Love him or hate him, Chuck Lorre is a genius.

[Dave]

Who's Chuck Lorre, you ask? Writer/Producer of such shows as "Two and a Half Men" and "Big Bang Theory". But that's not what makes him a genius.

I know most of us watch at least one of these shows. Ever paused it right after end credits? There's a screen (usually white with black text) with just the most random thoughts you'd ever want to see. And they are almost always funny as hell.

You can find most of them here but some of my favorites are:

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #274

I have coined a new word which I'm hoping will catch on. The word is \"fuv.\" Fuv came about due to my frustration with the phrase, \"making love,\" specifically its inability to capture the wonderfully lusty, grunting nature of the act. I was also unsatisfied with the mono-syllabic Anglo-Saxon word commonly used to describe intercourse. That word failed miserably at describing the deep spiritual and emotional bonding that can occur during sex. But now with my new word, couples engaged in that most intimate of human activities can look into one another's eyes (assuming they're facing one another) and whisper the simple, all-encapsulating phrase, \"I fuv you.\" And yes, they can do all that while listening to my new album of remakes of classic pop hits, including, \"If Fuving You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right,\" \"I Feel Like Making Fuv,\" and the immortal, \"Come Rain or Come Shine\" featuring the lyric, \"I'm gonna fuv you, like nobody's fuved you.\"

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #270

Jillian had a urinary tract infection... again.

That sentence appeared in my head a few days ago, just as you see it above. I have no idea what it means, other than the obvious, and I don't know anyone named Jillian. Regardless, I thought it'd be interesting to begin a vanity card with it and just see where it goes.

Jillian had a urinary tract infection... again. Her doctor liked to abbreviate the condition to UTI. She liked to abbreviate it to TMH - Too Much Humping. Regardless, the road back to vaginal happiness was always the same: cranberry juice and abstinence. Thankfully, her boyfriend, Dudley, was always very understanding. He'd just smile, hold her in his arms and say, \"Well, babe, when one door closes, another one opens up.\" She'd always giggle and blush when he'd say that, but deep down she wished she had the courage to cover his mouth and nose with a chloroform-soaked rag, and then, while he was unconscious, snip off his testicles with the little scissors she uses to groom her schnauzer.

All of which explains why the next sentence popped into my head recently.

Nobody sang Bee Gees songs on karaoke night like Dudley.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #131

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SISTER
Dear Joan,

I was a little thrown by our recent phone call in which you told me you had gone online to read some of my vanity cards and were now concerned about my emotional well-being. Based on your reading of a few cards, you felt I clearly had anger issues I needed to deal with. You were also kind enough to remind me that there are many things in my life I should be grateful for. When I put the phone down I was, no surprise, angry. Did my sister, my only sibling, and my last surviving immediate family member call me to say the show was funny last night? Nope. She called to point out that her baby brother was an emotionally retarded ingrate. Well, Joan, I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that your assessment of me is absolutely correct.

love ya,
Chuck

P.S. I look forward to reading your response to this letter in one of your vanity cards at the end of the hit TV show you created.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #40 REDUX

The following is an old vanity card that I thought was worth running again. Once upon a time there was a wave. The name of the wave was, no surprise, Dave. Dave the wave. Dave was a big, powerful wave. His massive blue body surged across the surface of the ocean with great majesty and deceptive speed. Oh yes, Dave was quite a wave. From the moment he rose up from the ocean he felt special. He felt invincible. Ferocious storms battered him with wind and rain, great ships sliced through his very heart, and yet he rolled on. It was not for him to stop and consider the other waves. To stop was to die. Waves have to keep moving...or else. But then one day Dave saw a strange darkness on the horizon and, for the first time in his life, felt fear. What could it be? Was it connected to the laughing creature sliding across his face on a piece of wood? But before he could make sense of it all, he crashed down into darkness. For a brief moment he felt a weird, splashing feeling, then oblivion. Dave was no more. He was now a part of the sea. And as we all know, the sea loves to make waves.

 

[Espy]

I'm sorry Dave, no one who writes or has anything to do with "Two and a Half Men" is capable of being funny. This must be a lie.

 

[Dave]

I like that show.

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

I always pause on this screen to read it when I watch Big Bang Theory. It owns.

 

[Dave]

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #158

I am continually surprised that someone could posit a supreme being, a timeless, primal source from which all things emanate, every living creature and every inert piece of matter, every sub-atomic particle and every galaxy, and then insist that such an ineffability could take sides, declaring that it takes one person, or group of persons, over another. But then again, I am continually surprised that someone could be fascinated by American Idol.

This is comedy GOLD, I tells ya!

 

[Covar]

I like both shows. I don't watch Two and a Half Men regularly though. Big Bang Theory and HIMYM are the best parts of my Mondays.

My new HDTV makes reading those cards so much easier. I love them.

 

[sixpackshaker]

I actually watched BBT last night and noticed the title card, and thought about pausing it to read, but decided against it.

2&1/2 Men is the best comedy on TV, it continually pulls in the highest ratings.

 

[Espy]

I like that show.

I tried to watch it a few times, I like Charlie Sheen but... I couldn't... it bored me to tears.
But then again, I'm listening to Journey so I really don't have any room to talk.

 

[sixpackshaker]

I like that show.

And I'm listening to Journey so I really don't have any room to talk. [/QUOTE]

OK, what is it with college aged kids liking Journey nowadays? This sports bar I go to has "Don't Stop Believing" on the JukeBox, and the darned kids keep playing and singing along to this crap song. The only thing I can think of is its connection to The Soprano's.

 

[Espy]

I like that show.

And I'm listening to Journey so I really don't have any room to talk. [/QUOTE]

OK, what is it with college aged kids liking Journey nowadays? This sports bar I go to has "Don't Stop Believing" on the JukeBox, and the darned kids keep playing and singing along to this crap song. The only thing I can think of is its connection to The Soprano's.[/QUOTE]

Not being college aged I could not tell you.

 

[klew]

Or its recent popularity due to the FOX show, Golden Globe-winning Glee. Maybe it's like High School Musical for college kids.

 

[Bowielee]

Or its recent popularity due to the FOX show, Golden Globe-winning Glee. Maybe it's like High School Musical for college kids.

BINGO, that is exactly the reason for it's resurgence in popularity. Most of those kids couldn't name another Journey song without a search engine.

 

[Espy]

You know what? When Glee does "Wheel in the Sky" I will be impressed.

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

It also was in the iconic final scene of The Sopranos, and was part of a big joke on Family Guy, and even before Glee it was one of the most-famous songs of all time?

And Glee isn't really high school musical for college kids.

 

[Baerdog]

Or its recent popularity due to the FOX show, Golden Globe-winning Glee. Maybe it's like High School Musical for college kids.

BINGO, that is exactly the reason for it's resurgence in popularity. Most of those kids couldn't name another Journey song without a search engine.[/QUOTE]
Only the Young
Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin
Any Way You Want It


<--- junior in college, no Google required

 

[Bowielee]

Or its recent popularity due to the FOX show, Golden Globe-winning Glee. Maybe it's like High School Musical for college kids.

BINGO, that is exactly the reason for it's resurgence in popularity. Most of those kids couldn't name another Journey song without a search engine.[/QUOTE]
Only the Young
Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin
Any Way You Want It


<--- junior in college, no Google required[/QUOTE]

That's why I said MOST, Mr Smartypants

 

[CynicismKills]

Uhhhhhhhhh yeah Don't Stop Believin' is one of the biggest "bar songs" ever. There's a reason it, Freebird and Sweet Home Alabama are on pretty much every jukebox in existence. Journey in general was played more at bars I frequented than anything else, save for country music. This also includes the bar I worked in for almost 4 years.