Okay, this time it's an advice question for Dave.

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Dave

Dave

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My brother has discovered Facebook. Yes, he's a bit behind the times, but I'm one of the first people he sent out a friend request to, which frankly surprises me.

For those of you who do not know, my brother and I have always had an uneasy to tumultuous relationship that has at times bordered (and crossed!) illegal activities. Like his selling of my car when I was out of town and a few other goodies that I won't go into at this point.

But that friend request...

Does it mean anything? Could it be his way of reaching out? I have already accepted it and am planning on treating him with respect, but I've never really liked the guy as a person. The things he's done to his kids, his wives and his family overall just gets to me. His only son is fucked up and (last I heard) borderline psychotic with real issues about women. I'm not sure I can forgive that. I can get past the drug use, the fact that he's the Golden Child to my parents and the fact that he's always been the type of guy that things just go right for - even as he's been a total jerk.

But again, we were both young. I can't have been as "high road" as I remember.

I'm conflicted. On the one hand it would be nice to finally put something like this behind me but on the other hand if I put myself out there and he hasn't changed it'll all come back in spades. All the hatred, loathing and disdain will affect me again as it has in the past and I don't like that.

So. What should I do? Remain cautiously optimistic? Give him a chance? Or should I take a risk on the chance that he's finally mellowed out & become a better person?
 
Hylian

Hylian

Maybe he just needs one more friend on Farmville in order to buy the next Farm upgrade.




But in all seriousness you know your brother more than we do. I want to say be optimistic but I know there are some people who have hurt me and I would rather never talk to them again. But than again family is very important and I tend to give Family more chances than I would give to others. But as I said you know him more than we do.
 
C

Chibibar

Heh. Finally a topic I can relate ;)

Well my wife and her mother has similar relation issue like you and your brother. My wife accepts a friend invitation to her mom just to keep an eye on her. Even if her mom keep "berate" my wife from time to time. I personally refuse friend request from her (3 times now) So far all she post are cryptic message that has nothing to do with the topic that my wife post at hands.

My wife adds her but remain cautious of stuff and keep an eye on her activities ;) maybe you should do the same.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
It's just facebook, so it might not do anything to yall's relationship. You could ignore him on your wall if you wanted. Who knows, maybe he'll use it to contact you or catch up; maybe he just did it because y'all are family. You never really have to contact him through it. Just play it cool, and if he ever contacts you, go from there.
 
L

LordRavage

It seems that the real question is do you want start new with him?

You should test the waters. Hang out together for a few hours. Catch up and see if anything is changed. If not, atleast you spent a little time with him.

I am in the same boat with my mother and sisters. It seems every few years i test the water again to see if we can be around each other. We normally get a few hours before their crazy side starts to show. Then I go a year or two before I am talking to them again. I figured they would have gotten the hint by now...but they can be bit slow when it comes to other peoples feelings.

Do you spend alot of time on Facebook? Do you think he will harass you on what you write? How important are your friends on facebook? You know him better then any of us, go with your gut.

In the end...He is family....but your not married to him. A few hours of catching up is not much in the grand scheme of things.

(My two cents.)
 
phil

phil

Cautiously optimistic.

A few years ago, after my grandmother passed away my Dad and Uncle started hanging out more. It's nice to see them getting along and actually having some fun around one another. My uncle and dad never really had any falling out like you and your brother seem to have had but it's not like they were really all that close either.

The chance to put some bad blood behind you and enjoy your family outweighs any real risk you'd encounter in just dropping him a line on Facebook. You can always block him and cut him off again.


Plus I mean he'll probably forget he has it in a month or two.
 
Morphine

Morphine

I think brothers & sisters ALWAYS deserve 2nd, 3rd or as many chances as needed. But that's just me.
Giving someone a chance doesn't mean you have to be all close and bff's, if someone is just not a positive force in your life, you don't need to have them constantly there but having a respectful relationship and forgiving is always good.
 
W

Wasabi Poptart

Dave - Your situation sounds very familiar, minus Facebook. My dad and his youngest brother have had a very tumultuous relationship. For years, when my Uncle Chris would get out of jail and start coming around the family again my dad would threaten to shoot him if he came onto our property. Chris has been in and out of jail for as long as I can remember. When he wasn't in jail, he was slinking around trying to get money out of people in our family.
In recent years, my dad has seen both of my maternal grandparents die as well as many of my mom's aunts and uncles (he was close to my mom's family and his parents had both passed away quite a while ago). He and Mom both have had health scares. Getting older and realizing his mortality softened him a little to my uncle. About 4 or 5 years ago, they met and had a civil conversation. Granted, they don't keep in touch regularly, but at least my dad is willing to let the guy set foot on the property now.

You know what your brother is like. I say go with your gut feeling on whether you want contact with him. Do you think he might try to say something to your kids or your wife? Do you think he'd bother with Halforums? Those might be things to consider if you are keeping him as a Facebook friend.
 
M

makare

my mom has been pretty estranged from her sister for the last ten years and the sister asked to be friends. I felt sick about it because the whole ordeal from years ago really hurt my mom and I didn't want her to be hurt again. It mostly resulted in nothing. It was just a friend request although they have been talking more than they were before.
 
M

Matt²

Do what I do on Facebook - be yourself. Say what you want without hiding or holding back. Maybe start nice, then express your feelings. If he unfriends you, no great loss.

But then again, I don't have the best family in the world either.

[/Stanley mode]
 
Covar

Covar

Continue to use Facebook as normal. As a general rule with Facebook you shouldn't bother posting anything on there you don't want to get out to the public (or your friends and family). Let your brother come to you. If he wants to get back in good graces with you he will make the effort, if not he won't. No point being the one to initiate it.
 
tegid

tegid

I am seriously at a loss on how you should react towards your brother, but I know one thing: this friend request is probably nothing. Even if there is some kind of motivation like what you said, most probably he didn't look for you specifically but instead facebook suggested the friendship...
 
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