke
RealBigNuke
Very well written. The fantasy bits do a great job of leaving you wanting to know about the rest of the setting.
#7
Alex B.
Alex B.
It's good! I think I might have swapped the last two paragraphs, though.
I like the name "Integrity City." I'm still stumped on what to call my superhero metropolis.
I like the name "Integrity City." I'm still stumped on what to call my superhero metropolis.
#8
Iaculus
Iaculus
Finally got round to it. A couple of notes:
(1)
Putting an injured soldier in somewhere as filthy as the inside of that tank should be immediately obvious as a horribly bad idea to an experienced medic. If nothing else, a one-sentence lampshading might be in order, perhaps pointing out that there was nowhere better to rest him, or that it had the advantage of being bulletproof.
(3)
(4)
(1)
Don't really like this sentence. Makes it seem like the protagonist's more concerned about his patient's appearance than health. Possible alternative:If I don’t calm him down soon, his heart is going to beat out every drop of blood and he’ll be paler than Death.
(2)If I don’t calm him down soon, his heart is going to beat out every drop of blood. There are worse ways to die, I know, but frankly, I'd prefer we avoided that altogether.
Putting an injured soldier in somewhere as filthy as the inside of that tank should be immediately obvious as a horribly bad idea to an experienced medic. If nothing else, a one-sentence lampshading might be in order, perhaps pointing out that there was nowhere better to rest him, or that it had the advantage of being bulletproof.
(3)
Typo. Should be an 'I' at the start of that, not an 'it'.It told him a lot of my own adventures protecting the city or travelling the world, like the time I was blinded by some sand thrown in my eyes.
(4)
Would work better as a last sentence to a prologue, unless that's what this is. Even then, it's pretty heavy-handed foreshadowing. Possible alternative, giving the story a bit more closure:I used to be a great hero. One of the first, I believe; the first to wear a costume, anyway. But I grew up in an age where heroes were just the ones that survived a war. I survived longer than maybe I should have. I feel my time is almost at its end.
Other than that, good and tightly-written. Reminds me a little of the Dresden Files, though maybe that's just me. Would be nice to see some more from this 'verse.I used to be a great hero. One of the first, I believe; the first to wear a costume, anyway. But I grew up in an age where heroes were just the ones that survived a war. I survived longer than maybe I should have. It only seems fair to spread the favour around a little, when I can.
#9
ThatNickGuy
ThatNickGuy
Yeah, I don't think I re-read through this one with a red pen like I've been doing with a lot of my work, especially short stories, lately. Did it recently with a short story where I re-worked the ending completely. The editing I did for it? There were so many pencil marks, I could barely see the story, anymore.
Another thing I'm starting to do more is have friends look at the story before I send it anywhere. It gets a second eye at it, questions phrases or story elements that I hadn't considered, etc.
As for the blood loss statement, it's not meant to be his appearance. If they lose enough blood, they'll be paler than Death. As in, you know, dead. Ugh, looking back at it, I want to fix that sentence, now. Too late!
Anyway, thanks for the feedback, man. Maybe I'll send you a story or two for harsh editing sometime. And thank so much for all the positive feedback, guys. I'm thinking of writing more short stories within this universe, to flesh out Integrity City and St. Mignola further, before tackling it head-on with the novel I'm working on.
Another thing I'm starting to do more is have friends look at the story before I send it anywhere. It gets a second eye at it, questions phrases or story elements that I hadn't considered, etc.
As for the blood loss statement, it's not meant to be his appearance. If they lose enough blood, they'll be paler than Death. As in, you know, dead. Ugh, looking back at it, I want to fix that sentence, now. Too late!
Anyway, thanks for the feedback, man. Maybe I'll send you a story or two for harsh editing sometime. And thank so much for all the positive feedback, guys. I'm thinking of writing more short stories within this universe, to flesh out Integrity City and St. Mignola further, before tackling it head-on with the novel I'm working on.
#10
Iaculus
I'd be happy to help if you ever need it - seem to be doing quite a bit of that these days, in addition to my own work on the ever-expanding Doorstop.
Iaculus
Yeah, I figured out what that sentence was supposed to mean, but it still felt too ambiguous.Yeah, I don't think I re-read through this one with a red pen like I've been doing with a lot of my work, especially short stories, lately. Did it recently with a short story where I re-worked the ending completely. The editing I did for it? There were so many pencil marks, I could barely see the story, anymore.
Another thing I'm starting to do more is have friends look at the story before I send it anywhere. It gets a second eye at it, questions phrases or story elements that I hadn't considered, etc.
As for the blood loss statement, it's not meant to be his appearance. If they lose enough blood, they'll be paler than Death. As in, you know, dead. Ugh, looking back at it, I want to fix that sentence, now. Too late!
Anyway, thanks for the feedback, man. Maybe I'll send you a story or two for harsh editing sometime. And thank so much for all the positive feedback, guys. I'm thinking of writing more short stories within this universe, to flesh out Integrity City and St. Mignola further, before tackling it head-on with the novel I'm working on.
I'd be happy to help if you ever need it - seem to be doing quite a bit of that these days, in addition to my own work on the ever-expanding Doorstop.
#11
Deschain
I know very little about this world but it seems quite interesting. In the beginning it seems like a world quite identical our own, but hints are dropped that there is far more than meets the eye.
Deschain
If the revolver is your standard revolver, the way the bullets would have removed would be the extractor attached to the cylinder would be pushed back, ejecting all the bullets at once. It is difficult to pull the bullets of a revolver out one by one because they are a tight fit. As for spinning the chamber, it would make it quite difficult to extract the bullets as the extractor is now spinning as well so when you pushed it back, the bullets would fly everywhere.The punk considers this for a moment before handing the gun over to me. It’s a simple six-shooter. I spin the chamber slowly, dropping each bullet onto the floor, then stuff the gun into my pocket. “Good,” I tell him. “Now sit down.”
I know very little about this world but it seems quite interesting. In the beginning it seems like a world quite identical our own, but hints are dropped that there is far more than meets the eye.
#12
ThatNickGuy
ThatNickGuy
Crap, yeah, I know nothing about guns. 
Never even held one.
Never even held one.
#13
Deschain
Deschain
Yea, that's no problem. Just wanted to let you know so no one else would point that out. It makes for a cool scene, but unless you explain that this is a special revolver that can eject bullets one at a time, they might think you don't know your firearms.
He could always push the extractor and catch the bullets somehow to put them in his coat. Normally you would let the shells fall out because your other hand is holding the gun, but he's not trying to engage any targets.
He could always push the extractor and catch the bullets somehow to put them in his coat. Normally you would let the shells fall out because your other hand is holding the gun, but he's not trying to engage any targets.
#14
drawn_inward
drawn_inward
I liked it a lot TNG. I could visualize everything. Nice work!
#15
Green_Lantern
Green_Lantern
Wow, you post this a month a go! need to catch up with this sub-forum
#16
ThatNickGuy
ThatNickGuy
I just had something of a realization when I wrote about my history of writing on a LiveJournal community:
In just this year, alone, I'm going to have four - FOUR! - short stories published in three different places (two stories published in Thousand Faces). The first was earlier this year, in The Country Connection (my first and so far only paid work), then Thousand Faces.
Now, finally, my short story about my battle with Depression, The Never Ending Battle, is being published in Open Mind's Quarterly. It'll be out in a few short weeks.
Could it be that I'm...an actual writer?
In just this year, alone, I'm going to have four - FOUR! - short stories published in three different places (two stories published in Thousand Faces). The first was earlier this year, in The Country Connection (my first and so far only paid work), then Thousand Faces.
Now, finally, my short story about my battle with Depression, The Never Ending Battle, is being published in Open Mind's Quarterly. It'll be out in a few short weeks.
Could it be that I'm...an actual writer?
#17
phil
You're doing better than me and everyone else in any creative writing class I've ever taken....except for the teachers of course. But honestly I like this better than half of Prof. Miles' crap anyway.
phil
I just had something of a realization when I wrote about my history of writing on a LiveJournal community:
In just this year, alone, I'm going to have four - FOUR! - short stories published in three different places (two stories published in Thousand Faces). The first was earlier this year, in The Country Connection (my first and so far only paid work), then Thousand Faces.
Now, finally, my short story about my battle with Depression, The Never Ending Battle, is being published in Open Mind's Quarterly. It'll be out in a few short weeks.
Could it be that I'm...an actual writer?
You're doing better than me and everyone else in any creative writing class I've ever taken....except for the teachers of course. But honestly I like this better than half of Prof. Miles' crap anyway.
#18
Bowielee
Bowielee
My goal is to finish my novella and have it published by the time I graduate. My writing teacher has been a great resource. She has alreay suggested several places to be published online, but I really want to see my work in print on paper in an actual publication.
Any suggestions from the all knowing board?
Any suggestions from the all knowing board?
#19
Rob King
He's got a degree, done research, had a paper published, had research teams from the university essentially headhunt him (the good kind!). I long for the day I can say something like that with such confidence.
Hopefully I take my first step toward that tomorrow. A local newspaper has put out a call for new editorialists. I've got to cut fifty words from my submission/application to get it to the desired length, and then that motherfucker is submitted!
Keep us posted!
Rob King
Cheers to you! I have a friend, and every so often he just stops and goes 'Woah. Rob. I'm a scientist!'I just had something of a realization when I wrote about my history of writing on a LiveJournal community:
In just this year, alone, I'm going to have four - FOUR! - short stories published in three different places (two stories published in Thousand Faces). The first was earlier this year, in The Country Connection (my first and so far only paid work), then Thousand Faces.
Now, finally, my short story about my battle with Depression, The Never Ending Battle, is being published in Open Mind's Quarterly. It'll be out in a few short weeks.
Could it be that I'm...an actual writer?
He's got a degree, done research, had a paper published, had research teams from the university essentially headhunt him (the good kind!). I long for the day I can say something like that with such confidence.
Hopefully I take my first step toward that tomorrow. A local newspaper has put out a call for new editorialists. I've got to cut fifty words from my submission/application to get it to the desired length, and then that motherfucker is submitted!
Keep us posted!