I started feeling weird at around 2:30, by 4 it was more than obvious that something WAS actually wrong, my pulse was accelerated, I could feel my heart jumping out of my chest, it hurt, I felt tired, disoriented and mostly anxious. The infirmary was closed (how stupid is that?) so I had to wait in my cubicule feeling like shit until 6pm. I got there, the doctor took my pulse, monitored my heart and told me I had tachychardia. He gave me a pill and took me into another room to lay down and plug me to the oxygen, the doctor turned off the lights as he was leaving the room and shut the door. I cried... a lot. I grabbed my cellphone desperate wanting to call someone and realized I couldn't... I couldn't pretend I was ok and the last thing I wanted was the "oh poor you" I knew I was going to get so I just crawled inside the blanket there in silence with the tubes up my nose, and cried until I fell asleep.
An hour later I woke up because I started feeling cold, the sheet was all wet with my tears. I stood up, took the tube off my nose and decided to leave it all right there in that room. I stepped outside and the doctor talked to me and gave me some sheets to give to my boss... I don't remember everything about that conversation, but it doesn't matter.
I realized this event was just a catalyst and that I often put it all on hold until something like this happens and then I break down.
When I got home, my mom asked me why I was so late, I told her what happened and all she said was "the dishes are yours today, don't forget"
It hurt. I decided right that second that I wasn't going to let this happen again, I will deal with my emotions as they come before something external makes me explode.
I don't feel on top of the world right now, but I'm better than this morning and better than yesterday and I will do my best to make tomorrow much better too.