So, I won (divorce thread)

[Thread Necromancer]

Ok, the divorce isn't finalized and the whole story is way to damned long to share here (besides, a fair share of it has already been aired) but today we had a hearing for the separation and etc, establish custodianship of my children (to me) and her paying child support, etc.

I won.

Yet for some reason I'm lacking in enthusiasm and excitement. Partly I know how much she's hurt by this decision but I also know the only real reason that it had to come to all of this is because she didn't want to pay child support.... which I never wanted in the first place. The only thing I've ever wanted was to keep my children in my home.

So.... I have a lot of theories as to why I'm not excited about all of this, but yet I still think I should be.

.....

Any thoughts?

 

[Dave]

You know that something that was once beautiful and healthy has died. That would sadden anyone. You know that you are hurting the woman that you love(d) and that saddens you. You know that the kids are in the middle of this and even though it's not they probably think they did something - it's what kids do. That saddens you.

There are usually no winners in a divorce. I'm sorry for your loss, man.

 

[drawn_inward]

Damn, buddy. Keep your chin up. Hope things get better!

Divorce: No matter who wins, we all lose.

 

[Shannow]

There are usually no winners in a divorce.

What are you talking about? I got all those great gifts and presents from both my parents trying to buy my love after the divorce!!

 

[Dave]

There are usually no winners in a divorce.

What are you talking about? I got all those great gifts and presents from both my parents trying to buy my love after the divorce!![/QUOTE]

There are usually no winners in a divorce, unless you are a shallow, self-centered child who loves to play both ends against the middle for personal gain, no matter who you hurt along the way.

Better?

 

[Adam]

There are usually no winners in a divorce.

What are you talking about? I got all those great gifts and presents from both my parents trying to buy my love after the divorce!![/QUOTE]

There are usually no winners in a divorce, unless you are a shallow, self-centered child who loves to play both ends against the middle for personal gain, no matter who you hurt along the way.

Better?[/QUOTE]

Pretty sure the lawyers always win.

 

[Shannow]

There are usually no winners in a divorce.

What are you talking about? I got all those great gifts and presents from both my parents trying to buy my love after the divorce!![/quote]

There are usually no winners in a divorce, unless you are a shallow, self-centered child who loves to play both ends against the middle for personal gain, no matter who you hurt along the way.

Better?[/quote]

Pretty sure the lawyers always win.[/QUOTE]

Win freaking win!

 

[Kitty Sinatra]

Pretty sure the lawyers always win.

Man I really should've been a divorce lawyer. With all that access to newly single, vulnerable cougars it wouldn't just be a win, it'd be a blowout.

 

[Adam]

Pretty sure the lawyers always win.

Man I really should've been a divorce lawyer. With all that access to newly single, vulnerable cougars it wouldn't just be a win, it'd be a blowout.[/QUOTE]

Having been around multiple cougar-aged divorcees, I will say with no reservation that you couldn't pay me enough money to have to deal with them professionally on this issue. Working next to them is bad enough sometimes.

 

[Kitty Sinatra]

Yeah, I can believe that's the case. I mean, their husbands are leaving them for a reason, right?

 

[Adam]

Yeah, I'm sure that's the case. I mean, their husbands are leaving them for a reason, right?

Well, of the three 45+ year old women (Fine looking females I might add) that are recently divorced in my office, all three of their husbands decided that they wanted a nice young female to play with - hence the divorce.

The girlfriends didn't last long so now there are 6 unhappy people floating around.

 

[Gusto]

There are usually no winners in a divorce.

What are you talking about? I got all those great gifts and presents from both my parents trying to buy my love after the divorce!![/QUOTE]

 

[strawman]

I won.

That just means that the ruling was in your favor. You actually didn't "win" anything, you just lost less than you might have lost.

Yet for some reason I'm lacking in enthusiasm and excitement.

It is, unfortunately, a zero sum game. Whatever you got is something she didn't get, and whatever she got is something you didn't get. It's not like "winning" a board game, or a state championship.

Due to the fighting involved you're going to experience a let-down of sorts (not unlike depression) for a (hopefully) short period of time. It's not just emotional, but the adrenalin rush that you've been in and out of every time you had to deal with or think about it is no longer going to be the same.

You'll adjust.

If you really do want that winning feeling become a narcissist.

 

[Bubble181]

It's a good thing you got the ruling in your favour, but, well, as others have said - it can't actually be a really good thing... try to feel better quick and remember it's probably all for the best.

 

[Tinwhistler]

I congratulate you on your win, even if you don't feel exactly enthusiastic about it.

 

[Thread Necromancer]

I congratulate you on your win, even if you don't feel exactly enthusiastic about it.

I'll be honest here Tin, you were the one person I would hope that would reply. I remember when you "won" your case against your ex. I know you were happy with it, especially with doing it yourself and not having a lawyer (yes, I have a good memory), but I was wondering if at the same time you still had your own insight or experience as to why it wasn't necessarily a gratifying situation.

For me, it's like Dave and others have said. It's a shit as situation. I wouldn't change it, not now. As for the C***t of an ex that I have, I wouldn't even consider taking her back if it meant my life. But still, my children will hate me for this. I don't want the money. I don't even want to be mean, I just want to cut loose from her entirely. But yet, this is the only way I can really protect my children and myself.

*sigh*

......

and for the record, thank you (and everyone) for the congrats and their input. truly there are no winners in divorce except for the lawyers, and the biggest losers are the children.

 

[Tinwhistler]

well, you can't paint all situations with one brush.

My ex-wife was practically non-existent when we were married. She lived in her room, taking meals at her desk, and practically never coming out. I once made an effort to not make small talk (not say "hi" to the back of her head when I came home from work, not talk about what the dinner plan, etc) to see how long it would be before she actually talked to me...it was measured in days, not hours. In the 8 years between when my son was born and when I divorced her, she gave him exactly one bath. One.

Things are different now. Now that she's a part-time mom, she actually does more with him on visitations than she had ever done when she was living here. She's taken him camping, and to lots of fun family things. She plays video games and board games with him, when I used to be the one who would do it 90% of the time because she was 'busy' reading slash. I think her losing her marriage and losing custody was a great big wake up call that 'hey, your life is slipping by'. And with her paying child support, she supports him more financially than she did when she was here too.

In my case, it's a win for me and my son. For her, probably not so much, because she lost the meal ticket--she surely can't afford to jet-set around to anime conventions all around the country several times a year any more. But I'm a lot less concerned about that.

Think about if the shoe were on the other foot. If she split up with you, and sued for child support, and you were fine with giving her custody but you just didn't want to pay child support, you'd be seen as a deadbeat dad. You know, one of those dads who thinks the money is more important than the kids.

My ex and I had a few arguments about child support. But I told her the same thing women tell men: It's her kid too, and it's her obligation to help raise him, with both her time and her money. And trust me, the little she pays in child support doesn't begin to cover even a third of his expenses.

 

[Siska]

Not sure if this is correct, but it's what I have "heard".

You don't actually have the right to turn down child support. If you two agree on her paying nothing, your children can sue her for unpaid support when they are old enough. Sounds a bit hyperbolish, so I am really not sure if this is just internet fiction.

But regardless, you should accept child support. Even if it's just the minimum amout. It's for the children, not a payoff to you. If you don't want her dirty handouts, just put it in a trust fund for your kids or something.

 

[Tinwhistler]

In Texas, child support is part of the 'standard' divorce decree. There is a very specific formula they use to calculate it, based on the non-custodial parent's income. A judge will pretty much rubber stamp a standard decree put before him or her.

If you wish to deviate outside of that (including, for instance, no child support at all), you would have to convince the judge that it's in the best interests of the child...not the best interests of the non-custodial parent. It'd be a pretty hard sell to convince a judge that a child would be better off receiving less money for support.

 

[Sldghmr]

I'm glad you won your case. The important thing is the children, and it will be best for them in the long run if you are a little better off financially because of the support.

My own divorce is now 20 years behind me, our 2 children now just getting started in their own adult lives (one son in college, the other graduated and now working). My ex-wife had been cheating on me until she thought she was ready to leave me and marry her boyfriend, and without getting into too many details, it was both hurtful and insulting going through that. I was left pretty disgusted with that woman, and once the divorce was over, I wanted nothing to do with her, ever.

But, when you have children together, that just isn't possible. After all those years of visits back and forth, sitting together at parent-teacher conferences, sporting events, school plays, etc. I still have to deal with her constantly, as we work together to get them through college and job searches, and I'm sure there's weddings and grandchildren that will still cause us to hang around together. It's been long enough that I don't get angry to be around her anymore, but I would not say I enjoy it. There's a lot of bad memories.

So, I would say you may also feel a little down right now because you would like nothing more than for this to be over and done, but it really isn't going to end. You're going to be stuck dealing with her time and time again, over the years.

I'll say to you: the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. Eventually, you both kind of get to a point where you have to be around each other for events with the kids, but treat each other like you would some random guest you've just been introduced to: exchanging formal greetings and moving on to talk with others without thinking about it.

 

[Chibibar]

While I congrat on the "win" I have to agree with many that for the kids sake, I hope you don't lose contact with their mother.

I know it sounds "bad" since you want nothing from her, but at the same time, kids may need their mother for whatever reasons. Also, this help reinforce to the kids it is NOT their fault (you be surprise how many kids actually believe it is all their fault) talk with your kids and be there for them and help them grow.

I would also say never speak ill of your ex in front of the kids. It won't go well.

My mother divorce my real father years ago when I was 5 or 6. It was hard time and I hardly see my father. I regret not able to hang out with him before he died (when I was 13) but my step dad has been a good person and I consider him my father. (he did raise me all these years and support me)

but the point is that during all that time, my mother never spoke ill of my father. She might mention his temper (like mine being as bad sometimes) but never spoke ill. I respect that and I don't see my father in a bad light (or mix info) when I did get to visit my dad when he was alive (Dallas to Chicago) he never spoke ill of my mother either. Which is good.