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A good friend of mine wishes to marry her boyfriend of three years. Unfortunately, she's a poor college student, he's in the Navy, and their families don't get along. So a proper big ceremony is out of the question right now. Early last fall, I mentioned to her that any schmuck off the street can get ordained and perform a wedding. Well, due to it being a long time bucket list item of mine and offering to do it for free, I'm that schmuck.



So yeah. I'm gonna perform a short little ceremony for the couple and four of their friends the first weekend in June. I think I'm more nervous about it than they are (I don't wanna fuck anything up, naturally). I also get to make a lot of jokes about how terrible a minister I am ("As your minister, I recommend Death Race 2000. It is a really good movie." = actual advice I've given).

Anyone got any tips, ideas, jokes, or objections to my blasphemy?

A story from my grandfather's wedding:

When at his wedding, my grandfather was very nervous. The pastor tried to calm him down by telling him, "As long as you don't say, 'With this wing, I thee red,' you'll be fine." Come the ceremony... you can guess what happened from there.

Just try not to molest any kids, and you'll be doing way better than many bona fide clergymen.

Suggest to them/their DJ to play "I will Possess Your Heart" by Death Cab for Cutie and then wait to see if/when they realize it is a song about a stalker

Null said:

Just try not to molest any kids, and you'll be doing way better than many bona fide clergymen.

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Hey now! I'm bona fide. I paid near forty bucks to prove such. I just am ordained by an organization that has really low standards ("Can you use a computer? Congratulations!") for its ministers.

General Specific said:

A story from my grandfather's wedding:

When at his wedding, my grandfather was very nervous. The pastor tried to calm him down by telling him, "As long as you don't say, 'With this wing, I thee red,' you'll be fine." Come the ceremony... you can guess what happened from there.

Click to expand...

Oh God I would I try to use that if her boyfriend didn't scare the piss out me. He's like six four and two points shy of being rated as a sharpshooter or something. The first words he ever said to me were "I'm gonna kill you mother fucker" (I was IMing his fiance, my friend, about having been looked in the eye by Kevin Smith when I asked him a question at the Red State Q&A...boyfriend LOVES Kevin Smith and suitably jealous...I'm told the threat was in jest).

Norris said:

Hey now! I'm bona fide. I paid near forty bucks to prove such. I just am ordained by an organization that has really low standards ("Can you use a computer? Congratulations!") for its ministers.

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You're Presbyterian?

General Specific said:

Suggest to them/their DJ to play "I will Possess Your Heart" by Death Cab for Cutie and then wait to see if/when they realize it is a song about a stalker

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We've had threads about inappropriate weddings songs, and DJ FloppyHoots has pointed out that as long as people can dance to or enjoy a song, it doesn't matter. ie songs like "Mambo #5", "Girls Girls Girls", "Better Man", all of which I have heard at wedding receptions.
Added at: 00:54

General Specific said:

You're Presbyterian?

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Presbyterians hate computers. Well, at least the Presbyterian church I belong to does...

General Specific said:

You're Presbyterian?

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Universal Life Church Monastery. Which is even less...whatever.

Likewise, the entire wedding will be seven human beings. Me, bride & groom, 4 witnesses. Oh, and possibly the bride's sister (may be busy that weekend) and my eldest "niece" (because I know none of the other people at the wedding except the bride). So the "reception" is dinner on the groom's dime. We're doing this in a public park. Should be fun.

General Specific said:

You're Presbyterian?

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Presbyterians require 4 years of seminary to be a pastor, I think. Though, other than that, the standards do seem to be pretty damn low these days.

Null said:

Presbyterians hate computers. Well, at least the Presbyterian church I belong to does...

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Not my church. Though they do use Macs for most of the youth ministry team and the projector showing lyrics and such during the contemporary worship service...

figmentPez said:

Presbyterians require 4 years of seminary to be a pastor, I think. Though, other than that, the standards do seem to be pretty damn low these days.



Not my church. Though they do use Macs for most of the youth ministry team and the projector showing lyrics and such during the contemporary worship service...

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Yeah, Pastor Bob does that too, it's fricking annoying when they try to zazz it up.

figmentPez said:

Not my church. Though they do use Macs

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Yeah, hate for computers proven...

Oh, you're a MINISTER. I thought this was a rant thread about you being a male spinster, a minster

Norris said:

Hey now! I'm bona fide. I paid near forty bucks to prove such. I just am ordained by an organization that has really low standards ("Can you use a computer? Congratulations!") for its ministers.



Oh God I would I try to use that if her boyfriend didn't scare the piss out me. He's like six four and two points shy of being rated as a sharpshooter or something

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That means he's only hitting 24/40 targets by Army standards (I refuse to believe the Navy has higher marksmanship standards), don't be afraid of that.

Also I can't help but see the W that starts your last name and fill the rest in with Walken.

Covar said:

That means he's only hitting 24/40 targets by Army standards (I refuse to believe the Navy has higher marksmanship standards), don't be afraid of that.

Also I can't help but see the W that starts your last name and fill the rest in with Walken.

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Walker, actually. And on the the shooting standards, I only know what his fiance tells me.

Covar said:

(I refuse to believe the Navy has higher marksmanship standards),

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Why, i mean it makes sense because it might involve shooting from a boat, and in the Army the lesser accuracy can easily be offset by numbers...

I think the low end numbers to make sharpshooter in the Navy are 16/30 for the M-16. Slightly lower than the Army's standard provided those scores are right.

So, in discussing stuff, the friend who I am performing the ceremony for and I jokingly came up with the idea for a ceremony based around Prince lyrics. I sat down to write a draft of what I think would make for a good secular wedding ceremony tonight, and after finishing that, wrote this insanity (names removed to protect the innocent):

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life, it means forever and that’s a mighty long time but I’m here to tell you – there's something else: Marriage. A world of never ending happiness, you can always see the sun, day, or night. So when you call up that clerk in the county of Kent, you know the one, Ms. Please-Don’t-Use-An-Online-Minister, considering how much of your time is left, ask her how much of your love baby. ‘Cuz in this life, things are much harder than in marriage. In this life, you’re on your own. And if the elevator tries to bring you down, get married, punch a higher floor!

I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray. Do you, Girl, take Guy here to be your lawfully wedded husband, love – you cannot imagine, hot –getting’ so excited, thinking ‘bout all you can do, money- how much’ll make you happy, you can have it all if it will suit you right, but nothing’- nothin’ can take the place of you and him, kickin’ it tight, tight, his love will be your food?

(I think an “I do”, “Yes”, or “Yowza” goes here. Maybe.)

I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if it goes to fast. Life is just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last*. Guy, do you take Girl there to be your lawfully wedded wife, you want to be her fantasy, maybe she can be yours, wouldn’t change a stroke, ‘cause baby you’re the most, with a girl as fine as she is now?**

(Another spot where a yes might be appropriate. Or a punch to my mouth. Either is proper based on what was just uttered.)

Then by the power vested in me by the state of Michigan, Paisley Park, and our lord and savior Jesus Christ, I know pronounce you man and wife. He just wants your extra time and your KISS.

Young and old, gather ‘round, everybody hail the newlyweds in town!

* note the earlier differentiation between “life” and “marriage”. I’m referring to a man’s single years here.
** I apologize for this whole passage. His purpleness is not known for his feminist lyrics. Or lyrics not about doing it.

I read this whole thing in Preacherbot's voice.

Good job.

Here, take my card:

As my father says, the quickest way to be official is to look official.