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Hi peeps. Awhile ago I opened up about my anxiety and depression, because I felt it was important that these topics not be taboo, and that people feel comfortable talking about it as they would any other health issue. I've continued treatment since then and am in a very good place now, and so now wish to begin opening up about other aspects. I'm not entirely certain what the purpose of writing this will be, other than to just share a bit about my life and maybe help give some insight for anyone else that might experience similar, or know someone that experiences similar.


I have a reputation with some people on this board as well as some people in real life as being kinda kinky. And this is true, I've been into BDSM and dom/sub powerplay for a long time, and once upon a time even used to write articles about how to keep these types of relationships safe and healthy. But what I never revealed is that one of the reasons I found this sort of play so stimulating is because I found actual sex to be... well, not.


Even now I find it difficult to describe. I don't dislike sex, I just find it... ok? And this was even before starting antidepressants. Everything functions, I can get an erection, I can orgasm, I just don't find it to be as good as everyone else seems to find it. I'm not asexual, I'm attracted to women, I still like looking at and touching women, and foreplay is tons of fun, but the actual act itself is just... I dunno, I just don't like it.

I hope you've been able to follow that very technical explanation.

This has, of course, lead to problems in relationships. It's been near on a decade now since I've had physical sex with someone. When I was in physical relationships, sex felt more like an obligation than anything else, and this of course will stress a relationship and isn't healthy for anyone. It's probably because of this that my longest relationship was with a lesbian... that's kind of a complicated story, but I still like to joke that she's a very terrible lesbian for having dated me.

Nowadays I don't really date anymore, and I honestly am kinda fine with it. I feel like I should probably be less fine with it but whatreyagonnado? When I would casually date it would always get to a point where she was throwing out some very heavy signals that she wanted to bone down and then I would feel guilty for not having told her about this sooner.


So now this is the beginning of me being open about it. It's not something I'm ashamed of, and so... yeah, that's it.

Honestly, this sounds like Asexuality. You can still like physical contact and be Ace.

I don't think your interests are as uncommon as you think. One of the best lovers I was with would/does describe himself the same way. We never had p-in-v sex, but damn, I always walked away glowing and satisfied.

I think it's a little tricky to navigate, but being upfront about it and finding partners who enjoy it isn't impossible. I know he would attend meet-ups with people with similar interests, but given what you said about your area, I don't know how many would be close to you.

To echo what I believe others are saying, what you are describing does not sound abnormal, just unusual.

—Patrick

PatrThom said:

To echo what I believe others are saying, what you are describing does not sound abnormal, just unusual.

—Patrick

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Unusual but not abnormal was my nickname in highschool!

As for Dei's suggestion that this is asexuality, maybe? Sexuality is a difficult thing to define to begin with, and not fitting within the majority makes it difficult to relate to descriptions made for it, so that could be my reluctance to use that identifier.

So, having looked more into it... Yeah, I guess asexual would be a fitting term for it. Who knew?

Ravenpoe said:

So, having looked more into it... Yeah, I guess asexual would be a fitting term for it. Who knew?

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Probably 40% of tumblr users?
I mean...sure, it's a somewhat flippant reply, but it would hardly be the first time someone here didn't notice something because they were "too close to the issue" and found the counsel of their peers useful.

--Patrick

I dunno if I'd really qualify it as asexual if you're still interested in sex/sexual stuff, but just not in the regular old vanilla variety. Asexuality mostly applies to people who generally have no sexual drive and/or interest at all, doesn't it?
Another question is whether or not you feel bad about a lack of interest in "regular" sex. If you do, it might be worth looking into medical/physical reasons which might cause a lack or loss of interest - while there's nothing wrong with being ace, there's also nothing wrong with actually wanting to be sexual but not feeling it, and there are possible reasons why a sex drive might be low or non-existent.
Anyway, sexual drive and desires are different for each person, and as long as it doesn't involve parties that can't/don't consent, you should never feel guilty or bad about whatever your personal spot is or what label you like to put on it.

Bubble181 said:

I dunno if I'd really qualify it as asexual if you're still interested in sex/sexual stuff, but just not in the regular old vanilla variety. Asexuality mostly applies to people who generally have no sexual drive and/or interest at all, doesn't it?
Another question is whether or not you feel bad about a lack of interest in "regular" sex. If you do, it might be worth looking into medical/physical reasons which might cause a lack or loss of interest - while there's nothing wrong with being ace, there's also nothing wrong with actually wanting to be sexual but not feeling it, and there are possible reasons why a sex drive might be low or non-existent.
Anyway, sexual drive and desires are different for each person, and as long as it doesn't involve parties that can't/don't consent, you should never feel guilty or bad about whatever your personal spot is or what label you like to put on it.

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I appreciate the concern, but I'm not bothered by it, at least not on my own. I have no desire or want to have sex, even if I still like sexy things or ideas, and as said previously I'm still attracted to women. I'd just rather cuddle, or do other stuff... naked board games are really underrated.

It does, however, mean that I don't date a lot anymore. Or at all, really. This isn't a whine, I'm not distraught by lack of dating, it's just how it is and I'm pretty comfortable.

Human sexuality and relationships are complicated... I think that's what all the songs are about.

Nonsense! Sexuality is clear as water crude oil!

But, if you are interested in a relationship, but not in sex at all, then, well, there are specific sites out there for ace relations...I think we have a few aces on the board who might be able to point you in that direction

Then there are the romantic/aromantic identifiers as well. Example: asexual romantic - no overwhelming desire to reach orgasm, but still like cuddling, hugs, non-sexual activities with a partner, etc.

I just saw this now, and I don't have much to add except what probably sounds obvious: you should live as makes you feel right and never have sex you feel pressured into. There are ace people into sex-related activities but not sex itself. There's just a lot of dumb societal pressure to treat sex as The Important Thing.