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Parenting Opinions
#1
grub
grub
So my sister in-law and her boyfriend think that they know a bit about raising kids even though they have none themselves just from watching other people. Opinions please. Is there any way to make them understand that they don't even know what they don't know.
#2
Chippy
Chippy
#3
makare
makare
I am someone without kids so that's where my point of view is coming from just as a disclaimer. I think it is perfectly fine for people who do not have kids to share things they've seen or experiences they've had. But it should never get to the authoritative point where they say you have to do this or this is the only way.
actually now that i think about it even people with kids should probably avoid that because they may have kids but they don't have your kids and that makes a difference.
i guess to summarize sharing information is good, personal experiences are better.
actually now that i think about it even people with kids should probably avoid that because they may have kids but they don't have your kids and that makes a difference.
i guess to summarize sharing information is good, personal experiences are better.
#4
bhamv3
bhamv3
Red Auerbach never played a day of professional basketball in his life, and yet was one of the greatest NBA coaches ever.
Lionel Logue did not have to overcome a stammer himself, and had no medical training, but was able to cure King George VI's stammer.
Similarly, people can become childcare experts without having children themselves.
So I don't think "not having children" is always a disqualifier when it comes to childcare advice. It depends on the individuals. If you don't like the advice your sister in law and her boyfriend are giving you, it should be because it's bad advice, rather than because they don't have children themselves. "Not having children" can be the cause of the "bad advice," of course, but childless people can still sometimes give good advice.
Lionel Logue did not have to overcome a stammer himself, and had no medical training, but was able to cure King George VI's stammer.
Similarly, people can become childcare experts without having children themselves.
So I don't think "not having children" is always a disqualifier when it comes to childcare advice. It depends on the individuals. If you don't like the advice your sister in law and her boyfriend are giving you, it should be because it's bad advice, rather than because they don't have children themselves. "Not having children" can be the cause of the "bad advice," of course, but childless people can still sometimes give good advice.
#5
strawman
But this is a silly question - "ever" is an extreme that can be readily disproven with a single instance of a non-child-having person giving good advice to a bad parent.
You have, in my experience, two options, and this goes for any parenting advice from anyone, not just people without kids:
1. Engage them. Tell them what experiences you have had that lead you to act the way you do, and the circumstances surrounding the issue so they understand that your current course of action is appropriate for the child and situation in question. Note that this will often turn into a longer discussion where they pick apart everything you say and tell you what's wrong with your perspective, understanding, or plan. It can get very distracting because they will flip from perceived problem to perceived problem without sticking to the one issue they brought up in the first place. This demonstrates that they really aren't interested in helping you, but in figuring out parenting - this is actually one mode of learning. By nit-picking what other people are doing, they are actually integrating your knowledge and experience into their memory. It's not a great way of learning since it's so frustrating for the "teacher" but you tend to learn a lot because you force someone to defend themselves, and you quickly get to the core reasons behind their actions.
2. Be polite, listen, and don't respond. "Why are you letting him eat paste? I've read that in some cases that indicates mental instability. Have you taken him to a psychologist?" Yeah, it's annoying to have someone question your parenting skills, but it's relatively easy to defuse them. "Really? Huh. I guess I'll have to look into it. The paste is non toxic." Then go back to what you were doing or talking about before.
Note that once you had kids you probably talked about them non-stop to the kidless couples, so it's only fair that they do so as well. In fact, during your initial parenting experience they probably saw that the only way they could engage your attention for any length of time is by discussing your kids. They are now trained to discuss your kids, but there's not much to talk about except how your raising them. Just changing the subject will often be enough, because they'd probably rather talk about something other than your kids, if you gave them a topic.
I'll usually do a little bit of one, then once I've given a basic explanation, move on to two to get them to stop harping on it. This works even for parents who second-guess your efforts. We have a close friend who had a girl as her first child, and by then we had two boys. Her girl was sweet, quiet, and easy to engage in reading, coloring, and other quiet activities. Our boys were rough and tumble types tearing around the house at (toddler) breakneck speed. She only had them over once, and then wouldn't come out and say it, but pretty much implied that we must be doing something wrong since her child was obviously more well behaved than our children. We pretty much ignored it, and she eventually had a boy. She later told us she had no idea that some kids just come that way. She later had a girl who was also pretty active, and she's much, much more laid back about letting the kids be kids, and will more often say, "Wow, that seems like a tough situation" than "Have you tried X, Y, or Z?"
You simply have to ignore some comments and responses.
Every time they give child raising advice, change the subject to when they are getting married and/or having kids of their own.
Every. Single. Time.
They'll stop eventually.
strawman
Pretty good chance that they were kids once, and that they've observed a lot of parenting throughout their lives. Further, being outside your current "world" they may be able to be somewhat more objective about your situation than you could be. Having two different perspectives is often better than having only one, even if the one is closer to the situation.Should people without kids ever give parenting advice?
But this is a silly question - "ever" is an extreme that can be readily disproven with a single instance of a non-child-having person giving good advice to a bad parent.
"I used to have 7 opinions about raising children. Now I have seven children and no opinions." often applies. They will shut up once they have kids, and until then they'll be insufferable know-it-alls.So my sister in-law and her boyfriend think that they know a bit about raising kids even though they have none themselves just from watching other people.
You have, in my experience, two options, and this goes for any parenting advice from anyone, not just people without kids:
1. Engage them. Tell them what experiences you have had that lead you to act the way you do, and the circumstances surrounding the issue so they understand that your current course of action is appropriate for the child and situation in question. Note that this will often turn into a longer discussion where they pick apart everything you say and tell you what's wrong with your perspective, understanding, or plan. It can get very distracting because they will flip from perceived problem to perceived problem without sticking to the one issue they brought up in the first place. This demonstrates that they really aren't interested in helping you, but in figuring out parenting - this is actually one mode of learning. By nit-picking what other people are doing, they are actually integrating your knowledge and experience into their memory. It's not a great way of learning since it's so frustrating for the "teacher" but you tend to learn a lot because you force someone to defend themselves, and you quickly get to the core reasons behind their actions.
2. Be polite, listen, and don't respond. "Why are you letting him eat paste? I've read that in some cases that indicates mental instability. Have you taken him to a psychologist?" Yeah, it's annoying to have someone question your parenting skills, but it's relatively easy to defuse them. "Really? Huh. I guess I'll have to look into it. The paste is non toxic." Then go back to what you were doing or talking about before.
Note that once you had kids you probably talked about them non-stop to the kidless couples, so it's only fair that they do so as well. In fact, during your initial parenting experience they probably saw that the only way they could engage your attention for any length of time is by discussing your kids. They are now trained to discuss your kids, but there's not much to talk about except how your raising them. Just changing the subject will often be enough, because they'd probably rather talk about something other than your kids, if you gave them a topic.
I'll usually do a little bit of one, then once I've given a basic explanation, move on to two to get them to stop harping on it. This works even for parents who second-guess your efforts. We have a close friend who had a girl as her first child, and by then we had two boys. Her girl was sweet, quiet, and easy to engage in reading, coloring, and other quiet activities. Our boys were rough and tumble types tearing around the house at (toddler) breakneck speed. She only had them over once, and then wouldn't come out and say it, but pretty much implied that we must be doing something wrong since her child was obviously more well behaved than our children. We pretty much ignored it, and she eventually had a boy. She later told us she had no idea that some kids just come that way. She later had a girl who was also pretty active, and she's much, much more laid back about letting the kids be kids, and will more often say, "Wow, that seems like a tough situation" than "Have you tried X, Y, or Z?"
You simply have to ignore some comments and responses.
Opinions please. Is there any way to make them understand that they don't even know what they don't know.
Every time they give child raising advice, change the subject to when they are getting married and/or having kids of their own.
Every. Single. Time.
They'll stop eventually.
#6
Bowielee
Bowielee
It depends on the situation.
I have no kids, but if I knew someone who thought that beating their child was a viable parenting option, I'd offer my opinion before directly calling social services.
The saying "it takes a village to raise a child" was coined for a reason. Not all parents are good partents simply by virtue of having children.
I have no kids, but if I knew someone who thought that beating their child was a viable parenting option, I'd offer my opinion before directly calling social services.
The saying "it takes a village to raise a child" was coined for a reason. Not all parents are good partents simply by virtue of having children.
#7
fade
fade
I don't like unsolicited parenting advice from anyone, especially people WITH kids. If I ask for it, sure. Or maybe if the advisor showed some humility, but that has almost NEVER happened. Nearly without fail, the advice comes out as, "This is the way you should do it FULL STOP."
#8
sixpackshaker
sixpackshaker
It is like when people with badly behaved dogs try to tell my how to raise mine...
YOU CAN NOT HAVE AND OPINION ON DOG REARING, YOU USE A FLEXI-LEASH!!!
YOU CAN NOT HAVE AND OPINION ON DOG REARING, YOU USE A FLEXI-LEASH!!!
#9
SeraRelm
SeraRelm
I know plenty of people with kids who are fucking morons. If the advice is good, use it.
#10
HCGLNS
HCGLNS
I listen to all advice when it is given. There's little harm in hearing other peoples opinions.
#11
Allen who is Quiet
SIMILES?!
Allen who is Quiet
>=OIt is like when people with badly behaved dogs try to tell my how to raise mine...
YOU CAN NOT HAVE AND OPINION ON DOG REARING, YOU USE A FLEXI-LEASH!!!
SIMILES?!
#12
checkeredhat
checkeredhat
How I see this thread:
#13
sixpackshaker
sixpackshaker
Tina Fey can flip my table any time...
#14
Espy
Espy
Unsolicited advice from anyone is annoying. Very annoying. Of course that in no way means the advice is wrong. Just annoying.
However I think context is king. If it's at a restaurant and some random person starts giving you parenting advice that would be severely annoying and I would venture to say they should probably keep their mouths shut. Even if they have kids.
If it's a discussion on a forum or you ask a parenting question on Facebook or something then the idea that people can't contribute even if they haven't had the exact life experience being discussed is pretty stupid.
However I think context is king. If it's at a restaurant and some random person starts giving you parenting advice that would be severely annoying and I would venture to say they should probably keep their mouths shut. Even if they have kids.
If it's a discussion on a forum or you ask a parenting question on Facebook or something then the idea that people can't contribute even if they haven't had the exact life experience being discussed is pretty stupid.
#15
strawman
strawman
We were at a Joe's crab shack a few months ago with our six boys and someone went out of their way to congratulate us on how well behaved our kids were and how much fun it looked like we were having.
I had to keep the collars on low shock to remind the kids not to jump up and down in excitement for the compliment, of course, but unsolicited compliments are always more welcome than unsolicited advice.
I had to keep the collars on low shock to remind the kids not to jump up and down in excitement for the compliment, of course, but unsolicited compliments are always more welcome than unsolicited advice.
#16
Cajungal
Cajungal
Echoing the thing about unsolicited advice being annoying, especially if it's really holier-than-thou. I have a lot of opinions about how to work with kids because of my job, but I wouldn't impose those opinions on someone unless they asked me. My sister's asked my advice sometimes, mainly about brain development--what she can and cannot expect from a child my niece's age. She can get a lot of that from books, but I guess she just wants to hear it from a person who's studied it as well. It's hard giving advice to parents even if they ask, because there's always the fear that they're going to be insulted.