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First off, one General Specific has agreed not to read this post. If he's seen lurking around here, kick him.

Hi, ball-busting feminist in love Dill reporting for duty. As many of you will know, one Mr. General Specific and I are in a kissy-kissy long term relationship. One of the things we both agree on is that we are partners and make big decisions together. That said, we intend to get hitched in 2015 but haven’t officially gotten engaged yet. I’m waiting on the pretty shiny ring I picked out before Christmas. I’m not allowed to know how, when, or where the proposal is coming. I don’t want to. However, I had the idea that I would propose back to him when the big moment came. I’ve even thought of giving him a fun ring stamped with the <3 (less than three) sign. Early on in our relationship, we’d text each other “<3 you no matter what.” I see it as it’s something sweet that he’ll appreciate. Ring:


However, one person recently told me, “I think that if you do it when he proposes to you, whether you mean to or not, I feel like that ring will kind of make the moment less somehow. Mainly what I mean I guess is he's giving you this beautiful very expensive ring and you'd be giving him this cute one. I'm not saying it’s not good, I'm just saying I would think it would probably be better at a later point.”

This comment really pisses me off and I know I should just ignore it, but my brain won’t let me. I've considered scrapping the entire idea all together. I can’t talk to my best friend about it because, well, uh, he’s the one I’m waiting to propose to. Keep in mind that Gen Spec loves the fact that I’m nontraditional and don’t take chauvinistic shit from anyone. For example, my sister keeps bugging me that he needs to ask our mom's permission beforehand. My response was, "No, the only person's permission he needs is MINE and he already has it." Gen Spec thought this was quite humorous.

So, gentlemen and ladies, does anyone have an opinion on the matter? Would you get mad if this happened to you? Would you think it was cute or degrading?

This a tough question because it's very couple specific. Only you can decide what would work for you two. If you're non-traditional, then more power to you!

For me, I would be bummed if I presented someone with a very special ring and I got a silly one in return. (That also could be because my engagement ring was my wedding ring - I didn't want to get an additional band and Nate surprised me with my ring instead of an engagement ring per se.)

But really, if you feel that it would make the moment that much more special for the two of you, I say go for it. And don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. It's your relationship, you can do things how you see fit.

If you're gonna marry this guy, you should know him pretty well by now, so trust your gut.

I think you should give him the ring -- just not at the same time he gives you yours.

Him giving you your ring -- let that be a moment all to itself. And then, you plan a surprise for some time later where you propose to him with your ring. That way you don't accidentally take away from his plans *AND* it lets you have all the fun of making plans and pulling off a new surprise *AND* the both of you get another special moment together as a bonus.

When my ex-fiancee and I got engaged, I wanted to wear a ring so I got a simple silver ring. Looked pretty much like this:

I didn't care about if it was on par with her ring in any way. (It actually wasn't far off, since she got a fairly cheap cubic zirconium, like ~$18 compared to ~$70) She didn't propose to me with it, but I don't think that would have changed how I felt. The important part was that the ring had meaning to us, and especially to me. It sounds like the ring you've chosen has that type of meaning for you, and that's what matters.

I don't know Gen Spec very well, but I can't imagine him mentally tallying up the cost of the ring you just handed him. Most likely he's going to be thinking about <3 and all the times you've said "no matter what". Those memories are worth more than any well crafted lump of precious metal, and it's those memories that would define the value of the ring if you give it to him.

I agree with @evilmike's answer. I would make this a whole separate thing. A proposal is a momentous occasion for any guy. I don't think you giving him your ring will ruin it or detract from it per se depending on how you do it. However, having two special moments to remember would be so cool! Though I'm sure you know him well enough to know he will love and appreciate your ring no matter when you give it to him.

He's going to spend a lot of time and put a lot of effort into the proposal, hoping that it goes just perfect.

Do you really think he's thinking, "Man, I hope she's passive and only interacts during the right parts of the proposal" ?

He knows you and loves you, and this will endear you to him even more.

If you are worried about it, apart from someone else's comments, then trust your gut and give it to him later.

Alternately, when the moment happens, look at his ring seriously for a few seconds, then slowly look up at him and say, "... I'm going to have to think about this." Then pause, break into a smile, and tell him you'll do it if he will marry you too, then offer your ring.

Either way, don't overthink things. This is all about you two, and the story you'll have together of this event will have meaning to both of you no matter how it turns out. You aren't throwing a wrench into his proposal - you're making sure it's your mutual engagement.

You know what? Fuck it, propose to him first.

"Dill, I've loved you for a long time now. Will you propose to me?" Present ring, fade to black.

Now you're engaged to be engaged, and he gets to wear the engaged to be engaged ring.

Thank you guys so much! I think I am going to give him his "engagement" ring at a separate occasion. This is going to be like my current promise ring. He's picked out his wedding band for later on, which I'm having personally engraved and the whole shebang. It's super nice. I want to have my moment and not spoil his. The more I think about it, the more I want to have my own special moment where I ask him.

You guys will have to forgive me because this is a really emotional thing on my part. My Grandparents have all passed away and my Grandfather was the sole male figure in my life. Also, dad isn't in the picture and never really has been and my mother is, well, not the nicest person in the world to me. I haven't had any family support from my side. Gen Spec's family has been AMAZING. I love them and they've been the most welcoming people. The whole experience with his family has actually made me re-think not changing my last name, which I've always been against. At this point, I'd be so proud to carry their last name as my own. I care for them that much.

Yay, that makes me so happy for you!!

Having in-laws that you love is the best thing ever.

I'm happy to give you support! I can be like that weird second cousin that you never see, but they're still a pretty cool person.

Tell him that you've been slowly poisoning him for the last month. Then give him the antidote.

dill616 said:

You guys will have to forgive me because this is a really emotional thing on my part. My Grandparents have all passed away and my Grandfather was the sole male figure in my life. Also, dad isn't in the picture and never really has been and my mother is, well, not the nicest person in the world to me. I haven't had any family support from my side. Gen Spec's family has been AMAZING. I love them and they've been the most welcoming people. The whole experience with his family has actually made me re-think not changing my last name, which I've always been against. At this point, I'd be so proud to carry their last name as my own. I care for them that much.

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I have to be honest this brought tears to my eyes. It is so awesome that his family is so accepting and loving toward you.

Dill (which feels weird calling you that, given the main character of my novel ), I just want to say this about the lack of family on your side:

I have a very good, old friend who I've known since Grade 2. She never knew her father and her mother never remarried. Her mother was also incredibly abuse with her to the point that she cut all ties with her before she got married. As a result, another of her oldest male friends walked her down the aisle. She has yet to contact her mother again, even after giving birth to a son. She has, though, reunited somewhat with her father, though she wound up becoming very close with her half-brothers which she discovered through the reunion.

Basically, my point is, you're not alone when it comes to this kind of situation. I hope that alone makes you feel a little better.

As far as the proposal and ring thing goes? Fuck it. Who cares what anyone else things. Do what makes you two happy and to hell with everyone else.

Me? If I ever get married, I'm considered inviting the above mentioned old friend to be my best "man."

The ONLY thing I'd advise against is doing something that would ruin his proposition in some way - if his idea of romantic is bringing it in your glass of champagne (GenSpec, please don't do this, and if you read this, NAUGHTY!), don't put yours in his because it'll make his less "important".

That aside, the monetary value of a wedding ring or engagement ring should be quite unimportant. Your ring to him is (possibly/probably/perhaps/...) more "personal" than his to you (in the sense that you picked yours out so it isn't a surprise or whatever; they're hopefully both a show of enduring love and eternal companionship and such ), why would it be "silly" or lessen the moment?
I know it's not *quite* the same, but still: when my grandparents got engaged, my grandfather gave my grandmother a worthless nickle (or brass, I confuse my metals in English) ring, of the kind put on the "pin" in a hand grenade. Why? WWII - my grandfather couldn't very well afford an actual valuable ring, just returning from working in Dresden and all that. Later, my grandfather replaced that ring with one more "valuable" - but my grandmother always stayed much more attached to that one, because it was from the heart, not the wallet.

Of course you have to decide for yourself - I assume you know soon-to-be Mr Dill better than us. But "silliness" or "lessening" anything shouldn't figure into it at all.

Don't give yours before his if you've already agreed he's going to propose (because that might "lessen" the "special" of the moment when he proposes to you - and while I'm all in favour of the woman proposing, you said he could do it ); whether you give it at the same time or later, choose yourself. As has been said above, doing them separately will allow you an extra day to splurge/remember fondly.

First off, I'm very touched by this thread. I'm so happy for you two, and I'm glad you love his family. That makes things so much easier.

Second, that ring is GREAT.

Pretty much any advice I could have thought of has already been given. But still, sounds like a damn great story, and I'm glad you have such a nice family of in-laws-to-be.

Also, there better be pictures when you've both been 'ringed', or else...

Bubble181 said:

I know it's not *quite* the same, but still: when my grandparents got engaged, my grandfather gave my grandmother a worthless nickle (or brass, I confuse my metals in English) ring, of the kind put on the "pin" in a hand grenade. Why? WWII - my grandfather couldn't very well afford an actual valuable ring, just returning from working in Dresden and all that. Later, my grandfather replaced that ring with one more "valuable" - but my grandmother always stayed much more attached to that one, because it was from the heart, not the wallet.

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The first engagement ring Mr. Wasabi gave me was a white twist tie. On some hard drive around here I have pictures of me wearing it that I sent to my friends. Now, I wear the sparkly one he gave me right before our wedding, but I still have the twist tie in my jewelry box and don't plan on ever getting rid of it.

Thank you so very, very much to everyone! I've decided that I'm going to give him the ring at some point after he officially proposes to me. Right now, I have a promise ring on my left hand given to me in August by the General. I think that maybe he needs one, too. I know he's trying to find the right way and time to ask me. I'm not putting any pressure on him. No matter what he does, I will love it! In case anyone wanted to see a preview, this the ring I've chosen:

I fucking love this ring. The only thing I love more than this ring is General Specific and my godchildren. We're having it custom made by a local jewelry store and it was picked out based on what I wanted. Believe me, I looked and looked with no luck. All of the rings were pretty, but they weren't MY ring. I knew this was the right one when we both started crying after seeing it. He cried because I was so happy and crying from happiness. God, I'm tearing up right now. We're so damn happy and sweet together. We give people the diabetes.

I grew up in an abusive household and thought I'd gotten away when I moved out to go to college. Three years ago, my sister moved in with me when she got a new job in my city and it started back up again. She's a very volatile person who lashes out at everyone. It wasn't until I moved in with the General that I realized how bad things had been. I was walking on eggshells in my own apartment and in absolute hell. Now, I'm so free. I didn't know this was how families were supposed to act. I still have wounded puppy syndrome where I feel like someone is going to scream at me if I leave a cup out overnight. No one yells anymore. My stuff doesn't get thrown around and I'm not threatened or belittled on a daily basis. Life is so good.

The "love it" is obviously about the ring and how much better you have it now, not about how miserable you were. To avoid any confusion

Also, for the record, I think this is one of, if not the, first times there's a Grue option and it hasn't received a single vote yet.

You silly bunch! Now, I'm left searching for ideas on how to do my proposal. I'm trying to plan a summer mini-vacation/anniversary trip with the General. We'll be doing tons of awesome things like going to the Georgia Aquarium, Coca Cola museum, hitting up a Ren Faire for the first time, touring some living history museums, and some other Atlanta goodies. I'd like to plan to propose to him sometime during this trip. HOWEVER, I'm only going to do it if he's already proposed to me beforehand. Oh, the things I could do!! Squee!!!

Ren Faire? Hee hee hee... Maybe hire a town crier to declare that Lady Dill wishes to propose a contract of matrimony to Lord Specific? Or get some hussy to hit on him - and then "fight" over him - with maces!

North_Ranger said:

Ren Faire? Hee hee hee... Maybe hire a town crier to declare that Lady Dill wishes to propose a contract of matrimony to Lord Specific? Or get some hussy to hit on him - and then "fight" over him - with maces!

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Tickle fight in the mud? If this is to happen, then I'll need to look up sewing patterns for corsets and get busty- I mean busy.

dill616 said:

Tickle fight in the mud? If this is to happen, then I'll need to look up sewing patterns for corsets and get busty- I mean busy.

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I think I have a book somewhere with patterns for Medieval garb. No corsets, I'm afraid.

Just can't seem to find it at the moment.

And it's in Finnish anyway, so...[DOUBLEPOST=1358285165][/DOUBLEPOST]Other than that, yes, I fully believe you should have Ye Olde Medieval Cat Fight

Don't worry, there are plenty of options for costumes at my local sewing center. Last time I went, I saw a pattern for dirndls that was so horrible, it made me ashamed to be German.

For what now? Durendals?

North_Ranger said:

For what now? Durendals?

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Dirndl- my bad on the typo. It's basically been turned into a sexist Halloween costume. Oh, my boobies can hardly fit into this tight little dirndl! I hope I don't spill any beer on them and get sopping wet!

Ach, zere is ein Tannenbaum in meine Hosen!

Guys, the General said he is finalizing plans for Valentine's Day and there may be some things that I'll have to look for or do. He was very vague and I didn't let him tell me more. Even if it isn't the proposal, which he said he wasn't going to do on Valentine's Day, I'm still losing my shit from excitement. I swear to a god that I don't believe in that if he gives me an engagement ring on this day, the world will never hear the end of my happiness. Maybe he'll give me a bunny. Oh! Maybe he'll give me a bunny with a ring! SOMEONE TELL THIS MAN I NEED A BUNNY!


A wee bit excited over here.

Get like 250 of those rings made up and then slingshot them at his head until he proposes. He seems thick, he needs the hints.

dill616 said:

Guys, the General said he is finalizing plans for Valentine's Day and there may be some things that I'll have to look for or do. He was very vague and I didn't let him tell me more. Even if it isn't the proposal, which he said he wasn't going to do on Valentine's Day, I'm still losing my shit from excitement. I swear to a god that I don't believe in that if he gives me an engagement ring on this day, the world will never hear the end of my happiness. Maybe he'll give me a bunny. Oh! Maybe he'll give me a bunny with a ring! SOMEONE TELL THIS MAN I NEED A BUNNY!


A wee bit excited over here.

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Hee hee... we should all start saying "BTW, dill616 needs a bunny" to GenSpec. Just out of the blue every time we see him post

HCGLNS said:

Get like 250 of those rings made up and then slingshot them at his head until he proposes. He seems thick, he needs the hints.

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Nah, he just wants it to be a surprise. All I know is that he'll propose sometime in 2013.