Headed Towards Monogamy?

[Espy]

Don't rush things man. Slow down, enjoy the ride and getting to know here... but give it some time before you guys register for wedding gifts.

 

[Officer_Charon]

Okay, so the rose-tinted glasses have come off. Now is the time to view her objectively. She's still the awesome person she was a while ago, for all the same reasons. Examine where you're at in your life, and see if you're at a place where you can see yourself with one person.

This girl sounds like quite a catch, and no so much with the crazy. Time to take stock of your life, perhaps, and see if y'all have a long or short future.

Just my $0.02

 

[Azurephoenix]

I'd vote for scared shitless... but what makes you think un-smitten?

 

[Calleja]

I'd vote for scared shitless... but what makes you think un-smitten?

Her text messages, which not 3 days ago made me all smiley and excited, now just stress me out in a "shit, what am I supposed to answer to a 'I can't stop thinking about you' sms? I shouldn't even waste SMSs, I'm already over my alloted amount for the month and I'm paying too much as it is, stupid cell company. Oh shit, I still haven't answered, the poor girl is expecting a smitten answer for her smitten message and I can't think of anything." kinda of way.

Yes, I always overthink everything.

 

[Espy]

Sounds to me like you had a pretty intense few days, and now that you have come back down to reality a little bit (that doesn't mean you don't really like this girl of course, just that you aren't wanting to send smitten messages every few seconds, very normal) and she hasn't you have to navigate that course. Deep breaths bud. Everything is gonna be ok. If you really want to pursue a relationship with this girl it sounds like you need to decide exactly what you want and talk to her about it. Just my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth.

 

[Calleja]

What if I don't KNOW what I want? hwell:

 

[Hailey Knight]

Tell her she has to put on a Paul McCartney mask during sex.

If she's okay with it, keep her.

If not, leave her.

 

[Espy]

What if I don't KNOW what I want? hwell:

Then be honest about it. Even if it hurts her it will be much less painful than 3 months down the road when shes totally in love with you and you decide you don't want to be with her.
If you still want to build the relationship then tell her that, just say for both your sakes you want to slow down some, go on a date every week or every other week, don't text every 5 seconds, whatever makes you both comfortable. The fact is she's someone you COULD see yourself in a relationship with which means you owe it to both of you to be careful with moving forward.

 

[Officer_Charon]

As Espy said, just be honest with her. Try something like "You're wonderful, and I want to give this a shot, but I'm not sure that I'm as intense about this as you. It doesn't mean that I'm not INTO you (because I am), but if I try to keep up with your intensity, I'm going to burn out. I want to take this slow and steady, and make it last with you."

.... At least, that'd be what _I_ would say...

 

[Calleja]

No, that'd be a problem if I had a problem with her being intense... but I don't. I was there 2 days ago, I get it. The problem is ME.

 

[Andi]

Just get yourself together and go for it. And stop smsing if it ruins you. Get her to use halforums so you can exchange your thoughts publicly. This way, we, the forums, could help you better arranging your marriage.

 

[Morphine]

Just tell her you want to take it slower...
Because that's basically it, you need to know her more, this will lead to you either falling in love and deciding she's worth it even with the issues you see right now, or you fall out of it and no one gets hurt.

 

[Officer_Charon]

Also, no unlimited texts? WTF Mexico...

 

[Calleja]

I have the cheapest cell phone plan with unlimited 3G internet... I only get 60 minutes and like 10 texts, plus 4 "frequent contacts" with free calls or texts (one slot each). She's not in any of those slots yet, of course.

Wikipedia in my pocket is awesome, though.

 

[Espy]

No, that'd be a problem if I had a problem with her being intense... but I don't. I was there 2 days ago, I get it. The problem is ME.

Yeah, the problem is infatuation.

You met a girl. She was awesome. You turned the infatuation and wooooooooooo scale up to 11 on a 1-10 scale. It happens. The problem is when you are on that roller coaster you have to come back down just like in real life. You can't stay at the top of that emotional high. Then you hit that emotional plateau and it feels LOW, when in reality it's just NORMAL, hence me telling you to not freak out about it yet. Be honest, tell her you probably got too intense to fast and, assuming you do, that you like her and want to get to know her and spend time with her but you can't have that intensity scale cranked up to 11 for awhile.
It's all good homie.

 

[Calleja]

Yeah, that makes sense. I also talked about it a bunch with Morphine over msn and she agrees... I'll take it slow without letting my current :aaahhh: affect too much and see how it goes in a week or two.

Thanks guys.

 

[HCGLNS]

I'd vote for scared shitless... but what makes you think un-smitten?

Her text messages, which not 3 days ago made me all smiley and excited, now just stress me out in a "shit, what am I supposed to answer to a 'I can't stop thinking about you' sms? I shouldn't even waste SMSs, I'm already over my alloted amount for the month and I'm paying too much as it is, stupid cell company. Oh shit, I still haven't answered, the poor girl is expecting a smitten answer for her smitten message and I can't think of anything." kinda of way.

Yes, I always overthink everything.[/QUOTE]

Try using a pen and paper. I wrote my wife letters every day when we apart, it's really a simple way to show that you care.

 

[Espy]

Emotions are a roller coaster ride man, don't let the twists and turns throw you off.

Thats how people get broken necks.

 

[Gusto]

It's also how Fabio gets hit the face with a bird.

 

[Calleja]

Alright so.... I need advice. And help. And maybe a hug.


It's not working out. We were never officially dating, but it's still become more than just "casual dating".... and I want to break it up. I tried, I gave it time to see if the initial smittening came back or even if it didn't it would still become SOMETHING... but... it hasn't. And I realize that it hasn't been THAT long, but I'm worried that if I just wait more she's going to get even more attached and be hurt more.

And that's what makes me even a bit physically nauseous about the whole situation... I'm going to hurt her. I really, really don't want to, but she's really attached to me and even though I'm TRYING to get attached too I... I'm just not there anymore. She calls me and instead of getting excited I think of reasons not to see her (I don't give HER the excuses and I usually go out with her anyway, but I'm still thinking them) so I think it's pretty clear I'm not getting there.

So I need to talk to her.




But I don't know how.


Cause, see... a fun fact you've never known about good ol' The Mex here... I've never broken up with anybody. Not something serious. The serious relationships I've been in, all three of them, were all ended by the other party. With my own heart doing most of the breakage. I'm awesome at being broken up with. But I've never done so myself.
And I'm terrified. I really, really don't want to hurt her. This girl is awesome and deserves nothing of the kind. Ever.

Ugh, I hate myself.

The logistic is what's bothering me right now. She doesn't have a car and I always pick her up when we go out. But how is that gonna work with this? I pick her up as usual, take her for a cup of coffee or something, say "Oh, hey, by the way, I know you're really excited about us and you really like me and you tell all your friends you're really happy that we're about to be a couple but... I want out. Ok, cool? good, now let me get the check and drive you back home". What? WHAT?! Drive her back home after telling her I don't want to be with her!?

Fuck everything today.

 

[phil]

Just drive to her house and do it there.

 

[Wasabi Poptart]

The best thing you can do is be totally honest with her. Cliche, yes, but it is a whole lot better than dragging things out further and really hurting her. Go to her house, do not take her out somewhere, and just lay it all out. Tell her exactly what you feel. She's a great person, you don't want to hurt her, but it's not working for you. She will be upset, but there is no way to avoid that unfortunately.

:hug:

 

[Calleja]

What like.. out near her front door? Or are you saying I should come in, say hi to her parents, sit down in the living room and THEN break up with her... stand up, say goodbye to her parents, and leave?

I need Pepto.

 

[Hailey Knight]

You could always be a complete asshole to her, treat her like shit, and make her life miserable until she breaks up with you. Does that sound preferable?

Just do it quick and clean, and don't be passive-aggressive about it.

 

[Azurephoenix]

You could always be a complete asshole to her, treat her like shit, and make her life miserable until she breaks up with you. Does that sound preferable?

Sadly that's not even guaranteed to work... .

 

[Calleja]

You could always be a complete asshole to her, treat her like shit, and make her life miserable until she breaks up with you. Does that sound preferable?

Just do it quick and clean, and don't be passive-aggressive about it.

Preferable to WHAT?!

I get that I have to be honest, I get that I want to let her down easy. I'm all for that.

BUT HOW?! She lives with her parents and they're ALWAYS THERE, are you telling me I really need to do it in front of them? Seriously? Like, is that commonly done?

 

[Hailey Knight]

No, you do it wherever you go and then you endure the uncomfortable drive of taking her home. Yeah, even if she's upset and pissed at you. And square away a time slot for it to take place after you've told her, because she may have things to say and you want to give her time to say them. Do not take to pleading, or else you give her false hope.

Yeah, the car ride is gonna suck for you. Being broken up with is gonna suck worse for her. I think you can handle the awful drive, yes?

This really should've been in Ask Dave or Jay.

 

[Dave]

Let her catch you messing around with Morphine AND her boyfriend! Invite her to join in. If she won't then she'll probably leave you. Problem solved. If she does, SCORE! She's a keeper!

 

[Calleja]

morphine doesn't have a boyfriend, though

 

[Vagabond]

What like.. out near her front door? Or are you saying I should come in, say hi to her parents, sit down in the living room and THEN break up with her... stand up, say goodbye to her parents, and leave?

Why not?

You're both adults, shit.

 

[Wasabi Poptart]

I didn't realize that she lives with her parents. I guess you should take her some where. I wouldn't go some place public like a coffee shop though.

 

[Element 117]

copy pasta'd methods below are not endorsed by me, just googled by me.

How to Break Up With a Woman
By: Kimberly Dawn Neumann
Breakups suck. There's no other way to put it. But keep in mind that what happens in the moments before, during and after you deliver those three little words ("This isn't working") will forever determine how you're remembered. Will you be that great guy she remembers wistfully… or the jerk she can't believe she ever dated?
Unless there has been some egregious violation of the dating code - she did something so unforgivable you get a free pass to behave like an idiot - most women would ask for one thing: End it like a man, not a frat boy. "Dumping someone is never fun but if you're clear about why your relationship has to end and you know that it's time, you owe it to the woman to make the break," says dating guru David Wygant, founder of www.flirtdaily.com. "Just be kind, honest within reason, and brief."
With that in mind, we decided to gather input from women and experts about the best way to let a gal go.
Don't Do a Disappearing Act
Sadly this is an all too common tactic with men, but listen up… it's just not cool. "My friends and I agree there's nothing worse than fading away into oblivion!" says Stacey, 29, from Pensacola, FL. "Then the girl is left just wondering and waiting." Women need some sort of closure, and you owe her some kind of explanation before you decide to vanish.
Do Consider the Timing
Though it's not totally your responsibility to see how she survives the breakup, you can help ease the transition by considering when you break the news. "It's thoughtful and courteous to be aware of what is going on in her life," says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City. In other words, don't be an extra-special jerk by delivering the news when she's already going through a rough patch. If she lost her job yesterday, give it a little time before having the big talk.
Don't Rely on Technology
We live in a world of cell phones, BlackBerries, and IMs, which means it's easier than ever to get in touch with each other. But, please don't use it as a way to escape confrontation. "Using technology to break up is a cowardly act-it means you don't have the balls to face me," says Kerry, 37, from Portsmouth, NH. "If you liked me enough to kiss me, sleep with me, have a romance with me, then I think the very least you can do is honor that connection by ending it in person."
Do Give Her Face Time
You may be tempted to deliver the news and then get the heck out of there, but there's nothing worse than bringing up the subject when you don't have adequate time to discuss it. Yes, that means you will have to talk to her and you might have to witness some tears but it's the right thing to do. "My ex broke up with me by meeting me for a drink, and we had a very open and civilized conversation," says Gigi, 39, from New York, NY. "Yes, it still hurt, but because of the classy way he handled it, we didn't lose our friendship, too."
Do Choose Your Location Wisely
"There's no reason to break the news behind closed doors-but a bit of privacy is a good thing. What you shouldn't do is deliver the news someplace where she'll lose dignity. "If you're at a party surrounded by friends where everyone will see her if she bursts into tears… that's not a good call," says Wygant. "This is between the two of you, not your whole posse." Wygant also suggests staying away from your favorite haunt or where you had your first date or anywhere that will evoke painful memories. Think neutral, think semi-private, and think about letting her save face.
Don't Be Too Honest
Women need "reasons" so they can accept the breakup and move on. But there's one big caveat…don't be spiteful or hurtful. "Getting broken up with is insulting at some level and just being rejected feels bad enough. So why make the person feel worse?" says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. No woman wants to hear that you're dumping her because she has bad breath or she's no longer attractive to you or you're insanely attracted to her best friend. These kinds of reflections shouldn't be shared: "You're no longer entitled to give advice or criticism because you aren't her boyfriend anymore," says Puhn. Instead, your reasons for breaking up should focus on how you two aren't the right match. Try saying something like "Both of us are good people, but I don't think we're the right fit together."
Don't Hedge
You start to deliver the news, you see her lip quiver, and you think, Oh no, she's going to cry. Should you attempt to soften the blow by saying, "Well, there might be a chance for us in the future but right now the timing isn't good" or "Maybe when things quiet down at work" or "I think I just need a break"? No, no, no! Giving a woman a false sense of hope will not help her heal. "If you know it's over, spare her the agony of pretending that you might call her sometime when you won't," says Dr. Magdoff. "If you really aren't certain about the future, you can say -I'm not sure, but please don't hold your breath…'"
Don't Freak If She Gets Emotional
We're reputed to be the more sensitive sex, remember? So yes, there's a chance that your gal might start sobbing or screaming or otherwise emoting… and you need to let her. "If she gets hostile or weepy, stay calm and let her deal with those emotions for a while-remember, you've been thinking about the breakup for weeks, she heard about it 10 seconds ago," says Puhn. If she gets more and more worked up as the minutes pass, however, take your leave and give her some down time to adjust to the new information. "Before walking away, however, set a specific time to talk later to give her security that you're willing to explain yourself and listen to what she has to say when she's calmed down," Puhn adds.
Don't Use the "It's Not You, It's Me" Line
Everyone knows if someone leaves you it's because you're not who they want and that's the bottom line. "Anyone on the receiving end of this line can see through it," says Magdoff. She suggests a better phrase to utter might be, "Who you are and what you want are absolutely terrific, but where I am right now is a very different place."
Do Break Up With Her Before Starting Anything Else!
That's called cheating! And if you intentionally stray in an effort to make her break up with you, you're a chicken and deserve whatever reaction you get! Also, forget about using the "I've met someone else" escape clause. Introducing a new love into a break-up discussion only tortures your soon-to-be ex. "After three years together, my boyfriend ended it with me over the phone by saying he'd met another woman on his trip to Europe," says Jenny, 30, from Seattle. "I spent the next two years wondering, What's it like for them? Is it different from when he and I were together? Do they order the same kind of takeout? Do they listen to the same music we listened to? Do they laugh as much? Do they laugh more? And what makes her so much more appealing than me?" Get the point? Mentioning another woman really hurts and intensifies the pain.
Do Keep in Touch, But Only on Special Occasions
Calling just to check up on her in a week or a month is not really helpful. It just confuses things and catapults you back into the forefront of her mind. There is one exception here though… the special occasion. "If it's her birthday or a holiday and you were very close, then it is sweet to call to wish her well," says Puhn. However, don't call to make plans, don't call to discuss sensitive issues and don't talk for longer than ten minutes. "Be acquaintances and keep in mind that acquaintances rarely talk more than twice a year," says Puhn.
Don't Engage in Break-Up Sex
We know… it's comfortable, she's vulnerable, and you think one more time won't hurt anything. Wrong. When you get intimate she'll be reminded of the amazing physical connection you two had, and suddenly you're right back in it. Do you really want to go through another breakup? Ex sex doesn't end things… it just drags it out.
Do Reassure Her
One final point-let her know that she mattered. Puhn suggests saying something like "I enjoyed being with you, and I value the time we spent together, but we just aren't right for the long-run." She needs to know that you didn't consider her -a waste of time' or unimportant. That will help her risk giving her heart to someone else in the future.
Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Marie Claire and other publications.

Delivering the news
Open the conversation by getting straight to the point, saying something like, "I'm no longer happy in this relationship" or "I'm having second thoughts about being in a serious, committed relationship." You want to avoid attacking her specifically at all costs, so use these suggestions rather than saying, "I'm no longer happy with you" or "I'm having second thoughts about being with you." Next, be prepared to explain why. Tell the truth as gently as possible; don't sugarcoat it too much and definitely do not lie. Even if you're fed up with her and can no longer stand to be in the same room with her, remember that there was a time when she was all you could think about. There was a time when your love for her was strong, and she deserves to be treated with patience and respect during this difficult moment.

Psychologically, nobody responds well to direct attacks that use the word "you." How you explain yourself to her and the words you choose to use are very important. Let's say that your reason for wanting to break up is that she's very clingy and needy, insanely jealous and irrationally possessive. Instead of saying, "You're too clingy and you're way too needy" try saying something like, "I feel like I need more space" and "I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to have to answer to anybody." Another option is, "I can't give you what you need, and it isn't fair to you for me to keep you in a relationship like that when you could be out meeting the person who can."




Receiving the news
Be prepared for her to quickly cycle through all five stages of mourning.

DENIAL: "You're crazy. You don't really want to break up, you're just upset."
ANGER: "This is so unfair. After everything I've done for you, everything I've put up with, YOU want to leave ME?!?!"
During the anger stage, if your girlfriend feels like she is being attacked (which is a common reaction when someone is being told there's something wrong with them) she will immediately go on the defensive and start retaliating against everything you're saying. She may tell you that your reasons for wanting to leave aren't valid, that she didn't do anything wrong, that you're not perfect either, etc. But if your heart is set on ending the relationship, firmly but gently tell her that your concerns are real and nothing she says is going to change that. Don't allow yourself to be distracted from the task at hand by getting dragged into an argument that analyzes and dissects your reasons. It's a diversion tactic that could have you sitting around for hours going over every angle. Doing this just postpones the inevitable. If your girlfriend approaches the anger stage in this way, tell her straight up that your feelings are valid even if she does not agree with your reasoning, and inform her that you are not going to sit here and fight and nitpick over every point.

Another common response is to turn everything back on to you and start listing your downfalls and character flaws. To avoid getting into a lengthy discussion about how much you suck, openly admit that you're not perfect and you're fully aware of it, say that you know you have faults of your own and would never claim otherwise, then direct the conversation back to ending the relationship.

BARGAINING: "Why don't we just take some time off instead? Let's spend a few days apart so you can see what it's like to miss me."
DEPRESSION: A combination of crying and wailing, "No one's ever going to love me ever again!"
ACCEPTANCE: "Fine. Whatever. Do what you want."

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What to do if you're cheating on her
If you've been cheating on her and want to break-up so you can pursue a relationship with the other woman, you might as well just tell your girlfriend the truth because I guarantee she's going to find out anyway. If you're interested in someone else but have not yet crossed the line into cheating, be honest about this, too. Tell your girlfriend that you've developed feelings for someone else but that you respect her too much to cheat on her. However, it is something you want to explore so you wanted to be upfront with her before you actually did anything. You owe her honesty.

In this case, it is very common for a lot of women to start thinking there's something wrong with them, that they are not good enough or are lacking in some way. Although it's cliché to say, "It's not you, it's me" it's important to stress to your girlfriend that she didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes you just click with another person in a different way and feelings develop unexpectedly. Reassure her that she is an amazing, beautiful girl, but stick to your guns if you're truly set on leaving. Tell her that you're not going to be a jerk by keeping her in a relationship and sneaking around behind her back.

Working through it
Be prepared to spend at least an hour on the break-up conversation, if not more. Plan the break-up for a block of time when you know you're both going to be free. Most initial break-up conversations last several hours and span two or three days. You don't want to have to rush. Be patient, answer her questions and comfort her if she cries. At some point, however, you're going to have to cut it short. Once everything has been discussed there's no need to keep rehashing the same points. It just prolongs the pain, and don't be afraid to explain this to her. After a reasonable amount of time has passed, let her go so she can mourn on her own and talk to her friends to gain some perspective. She'll probably need a few days to come to grips with the situation, and will most likely be calling you during this time to express either extreme anger, guilt or sadness. There's nothing wrong with that, but after a week or two you may have to be a little firm with her because the sooner you break away from each other the more she can heal and the quicker you can go your separate ways.

Oftentimes, the break-up process is equally as difficult for the person who is doing the breaking. You may love your girlfriend deeply as a friend but find that your in-love feelings have faded. You may be dissatisfied with the direction the relationship is moving or have learned things about your partner that you don't appreciate and can't live with. This can be heart wrenching if you had hoped to spend your life with this person. But you owe it to yourself to do whatever you have to in order to make yourself happy, and you owe it to her to let her be free to find someone else. Sometimes you have to close one door to allow another one to open elsewhere.

 

[Morphine]

These things do really always suck, unless they deserve it and they rarely do, I have personally never broken up with someone that deserved to be hurt like that and it hurt me a lot too having to do it.

I think I would just drive up to her house, call her cell and say "hey, can you come out for a sec?" and then just tell her. But that's just me, and I'm pretty bad at these things anyway =(

 

[Wasabi Poptart]

Actually, Morphine, I don't think that's such a bad idea. I really can't think of where he could take her to talk.

 

[nfldraftman]

Yeah...you're toast...been there...done that...divorced that...