So, there's this girl...

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ThatNickGuy

ThatNickGuy

Dave, you of course know that I've started seeing this girl, lately. And she is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

In fact, I've not felt this emotionally or intellectually attracted to someone in a very long time. One look in her eyes and suddenly I'm lost. We've only been on two dates and already, it feels like we've known each other longer.

However, there's one issue that...well, I'm not sure IF it's an issue: she's a bit overweight. Not larger than me (and I'm a relatively big guy) and I can still wrap my arms around her entirely, but she is a little bigger than I'm used to dating.

While I'm, by far, not a fitness guru, I do try to stay in shape. I do yoga, I jog, I eat healthy. She...does little to none of these things. Part of it is due to her depression (something that honestly attracts me to her more) and I'm thinking that if she continues to date someone who's active, she'd be open to the lifestyle as well.

I feel like a total, shallow person, honestly. This is the first time I've ever encountered this. Usually, it's a physical attraction first for me, until I get to know them. But with this girl...she's....well, as I said, I'm really attracted to her in every other way but this.

What do you think?
 
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darkangel6988

I'm not Dave but I get what your saying....Beauty is skin deep but let's be realistic ....Beauty has to be both ways really !
I don't think your shallow at all....To be honest as a fitness guru lol I'd be going nuts doing everything to get her to hop on my boat ! if anything not even for weight but for her depression .

I suffer with alot of anxiety and I work out so much yes to look good and have a great bod but more importantly for my anxiety. It helps anxiety and it also helps with my stomach issues I have ....It just all around helps everything !

Maybe you could suggest a light activity that involves excercise such as a game of catch at a really cool park , or a nice long walk where yall can talk and be active. I think you should give those things a try and see if she's interested in partaking in excercise. Maybe Raquetball or just something fun that she likes and you can tell her it helps improve your mood greatly rather then make it appear your doing it because she is slightly overweight.

I dont know if anything I'm typing makes sense but if you care about her that much for what she offers intellectually and for what she has on the inside ...I think it's a worth a try to see if she's willing to do active activities with you and if she really has no interest and you really aren't attracted to her in the end then maybe she's not the right girl.

It's still early I wish you the best of luck who knows maybe she just needs a buddy to do fun active things with and you could be that bud :) Hope I helped in some way!

And hell when ur depressed it's hard to get started ......If you help her start who knows it could get her fit and cure her depression . She'd feel great about herself and her endorphins would provide a better mood!

---------- Post added at 10:52 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:48 AM ----------

Ok now i feel bad for answering Dave's question.......But i can't help myself if the word excercise, over weight or fitness is involved. So i truly apologize I just hope i gave good advice lol! FEel free to step in here at any time Dave!
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Dear Nick,

If you love her for who she is, fuck everyone else. I don't suggest you suggest ANY kind of workout as it sends entirely the wrong message. If the attraction is there who cares how much she weighs? If you feel guilty being "a relatively big guy" then you can work out all you want. But don't force it on her.

Don't date her if you want her to change.

I hope that helps and she sounds like a GREAT gal!
 
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Chibibar

Dave said:
Dear Nick,

If you love her for who she is, fuck everyone else. I don't suggest you suggest ANY kind of workout as it sends entirely the wrong message. If the attraction is there who cares how much she weighs? If you feel guilty being "a relatively big guy" then you can work out all you want. But don't force it on her.

Don't date her if you want her to change.

I hope that helps and she sounds like a GREAT gal!
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I have to agree with Dave. Do not try to change your partner (works both ways) The moment you try to "change" them to fit your view, bad things will happen.
 
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darkangel6988

ok I didnt mean to say force it on her......he said enjoy that lifestyle....I meant it more in reference to help her depression rather then weight before anyone starts thinking I'm superficial !

i agree with what dave says as well but getting her out to do a fun active activity wouldnt only benefit her in many other ways aside weight ! and If he enjoys active activities then suggesting she partake in it with him isn't wrong ! That's what i meant . Geez lol !
 
Espy

Espy

I agree with all of you. Don't try to force anything but people dealing with depression can really benefit from a more active lifestyle. If she's gonna be with you it probably means doing stuff you like and if some of that is active... well then it can only be good for both of you! :)
 
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Chibibar

darkangel6988 said:
ok I didnt mean to say force it on her......he said enjoy that lifestyle....I meant it more in reference to help her depression rather then weight before anyone starts thinking I'm superficial !

i agree with what dave says as well but getting her out to do a fun active activity wouldnt only benefit her in many other ways aside weight ! and If he enjoys active activities then suggesting she partake in it with him isn't wrong ! That's what i meant . Geez lol !
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no worry mate. I didn't think you meant it that way. I'm just saying as a general rule for the OP that don't try to change the person.

Getting into active lifestyle can be fun if both enjoy it (best way) but don't say anything about the weight and stuff.
 
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darkangel6988

Chibibar;347107][QUOTE=darkangel6988 said:
ok I didnt mean to say force it on her......he said enjoy that lifestyle....I meant it more in reference to help her depression rather then weight before anyone starts thinking I'm superficial !

i agree with what dave says as well but getting her out to do a fun active activity wouldnt only benefit her in many other ways aside weight ! and If he enjoys active activities then suggesting she partake in it with him isn't wrong ! That's what i meant . Geez lol !
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no worry mate. I didn't think you meant it that way. I'm just saying as a general rule for the OP that don't try to change the person.

Getting into active lifestyle can be fun if both enjoy it (best way) but don't say anything about the weight and stuff.[/QUOTE]

No no I agree never hurt someone's feelings by telling them about weight....I meant more for depression though cuz i know with anxiety it's insanely helpful ...Even a light walk . I agree don't change a person ur right that will just build a wedge in between one another and then it will fall apart. Glad you didn't think i meant it that way I really didn't wanna come off superficial hehe :)
 
Wahad

Wahad

Nick, allow me to give you some advice as a guy who since recently (almost three months now) is in a healthy relationship with an overweight girl.

All you can do is support her. If she wants to be slimmer for you, great! But don't make her exercise. I inadvertently pushed my girl into exercising. She broke down crying when she couldn't complete the exercise because she had the idea that I expected her to be like a model. That's when I saw what I'd done wrong. We made up and ever since she hasn't been exercising, but I realize that I can't make her. And honestly, I don't mind, because she is the best girl in the entire world and I could care less that she's overweight. I'm still physically attracted to her, as well as emotionally and intellectually and however else. So be careful. Support her if she wants to do it herself, but don't force it on her. You might make a wrong move and waste it.

That said, she sounds like a great girl so I wish you the best, dude.
 
K

Kitty Sinatra

Really, dude? The guy himself has been suffering from Depression. Does it not even cross your mind to consider that he means he can relate more with her, or feel like he can share more with her? You really go straight to thinking he's some sort of weirdo, or whatever crap you're thinking that makes you ask that question with that tone? Dude.
 
M

makare

If you talk about healthy eating habits or getting fit for your own sake and share that with her I don't see any problem with it. It's a perfectly reasonable type of conversation to have and then maybe she will have an interest in it too. But yeah, never EVER mention weight. there is actually no beneficial way to bring it up. Even if you were saying "I love you so much you are the PERFECT weight" it's just going to end in tragedy because from then on she will wonder if she is maintaining the weight or why you care or whatever. Just never mention it. But talking about health in a vague way is good. I think.
 
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crono1224

I going to have to agree here, while getting in shape has its obvious rewards, outside of just looking better, it certainly can help with her depression, forcing or even pushing it on her may either send the wrong message. Best thing I can think of is eating healthy and getting her into that lifestyle, maybe do something active and ask if she wants to join. But if she is totally against working out and you are a huge fitness guy, then you may want to look at the relationship and question if this is the person you want to date.
 
Espy

Espy

Also: Talking about one's health can be a good thing, even if it's hard. You can do that without saying, "Hey, you're as fat as a whale!". Sometimes people need to be pushed in order to do something good for them and for those that love them.
 
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Kitty Sinatra

Then why would you phrase your question like that? With the "Um" to start, and the suggestion that you're asking a question a jerk would ask, it's just dripping with criticism.
 
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Chazwozel

ThatNickGuy said:
Dave, you of course know that I've started seeing this girl, lately. And she is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

In fact, I've not felt this emotionally or intellectually attracted to someone in a very long time. One look in her eyes and suddenly I'm lost. We've only been on two dates and already, it feels like we've known each other longer.

However, there's one issue that...well, I'm not sure IF it's an issue: she's a bit overweight. Not larger than me (and I'm a relatively big guy) and I can still wrap my arms around her entirely, but she is a little bigger than I'm used to dating.

While I'm, by far, not a fitness guru, I do try to stay in shape. I do yoga, I jog, I eat healthy. She...does little to none of these things. Part of it is due to her depression (something that honestly attracts me to her more) and I'm thinking that if she continues to date someone who's active, she'd be open to the lifestyle as well.

I feel like a total, shallow person, honestly. This is the first time I've ever encountered this. Usually, it's a physical attraction first for me, until I get to know them. But with this girl...she's....well, as I said, I'm really attracted to her in every other way but this.

What do you think?
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You should call her fatty fat fat fat. That should motivate here enough to hit the gym.
 
phil

phil

When she asks you if this makes her look fat, be sure to respond "no, but your huge ass does"

Then when she gets mad tell her she has no sense of humor and dump her.


Your question was how to crush her spirit, right? I kinda tl;dr'd it.
 
Rob King

Rob King

Gruebeard said:
Then why would you phrase your question like that? With the "Um" to start, and the suggestion that you're asking a question a jerk would ask, it's just dripping with criticism.
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I never took that from the 'um,' but then I have been known to miss things.
 
ThatNickGuy

ThatNickGuy

I'd like to clarify that I have NO intention of pushing anything on her. I guess my ideal situation is that it inspires or motivates her to do the same. Or maybe suggest more active things to do, like going ice skating down at the Harbourfront. She also doesn't know how to cook and I love cooking healthy stuff, so again, maybe that'll rub off on her.

Honestly, while it IS an issue, it's not enough of a dealbreaker for me just yet. She's also currently taking time off of work after a major depressive episode and spending a lot of time doing nothing. It worries me, because I know just how unhealthy that is.

Also, I don't mind that LB asked why. It's exactly what Gruebeard said: it's something that makes us incredibly compatible. We're both in a very similar place, emotionally, which I think explains why it feels like we're connecting extremely fast after only two dates. She's said to me, "It feels like I've already known you forever".
 
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Chazwozel

The Lovely Boner said:
depression (something that honestly attracts me to her more)
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Um. I'm not trying to be a jerk but what do you mean here?
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From my observations, two people that date who both of which have depression is well... interesting to watch.

Nick, I'm happy for you bro, but... well I don't know what else to say really. Just be careful and don't over analyze things too much.
 
Rob King

Rob King

Chazwozel said:
From my observations, two people that date who both of which have depression is well... interesting to watch.

Nick, I'm happy for you bro, but... well I don't know what else to say really. Just be careful and don't over analyze things too much.
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This. You can be an incredible support to each-other, but if you're both vulnerable to dark episodes, if she slips into a dark place she can drag you down, and vice versa.

I'm happy for you, but be careful.
 
SpecialKO

SpecialKO

Is there a chance of framing w/e physical activity there is as something she could "come up with herself" to make you feel better?

I dunno her, but I've found that even close friends tend to balk at "suggestions" on how they could do better, but feel much better doing the same thing if it will actively help you.
 
drifter

drifter

This thread would seem to dovetail nicely with Chaz's "Try new shit" thread; rock climbing, ballroom dancing, etc. As long as it's something fun you can enjoy together, physical activity just becomes an ancillary benefit and not the prime reason.

Or you could just get to rutting like rabbits in heat. Plenty of exercise to be found there :eyebrows:
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
^That's what I was thinking too. There are plenty of active things that you can do on a date... not all of them involving nudity. Not that I'm knocking the nudity.
 
Math242

Math242

if you go work out, just ask her if she wanna come with you because it's fun and makes you feel better.

obviously she likes you so she might give it a try.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
I always say things like, "Man I need to lose some weight. I think I'm going to start walking." Make it all about myself and see if she's interesting in joining in.
 
Silver Jelly

Silver Jelly

Whatever you do, never do what my father did some years ago... "Hi, honey. Have a present." And it was a book about how to have a flat stomach.

He, of course, bought it for her because she occasionally keeps saying she wants to lose weight. But, man, they always say italians are charming and suave...
 
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