Man tries to commit suicide by violating himself with a cucumber

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i tried to come up with a joke, or a pun or you know something witty.

All i can say tho is: WHAT THE FUCK?
 
Oh, like none of you have ever had to pull the old "no, I don't enjoy putting vegetables into my anus, this is a suicide attempt" line before.

Protip: It only works one. Twice if you try a small mammal the second time.
 
Nick, I respect your decision, but if a man committed suicide in such a manner, I guarantee he would be the butt of my jokes.
 
Well, I mean maybe he was drunk. And blind. And horny. And misplaced his katana. And was in the kitchen. And missed his abdomen. A couple times.
 
I believe there's a slight racist undertone to this article. A Chinese man attempts suicide, and the writer mentions an abolished Japanese suicide ritual, there is little relevance between the two aside from the obvious. This would suggest that the author "grouped in" all Asian people and mixed in facts to make the article more palatable to the masses.

I could just be talking outta my ass though.
 
I

Iaculus

I believe there's a slight racist undertone to this article. A Chinese man attempts suicide, and the writer mentions an abolished Japanese suicide ritual, there is little relevance between the two aside from the obvious. This would suggest that the author "grouped in" all Asian people and mixed in facts to make the article more palatable to the masses.

I could just be talking outta my ass though.
You are. I checked the news sites, and he of the inappropriately-ingested salad specifically referred to what he tried to do as hara-kiri.

Anyone else suspecting that his textbooks on international history had a few translation errors in them?
 
Everything you wanted to know about cucumbers but was afraid to ask...

1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and ... you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. If you can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie at a drive in you can stay in the front seat.
12. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
13. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
14. A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
15. A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?'
16. Cucumbers don't care whether you're a virgin.
17. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
19. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
20. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on men's room wall.
21. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
22. Cucumbers won't ask: 'Am I the best', 'How was it?' 'Did you come?', 'How many times?'
23. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser.
24. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.
25. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
26. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
27. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
28. You can dish a cucumber up for dinner to your Brother-in law
& Sister, after fucking it.
29. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
30. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
31. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
32. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
33. A cucumber won't give it up for lent.
34. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
35. Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
36. A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
37. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to sleep
in the wet spot.
38. A cucumber won't work your crossword in ink.
39. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
46. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
47. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're in the shower.
48. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
49. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
50. Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
51. A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another woman or another cucumber.
52. You will always know where your cucumber has been.
53. A cucumber never has to call 'the wife'.
54. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
55. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
56. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
57. You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber.
58. A cucumber won't leave town on New Years Eve.
59. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
60. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
61. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
62. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
 
P

Philosopher B.

He was found in a pool of blood by his daughter before being rushed to receive medical health.
That'll be a great story for the grandchildren. :blue:
 
C

Chibibar

I am still going by the guy just want to try "alternative sex" and got caught and thought of this story up.

If he really want to kill himself, drinking drano would have been more effective than a cucumber.
 
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