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I emailed Lily's teacher about a mistake that was made on her homework. I told her teacher that I had helped Lily with her homework and joked that it's a good thing I'm not in grad school for mathematics since even base-10 blocks didn't help me see Lily's answer was wrong. She thanked me for giving Lily help with her homework. Twice.

Is it that unusual to have parents who help their kids with homework? Her reaction just seemed odd to me.

WasabiPoptart said:

I emailed Lily's teacher about a mistake that was made on her homework. I told her teacher that I had helped Lily with her homework and joked that it's a good thing I'm not in grad school for mathematics since even base-10 blocks didn't help me see Lily's answer was wrong. She thanked me for giving Lily help with her homework. Twice.

Is it that unusual to have parents who help their kids with homework? Her reaction just seemed odd to me.

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Wait, you emailed your teacher? And you didn't just accuse him/her of being lazy or incompetent? Mind boggling. Based on the parents of my students, I didn't think that was possible.

I always tell friends that parents are the worst part of the job. I never hear from most of them when a student is struggling. I often email parents and get no response, or arguments that my concerns are unfounded. I get excuses ("My daughter fell asleep in your class three times this week? It's due to jet lag from a trip to Hawaii 4 weeks ago, not actually a problem"). I get complaints about grades.

Today, in fact, a parent emailed me about how I'm not doing enough to help her son, who hasn't done a single assignment this semester and fucks around in class. He has an F in every other class (except PE). He has been in no less than 5 fights this year, and has been sent to the office at least 22 times. And this is despite my offer to have him come in any time at lunch or after school for help, or my offer to accept any late work until June 15th. Yet clearly I'm the problem.

But that is more sad than annoying. The really irritating parents are the ones who complain about trivial things, like a student getting an A- instead of an A. I once had a parent file a complaint to the office because her son, who had a 97% in my 8th grade English class, got a C+ on a small reading quiz. She went to the office to complain that I was hurting his chances of getting into college by giving him a C+ on a quiz. In 8th grade.

So yes, it's rare to get a nice email from an involved parent. It would be goddamned amazing, actually. Most parents seem to ignore their kids, expect the schools to do everything, and just complain after the fact.

Wow. That's awful. I mean, I did work as a substitute for a while and did my psych capstone project on elementary education and child development. I had little interaction with the parents, though, aside from "Hi how are you?"

It blows my mind that we could be the exception to the rule here. I've told other people this, but it is so true: I wish part of parenting was to take a class in child development. Not because I think there is a right or wrong way to do it, but so that they would understand the needs of a child better.

Not unusual for me, but I have some colleagues who would kill for one involved parent.

My policy with my math students is to set a 10-minute timer, do what they can in that time, and put a question mark by what they can't figure out. That way I know what the student can and cannot do on their own. Weirdly enough, I don't get blank homework; I was sure at least one kid would take advantage of that policy.

This also illustrates the difference between the differences in support and involvement between elementary school and middle school/high school.

Students in elementary school are cute little explorers who get fun little projects for homework. Parents think it's cute, so they volunteer to help at the school, and they help with homework, and they chat with teachers, buy stuff for the classroom, etc.

Students in middle school aren't cute anymore. Some of them develop attitudes and they start to be more independent. The work they bring home is more complex; it's not as simple or fresh to parents. So volunteers disappear, no one supports the teacher/classroom, and support with schoolwork goes down. For high schools, all that becomes completely gone.

Now, I'm not saying I want parents to get me stuff. But it would be nice if they offered to donate some of the supplies (tissue, pencils, paper) that their kids are so fond of using up quickly. Meanwhile, elementary schools in the same district have zero problems with parent support. Something happens around 6th grade where parents check out of the whole "help my kid in school" idea.

Obviously this is a generalization, as I still get a handful of supportive parents. It's just nothing close to what elementary teachers enjoy.

I was in a weird situation earlier this year. Houston has these things called "Schools of Choice". They're better schools that you essentially apply to like a college. My son was at a middle school of choice, and he got kicked out. Now, it doesn't take much to get kicked out, and I believe the school because I know my son. Their reasoning was that he disrupted class. Nothing major--no big behavior issues or fights or anything like that. However, he does tend to do things like just get up from his desk or start talking in the middle of a lecture. These I believe, because he has always done these things. He doesn't break major rules, but he will repeatedly break small ones without change. My son claims that the teacher who pushed for it has a thing against him. I did not put much stock in this claim because he's 12 and the whole world is against him according to him. I also taught for a long time, and I know I did not want to be "that parent".

However, the more I talk to his friends and classmates, and even other parents, I'm starting to believe him a little. I think he got under this teacher's skin, and this teacher did indeed decide to go after him. That puts me in a bad situation, because to the school and to the teacher--who probably most assuredly thinks he did nothing wrong--I'm going to be one of those bitchy, annoying parents. Plus, the bulk of my evidence is friend and friend's parents testimony, and I know what that's going to look like from the other side.

WasabiPoptart said:

Is it that unusual to have parents who help their kids with homework?

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I suspect it depends. As a parent you are very engaged and involved in your child's education. My guess is most people on this forum are more involved in their child's education than the average parent.

Tress said:

I still get a handful of supportive parents. It's just nothing close to what elementary teachers enjoy.

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To some degree the change in parental involvement in conjuction with age is intentional, the school work is designed to be more independently done for older children vs younger children. The lack of supplies and other support, though, comes down to asking for it and supporting/encouraging a PTA at that level. Kids are so involved in outside activities, though, (sports, band, clubs) that parents of students in high school are already swamped with other things.

stienman said:

To some degree the change in parental involvement in conjuction with age is intentional, the school work is designed to be more independently done for older children vs younger children. The lack of supplies and other support, though, comes down to asking for it and supporting/encouraging a PTA at that level. Kids are so involved in outside activities, though, (sports, band, clubs) that parents of students in high school are already swamped with other things.

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I don't want parents to help directly with homework. What I would like is parents actually checking in and making sure homework is done. That's all. Most of them can't be bothered to do that.

Tress said:

I don't want parents to help directly with homework. What I would like is parents actually checking in and making sure homework is done. That's all. Most of them can't be bothered to do that.

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If I didn't keep up with my son and make sure he's doing his homework, he'd be failing instead of the a/b student he currently is. Heh.

I don't even want to think about homework right now. But I still am.

You do have it rough when it comes to homework, @Dei. I have enough trouble getting my 10 year old through a math lesson without panicking, so I cannot imagine what you go through.

Tress said:

I don't want parents to help directly with homework.

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For the most part, I can't leave Lily to do it on her own and just check it. She needs a bit more guidance just because of her age (she's only in 1st grade). With Noah, who is in 5th grade, we make him take responsibility for his assignments. If he is really confused we help him. Otherwise he's got to at least try it on his own. I'm also one of the few parents I know who refuses to do their older kids' projects for them (or the majority of the work). Help? Yes. Brainstorm ideas? Yes. Give guidance? Of course. I already know about the water cycle, taxonomy, how to do a report, etc. He's the one who is learning about the subject and time management, not me. Oh you failed? Now you know what not to do next time.

I just completed a long term fill-in for a maternity leave. Fifth grade Language-Based classroom, which means a number of students on IEPs, mainstream kids and peers, and a special education teacher co-teaching during ELA, Reading, and Math.

Lord, that's a challenging thing. I came in and about a third of the kids averaged less than 50% homework completion. They were not the students labeled "peers" - the "good example," socially-appropriate students that model that behavior for the others.

I got some blowback from a few moody kids and the odd parent or two, but I had to institute a policy that after every third missing or late homework, that student would get a lunch detention with me. I used a new turn-in system with checklists rather than a drop-box. Some of the kids didn't like me much, but it WORKED. MULTIPLE students bounced back, and started doing the homework. I gave up a lot of lunch periods, but when one of the IEP students goes from less than 1-in-10 for homework to a well-deserved Student of the Month due to his turnaround, I know I was right. That one COMPLETELY 180'd, and put in so much more effort.

However, I had to initiate nearly all parent contact. Luckily, I had parents willing to work with me and help with follow-through at home. The one parent that reached out to me was one of the peer parents. Her daughter scored a C+ on one of my tests, and she was very concerned about her performance. (And my teaching style.) We eventually came to suspect it was because she had been out sick, and that affected her. And it was the exact correct reason, because she was back to her straight-A self a couple days later. The others, well, we had to force the concept of independence on them a bit more.

And yes, @Tress, middle schoolers aren't cute anymore. I had attitude and sneakiness from a few of them. Two thought I had it out for them after I busted them for cheating on the Reading Program we use. One even wrote me a note about how he felt I was singling him out, but he did admit his grades went up because I was tough on him, so he seemed a bit torn.

@WasabiPoptart, your kids are lucky that they've got a parent that will support them in school like you do. I know it sucks, and I know it's not easy, but I give you so much credit for staying with it. You're not the exception, but you are an part of an increasingly rare breed.

Man, my son doesn't care about consequences, already eats lunch with his spec ed person because he hates the commotion in the lunch room, and takes hours to do the simplest assignment. Even when I take away every bit of joy he owns as punishment, he would still rather stare into space. I finally started making headway, and then he had three weeks of no homework due to standardized tests and now we are back at square one.

It's frustrating, but the problems he has focusing are not really something that can be fixed with discipline, just patience.

Dei said:

Man, my son doesn't care about consequences, already eats lunch with his spec ed person because he hates the commotion in the lunch room, and takes hours to do the simplest assignment. Even when I take away every bit of joy he owns as punishment, he would still rather stare into space. I finally started making headway, and then he had three weeks of no homework due to standardized tests and now we are back at square one.

It's frustrating, but the problems he has focusing are not really something that can be fixed with discipline, just patience.

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I feel your frustration. We're going through something with Li'l Z right now where when he gets excited (and on a couple of occasions, frustrated, but usually out of excitement), he starts getting physical; bumping into kids, swinging his arms around, etc. He doesn't try to intentionally hurt anyone, but he has caught some of his classmates off-guard. Doesn't help that he's the biggest kid in his class, too. I had to go in Friday to meet with his teacher and the school v.p. to try a find a solution, which left me a big ball of stress yesterday. His teacher says he usually realizes it after the fact and repeats the phrases we taught him (i.e. "Keep your hands to yourself"), but he's still not making the connection in the moment. It's also frustrating because I can remind him until I'm blue-in-the-face and home, and he listens, but the second he gets around other kids, all bets are off.

I know it's not as severe as what you're going through with your son, and there's a pretty good chance he'll grow out of it, but I know how hard it can be when yelling or punishment isn't the solution, but having to be patient and calm (when you really just want to fix it and be done).