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As some of you know from the dating thread, I met an amazing girl. I won't go into that. What I will go into, is that in the past week, almost in the same amount of time that I have known this girl, my ex and I have been in contact with each other.

About 2 weeks before I met this new girl, I had a conversation with my ex, trying to get that finalzed confirmation that there was no chance for reconsiliation. She informed me at the time that she had moved on, though not with anyone in particular and was happy. So I took that as my sign to finally let her go and move on. Hence I met new girl.

From that day on, we'd talk off and on every couple of days or so, she's been in a really bad place since splitting up with me and she admits to me, that she told me she moved on only because she wanted me to be able to let her go and be happy. Now I come to find, over the course of the week, she's very regretful and wishes we had been the people we are now, then. Because as she says "Things would have never ended between us".

I do believe that, had I been the person I've become since splitting up with her, she would have had no reason to leave. Had she been the person she says she is now, I would have been more motivated to better myself.

So now, I know I shouldn't be, but I'm being torn up inside. I have this amazing new relationship, one that I've never experienced before. Someone who gets me, inside and out, who loves my kids as much as she feels for me. Thinks of me constantly and can't stop talking about me. Which is exactly what I do about her. She's made me whole and shows me that there is true happiness in this world.

Yet here I am, talking with my ex, killing myself over the fact that we'd be celebrating 8yrs together, and be finalizing plans to be married in June had we never split up, and possibly have the chance to bring that back together...

Apparantly I still love her, I still miss her and I miss my son (step-son), and I miss what we had and what could have been had we just tried a little harder.

I don't want to mess up my life again, I just don't know which one would do that... New girl could easily make me happy for the rest of my life, I can already see that potential in her. Ex could easily take it all away again. So why am I in the least bit conflicted? I got my closure, I accept the fact that we did have many many years together, but that alone can't possibly be what's causing all this confusion.... right?

It's hard letting go of someone you have shared so much with. There's a huge emotional investment and it gets especially hard when you have a general good after relation with her.

However, start thinking about the girl you met. I think time will help you out the most here and being with someone new is a great new experience and I think you're smart enough not to ruin a good thing. However, it's not fair to her if you keep close tabs on your ex (keeping your options open).

Personally, I'd take a break from her for awhile, talking to her every 2-3 days is not helping either one of you.

I'm not keeping my options open, I honestly wanted to just be friends and be a distant part of her and her son's life. I thought I could handle that, but the things she's telling me now, is what's causing the problem.

I think stopping the talks is also a good idea. New girl also knows I speak with her and the biological mother of my childre, who I actually am able to have just a "Friends with a history" relationship with, I've been up front with new girl about EVERYTHING.

Now I come to find, over the course of the week, she's very regretful and wishes we had been the people we are now, then. Because as she says "Things would have never ended between us".

I do believe that, had I been the person I've become since splitting up with her, she would have had no reason to leave. Had she been the person she says she is now, I would have been more motivated to better myself.

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You regret it, she regrets it, but you both must agree that without it neither of you would have changed in the ways that were necessary. Therefore it's pointless revisiting it and wishing things were different - even if you two could go back in time and change the experience that separated you, it wouldn't have helped because you both needed to change.

It's in the past, leave it there. Let her know that her new self will be able to find someone just as you have found someone, and she will be better off with someone else now that she has changed. The thing is that if the two of you got together again, the same old patterns and habits would re-emerge, and you may, in fact, regress emotionally.

It hurts ... and it's time to move on.

I concur with Jay, a pause in communications with your ex is what you should do. It's not an easy thing, being "friends with history", I know that from personal experience. And some people aren't just cut out for it. Plus, I gather that that your ex has some... issues? I won't ask and you don't need to tell, but having been in a relationship with an emotionally unstable partner I'll tell you that being her knight in shining armor won't help at all. Like FLP said, you'll likely just regress into the same old rut, repeating the same mistakes you did before... only this time, you also ruin your current relationship with the girl you're with, and brother, she sounds amazing.

It also sounds like you're feeling more than a little guilty about your break-up. That's understandable; you were together for a long time, you were planning to get married, you had children involved. But once more, you can't build a relationship on guilt, being with her just because you feel like you should be with her. That definitely won't last. Of course, I may be reading too much into your posts, but this is the vibe I get.

Don't ruin your future by trying to re-live the past, Jiarn.

North_Ranger, those words hit me like a (good) ton of bricks. Thank you.

Jay and Puffin, I know what you're saying, it's basically echoing what's already going on in my head, which is what's bothering me. I KNOW what's smart and I KNOW what's not, and yet I'm still conflicted.... though less as I continue reading this thread and realizing my own thoughts in the posts.

Jiarn said:

North_Ranger, those words hit me like a (good) ton of bricks. Thank you.

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You're welcome. I consider you a friend, Jiarn. And sometimes being a friend entails giving the other guy a sharp kick in the tuchus. And it's not about what's smart and what's not; I've seen how you write about this girl, and I'll be damned if I let you ruin a good thing like that because of misplaced nostalgia.

Ask yourself this: do you love your ex, or do you love the idea of what you had together? The latter's not love. It's nostalgia.

Stop talking to the ex. Her feelings may have changed because she knows you found someone new and is now regretting what happened but it's important to move on. It's much healthier.

She wasn't aware that I had found someone when she began talking to me again, so I can rule that out. Though thank you for the advice.

North_Ranger, if I didn't realize we were friends before, I know it now, because only a friend would know exactly how to get my reaction. I know I loved my ex. There was no question. I realized it when I met her because it helped me realize that I never loved the person before her (The mother of my kids), we stayed together simply on the fact that we loved each other, regardless of how "wrong" everythingelse was. So it's not misplaced.

The thing is, I also have very powerful feelings for this new girl, which is noteable on how I talk about her, which you commented on. The question I ask myself is, who would be best for me, for my kids, and for the other person, in the long run. Everything in me tells me "new girl", so then if I'm so sure, then it makes no sense I'm even bothering asking this question in the first place.

You two broke up for a reason. Remember that. I know it's been a long time and I know that there will always be regret and that big "what if" but you know what? That's just life.

Keep in occasional contact if you want to, if only so you can see the kid every now and again, but I would cut down on time spent talking with the ex.

I remember a similar thread not too long ago like this. Didn't y'all agree then that it wouldn't be for the best? It seems to me like she might be playing games for attention.

Now she says she misses you and wishes you were back together. Will she still feel that way in a year when she starts dating again?

We broke up because, the people we were at the time, were not compatible. We've changed (at least I know I have) into a person that could have made her happier. Has she? She says she has, but I have no way of knowing for sure unless I ruin everything I've already worked for.

The split we made, WAS for the best, at the time. Which was proven by how I grew in the time we've been apart. Would getting back together revert us back? Possibly. Am I willing to take that chance? I'm starting to think no, more and more. Would she feel the same if she started dating? Don't know, she's been single for the nearly year we've been apart.

Again, I'm not trying to fight for "her cause" or "us getting back together", I'm just trying to clear a few things up to explain why I'm even conflicted in the first place. But I'm not conflicted, I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know who can give me that for sure.

Well I'm more dwelling on "what could be" if I were to take that path, more than "what could have been if we stayed together".

We all plague ourselves with the possibilities of what could have been, Jiarn. I can definitely understand how strong that emotion must be for you, considering that you and your ex were together for so long. Nostalgia and longing for things lost are powerful forces in the human psyche.

I'm cynical, I know that myself, but I don't really believe in such a thing as a do-over when it comes to relationships. You have changed, sure. She has as well, so you tell us. But you still both carry the baggage of that earlier relationship, and I fear you'll end up repeating history. People don't really change, I believe. They just become more and more like themselves.

No, you're absolutely right. Everyone in this thread has been. I'm setting this straight. New girl is literally the best thing that's ever happened to me. My ex, while a powerful love that carried for many years, is just that. Something I had for years and do not anymore for a reason. Change or not, it would be the same car with a different coat of paint. I have no idea why I questioned this at all.

Everyone has given good advice, so I will just pile on and give not as good advice:

Don't fuck this up; your new girl sounds awesome.

Note: I'm also speaking with friends and family IRL about this as well. They've pretty much echoed the feelings of everyone here so far as well.

I knew it was obvious from the get go, which is why it bothered me THAT it was bothering me. I thought I was stronger than just giving into nostalgic feelings, but aparantly I AM human after all. I'm not sure if I'll continue to try and be my ex's friend or not, but I am for sure setting the "grounds" today. I'm with new girl and I'm happy.

Just to throw my two cents in (even though it sounds like you already are about to make the right decision), I am about to speak from recent personal experience. Just because you and your ex both have grown as people since you were last a couple doesn't mean that you would work out now. Things can change for the better, yes, but there will be some things that may have changed for the worse and some things that SHOULD have changed but didn't. And it's hard and even brutal when you come to that realization, especially if you've had your heart completely set on trying to make it work again.

Dude, this new girl in your life sounds exactly like the kind of person you've been searching for, and you need to be content with that fact. Yes, it's hard to forget the past and what could have been. But trust me, the sooner you learn to leave that behind and move on to the good thing you have now, the happier you'll be. No regrets man, or you'll just keep adding to them.

So nearly 1hr phone call later, she pretty much wasn't listening to my decision. She gave me pushback on every front. She says she understands and only wants my happiness, if I want her to step out of my life for a while she's willing..... then she feeds me a ton of "but I do believe we can make it work now etc etc etc".

So because my lunch break was up, I couldn't put the final word the way I wanted to. Now I'm left needing to finish it up after work. -sigh-

What makes it worse, is that I know she's right in some ways. I do actually believe if we got back together it would end up working out. I do believe that if we really are changed in the ways we needed to be, we could have really become a true family, married and content. The problem is: it's a "maybe". In my life right now? I have: "Absolutely". I can't think of a single reason to give that up for a "maybe".

I can't deny the possible truth, but just to be clear, I'm not dwelling on it. It's not keeping me from making my decision. I've made it. I told her, it's not my fault she's not accepting it.

Is this the point where we contrive a wacky plan to make sure she separates from you? Does it involve making her believe you've taken a vow of silence for 10 years? And hobos? Because hobos should really be involved in wacky hijinks.

Just take one dip and end it.

Stop talking to your ex, knowing that it's a bad thing for both of you, and try to move on. You know this is what you should do, even though you're tempted to do otherwise.

Alternative would be to bang 'em both, which will lead to losing them both, and you being alone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, cheat or get off the pot.

I don't cheat. Never have. Even though I know those responses are jokes I still am pretty set on that.

I'm putting an end to the conversations with my ex, she's just not getting the memo it seems. I told her straight out I felt that was best for everyone. Hasn't stopped the texts.

Only reply to texts that have to do with your shared children. Everything else should be moot.

If there wasn't her child involved, I'd recommend a simple procedure: cut her off and cauterize the wound.

I know this sounds harsh, but sometimes people just can't take a hint.

Don't suck. Keep new girl.

escushion said:

Don't suck. Keep new girl.

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what if keeping new girl requires sucking?

Then suck appropriately.

So looooong conversation with ex later to make sure she understood and accepted my decision (of which she said if I choose new girl, I'd ruin the relationship because I still had feelings for her) I put it to rest.

I said I wanted to still keep her as a friend, she said she'd step out of my life completely if I choose new girl. So I said goodbye and she said good luck.

Situation: Dealt with.
Decision: New Girl makes me feel like life is amazing every minute.

Good for you, man. I know it'll sting for a bit, but you've done the right thing. And if your ex can't deal with it, that's her loss.

Damn. You made the right decision.

Good for you, Jiarn. As for the ex... tough nuts.

Well played sir

*fist pump*

This will all end in hugs, I know it.

It ended on another 2hr phone call last night actually.

She called, again, after I told her at least 3 times in the day that I had made my decision. This final call, was more of an apology from her. Sort of. She kept saying that she just wanted me to be happy, she was sorry that we had apparantly so many opportunities to get back together before I met new girl but due to both our mistakes we didn't and now it was too late. She followed up almost every sentence with "I still feel we could make things work, but you've made your decision" etc etc.

I really didn't want one of my last conversations with her to be so volatile, but I had to put a stop to them. I told her if she couldn't be in my life at all, that I was sorry to hear it but I understood her reasoning. That wasn't the answer she was waiting to hear.

Poor clinging girl. Hopefully she moves on soon.

What makes it worse, is that I know I still love her, I just can't be with her for a multitude of reasons, which I feel partially guilty about being with new girl. It also makes it harder for ex to move on, because she knows it too.

Well, at this point you're only hurting her if you accept her calls and texts. She's cut it off, now enforce that for her. Use caller id, and don't answer. Ignore her texts. Unfortunately as much as you're saying, "No" by answering her calls and chatting with her she's still got hope, and may continue to try.

You're absolutely right, as much as it kills me, it would be in everyone's best interest. -sigh-

Thanks Puffinstuff.