Social interaction woes

[fade]

Last night, I had a little bit of a fit of depression. I told my wife, "I know this makes me sound like an elementary school kid, but it just feels like no one likes me. I don't know why." I don't get social interaction all that well. I read up and researched things like small talk and the like, but I just cannot seem to make it work for me. It's like I know all the parts, but I can't put them together.

Here's what happens. I walk up to a person I have some common interest with, and I ask them open-ended questions, but I only get terse answers. Soon, the conversation dies, and I just don't know what to do. My wife says I am doing the right thing, but it's all in my delivery. She says I just act arrogant and disinterested even though she knows I'm not--but only because she knows me. She says my body language tells people I don't want to be there. It's funny--I don't think these things at all. I do want to be there, and I do want to talk, but apparently it doesn't come across.

I'm thinking about the advice of creating a character to play in conversation. I do this with public speaking. I'm an awesome speaker. I have the teaching reviews and the rocking ratemyprofessor page to back it up. But I can role play there because it feels normal to do so. Doing so in conversation seems disingenuous, though.

In group settings, I do tend to pick a place to stand or sit away from everyone. Not because I don't like them, but because it saves me the awkwardness of failed conversation. But that creates the vicious cycle of seeming arrogant and disinterested.

My wife has also advised never telling anyone I have a PhD in physics. She said that instantly alienates people because they think they'll have nothing to say to me.

So TL;DR: I would greatly appreciate any advice on improving social interaction.

 

[Fun Size]

Practice your facial expressions at home. I'm actually really good at most required social interactions, but my wife has to remind me to smile, because my natural facial expression when I'm not thinking about anything is almost a scowl. I had to focus a lot to stop creasing my eyebrows whenever I was thinking, instead trying to relax my face and smile a little. It sounds silly, but it's helped a lot, especially when I'm interacting with kids, and the bonus is that when I really do scowl, it carries more meaning.

 

[Dave]

First, you can't read up on social interaction. It's like bowling. You can read about it, but that doesn't help. Only doing it helps.

Don't worry about your PhD in physics. It wouldn't alienate me in the least, but then again I'm a geek and would love to talk things like string theory and the "god particle" even though the science of it is beyond me by quite a bit.

The fact you are aware of the social anxiety actually makes it worse. You are looking at it analytically and stressing when there's nothing you can do about it. Stop trying so damned hard. Be yourself. If they don't like you, then it doesn't matter anyway. If they do like you then score!

I'm not sure that I'm a lot of help in this. I'm one of those annoying people who are naturally gregarious and can talk to almost anyone. Which annoys my wife to no end.

 

[LittleKagsin]

Sorry I'm reiterating a few points that Dave made, but I'm in agreement that researching how to interact with others doesn't always help. Especially since every person acts differently, there is no tried and true way to talk to other people.

It sounds like when you talk to others, there is no flow to the conversation, after you're done asking a quesiton you move on to the next one. Be okay with silence and lulls. Even my best friends, who I feel comfortable talking with about any subject (and I mean any subject), we have moments of nothing to our conversations. And it's okay. We take a minute to think about what was said, which sometimes brings up other points, leading to a natural flow in the conversation. Or if we have nothing to say, we sit in silence for a moment and a completely different topic gets brought up.

Do you get bored in conversation easily? I mean, I know I can have some pretty stupid conversations with my friends, that mean absolutely nothing, but I enjoy it fully. The other day we talked for two hours making up death-matches and 'who would win' scenarios. Yeah, not deep conversation.

The idea of coming up with a persona isn't a bad one, but what I would do instead is take inspiration from someone who exists. Know somebody who's very social and good at it? Channel them, but don't be them. It can give you an extra boost of confidence without seeming fake.

At a party, or social event, I suggest sitting close to everyone, even if you aren't participating in the conversation. It's surprising how often you can simply listen to everyone and still be involved. This one tends to work for me quite a bit because I'm terribly shy, so I struggle a lot in group settings, but sitting there listening to everyone's stories let's them know that I'm interested in them and I want to be there. Also, when it comes to group events, I like to 'trade off'. What I mean is, at one event, I'll try to be very social and talk with many people, sharing stories; being loud. But then at the next event, I'll hang back and be in the background. Not having the pressure of being social at every party may ease you into a bit better, so you have more focused practice and less, as you put it, failed conversations.

The subject of your PhD shouldn't be a turn off to anyone, but I wouldn't come out of the gate saying to everyone 'Hello, my name is ___ and I have a PhD in physics.' while shaking their hand. As your wife mentioned, it's in the delivery. If you were to say this to me, that you have a PhD, I would find it fascinating, but you would have to carry the conversation some because I'm not well-versed in that subject. Observing others' body language is a good indicator if discussing physics is an okay topic.

Anyway, sorry this is long, but I hope it helps some.

 

[Dei]

My son is autistic, and that has actually kind of helped me with me social interactions quite a bit, because I have to be so aware of it with him. I am still god awful at it and pretty socially awkward as well, but having to prompt my son on these things anytime we are around people has slowly started to sink in with me. Eye contact and having your body physically face the person you are talking to is important, as is the distance you are standing from the person you are talking to. In all seriousness, just start there, and have conversations with people who you are comfortable around and try to remember those little things so that you have an idea of what you are aiming for. It doesn't seem like a lot, but it is a huge step in the right direction.

 

[fade]

One point you guys are making that I have to disagree with is that you can't research social interaction. There are things that people do that I don't that I wouldn't be aware of if I didn't read up on them. I can't be who I am because this guy with no social interaction is who I am, and it's not working for me.[DOUBLEPOST=1369929167][/DOUBLEPOST]I try to mimic my wife, but I just can't make the conversation go. She's my polar opposite in a lot of ways. Very extroverted, very good at making friends. My 5 year old daughter is the same. She lights up a room and everyone loves her. They're happy and use a lot of body language. I think that's something I need to improve.

I do wait for answers to my questions before moving on, but they don't come. That's why my wife says it's delivery (not Digiorno). I ask the same questions she does, but I don't get the same answers. That's the confusing part.

Dei that is good advice. I will try that. My wife says smile more, too.

 

[Fun Size]

Also, when in doubt, pull it out.*

*This advice is not applicable when withing 50 feet of a public education institution.

 

[Dei]

I will say I hate when people say Smile More! just because I have a neutral expression that more or less reverts to looking sad even when I'm not so it looks pretty horrifying when I try to force a smile when I'm not feeling it. If you don't normally smile a lot, ease into smiling while talking with strangers, because seriously, it will do you no favors.

 

[LittleKagsin]

That's fine if you need/want to research things, just so long as you're flexible in the response. Many people interact differently, for different reasons, so as long as you don't assume the research you find is the end all be all way to socialize. Then go for it if it will give you the starting point you need.

 

[Chad Sexington]

I think research into it actually is valuable. Changing my body language has really helped with my ability to hold good conversations. Something that I did early on (having struggled in similar ways as you) was learn how to give a genuine compliment. It really helps break down people's hesitation with you if you notice their new shoes, or haircut or something. But don't lie. Compliment them if you actually do like it. They'll very often volunteer a story at this point, about why they go those shoes, or the crazy sales associate at the store, which gives you guys something to chat about for a few minutes.

 

[strawman]

I'm going to go ahead and disagree that you can't research and learn social interaction via study, experimentation and practise.

For the particular problems you're describing I suggest that you consider some of the following tips:

These tips revolve around giving the other person active feedback that you are listening, understand, and are interested in what they're saying.

- nod your head. Frequently, but deliberately, slowly, and "understandingly". I'm not saying bob it up and down continuously, but do it frequently enough that they continue.
- while they are talking, make noises of understanding. "Ah!" "Ok..." "I see..." "Hmm." Picking good times for these noises is important, done at the wrong time and it'll have the opposite effect, they'll think you're going though the motions, and not really listening. They might raise their tone at the end of a statement, almost as if asking a question - that's them making sure you're following along, and now's a good time to show that you are following by responding affirmatively. Some people cock or tilt their heads, or raise their eyebrows in order to elicit a response from you. Everyone is different, so it's a bit of trial and error.
- raise your eyebrows, and open your eyes wider. Your face should be animated, almost to the point where it feels like its constantly moving. People become very uncomfortable talking to a person who has few facial communication skills. Somewhat like bobbing your head, your eyebrows should be moving up and down, creasing, etc to show your state of ought and understanding. You may very well understand what they're talking about, but if you don't tip them off to your current state of mind, they'll assume you aren't interested.
- interrupt them. Yes, it seems bass akwards, and if you're like me you hate being interrupted in general, but the reality is that in general conversation people expect interruptions, it shows the listener is not just listening, but actively engaged in the topic. They'll leave almost imperceptible breaks, but you can find out if its a good time to interrupt or not by making one of the above noises. If they then stop, you should continue the discussion. Those noises can be a bridge to handing the discussion off if the breaks aren't obvious. Some people will simply stop talking, expecting you to continue, particularly if they aren't getting any other body language communication back from you.
- when they come to a point, appear to give it some thought. For me that means clenching my lips a little, possibly cocking my head, and looking upward, or up and to the right. It can be brief, and its a good spot to break in and either ask a question, or continue the line of thought.
- don't smile all the time. It's creepy. Like nodding your head, or raising your eyebrows, smile when something strikes you as funny about the conversation.
- don't stare at them intently, but do keep your eyes on them about 80-90% of the time. Don't keep your eyes wide open or eyebrows lifted continuously, again, your face should be moving, but not frantically.
- don't gesture while they are talking, unless you intend to interrupt. Don't keep your arms crossed. You can move about, and even sway slightly from side to side if you want or need to, but movement that could be interpreted as a gesture when it's not your turn to talk is an interruption, so make sure you back it up with words. Gesturing demonstrates you've started thinking, and want to be talking, and if continued silently, then it's as though you're having a private conversation with yourself that you're leaving them out of.

It'll feel strange, almost clownish, to do some of this, and people who know you well will notice the change, and may themselves respond oddly at first, but eventually it'll become second nature to you, and you should find that people that don't know you will talk with you longer than usual. The movements you are making are just as important as the words you're saying.

Note that this reflects US culture, and that other countries, even in the English world, are different.

And to those who didn't know you were doing this, and others are doing it and you can't help but notice now that I've told you...

Sorry.

But not really sorry, more of a "ha ha!" Sorry.

 

[MindDetective]

Stienman has some good points. But I would like to also emphasize that being introverted is okay. It is easy to see the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, because extroverted people are visibly rewarded for their sociability. Introverts receive their rewards very solitarily, invisibly. Make friends slowly. That is your nature. You will find commonalities eventually and develop fewer but stronger relationships than the extroverts with scores of friends. It is harder as adults. We aren't as trusting as children and so it takes time to wear down the barriers and begin to feel comfortable around someone you don't know. Time + repeated exposure = you'll get there.

 

[strawman]

While I don't disagree with minddetective regarding introversion being ok, I disagree with the implication that body language is and should be tied to personality more strongly than language is. Yes, there are regional variations as to how to pronounce "fire" and regional variations on how to express a thought with a gesture, but these are tied to cultures and regions, not to personality.

And while I disagree that introverted people are generally or should be associated with groups that don't naturally communicate with their facial movements, I certainly don't intend to imply that everyone should learn to communicate with these techniques. Personality does have a huge role to play in communication both verbal and nonverbal, but these facial and body language cues are just as important in our culture as knowing the English language. Yes, you can get by just fine if you only know a few thousand words of English, and if you can only read and project a very limited set of visual cues and gestures, but you can have more significant and meaningful interactions with others if you endeavor to learn more of the language, both verbal and nonverbal.

Of course we should respect someone's decision to interact in the manner they find most comfortable. But as expressed in the op, sometimes you notice that others are more capable conversationalists than you, despite your knowledge of English, and thus you might in fact desire to improve your nonverbal communication skills.

It's not turning your back on your personality to improve your communication skills.

 

[fade]

Stienman has some good points. But I would like to also emphasize that being introverted is okay. It is easy to see the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, because extroverted people are visibly rewarded for their sociability. Introverts receive their rewards very solitarily, invisibly. Make friends slowly. That is your nature. You will find commonalities eventually and develop fewer but stronger relationships than the extroverts with scores of friends. It is harder as adults. We aren't as trusting as children and so it takes time to wear down the barriers and begin to feel comfortable around someone you don't know. Time + repeated exposure = you'll get there.

Well, that's true, and I'm comfortable with my introversion most of the time. But it's also nice to have friends, and if you don't put yourself out there, you'll never find them. It is a problem when it's interfering with life. Isn't that what they say about mental health diagnoses?

 

[MindDetective]

Well, that's true, and I'm comfortable with my introversion most of the time. But it's also nice to have friends, and if you don't put yourself out there, you'll never find them. It is a problem when it's interfering with life. Isn't that what they say about mental health diagnoses?

Sometimes. And yes, put yourself out there. Just don't be too hard on yourself either.

 

[MindDetective]

Also, if you're ever in Southern Oregon, we can stand around awkwardly together, or something.

 

[fade]

I'm really good at that. Lots of practice.

I've been experimenting today. I'm making eye contact and smiling. As much as I hate to admit my wife is right, it's working. Quite well actually. It's amazing how much more comfortable people look, and that's really all I changed.

 

[drawn_inward]

You and I might have been separated at birth. Let's go get a beer sometime and sit in silence together.

But, really, I live that life, dude.

 

[Fun Size]

I'm really good at that. Lots of practice.

I've been experimenting today. I'm making eye contact and smiling. As much as I hate to admit my wife is right, it's working. Quite well actually. It's amazing how much more comfortable people look, and that's really all I changed.

I literally try to keep a joke in my head often just to try and keep a small smile on my face.

Another thing that may or may not help: I tend to communicate and socialize via humor (just in case no one picked that up from my post history). I took some time examining how I used humor and started consciously trying to use less negative sources for it. I didn't realize how often my humor, however funny, was rooted in sarcasm or negativity. Now I can adjust it to the crowd, and that has made a big difference for me. YMMV or course.

 

[Cajungal]

Hope things continue to improve, Fade. The fella could sympathize. He's a very interesting guy, good listener, he might be a bit better at remembering to smile... but some people have called him unfriendly or arrogant because of shyness. Sometimes all he can do to respond to something is a nervous chuckle or a "well, what can you do?" He doesn't like to give his opinion unless he thinks people are asking for it, and people have told me it makes him seem judgmental. It's funny, because he's trying to be the exact opposite kind of person.

I think too many people expect someone to be extremely happy and open just because you're having a conversation. Maybe I've spent a lot of time with my brother's crazy-mellow friends, but someone not smiling, not enthusiastic, but still clearly engaged is no problem for me. I'm all for being happy, but what's wrong with being calm and even and saving smiles for when you really mean it?

 

[drawn_inward]

Here's my two cents since I do deal with a lot of the same issues:

Actually listening to what they have to say instead of nervously trying to come up with something to say is really key. I do this all the time. I am too worried/excited about the social interaction that I sometimes don't hear a word that they're saying. I try to keep turning the conversation about them unless they ask a specific question about me or if I have an interesting story (that is directly related to the topic).

When I need to ask someone a question, I try to not to just ask how someone is doing, and instead try to ask a specific question. How's the knitting going? Have you gone fishing lately? Etc And, then ask what I came to ask. It's like mini-conversation practice.

I also tend to go off on my own in social environments. I try to make myself sit in the center or join other tables on purpose. It sucks at first, but I generally end up enjoy it later.

This is all easier said than done.