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Dear Dave, Jay and Halforums in general,

You may remember that post I made about that girl that was all up ons but then it seemed like she wasnt. I need, to finally end this, to tell her I have liked her and have her plainly tell me she doesn't like me (or maybe, as that little part of me that refuses to die until she has says that, she'll say it's mutual, I dunno)

I remember the board's suggestions about how to tell her. Find a public space. Make it casual. Etc etc.

Every time I tried to do that, (let's go have ice-cream or whatever) she couldn't. But, today, in a completely impulsive way, I asked her if she'd like to come have dinner with me and watch Blade Runner.

She agreed to do it tomorrow, today was impossible for her.

Now what?

The setting isn't right, and If I tell her at the beginning, it may ruin the night... If I do it at the end, she may end up like the other time and be so tired she didn't want to listen to me.
What do I do? How do I not ruin the night? Your advice in my previous threads has been awesome, and I ask you for help again.

O mighty forums, what do I do??


Thanks a lot!

C.

(There's also a small detail... she works with little kids and... she currently has head lice. Even if it would be funny if it worked out, we kissed and I got cooties, It's... kinda disgusting, really. Are there any pre-emptive liquids or whatever I could use?)

1) Cancel if you can and save yourself a headache.

2) ew to the lice

3) if you must, do it after the movie. Don't let her tell you she's too tiered to talk, just say it and accept whatever answer she gives you.

honestly? you are screwed in every which way

I personally think it would be "cruel" to invite her to see a movie at your place and then give her the friend speech and she will "revenge" against you with head lice.

If you wait for the perfect setting to talk, you may end up waiting a long time. Isn't waiting what got you in this snafu to begin with? Also, I wouldn't be fretting over not ruining the evening. Is your goal to get a definitive answer, or to have a pleasant evening? It'd be nice to have both, but I think getting the one is a priority over the other. It's going to be awkward any which way, so you might as well get it over with so you can move on with your life. As the saying goes, nothing to it but to do it.

Uh... maybe just don't watch the movie, have some food and tell her.

The situation isn't ideal, but it probably never will be.

Just fuckin' do it.

women love it when you ambush them... /sarcasm

Like drifter said, Decide if you want to have a good time, or a confrontation.

Can I give you a bit of opposite sex perspective? I've had these evenings happen a few times, and in each case it was painful. So, assuming you have a car, take her to a coffee shop first spill the beans, and get it over with. The setting is soooo not right at home for this. You're talking sitcom level disaster situation. Make it a public place or just cancel it.

If you do decide to have a dinner with a film at your house, then dear god don't bring it up. Use the evening to gauge her feelings and plan the Confession for another time.

Man, why the hell didn't she want to go have some ice cream with me... :S

Keep em' going though, this advice flow is helping me think.

Read up on head lice, get a kit, and offer to delouse her.

Works for the apes, might work for you...

Personally, I don't see a need for a "confession." Go out with her. Have a good time. See if she's interested in going out again. If so, great, keep going out.

It'll either work out, or it won't, and the best part is that it'll all happen on its own.

The issue here is that if the feeling was mutual already, she would have made time to go out with you all the prior times you've asked. Since she hasn't jumped at any chance to be with you, then you already know the answer - the feeling is not mutual.

If you confess your love and expect a response right away, then the answer will be, as you should very well expect by her actions up to now, "No, I don't feel the same way." Then where do you go from there?

Instead, go out with her when you have the opportunity, get to know her, let her have a chance to get to know you, and if you're lucky then she will develop those feelings for you. If not, then it will become obvious that a relationship won't work out, and you can part as friends without ever having the terribly awkward, "I love you, do you love me?" talk that more likely than not will ruin any chances you currently have.

-Adam

---------- Post added at 06:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:43 PM ----------

Silver Jelly said:

I need, to finally end this, to tell her I have liked her and have her plainly tell me she doesn't like me

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Look, I don't think there's a way to put this gently, but this is not a mature way to deal with the feelings you have. In grade school it's acceptable to pass the note to her that says, "I LIKE YOU DO YOU LIKE ME? CIRCLE YES OR NO." You can't do that (at this stage of the relationship) and expect to get anything useful out of it.

Best case is that she's brutally honest and tells you that you're a great guy, but she's not attracted to you in the same way.

Worst case is that she leads you on because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, in the vain hope that maybe she can deflect you later, or that you'll go away if she ignores your advances hard enough.

Go, have fun, enjoy this opportunity to be close to her, and most importantly, be yourself. If you two are compatible, then a relationship can develop. Dropping the "CHECK YES OR NO" bomb is simply going to backfire, regardless of when you drop it.

-Adam

First Lady Puffinstuff said:

Read up on head lice, get a kit, and offer to delouse her.

Works for the apes, might work for you...

Personally, I don't see a need for a "confession." Go out with her. Have a good time. See if she's interested in going out again. If so, great, keep going out.

It'll either work out, or it won't, and the best part is that it'll all happen on its own.

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THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

No, I'm pretty sure the worst case is her setting him on fire and kicking his face in.

Regardless, I hope the report will follow soon.

You can do it before the movie, if there is a movie at all. It may ruin the night, yes, but so what? Isn't telling her this your actual objective?

But man, forget this, first and foremost I agree with the sentiment that doing this at your house is a bit... I dunno how to put it, unfair? to her*. Try to do it someplace else or just treat the night like a date or a night with a friend, and leave it for some other day :/ Anyway, just assess the situation as you go, depending on her reactions you may want to do one thing or another.

(You can call me tomorrow, though I can't guarantee I'll have reception on my cellphone during the whole day)

*I think it's something pretty different if the focus of what you want to tell her is not on 'I like you' but on 'I might need some distance before we get as close again, but I still want to be friends'. It is something constructive that gives the night, or the conversation even, somewhere to go if she doesn't reciprocate.

If she was interested, she would have been more available. Don't make the confession, it will be embarassing for you, awkward for her, and ruin the night. You already know the answer.

I have to agree with what Adam said.

I asked her if she wanted to go to a restaurant before going to my place to watch the movie and she accepted.

So, public space it is!

Im not sure your hearing us.From what I read your already too long friends to just throw the "hey,Im attracted to you,lets hook up" speech and whatch what happens.At this stage your either a couple already or your in the "Friend Zone" (shudder).
Just enjoy her company,but if that prooves to painfull,just say "This aint gonna work,sorry.", and fade out.

LordRendar said:

Im not sure your hearing us.

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I am hearing you, and what you say is making me think. But that doesn't mean I'll simply go and do what you tell me.

Right now, I think I'm going to tell her and, if she says yes, then perfect, if she says no, I'll tell her I don't want to lose our friendship and that I may need some distance for a while but that this doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
And then we'll see if she wants to watch the movie or not.

It's not a good plan, I know I'm getting in a sticky situation, but it's something I need to get out of the system and finally kill this little hope I still have around my head and move on with my life. It may not be a good thing, and it clearly comes from my personal issues, but it's like this and I'd rather have an unconfortable evening than have more months of obsession and sadness over not getting over this situation.

If that is your decision,I wish you all the best.

Silver Jelly said:

It's not a good plan, I know I'm getting in a sticky situation, but it's something I need to get out of the system and finally kill this little hope I still have around my head and move on with my life. It may not be a good thing, and it clearly comes from my personal issues, but it's like this and I'd rather have an unconfortable evening than have more months of obsession and sadness over not getting over this situation.

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I agree wholeheartedly

LordRendar said:

If that is your decision,I wish you all the best.

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Thanks! I reread my answer and It may sound a little harsh, but I do really appreciate the advice you all are giving me. It's just that I in this bad emotional situation in the first place for doing exactly as people told me to do and I have finally decided to do more what I feel I need to do, even if the consequences may not be perfect or I'm destroying any chances at a relationship with her. I won't get the girl, but at least I'll know I did what I needed to and that whatever the result is, it will be because of me.

You did exactly as your somewhat dishonest RL friends told you in their misguided efforts to emotionally shield and shelter you.

Had you done what people on here told you previously, you'd have had an answer already.

NOW you're at an awkward place where even if she did like you, your "Hey, BTW, I like you" approach is going to bomb, plain and simple, if you turn it into a "will you be my girlfriend?". People don't like being put on the spot. If you were at all interested in pursuing a relationship with this person, you'd treat this as a starting over point. If you don't care whether you see her again and just need closure, then go do your thing.

So, when is/was the date?

Spoiler alert:
I'm sorry, but everything you've shared indicates this and only this. Maybe if you'd moved right away you'd have had a shot, but you missed it.

Wow, you're still with this? You're finally going to tell her how you feel? Here's an honest question, has she ever picked up the phone and asked YOU to do something with HER? Or has it always been you carrying this friendship?

She cancelled at the last moment. Some personal trouble. Or so she said.


I'll simply have to forget about her. U_U



Edit: Thanks for the advice!

OUCH. You really need to get over her.

STAT.

Unless she calls YOU to make plans, don't bother. If you ever bump into her, be curt and polite but give short answers. Don't ask about her or what she's doing, you don't need to know. Keep yourself busy drinking or eating or simply talking to other people. Take this as an opportunity to meet other women. Talk to them instead. You'll realize they are less of an effort.

Go out and have some real fun. Spy free.

Math242 said:

OUCH. You really need to get over her.

STAT.

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I agree. Her cancellation may suggest she thinks you're not getting the hint, and are possibly straying into creepy-unwanted attention territory. Which, to preserve your rep as a nice guy, you can't do. Let it go, and be civil, but definately put some distance between you two. She's not the One (Neo is the One, cause you know, anagram)

New plan, based on what you told me: I'll try to cut all real life contact with her, wich won't be difficult, and not beginning any virtual conversations with her, and I'll try to be civil and nice when she talks to me via facebook or e-mail (wich she has been doing frequently for about one month) but not too nice or too interested in her life.


And maybe I'll actively watch TV shows she liked, to get me out of the "I can't fucking watch tv because everything makes me think of her".
Wich means finishing BSG (she's a complete fanatic, even has a tatoo of some mandala that hasn't yeat appeared in the seasons I've watched). And Stargate. And Buffy. Fringe. X-files. Caprica. Twilight Zone. True Blood. And every other tv show on the face of earth that includes a paranormal or sci-fi element except for Star Trek. Doing so until it doesn't make me think of her.

About meeting girls or even having fun. i'm in a difficult time for that, (I'm running terribly late with my master's thesis) but I'll do what I can. Next week I'm going to Eurodisney with my family, (the only real "vacationing" I'll do this summer) I guess that'll be nice.

Thanks again, guys.

Keep at it SJ!

that made me smile

I will only argue 1 thing: I don't think the excuse was false, all things considered.

First off, I don't necessarily think the excuse was false.
Secondly, the reason you got in the problem listed was because you didn't follow the advice in the previous thread. Bad Jelly! :-P
Thirdly, suddenly telling her you don't want any contact any more or becoming "curt but polite" can be taken as an insult, or as you being mad at her, or whatever. It may still be better to tell her. "I think we need to get some distance between us and I can't hang out with you as often anymore, because I'm attracted to you in a way you aren't to me" may sound lame (and is crooked english :-p), but it's still plausible, a Good Thing to do, and honest with both yourself and her.

Silly Bubble...Spanish Jelly speaks spanish.
It would be crooked spanish!
SO much spanish...ii think i found my new fave word.

Hey, you aren't going out with this girl, who fucking cares how her feelings are. Jesus.

ThatGrinningIdiot! said:

Hey, you aren't going out with this girl, who fucking cares how her feelings are. Jesus.

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Yeah! People you aren't dating are worthless, and should be treated like shit at every opportunity!

Listen to the wolf!

ThatGrinningIdiot! said:

Hey, you aren't going out with this girl, who fucking cares how her feelings are?

Jesus!

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Quite the double meaning you've got going on there. Are you sure you're not trying to convert all of us surreptitiously?

-Adam

Bubble181 said:

First off, I don't necessarily think the excuse was false.

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Might not have been false but I don't think it's the reason she canceled. I say this because if you really want to do something it gets done. It might not be perfect you might only be able to see the movie on DVD or go alone or your friend's birthday party might be nothing more than you and him with a case of beer and a large pizza instead of a big party but it gets done. If something isn't improtant to you, calling your mother every week, putting your shoes in the right place without getting told it was never very important to you.

I can't say the particulars but since Silver didn't say that she had rescheduled the date or agreed to a less time intensive date it says to me that she used the family emergency as an excuse to get out of the date.

Secondly, the reason you got in the problem listed was because you didn't follow the advice in the previous thread. Bad Jelly! :-P

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Which is a real shame since there was some great advice in that thread. Predators and Scavengers was an amazing methaphor.

Thirdly, suddenly telling her you don't want any contact any more or becoming "curt but polite" can be taken as an insult, or as you being mad at her, or whatever. It may still be better to tell her. "I think we need to get some distance between us and I can't hang out with you as often anymore, because I'm attracted to you in a way you aren't to me" may sound lame (and is crooked english :-p), but it's still plausible, a Good Thing to do, and honest with both yourself and her.

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I'm with you. Suddenly cutting off the friendship is just going to confuse and muddy the issue. Being indecisive and not talking to her honestly and openly was what got you to this point Silver so you can't really go wrong with a different tack. Dealing with women openly and honestly has never steered me wrong with women. It's only when I tried to lie and hide things from women did I get really bad results.

Don't worry too much about hurting her feelings, IF it makes you feel better in the end. Altruism has its places, but in this situation just do whatever makes you feel better in the long run. If that means cutting off ties, whatever, it puts you in a better place. Going back to the post I made before, you and you alone are responsible for your happiness, and the same can be said of her.

But remember, the LONG RUN is an important word there. Being a dick to her may make you feel better temporarilly, but you will regret it later. On the other hand, if you just get a little distance, then who cares. Just stop calling her/texting her/whatever. Make her come to you. If she does then deal with that when it comes. Maybe you could hang out, maybe not. Also, go to a strip club every once in a while. Always helps me. Not really sure where that ties in, but its a solution for damned near everything, up to and including bot flies.

Knowing when you have lost, and accepting it, is a big part of becoming a better person. Refusing to accept defeat can be good, but being in denial about it isn't.

Necronic said:

Don't worry too much about hurting her feelings, IF it makes you feel better in the end. Altruism has its places, but in this situation just do whatever makes you feel better in the long run. If that means cutting off ties, whatever, it puts you in a better place. Going back to the post I made before, you and you alone are responsible for your happiness, and the same can be said of her.

But remember, the LONG RUN is an important word there. Being a dick to her may make you feel better temporarilly, but you will regret it later. On the other hand, if you just get a little distance, then who cares. Just stop calling her/texting her/whatever. Make her come to you. If she does then deal with that when it comes. Maybe you could hang out, maybe not. Also, go to a strip club every once in a while. Always helps me. Not really sure where that ties in, but its a solution for damned near everything, up to and including bot flies.

Knowing when you have lost, and accepting it, is a big part of becoming a better person. Refusing to accept defeat can be good, but being in denial about it isn't.

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Yay Strip clubs!!

More advice columns should advocate strip clubs.

Null said:

More advice columns should advocate strip clubs.

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Today would be a good day for (............*) to have a strip club.


*insert name of local small town.