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Please me with words, Win a Prize.

Jun 13, 2012#1

LittleSin

Holy crap. I called Dave a douche canoe and managed to win the MFing Humble Bundle.

The only problem is, believing that douche canoe (while funny) would have no chance against the word smithery of others on this board, the husband and I went ahead and bought it already.

Fuck. The one time I win ANYTHING and I already bought it with REAL MONEY.

So, here's your chance to win it halforums!

Tell me a story. Any kind of story. Fact or fiction or some combination of both. You can even make fun of my long, rambling stories if you like.

Hubby and I will pick a winner by, say, Friday evening so then you can have all weekend to revel in your indie games.

Get to it!

Jun 13, 2012#2

SeraRelm

Don't tell me to please you with words then include your husband in the reading.

Jun 13, 2012#3

LittleSin

Fair enough.

Jun 13, 2012#4

SeraRelm

*Was gonna get all 50 Shades of Halforum up in here...*

Jun 13, 2012#5

PatrThom

It says "Please her with words," not "Pleasure her with words."

--Patrick

Jun 13, 2012#6

Bumble the Boy Wonder

PatrThom said:
"Pleasure her with words."

--Patrick

Why can't Halforums have more threads like that one?

Jun 13, 2012#7

phil

Bumble the Boy Wonder said:
Why can't Halforums have more threads like that one?

Sub forum request: Bumble's house of erotic literature.

Jun 13, 2012#8

ThatNickGuy

LittleSin, you're like a full plate of have mercy with a side order of good gawd!

Jun 13, 2012#9

Jay

You asked for words... so I'll use some old words.... it also happens to be an epic story.

This is long.

I used to go to a public high school where the majority of students were low to middle class Italian origin kids of immigrants (90% +). Tough going to say the least. When I was in high school I used to get bullied by a guy called Renaldo. We had a few scraps, either verbally or fisticuffs over the years. I was always the type of guy who wouldn’t take other people’s shit and while others balked especially once I went through puberty and became one of the tallest, largest guys in school he somehow always managed to give me a hard time. It was a tough time but in a way, I paid my dues early and learnt from a stern father that if people punched you, you punch back and you punch harder and you'll know if they are pussies or not.

As luck would have me, Renaldo ended up in the same college I went to and he always managed to somehow, someway be a little shit to me. What made things worse is that we fell for the same girl, Andrea who eventually became my girlfriend of over 4 years. Everyone knew he had feelings for her and that it killed him she was with me and not him. He always tried to “seduce” her with random calls and emails, being the son of a wealthy father who owned his own construction company, that he had nice cars, lots of money, a bunch of shit that I didn’t have and over the years worked hard to earn coming from a low income family that was having problems making ends meet.

He was a constant issue the first year of my relationship and we had several conflicts where we did some bad shit to eachother that I won’t describe here…. or maybe one day I will. We’ll see.

Years later, after college and shortly after I broke up with Andrea, I received an e-mail from him out of the blue. I never corresponded with him (Facebook didn’t exist back then neither) and he went out and told me in an epic letter which went far too long, swore at me in excess and used bad English (no wonder he never finished college and dropped out). Basically it was a "No one liked me in college and to Fuck off". I haven’t seen him in well over 2 years, nor did we have any real friends in common.

As a way of keeping my cool, nor did I want him to have the satisfaction to get me mad, I never responded to his emails (he sent several). However, I couldn't let his taunting go without consequences.

So I went online and Googled his name. After searching around a bit I easily found a complete profile of him regarding his career, where he worked and what type of work it was. His father passed away recently and he now owned his father's business and had a team of employees working for him. I spied a bit more and hung onto the address of his place of employment for several weeks while I plotted.

One day, I proceeded to go into a local sex shop and I purchased the largest, fattest, floppiest black dildo that I could find along with some KY and I went home, wrote a special note for him and put it along with the big fat black dildo and KY and boxed it in a standard box that couldn’t be traced back to me and sent it priority mail that required for him specifically to sign.

The note read, "Since you have so much time to search out people that never gave a shit about you to begin with, I figured you'd have enough time to go fuck yourself with this!"

Luck is an interesting thing, as it works both ways it seems. For it seems one of our mutual acquaintances dropped me an email a few days later. This aquaintance worked for Renaldo during his "stage" and apparently, the package arrived while they were preparing to head out for a team lunch on a Friday and he was very excited to get the box opened since Renaldo thought it was something he ordered online that he was expecting and would "make it a good weekend" and he opened it in front of a number of co-workers and instead of whatever he ordered he pulls out....a giant black floppy dildo.

Priceless…

Jun 13, 2012#10

HCGLNS

There once was a beautiful red headed hobo who lost her favourite tin can on a beach.

Jun 13, 2012#11

Enresshou

Caution: sad.

It’s cold in the room, Mommy. It’s cold and all I get to wear is a yucky-green smock that matches the yucky-green walls. All the walls are cold. The metal table is cold. The doctor’s fingers are cold as he holds my hand and tells me not to worry.

But I AM worried, mommy; I heard them say that I might not wake up and I’m scared. I don’t want to go away, mommy; I don’t want to leave you behind.

There’s a big clock on the wall, and it says it’s 3:15 in the afternoon. Ms. Loughlin just let class out for the day…Billy and Jeff are probably wrestling just outside the classroom, waiting for their daddies to pick them up so they can go home and eat dinner and do their homework and sleep.

I wish I was there, mommy…I wish I was anywhere but here.

I’m crying, mommy. I promised you I wouldn’t, but I’m crying and I can’t stop.

The doctors are going to give me the medicine now to make me sleep so I don’t feel anything, so you won’t have to worry about me hurting anymore. But mommy, they said they had to take Teddy from me…they had to give him to you…mommy, please, hold him, hold him, and promise me, mommy, promise me if I don’t wake up you’ll keep him for me: he’s going to miss me a lot, and he’ll need someone to hug.

Jun 13, 2012#12

Gusto

BLOOP BLEEP.

Jun 13, 2012#13

ThatNickGuy

Oh, Gusto. :awesome:

Jun 13, 2012#14

Ravenpoe

Susan's breasts heaved like mounds of pumpernickel, knowing what her lover had in mind. His flappy hooties swayed in the light breeze, like forlorn windsocks that had lost their will to be. He whispers in her ear, dirty things, of wanting to see her durr face, and urinating on her cat. Fernando began to play on the radio, their song, and she took this as a sign. It was time. Her passion rose from within her stomach with gusto, the Adam to her Eve, and she began to lick her lips at the thought of their little sin. As her inhibitions fade from her mind, she gives in, opening her eyes wide for the gift he is about to bestow. It will sting like a wasabi poptart, but it is for HIM. As the moment comes, she suddenly flinches, and his shot goes wide, ruining the moment. How droll of an event, but better nate than lever.

Jun 13, 2012#15

Cajungal

Send everybody else home.

Jun 13, 2012#16

Gusto

Boo, fanservice.

Jun 13, 2012#17

ThatNickGuy

Gusto said:
Boo, fanservice.

Eh, some fans are like a flock of sheep.

*Eagerly awaits a table flipping*

Jun 13, 2012#18

Bubble181

ThatNickGuy said:
Eh, some fans are like a flock of sheep.

*Eagerly awaits a table flipping*

Amidoinitrite?

Jun 13, 2012#19

HCGLNS

Long long ago, in a school far far away, I was touched with greatness. The kind of awe inspiring greatness that only comes along once in a silver moon and is cherished for life. This is that story.

Senior year in high school, a typical school but with a few key differences. There were those that came from the city and all their expected cliques, the close knit and territorial students that came from the reserve and the final group of this story, the children with special needs. Now for one reason or another, the program for special needs children held a great deal of respect in the community and in the school itself. While the occasional grief would spring up between jocks, preppies, nerds, stoners, normals and natives as was expected, nobody dared even tell a bad joke about the special needs kids.

It's late spring and the annual talent show is fast approaching, the students are somewhat excited by the expected either lame or moderately interesting acts that would be presented. Sadly word had spread that the strong jock/preppy union was going to have the greatest act the school had ever seen. The other acts had no chance of even winning, so they better make it quick and get off the stage. Everyone with a pulse knew what their great act would be, same as it always is, the jocks lipsyching to a Rolling Stones tune with their shirts off while the preppy girls danced around them. But nobody was worried, Robbie was performing so the jock/preppy juggernaut really stood no chance. Robbie was an excellent street magician and could put on a great show, so the people who knew knew that this was Robbies to lose.

So of course, tragedy strikes, Robbie is out of the show and desperately trying to avoid a suspension for accidentally lighting the stage on fire during rehearsals. The talent show is shaping up to be a groan festival set to fellate the popular kids. You feel the depression in the air.

So on the day of the show, we all flood into the gym and watch the acts. As expected the jocks/preppies belt out a Rolling Stones tune while avoiding essential articles of clothing. The crowd gives them a marginal applause, so they take to the microphone and promote themselves as champions with no need to tally the results as the competition is clearly over and the rest of the acts need not even perform. Now this is taken as a snub, for the final acts are always from the special needs kids. Yes, nobody expects them to win, but we all cheer and reward them for their efforts.

So we watch as the jocks and preppies glad hand everyone in the audience that they consider worth knowing, as Gladys performs some gymnastics. Everyone gives her a warm round of applause, and Petey takes the stage glad in a great rhinestone jumpsuit and a perfect Elvis haircut. The music starts up and he's lipsynching to All Shook Up. Petey is just standing stiff as a board strumming along to the music, then people start mumbling to themselves. The band students are the first to voice their opinions, the piano is off, why is the piano off in a lipsynch? Oh it's Mrs McConnell playing the piano, she just missed a chord is all. Then reality sets in for the crowd, and a wave of recognition sweeps over us.

This isn't a lipsynch. This is Petey from special needs playing his own guitar and singing Elvis Presley.

And he's spot on flawless.

The crowd begins to join the song, we're all singing along with the chorus and emphatically pronouncing the lyrics. Wildness set in, kids are dancing, screaming and loving every minute of the song, hoping that it doesn't end. Everyone realises just how special this performance is, and have all just become immersed in it.

The song ends, and Petey still standing as straight as an arrow ends it with a classic Elvis move. This final piece sends us over the edge, the crowd chants Peteys name for ages, underwear of all sorts is thrown upon the stage, I swear some of it was Ms Coopers and for the first time in it's history the trophy for the talent show went to some one who truly deserved it.

Jun 14, 2012#20

strawman

Asher (6): Gideon, put it BACK!
Gideon (3): No! MUA HA HA! (runs away)

Jun 14, 2012#21

FnordBear

Your Eminence,

The following was found in a charred journal recovered from a warehouse fire in New Orleans on 9 January 2012. The veracity of the claims and the other contents can not be verified, however as per Directive One of the Holy Order of Judas, any and all materials believed to be of this...individual... are to be preserved and given to your inspection.

You will find a translation below in to modern English from the original which seemed to be a pidgin of Latin, Aramaic, Sumerian, Babylonian, and a half-dozen other dead languages. Handwriting analysis has yet to be completed but...I believe this is a genuine artifact.

God be with you.

Father Thomas Abraham, Paladin, Holy Order of Judas

<attachment as follows>

Know then you who read this that I am, as called by myself, Atien. This is but one name of many I have used. I use it now for consistency so that you may know the truth of my words.

I have found him. Despite not having seen evidence of him since the incident on that ill-fated ship the Eldridge, he still lives. I confess I am pleased and horrified that my brother still draws breath. The chase, our conflict, both have gone on so long. To think he survived the experiment, so similar to the one that brought us to where we are now. I can feel us drawing closer. Each setting of the sun heralds one day closer to a reckoning.

The temporal juncture is fast approaching. For he and I, ones who exist outside the local time continuum...it is but a breath away. The twenty-first day. Twelfth month. This year. That is what he predicted ever so long ago. What was carved in stone at his word by our children when they were still young. The date that has ingrained itself in to modern culture but with a significance they do not understand.

All those years ago...when he and I attempted to save this world from the horrors that lay Beyond. We enacted the final sanction. We decreed that it shall end in fire. And so it did. But we two brothers, the architects of the death of the whole of reality were spared. To this day I still know not how or why. Only that I awoke...I awoke so very long ago. To find the world green once more. To find man walking the world again.

So I walked among them. Quietly. Gifting man here with fire. There with language. Elsewhere the bow. Ever so slowly raising the new men of the world to grater heights. Then. Then after so so long I found my brother. Nikolo. He lived still. He two had designs. Where I seek to atone he seeks to undo.

I was driven to sanity by my sin. He driven to madness. He must be stopped. On the day that our timeline synchs with local causality we will be mortal. I will end this once and for all.

-Atien, Last of the Wardens

<end attachment>

Jun 14, 2012#22

LittleSin

Bump!

I'm picking tomorrow! Post more!

Also, can I have some clarification as to whether or not these are original works?

Jun 14, 2012#23

Necronic

Just so's you know,

I could always tell a great story

I'm quite the cunning linguist

Some may say a freaking genious

So if you percieve

That my tongue fits your needs

You just tell me where to blow.

....

Horrible structure. Last line doesn't fit. But I think I can make it work.

Jun 14, 2012#24

Ravenpoe

LittleSin said:
Bump!

I'm picking tomorrow! Post more!

Also, can I have some clarification as to whether or not these are original works?

I'm always original. Bazinga!

Jun 14, 2012#25

Allen who is Quiet

ThatNickGuy said:
Eh, some fans are like a flock of sheep.

*Eagerly awaits a table flipping*

SIMILES?!

eh

Jun 14, 2012#26

ThatNickGuy

Allen who is Quiet said:
SIMILES?!

eh

Jun 14, 2012#27

Chippy

Jun 14, 2012#28

SeraRelm

So this family walks into a talent agents office. A father, a mother, a son, a daughter, and their pet dog. The talent agent looks them over, wondering what they might have in store for him. He asks them what they can do.

The father, the mother, the son, and the daughter all start to take-

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CLICK THIS SPOILER?!?

-proudly says "The Aristocrats!"

Jun 15, 2012#29

LittleSin

I was hoping for a good Aristocats joke!

EDIT: Aristocrats...not cats. Though, that might still be a good joke.

Jun 15, 2012#30

SeraRelm

"eww that sweat."

Jun 15, 2012#31

LittleSin

I'm having trouble with this.

Who who who....

Jun 15, 2012#32

SeraRelm

Jun 15, 2012#33

LittleSin

Gilbert Gottfried probably doesn't have a steam account.

Jun 15, 2012#34

SeraRelm

He might...

Jun 15, 2012#35

Ravenpoe

LittleSin said:
I'm having trouble with this. Who who who....

I could make a suggestion, but I may be biased.

Jun 15, 2012#36

LittleSin

You're beard doesn't even have hands.
Added at: 17:55

SeraRelm said:
He might...

Dear Mr. Gottfried,

I recently had a story telling contest. Someone posted a video of you doing the Aristocrats as a joke but I have decided this should be the winning entry.

Do you have a Steam account to receive your free games?

Thank you.

~LittleSin.

Jun 15, 2012#37

SeraRelm

I'd have voted for Poe's exquisite punmanship.

Jun 15, 2012#38

Ravenpoe

LittleSin said:
You're beard doesn't even have hands.

I... but... WHAT?

I don't even know what this means...

Jun 15, 2012#39

LittleSin

Ravenpoe said:
I... but... WHAT?

I don't even know what this means...

Alas, my joke fell flat.

I should have known it was bad the minute I chuckled at it. No good comes from laughing at your own jokes.

Jun 15, 2012#40

SeraRelm

LittleSin said:
Alas, my joke fell flat.

I should have known it was bad the minute I chuckled at it. Everything good comes from laughing at your own jokes.

If you can't laugh at your own jokes, you're doing it wrong.

Jun 15, 2012#41

LittleSin

Alright guys, I've been sweating over this.

I read the stories a few times to see what left the biggest impact and came up with a grand prize winner and a runner up.

The runner up is Ravenpoe for his forum fluffer fan service. I don't have a game to give you, sir, but I will certainly draw for you!

The winner is Jay. TThis story was funny the first time I read it and every time I've read it since I have been amazed out of fucking ballsy it is.

So, Jay, enjoy your games!

Everyone else: Thanks for entering!

Jun 15, 2012#42

HCGLNS

Jun 15, 2012#43

SeraRelm

LittleSin said:
Everyone else: Thanks for entering!

Jun 16, 2012#44

Jay

LittleSin said:
Everyone else: Thanks for entering!

Jun 16, 2012#45

LittleSin

Wait...something has happened here....

Jun 16, 2012#46

Ravenpoe

It's called I'm awesome. Just relax, it'll be ok.

Jun 16, 2012#47

LittleSin

So, did you want a drawing Ravenpoe?

Jun 16, 2012#48

Ravenpoe

Will you draw me like one of your french girls?

Jun 16, 2012#49

LittleSin

If that's what you want.

Jun 16, 2012#50

Ravenpoe

I'd love a drawing. I leave it as artist's choice, whatever inspires you.

Jun 16, 2012#51

LittleSin

...oh man...I hope you have a good sense of humour.

Jun 16, 2012#52

Ravenpoe

No, I don't at all.

Jun 16, 2012#53

LittleSin

Too bad.

Jun 16, 2012#54

Ravenpoe

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