When to Propose?

[Unregistered]

It seems weird to ask a bunch of strangers this, but it would feel weirder asking my friends and none of my friends are married anyways.

Anyhoo, here is a quick history: we've been dating for nine months and it things have been getting better all of the time. Each day we fall more in love with each other. I've past all of the "tests": her family loves me, her friends love me and I've even been made an honorary Uncle by her niece and nephew. We like just hanging out with each other being low key, but we also like to go out and dance or go on an adventure or just something fun. We click on every level. She is smart, amazing with a great smile and laugh. And the sex is amazing (as a side job, she sells sex toys )

Now I recognize that there is a decent chance that I am still in the "New Relationship Phase" where everything is fun and exciting. We haven't had a fight or a disagreement that we couldn't talk our way into a solution. So I am not looking to jump into this headfirst. We are going to live together in two months when my lease runs out (I have a roommate right now that I won't leave hanging). I want to see how compatible we are in a living situation. I want her to meet my family (they are on the opposite coast). I want to be sure.

However, I also don't want to string this relationship along. She doesn't deserve that. I don't like it.

So I am hoping to get some basic advice/guidelines on when I will recognize that the time is right. My initial thought is next summer when her lease is up and we are looking for a place together. If we can get through that smoothly and just as in love as we are now, I think that timing is right. Also, we both would want a wedding in warm weather, so it would give us a year to figure out the details if she said yes.

I guess since that I've never done it before (and I don't want to do it twice) I am a bit apprehensive.

P.S. Yes, I know I am also probably over-thinking this.

 

[Chibibar]

This is what I recommend.
Disclaimer: The following stems from my personal experience and what I have observe around my friends. Results may varies.

1. I highly recommend you live to together for a little bit FIRST! Why? You be surprise the reason people break up with another person. Each one of us has a little quirks here and there that normally don't "tell" or "think about telling cause they don't think about it" to their significant other (SO). Maybe you will hate the way she wakes up in the morning or steals your covers etc etc.

2. Are you at the level that you are comfortable to share any secrets with your SO? note I said, comfortable, not "tell her everything" There is a difference. We all have skeletons in our closets and some can make or break a relationship. You be surprise what people break up with each other over. One of my friends almost got divorce because of money. I know it is a silly reason, but you be surprise how lack of money, too much money, or where the money is coming from can effect a relationship. So be prepare to learn each other secrets. This will leads to
2A. Are you willing to share your secrets with your SO? This is a bit different than 2 because some secrets are best not telling others (not sure what but that is your decision) you be surprise how some secrets can cause a relationship to "blow up" My wife and I go with the idea of no secrets. I tell her all my dark stuff, my past, my fetishes and what not. She accepts me for what I am and we are happy (10 years total now. 5 years dating + 5 years married. We lived together 2 years before married) Again. this is up to you.

3. Patience remember that you may have some quirks she may tolerate you, but when you live together, there is no more "facade" and you are dealing with that person almost 24/7 (depending on situation) but basically all the time. Can you handle that? remember that marriage is serious business and you should consider it carefully.

That is just my point of view.

 

[HCGLNS]

You can propose when you have unshakable faith that she is the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, enduring all that it entails, the highs, the lows, the sorrows and success, the tragedies and the brilliance that life has to offer.

When you propose is when you believe in your heart that she feels the same way.

It's different for each person, but the core of feelings remains the same. In my own family, I married my wife less than three years after meeting her, yet my sister married her husband after nine years of knowing each other.

Good luck.

PS: learn about the 4 C's

 

[Piotyr]

PS: learn about the 4 C's

Color, Cut, Clarity, and Cockblocks.

 

[Adam]

I would suggest proposing before you get married. Other than that, no real advice.

 

[Piotyr]

The only serious thing I have to say is to make sure you are prepared to commit to this person for the rest of your life. Relationships are about love, but marriages are about commitment above all.

 

[ElJuski]

Get into a real argument first. And maybe wait more than 9 months, but then again, I don't know your relationship. And asking people online is a terrible idea.

 

[MindDetective]

I got engaged after 9 months. We knew it would happen, so the only surprise in proposing was when and where. Have you and her already talked about marriage? Have you talked about kids? For me, the marriage was just a formalization of something we already had. If you are in the same position, then it is time to propose.

 

[Dave]

My wife and I married 6 months after we met. That was 17 years ago.

Go with your heart. If you want to propose, DO IT! If you have doubts - ANY DOUBTS - do not.

 

[North_Ranger]

Also, do not try to propose via having her find the ring in her chocolate mousse or champagne in a fancy restaurant. If she swallows it, your proposal story to your children will involve a trip to a hospital.

Other than that, I would only concur with the advice given. Live together a little, learn each other's quirks and learn to enjoy the humdrum as well as the highs. If you still feel the same way as you do now, go for it.

 

[Officer_Charon]

I definitely agree with the living together part, first. My wife and I never really had a chance to do this properly before I proposed, and in the subsequent years, we've found that we both can grate on each other's nerves something serious.

For that, there's communication. I know it's cliched, but when the beginnings of a spat begin with "what's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it just seems like you're mad, is all," then you should probably think about talking things out a bit, rather than sucking it up, all the time.

Also, compromise is not a cliche, either. (Yes, I just realised I'm probably reiterating the "4 c's" mentioned earlier.)

 

[Unregistered]

OP Here:

Thanks for all of the responses.

Chibibar She does know my secrets. The I went through a rough time for a few years and I did some things I wasn't proud of and I do have my personal demons. I told all of this so that she would understand me better and so that she is at least aware of how bad I can get. I worked really hard on overcoming all of that so they aren't really that apparent right now, but I don't want to hide anything. Being secretive is one of the reasons I was having so many issues in the first place, so I am not doing that again. She actually knows me better than anyone else, truth be told.

HCGLNS I have a nearly unshakeable faith that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She makes me a better person and raises me up when I am feeling down and I do the same with her.

MindDetective It is almost a weird formality at this point. We've discussed kids, buying a house, moving to another state, long term stuff. And we agree on it. Hell, we even discussed the 'would she take my last name' issue.

Dave My heart says yes, but my brain is telling me to wait. I've nearly proposed to her almost every day I see her on the spur of the moment.

Officer_Charon Because of my experiences, I believe in open communication. I almost always let her know what is on my mind. Frankly, I am tired of all of the passive-aggressive communication I've dealt with in my life, so I am not going to fall into that with the woman I love.

I think I am going to stick with my original plan and move in first and see how all of our stuff "meshes". When I make the commitment of marriage, I intend to make it for life and I would hate to make a mistake and put her through that kind of heartbreak.