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After dating for a few months (I think shortly before Halloween), this girl and I broke up. I'm honestly not that torn up about it. In fact, it was pretty mutual. While we shared some similar interests and I did like her, I found I wasn't developing any deeper or stronger feelings for her.

But in our conversation, she brought a few things up that got me thinking. Here's some of the texts she sent:
-(Regarding my mention of recent depression) "That's the thing - so am I, but it's always about how you're doing, rarely me."
-"I felt like I at least made an effort to check in with you about your depression, even texted, but you rarely did and only when we were together."

And honestly, I agree with her. I've become so used to being on my own, not just living on my own but just generally spending the vast majority of my time alone, that I honestly find it difficult to ask people about themselves. It's not purposely trying to be self-centred, but I'm sure that's how it sometimes comes across. I think about the times that me and this girl spent together and how I struggled to come up with questions to ask her. Or I think about when our very own FigmentPez reached out to me and asked if I could be one of his support contacts...and I never got back to him.

I feel like...I don't know, like I've got my head stuck so far up my own ass now that I don't know how to pull it back out. As I said, it's never intentional, either. I just spend so much time by myself and thinking about things that I want or need to do that I have a hard time talking with others. I always feel like the awkward guy in the room who doesn't know what to add to the conversation.

Though, while I'm thinking, I suddenly remember WAY back when I was 18, living with my sister and her family in my first year of university (hindsight being 20/20, that was a big mistake for all of us). She said she noticed how I tried to steer conversations back towards me somehow. When she mentioned it, I didn't even have a clue that's what I was doing.

And I think it's a similar situation here. Not just with this girl, but with my friendships and my family.

Sorry, I should've just put this in the Rant thread. I don't even know what advice could be given to me for this. I've been strongly considering getting a counsellor again, but I don't know how much that would help.

Maybe it would help. If you're talking to someone on a regular basis about yourself, maybe you won't unintentionally seek that out of others?

I've recently started working on this myself. I realized that the one friend I have who asks how life is gets an earful of my bitching while I rarely ask how things are for her (she moved from GA to San Fransisco and, like me, isn't a big social person). It's hard to get out of your own head and worry about others sometimes, especially when you've spent so long worrying about yourself. You just have to find that balance between fixing yourself and being an ear for others who are doing the same.

I actually went to a Dale Carnegie course specifically to learn how to stop doing stuff like this. I don't remember much of the course now (except for a really hot girl who often sat next to me, she basically looked like an Asian version of Elisabeth Shue in her youth), but the crux of the course was "people like to talk about themselves."

By consciously harnessing this knowledge, you can remember to guide conversations towards the other people you're talking to. You can get them to open up a little bit about themselves, and find conversation topics from there.

Much like everything in life, it takes practice. But generally speaking, once you get the hang of it, it works quite well.

The hardest problem is realizing you have a problem. So kudos for that.

From personal experience, I see most people as more than willing to open up so long as you give them the impression that you are a) interested and b) receptive. Lotta people out there with a lot of pent-up stuff have spilled to me for hours on trains/planes/car trips/long waits/etc. Even people I don't know. So all I have to offer in this is that instead of seeming ready to listen, perhaps it's just that you are giving off signals that suggest otherwise. It may not actually be that you are only interested in talking about you, all you, nothing but you, so much as that they feel unwelcome to talk about themselves. It could be any number of little things that you do, but I don't really believe it's worth it to obsess over every little nuance to try and figure out if you are "doing it again." For the most part, things happen. Hollywood/Comics/Books/Shows/etc. exist because they are (usually) wish fulfillment, not because they are an accurate depiction of real-life events. So be the most friendly-but-cautious yourself you can be, and see where that gets you.

--Patrick

I really wish I had good advice - I'm a fixer that wants everyone to be happy.

I'm wondering if maybe,since you spend a lot of time alone, part of you talking about yourself spawns from the fact that you really don't get the opportunity to talk about yourself. When the chance presents itself, maybe you just go overboard because it's not a common occurrence.

My advice is to keep your 'you' talk to one story at a time. Don't go on and on telling multiple stories about your day or whatever, tell a story, then see if someone else has something to say. Or then ask a question. And if you interrupt someone because of an awesome thought you had (I do this one..) apologize when you've finished and let them continue their story.

And as others have said, it just takes practice. Realizing that you may want to do things differently on the communication front may make it easier to catch too.

Hugs for you.

This seems like a pretty common problem. I do it too, honestly, and I used to be a lot worse about it (look, I'm doing it now ).

Part if my plan to remedy this was to do something that would benefit others. It works for some people--choosing an activity or cause that will make you think of others. That's part of why I chose teaching. Problem is, it's easy to start playing the martyr or trying to get attention for your hard work, and that just sends you right back to where you started. I have a reminder that I keep locked and loaded in my head whenever I think I'm going to start running my mouth in the breakroom:

1. Why am I doing this (i.e., am I here for recognition or because I want to be of use?)

2. What am I ignoring by focusing on myself? (Do my friends and coworkers look tired? Could I reenergize myself by helping them in some way?)

3. What will complaining/talking about myself help? (Do I truly need to vent, or am I just making noise?)

Let me just say that I know your situation is very different! I'm not trying to make light of depression, but I wanted to share in case it could be of help. I respect you for thinking about this seriously and not writing it off as someone just being mean or unfair. It takes a lot of strength to do that. I wish you luck, Nick, and come on back here to talk about your life when you need!

LittleKagsin said:

I really wish I had good advice - I'm a hugger that wants everyone to be happy.

Hugs for you.

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Sorry, but I had to fix that for you.

Emrys said:

Sorry, but I had to fix that for you.

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And a right honest fix it is! It's so truuue.

I don't know if it's the loner route that's causing this; I used to spend most of my time alone and it was easier for me to be quiet and prod people into going on endless diatribes about themselves than to have to open up about myself. Still is if I'm around new people.

I think you'll find yourself asking more questions when you find the other person interesting. If you don't, you're going to want to steer things back towards someone you do find interesting--you.

Some years ago (you may remember those days as "back when Bubble couldn't stop posting about how crappy his love life is" ), after I broke up with my then-girlfriend, I sort of went through the same (by which I do not mean to imply anything more than "similar situation"). With my gf out of the picture, I found most of my interests were solitary (reading, playing computer games) and, with most of my social life having been frat stuff up to that point, I was...well, not lonely, but definitely alone a lot.
And while, as QP said, it can be hard to open up about yourself, it's still, relatively speaking, easier to speak about relatively safe things about yourself ("my day was X", "my job Y",...) than it is to actually be interested in someone else.
Frankly, most conversation about people falls into a few categories. Useless small talk (yeah, so it is hot today. I know, why talk about it?). "Safe" but boring conversations (Those Nicks sure showed them All-Stars, huh?) that aren't, in point of fact, interesting at all, unless they happen to be about a sport/hobby you're interested in. People talking about your problems, people talking about their problems.
Talking about your problems - no fun and not what you want to do with someone you don't know well.
Talking about their problems - safer but less interesting unless you're actually emotionally invested in that other person - and that is scary as fuck, and/or hard.

Obviously I don't know what the reason(s) may be why you find yourself talking more about yourself than about the other - but I've found that part of the reason, for me, is that I simply can't bring up the energy to actually care. Not in the "my problems are so much worse than yours" way, but...I dunno? I can't really describe it properly. There are 7 billion people in the world, and I'm pretty sure about 5 billion of them are miserable (the rest is nuts or lucky or both). I can't care about all of them. People I'm already close with, I care about. People I'm not already close with....it's very hard (well, I've gotten better at it, but still) to make the effort to be interested in them, to open up and really listen, feel with them, try to be supportive, and so on. Much easier to just keep the talk either polite but general or to talk about "safe" subjects about yourself.

Not that I have any sensible advice to give based on that. Sorry. But hope you manage to gather up the energy to do something about it - I know that's what I still struggle with most.

The fact that you recognize it is a great first step. Don't worry about fixing it all at once, just become aware of it, and during conversations take notice of who's talking, what they're talking about, and your interest level.

One thing I noticed is that it's easy for me to tell an experience related to the current discussion, and I often have to suppress the urge to share - especially if it means interrupting them to do so.

So as a very first thing to do - try to avoid interrupting people. Secondly, focus on the conversation - don't let your mind wander to other things, or try to think about what you're going to say next. Just let it flow and participate without interrupting them.

Of course you might not have an issue with interrupting or relating a story about every aspect of someone's conversation or letting your mind wander, but you can probably identify one small thing about how you talk with people that you can change.

Don't worry about it, though, you shouldn't spend time during the conversations wondering if you're giving too much or too little. Make one small change this year, another one next year, and eventually through practice you'll be able to have great conversations that you and others enjoy having.

Espy said:

I cannot agree with this more.

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I disagree. I think you could, if you really, really tried, agree with it just a little bit more.

Ugh, look who's talking about himself again.

BananaHands said:

Ugh, look who's talking about himself again.

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Yes, but there's an important difference - I'm not just talking to you about myself, I'm talking down to you about myself.

It's perfectly ok to dominate the conversation if you are above the person you are talking to. They obviously have something they can learn from you.

And by you, I mean me.



this is a joke, btw