Self-Realization

[ThatNickGuy]

Something occured to me recently, now that I've picked myself out of another bad bout with depression this past weekend:

I'm a very lonely person.

I don't mean that in the just the jokingly "forever alone" kind way, but I mean truly lonely and constantly feeling like it's just me.

What's worse, and this is where the realization comes in, is that I brought (or constantly bring) it on myself. Almost all of my activities are things for myself, from reading to mindlessly surfing the net for far too long, to single player video games. The thing is, I've spent so much time by myself for years and years that I've just become accustomed to it.

I was chatting with Nourah earlier tonight and she said I was like that, even when we were dating. I admitted that I tend to just sort of live in my own world most of the time, to which she agreed.

The problem is, as I said, I've lived like this...in my own world...for far too long that I really don't know anything else. It's not that I can't be social. In fact, I'd like to think I'm a nice guy in real life, with a quick wit and smile, yadda yadda. It's not that I'm entirely anti-social. Thanks to my far too long life working in customer service, I've become the king of small talk.

It's just...well, for one, I don't really keep in good contact with people around me. I've realized that it's because I want to feel wanted. I don't usually invite people because it's either a) fear of reject that they're already busy (and most times, they are) or b) that I just want to feel included.

I'm going to the school counsellor's office tomorrow and see if I can meet with someone. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've met some people here in Presque Isle, fellow classmates, and even though I've joined them for a couple of get-togethers, I don't really feel like part of the group. Hell, I never really feel like I'm part of a group, like I don't even belong there.

 

[Ravenpoe]

If you feel it's a problem, and you certainly seem to, then talking to someone and evaluating your options is absolutely the best idea.

For what it's worth, I can offer some empathy. I've often felt the same way you do, I once described myself as feeling like half a person, because I don't like to do the normal socializing that most people do. I tend to stay home, read, watch movies, play video games, etc by myself, and tend to prefer it that way. It's not that I don't have friends (though I don't have but a few I'd consider actual close friends), I just feel more natural by myself. I enjoy spending time with friends, but there comes a point when all I want to do is go home and be alone awhile.

I've never felt particularly bad about this fact, though. If anything, and this may sound weird, the only thing I've worried about is that I -don't- feel bad about it, when I feel like I probably should.

I apologize if that makes no sense, I've never been able to really explain my worry in that regard.

 

[Shegokigo]

Look Nick, I see you make these threads and I sit through and read them. I sit here and think to myself "Nick's good people, why does he do it to himself?" Now that you've realized you actually do it to yourself I can't think of a thing to say to comfort you. For a while I thought it'd be solved by finding someone who made you happy. That didn't work. I figured you needed to surround yourself with more people. That didn't work.

At this point there's nothing I can say because I have no idea how to help. The ONLY thing I can think to say is that I don't like alot of people on a personal level Nick. I hate people generally speaking. However, if one day you weren't around anymore? I'd feel like I lost a very interesting person to listen to, to follow and talk to. If that means anything, I'm glad. If not, then at least I posted and tried.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

Thanks Sheg. It does help a little hearing you say that.

At this point, I really don't know what would help, either. I doubt finding a new woman in my life would really help.

The other problem is that, when it comes to huge get-togethers with a lot of people, I tend to freeze and not really enjoy myself. I don't mind a smaller party of maybe, maybe half a dozen people, but a huge group of people? Just don't feel comfortable at all. Too much noise, maybe? I don't know.

 

[Hailey Knight]

That was touching, Shego, just from an outside POV.

I doubt finding a new woman in my life would really help.

Good for you. Way too many people thinking finding an SO will make them feel more complete, but really it's just dropping their insecurities on another person.

The other problem is that, when it comes to huge get-togethers with a lot of people, I tend to freeze and not really enjoy myself. I don't mind a smaller party of maybe, maybe half a dozen people, but a huge group of people? Just don't feel comfortable at all. Too much noise, maybe? I don't know.

I have a similar problem; not that I freeze up, but I just kind of move to the side of things and watch. It's hard to engineer this situation, but what usually helps is if rather than getting to the gathering mid-way when there's tons of people, get there before anyone, and then the steady trickle of one or two people at a time is far less overwhelming than stepping into a sudden crowd.

 

[Shegokigo]

I ripped 12 baby seals apart with my bare hands, skinned them with my teeth, ate the meat raw in front of starving African children and used the bones to stab a few handicapped orphan children, just to watch them bleed.

Had to balance it out.

 

[Jay]

I ripped 12 baby seals apart with my bare hands, skinned them with my teeth, ate the meat raw in front of starving African children and used the bones to stab a few handicapped orphan children, just to watch them bleed.

Had to balance it out.

^^^^

This means she cooked dinner for 1.

Nick, I'll reply to this eventually this week.... it will not be kind. However it will be fair.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

*amusedly rolls his eyes* Never change, Sheg. Never, ever change.

 

[Made Ya Blush]

Thanks Sheg. It does help a little hearing you say that.

At this point, I really don't know what would help, either. I doubt finding a new woman in my life would really help.

The other problem is that, when it comes to huge get-togethers with a lot of people, I tend to freeze and not really enjoy myself. I don't mind a smaller party of maybe, maybe half a dozen people, but a huge group of people? Just don't feel comfortable at all. Too much noise, maybe? I don't know.

You seemed uncomfortable even at your own going away party. I found when ever we were out together in a group setting and even at the going away party I seemed to carry you through it. Keep conversation flowing etc.

I think you just need more confidence in yourself. You're a good and friendly guy that is good with the small talk, but not that great at starting a conversation.

I'm glad you're realizing all this now and are trying to get help with it. Best of luck.

 

[Piotyr]

Speaking from a bit of experience on living in my own world (if you care to check out my origin story, but holy shit did that end up being a huge wall of text), I spent a good portion of my adolescent and early adult life creating a huge social wall in which to shut myself. I only took enjoyment out of playing video games where I could be the hero, and ignored everything else in life to avoid getting hurt. It felt like every time I did open up I got hurt.

After about the fifth or sixth cycle of opening up a little to one person and getting burned and rebuilding another wall, I came to a realization: Just being myself around other people should be good enough. If they don't like it, then that's their problem. If they criticize constructively, then I can learn more about how to be a better version of me. I'm not perfect, but I'll never learn anything about myself and be a better person if I don't open myself up to both criticism and adoration. It'll never be all good or all bad, but remembering the good and learning from the bad is all I can do as a person. I can only control how I handle myself and how I react to others' responses.

So, I guess what I'm saying is don't be afraid to put yourself out there to people. You won't like everything you get back from it, but you'll learn you're more of a value to people than you think you are.

 

[Hailey Knight]

I ripped 12 baby seals apart with my bare hands, skinned them with my teeth, ate the meat raw in front of starving African children and used the bones to stab a few handicapped orphan children, just to watch them bleed.

Had to balance it out.

Adorable!
Added at: 23:03

After about the fifth or sixth cycle of opening up a little to one person and getting burned and rebuilding another wall, I came to a realization: Just being myself around other people should be good enough. If they don't like it, then that's their problem. If they criticize constructively, then I can learn more about how to be a better version of me. I'm not perfect, but I'll never learn anything about myself and be a better person if I don't open myself up to both criticism and adoration. It'll never be all good or all bad, but remembering the good and learning from the bad is all I can do as a person. I can only control how I handle myself and how I react to others' responses.

So, I guess what I'm saying is don't be afraid to put yourself out there to people. You won't like everything you get back from it, but you'll learn you're more of a value to people than you think you are.

This.

Basically, if a person doesn't like you for who you are, there's no point in being around them anyway. This goes for friendship and relationships.

 

[Cajungal]

One of my sister's closest friends has some kind of anxiety disorder that keeps him from being comfortable in many situations. He keeps himself going with a small circle of friends that he trusts, medicine, and a cognitive behavior therapist. He still gets uncomfortable and has to remove himself sometimes, but he manages.

When it's something medical, you can hear people tell you over and over that you need confidence, you need to branch out slowly, etc. etc. All that's easy enough for people with mere self-diagnosed issues to say. You're finding someone to talk to who has a background in this. That's the best thing you can do right now. Finding a safe place to voice your anxieties is so important.

I have a lot of background in this with my family. I don't know exactly what it feels like to be you, but I can say that your wanting a change is the first step. If you didn't want to make any effort, then there would be no hope. You seem like a decent and solid person, I've always thought so, and I have confidence that you'll find a way through this. Good luck.
Added at: 22:29

 

[Philosopher B.]

All I can say is ... I sympathize.

Growing up homeschooled, my 'friends' were my brothers and sisters ... basically, I learned to entertain myself through my creative hobbies (in particular, writing fiction). I'm not wholly adverse to social situations, but neither do I typically seek them out.

 

[strawman]

I recall that feeling. Humans are social creatures by instinct, and you will always have this feeling until you have a social group or two of people who lie somewhere between best friends and acquaintences that you visit with irregularly. Visit means face-to-face contact. The human brain is wired for human faces.

You can ignore the feeling. That works for many people, others let it eat at them and/or can't ignore it. Others cope using various means - watching news shows where the anchor looks directly at the viewer and talks as though they are in the same room addressing the viewer can provide some of the social feelings one needs. It's not that they're delivering news that has got so many people hooked - it's that it's one of the few audio-visual versions of entertainment that trigger these instinctual social cues.

If you suspect that you can't simply ignore it, and news and similar programs don't do it for you, the easiest and fastest way to meet this need is to start partying - literally. Whenever you do anything that could be social rather than alone, tell a few of your friends what you're going to do, and invite them to join you. You shouldn't watch a movie without notifying your friends - they likely will not come often since it'll be on short notice, but they will come often enough to meet this need.

In return, they will also start inviting you to their smaller "events". Don't feel like you have to accept every time, and don't make them feel they have to accept when you invite them over. Make sure you DO accept on a regular basis, and arrange your activities and schedule (and mind) so you feel like you can accept regularly without messing up your life. If you always invite them over, but never reciprocate, they will stop inviting you out, and that is one of the important things you're missing - someone calling you and specifically requesting your presence.

Start with this. Call them up, even if you don't know them that well.

Once you've established a relationship with people that says, "I'm up for unplanned get-togethers, and will call you if I do something that might interest you" then things will literally take care of themselves. They'll start inviting you to other events, and you'll start feeling wanted, not to mention all the other very enjoyable benefits of social interaction.

Give it some time, though - it'll work, but it'll take at least a month or two of regular contact for others to switch you from the "doesn't participate" category to the "hella fun" category.

And don't get all worked up over _who_ you call. Work friend, acquaintance, ex, person at the customer service counter. Your brain knows who you want to spend time with - just ask them as they come to mind, and ask them again some other time if you get brushed off. Just because they said no this time doesn't mean they'll say no next time. Rule of thumb - if they say no 3 times over a few weeks, stop inviting them for a few weeks, then try again later.

Don't stop once you've got one or two people that you visit with occasionally. You also want to be the person to get others to know each other. Contact a few people every time you watch a movie, or whatever. Try to get 2 or more people to come over.

 

[Math242]

Nick, you should do what the man above said ! Great piece of advice.

 

[Chibibar]

I feel you Nick. I really do. I use to be shy around people (or mean and want to be left alone).

It is hard, but you would have to make attempt to go out and explore new things. Humans are social creature but there are some who LIKE to be alone. I am glad you are seeking help and finding way to not feel alone.

*hugs* just let you know, in this day and age, you are never really alone. You have us! (the forum)

 

[Made Ya Blush]

I used to have friends. Then I had none for quite some time. Mostly by choice.

Once you're at zero friends, it's really hard to get back into the social life. Going to a party all by yourself is not really an easy thing for many people.

Now, I am gaining and making a (relatively) lot of friends. Problem is, I don't actually live near any of them so just dropping by to watch a movie or something isn't an option. Still, we stay in touch and see each other when it's actually feasible. Many of 'm live near my boyfriend so that helps.

What worked for me initially was dating. I dated quite a bit, and still do. I have met a bunch of nice people that way and some of them are still my friends even if we aren't dating anymore. That may not be your thing, but you can try volunteering, starting a band, joining a roleplaying group. Anything to find people more of your liking. Do as was said above and be yourself. I'm also in favor of the partying idea.

So you 'lost' the girl? Well, no, you didn't. She's still your friend and obviously still cares for you. So maintain that friendship!

Loneliness isn't always fixed by simply surrounding yourself with people, though. More so by knowing that there are people thinking of you, even when you are alone.

You might be lonely and not have any physical friends in Maine yet, but you left behind a whole slew of friends in Toronto behind that I'm sure miss you and would love to know how your move went etc... We're all just an email, msn or FB message away. When ever you need moral support or what ever... Don't forget them because we haven't forgotten you. Otherwise what was the point in your parting party if not to celebrate a new chapter in your life. We're there for you when you need us. Okay, so I can't really speak for all your Toronto friends, but I'm sure it's true just the same. When the time is right and you have your shit together in Maine ask Kate out! You might think her now to be out of your league, but I know she isn't. Take care.