Hey, I can't sleep - cos my gf left me (baw?)

[tegid]

So, my girlfriend of 3.5 years left me yesterday, out of the blue. Well, almost. Last week she gave me an ultimatum about some things I had to change (and I was on it) but she already told me that there are things of my personality that she doesn't like, that don't 'fit her needs right now', and apparently after a few more days of thinking and talking to people (I want to think that it's her best girlfriends but I suspect that there's been some influence by her new friends from uni who don't even fucking now me) these issues have been deemed to important to try to sort them out.

Thing is, she has been in and out of depression for most of the 3 years, and I've been helping her with it. Now that she's better, she realizes this things that she doesn't like (they didn't matter when I was taking care of her, maybe because she wasn't really herself, maybe because she was in love with me). But these issues are probably aggravated because taking care of her has worn me out. So it's kind of a dick move to leave me.

Aaand that's why I can't sleep. I've been awake for the last hour* thinking about things to reproach (blame?) her for, got up to take a note in my notebook (I already have several pages), and thought I could try and blow off some steam by telling someone else.

*That's a lot for me. I think the longest I've been trying to sleep without being able to in the last few years has been 15 min, maybe half an hour.

EDIT:

Of course, it is more (not much more) complicated and even some of the friends I've told the whole story have sided with her, because if she doesn't love me anymore, then what should she do? Ugh.

Yesterday and this morning I wanted to keep being friends with her but right now I want her to suffer (which feels weird because it's completely against my personality)

 

[North_Ranger]

Oh man, sounds a lot like my first girlfriend... She had some pretty serious mental issues and was supposed to go to the therapist regularly. She didn't. Instead she would call me in the middle of the night, with a heavy panic attack on because it was dark outside, or she might starve herself for a few days and then pig out (likely with the contents of my fridge if she was staying over - in the middle of the night). Hell, her mom pretty much told me she seemed to be on the mend because she was with me - but that's no damn excuse to quit seeing the shrink :/

Based on that description you gave of her, tegid, I'm gonna give some unsolicited, unprofessional advice and say fuck 'er. That was some pretty heavy dickery on her part.

 

[HCGLNS]

Do you still have the receipts for the Christmas presents you bought her?

 

[tegid]

Luckily I hadn't bought them yet... Actually this is one of the things that bums me. I had plans, I had things I wanted to gift her, places I wanted to go with her!

These holidays are going to be rough... I decorated the christmas tree with her, my mom even bought a patchwork tree to put on the presents because she (my ex) claimed we could not have the presents without a tree! (We were going to go to our apartment in the mountains nearby). There're just so many things that will remind me of her.

---------- Post added at 01:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:03 AM ----------

Oh man, sounds a lot like my first girlfriend... She had some pretty serious mental issues and was supposed to go to the therapist regularly. She didn't. Instead she would call me in the middle of the night, with a heavy panic attack on because it was dark outside, or she might starve herself for a few days and then pig out (likely with the contents of my fridge if she was staying over - in the middle of the night). Hell, her mom pretty much told me she seemed to be on the mend because she was with me - but that's no damn excuse to quit seeing the shrink :/

Based on that description you gave of her, tegid, I'm gonna give some unsolicited, unprofessional advice and say fuck 'er. That was some pretty heavy dickery on her part.

It was not like that... She actually started seeing a shrink and improved a lot! Also, I didn't even realize the issues were due to me being worn out until she was leaving me already so eh. Still, she has been very selfish in this whole situation so yeah, fuck her I guess and fuck her friends who convinced her to be.

 

[Dave]

Sorry to hear it, man. I don't mean to sound callous, but it's better that it happened now rather than marriage and kids. Stay strong, vent if you need to and play video games a lot to escape.

Just don't hurt her, yourself or your job.

 

[ThatGrinningIdiot!]

Taking care of a woman doesn't entitle you to the privilege that she never leaves you no matter what. She was unwilling to continue your relationship and decided to break it off, though I agree that she could've been more sensitive in the manner that she left, when it comes to breaking up there aren't many "good" or "right" ways to do it - they're all almost guaranteed to cause you a great measure of pain.

To help you to a speedy recovery, don't think for a second that you or she are at fault, this is not the case. Secondly; do not think this can be fixed as this can lead to undesired results. Reconciling is possible when the two of you can discuss it, if she's not willing to, you'll just have to worry about #1 - yourself. Take some time to find your balance again, new hobbies, new friends, venting, whatever it takes. Find something that'll take up your time and help you re-adjust your life. Sitting around and moping is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

If your feelings start to feel overwhelming, don't hesitate to get professional help - talking to a counselor/therapist can help you greatly.

 

[Chad Sexington]

Aw man that's rough. I'm sorry to hear it. You seemed like an awesome guy the evening I met you; I hate to hear that happen to you. I'm sure you have people to vent to but if you need to, you've got my Facebook so drop me a line. I hope you find a way to cope and recover, time though it may take.

 

[ElJuski]

succcckkkkkktown

 

[tegid]

I can't help to think that this shouldn't have happened, now or later. Also, if there had been some 'official' bond such as marriage maybe she would have been willing to fight for it. Maybe not.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I won't hurt her beyond saying hurtful words (and I'm not sure I'll even be able to do that even though I want to, I think it's necessary 'cause otherwise I will hold grudges forever and I'd like to regain some kind of normal relationship in the future) and I hope I won't hurt myself, but the job is already suffering because I'm seriously unfocused and this has come together with the fact that I missed work last friday because my father had two children (hey, some good news mixed in!). I have a meeting tomorrow with my supervisor which will go badly but luckily I work doing research (My job is actually being a Ph.D. student) and I do it mostly alone, so I hope I will be able to make up for any lost hours over the holidays.

Thanks again guys. You are awesome

---------- Post added at 01:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:35 AM ----------

Taking care of a woman doesn't entitle you to the privilege that she never leaves you no matter what. She was unwilling to continue your relationship and decided to break it off, though I agree that she could've been more sensitive in the manner that she left, when it comes to breaking up there aren't many "good" or "right" ways to do it - they're all almost guaranteed to cause you a great measure of pain.

To help you to a speedy recovery, don't think for a second that you or she are at fault, this is not the case. Secondly; do not think this can be fixed as this can lead to undesired results. Reconciling is possible when the two of you can discuss it, if she's not willing to, you'll just have to worry about #1 - yourself. Take some time to find your balance again, new hobbies, new friends, venting, whatever it takes. Find something that'll take up your time and help you re-adjust your life. Sitting around and moping is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

If your feelings start to feel overwhelming, don't hesitate to get professional help - talking to a counselor/therapist can help you greatly.

Obviously I have no right to demand her not to leave me, ever, but after 3 years you would expect that she'd think about it more than two weeks or one month or whatever before breaking up. Still, I mostly agree with you, I'm just going through an 'angry phase'.
And it certainly can't be fixed. It could have been, but not anymore. That I know. I'll try to work hard and I'll try to keep busy with friends.

---------- Post added at 01:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:40 AM ----------

Aw man that's rough. I'm sorry to hear it. You seemed like an awesome guy the evening I met you; I hate to hear that happen to you. I'm sure you have people to vent to but if you need to, you've got my Facebook so drop me a line. I hope you find a way to cope and recover, time though it may take.

Thanks

 

[Cajungal]

Sorry, Tegid. Whether or not this was for the best, your anger is completely understandable. Take care of yourself! :hug:

 

[tegid]

One last thing before trying to sleep: I actually think (or hope?) this isn't going to be so hard. I kinda understand the reasons she gave me, and it's probably for the best because the relationship as it was was destructive to me. Of course there are moments or times when it hurts like hell and I cry for a while but as long as it's not most of the time I hope I'll be fine.

This is curiously similar to the death of a loved one, the feelings involved are similar, at least to me. (Except for the moments of anger)

 

[Jay]

Ah, dumpsville... population you.

I'll agree with the halfpeeps that it was kinda of a dick move by her part but hey, you know what? Life isn't fair. But you already knew that right?

Before you move forward and the days fly by let me agree with you ahead of time that hindsight is a beautiful thing. You may not understand now but give my post a read again in a few weeks. Maybe it'll make more sense.

How many times in the past did you waste several weeks moping only to run into the object of your thwarted affection and wonder, "What was I thinking?!"

Focus on the knowledge that, given time you'll be able to look back on your experience and take important lessons from it. You have to trust that, in time, it will all become clear. Until then, pretend. That's right, pretend. You'll be amazed at how much acting like you feel a certain way helps you actually feel that way. Keep telling yourself until you listen and only then will you move on. The hurt will stop. As things start to become more clear and you see what was wrong with the relationship and what you should have done differently. This is where you can identify areas you can work on and where to avoid the next time. There is after all, plenty of fire in the sea.

Final piece of advice... when you're ready... put yourself out there. Do try to enjoy life a little? And when you meet that special person. Never try to compare it to previous relationships. After all, you wouldn't want that person to compare you with THEIR previous ones... right?

If you ever want to talk, PM me.

 

[sixpackshaker]

Just don't hurt her, yourself or your job.

^this.

Even on the emotional level, being petty and seeking revenge to hurt someone's feelings is never the way to go. Don't rage into self-pity either.

Most of the rest of the advice here is pretty solid too.

 

[tegid]

Sorry, Tegid. Whether or not this was for the best, your anger is completely understandable. Take care of yourself! :hug:

Thank you :hug:

---------- Post added at 07:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:26 AM ----------

<>

Thank you, nice advice. I'll try to keep in mind the hindsight thing.

 

[Jiarn]

I'm with you 100% man. I had a very long term relationship/family broken up a year ago by my ex. She left, taking her son and leaving me and my two kids behind. I couldn't sleep for months. All everyone told me was that "time heals all", for me though, I found that to be total bullshit.

What it took was getting back out there, meeting new people, new friends, new dates, and in the end, a phone call to my ex a year later to clear up the last bit of closure I obviously needed. Since then, the weight has been lifted and I've really been able to move on, mentally. Emotionally will come.

What advice I can tell you, with it being so fresh, is to not pretend it doesn't hurt. Accept it, understand why it truly feels the way it does, realize that while you may have been at fault for some things in the relationship, in the end it was hers for leaving instead of working it out with you. Most of all, know that you'll be better off, and most likely, she won't. It sounds bitter/selfish, but it's usually true.

Best of luck my friend, I definitely know what you're going through, as it's all still fresh here still too.

 

[tegid]

Just don't hurt her, yourself or your job.

^this.

Even on the emotional level, being petty and seeking revenge to hurt someone's feelings is never the way to go. Don't rage into self-pity either.

Most of the rest of the advice here is pretty solid too.[/QUOTE]

I don't really want revenge, but I've been known to let bad feelings bottle up until they break some relationships. If I want to be friends with her some time, I need to get some of this bile off my system. I asked her and she wants to hear it so tomorrow I'll do it. It'll also be an opportunity to realize how stupid some of my grudges are, by letting her defent herself.
After that, I guess I'll avoid her until I'm a bit better and can have a normal relationship.

---------- Post added at 07:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:32 AM ----------

I'm with you 100% man. I had a very long term relationship/family broken up a year ago by my ex. She left, taking her son and leaving me and my two kids behind. I couldn't sleep for months. All everyone told me was that "time heals all", for me though, I found that to be total bullshit.

What it took was getting back out there, meeting new people, new friends, new dates, and in the end, a phone call to my ex a year later to clear up the last bit of closure I obviously needed. Since then, the weight has been lifted and I've really been able to move on, mentally. Emotionally will come.

What advice I can tell you, with it being so fresh, is to not pretend it doesn't hurt. Accept it, understand why it truly feels the way it does, realize that while you may have been at fault for some things in the relationship, in the end it was hers for leaving instead of working it out with you. Most of all, know that you'll be better off, and most likely, she won't. It sounds bitter/selfish, but it's usually true.

Best of luck my friend, I definitely know what you're going through, as it's all still fresh here still too.

I certainly think like that, and that makes me sad for her. I seriously hope she doesn't have problems again because I don't know who will help her if I'm not there (last time no one else did).

Thanks for the advice and for the support

 

[IronBrig4]

This is the time to work out. Seriously. This stress will make you both physically and mentally fatigued. I realize that time is the only thing that will truly make it go away, but hit the gym in the meantime.

 

[Silver Jelly]

You already know what I more or less think, so I'll just add that this gym business doesn't sound bad! And, as I have to starg hitting the gym again myself, I can see some potential sinergy here...

 

[Bumble the Boy Wonder]

I don't even remember who I made this for... Seems like LeQuack or something, I can't remember.

==============

 

[tegid]

XD

Thanks! That helped a bit.

Curiously enough, some of the flaws there have been apparently the deal breaking flaws in my case!

Damn bitches!

 

[Bumble the Boy Wonder]

XD

Thanks! That helped a bit.

Curiously enough, some of the flaws there have been apparently the deal breaking flaws in my case!

Damn bitches!

Oddly enough, all my ex's share the flaw the fella wrote down there as well

 

[North_Ranger]

Heh, all my ex's... well, I really don't want to steal the manbaw spot light from tegid. I'm just gonna say this and leave it at that.

Sometimes I think my ex's use me as a cheap substitute for therapy.

My first girlfriend was so traumatized by her previous, abusive relationship that she didn't enjoy sex in the least. I had to help her get over that, while getting rid of my own virginity. Here was a young woman who was afraid to do anything in bed because her ex had pretty much told her to "lie back and think of England". Over time she started to improve, and in the end the sex was mind-blowingly good, her anxieties about it all but shredded. Unfortunately, she abused my love for her, pretty much using her mental state as an excuse to get her way. If I didn't want to wake up and discuss furniture at three in the morning, she would cut her thighs. If I had to read for an important exam and couldn't come and see her, she'd threaten with a panic attack. The straw that broke the camel's back was that after a year of dating - half of which I had spent in the army, with limited contact to her - she basically started blackmailing me to get engaged with her; either I put a ring in her finger or she'd leave me. That was too much, so I left her. I had helped her get out of the idea that she should be meek and submissive in a relationship, but she had taken that as a sign of me being similar to a doormat.

The real kicker? Two years ago she got married - with the guy who abused her.

I won't say anything about my recent ex, though. I still think she is a nice person; I just think we were, in the end, in two different places in our lives and wanted too different things.

 

[Bones]

my last woman, realized i was married to my research projects and dumped me like yesterdays garbage. no rhyme or reason, just here today gone tomorrow. I asked her now fiance what the dealio was...he said she just couldn't keep dating a man that would do whatever it took to further his work, including working on her birthday. lol

 

[ScytheRexx]

Hey man, I had a friend go through a similar break as you. He was with his girlfriend for nearly seven years when she broke up with him out of the blue. He was even going to be the best man at my own wedding, but he backed out because he couldn't handle seeing my wife and I. All I can do is reiterate that whatever it was, it was not your fault. Sometimes people grow away from eachother, and you just have to make sure, most of all, that you look out for yourself. All your wounds can heal with time. Good luck man and feel better.

 

[strawman]

Now that she's through her depression, she's a different person. You'll have to accept that.

Further, as painful as it may be to hear it, she has been going through the proces of severing her relationship to you for much, much longer than a few days or weeks. The real problem is that either she didn't realize that she was pulling away, or worse, she knew what was happening, and didn't communicate with you about what was going on.

She gave you several "reasons" why she's dissatisfied with the relationship, but chances are good that those are just things that annoy her, and the real reason is that she is a different person, and she is not interested in trying to spark a relationship with you as this new person.

I hope your meeting with her gives you the closure you need. Don't use it as an opportunity to hurt her, but be truthful to both you and her. And accept that she's gone before, during, and after the meeting. Don't turn it into an opportunity to regain her or the relationship you used to have.

Keep in mind that she's not interested in making sure you have a good holiday - she's interested in making sure she has a good holiday. Don't ask her about, or dwell on what she's planning on doing for the holidays - it's quite possible that she's either going to tell you something you really don't want to hear, or she's going to lie to you.

Focus on what you need to move on.

 

[tegid]

FLP, you got it spot on. Apparently it's been going on for a few months but she didn't realize. To the reproach that she doesn't want to fight for the relationship and that it doesn't make sense with the relationship we had, she said that she would have fought if this had happened earlier, but now she's too far down that road. So I guess I just have to accept this: she didn't realize the relationship wasn't working, she didn't realize I wasn't on my best moment (and I didn't fully know and what I knew I didn't share until days before the breakup). It just happened.

I've seen that I'm partially to blame too, because I tried to do things to change our dynamic to a healthier one (be more independent at times and things like that) and they strained the relationship. The problem here is that apparently we had a big communication problem and she didn't know this. When I told her she was the most important person in my life she was shocked, and given this info I can't blame her... She was also shocked when I told her that I had plans, I wanted to take her on a trip, etc. I couldn't help her telling where the trip was, a couple of gifts I had planned... This obviously made her sad, but eh. I guess she's seeing what she lost? But it's lost already. It's also true that I had been planning these things for a long time but didn't act on them. Maybe it was because I was on a bad moment but I don't think that matters now.

I couldn't really say all the things I needed to say because I'm unable to say things I know will be hurtful, but she did help me to say a couple of things like she's been egoistic, she has done this in a terrible moment (christmas, for reasons that I already stated) and such. I didn't try to regain the relationship, just seeked understanding which should bring some sort of closure.

So I don't blame either of us. It was her fault and it was my fault too (maybe it's better not to think that?), we didn't realize things were happening to each other until it was too late.

The only thing I could blame her for is the sudden aspect of it, but it has been explained too... There's someone else (fuck, I knew about that guy, but I guess there's nothing I could do), and that has accelerated the process. (That and, I guess, the fucking friends and family who pushed her in that direction).
Oh wait, there's some blame to be given here! I suspect she's with him already, the bitch (Of course she hasn't told me and I don't want her to, but it's clear that if she isn't yet she will be within days). I understand I have no say on this and it really doesn't bother me that much (maybe it will in the future, I've only had the knowledge for a few hours and it did annoy and hurt* me at first). After all, this is the thing I had no control over because it was external to the relationship.


Thanks to all of you for reading and for the advice, you guys are awesome. I know I don't post much, but I love this community and its users.

*Obviously, it does hurt now, but it's different if I accept it.

EDIT: !! Is that a wall of text? Well, I got more, just wait a sec!

 

[Dave]

I didn't want to suggest there was someone else but in my experience when it's that sudden there usually is. And that sucks more than anything else. She's had time to come to terms with it and you have not.

And man does the whole situation suck big donkey balls.

 

[HCGLNS]

Well if there is someone else, perhaps a trip to the clinic to get tested is in order.

 

[Jiarn]

There's always someonelse. I love the story of "I didn't see our relationship falling apart until it was too late, and now I'm interested in this other person, sorry!" just absolute bull. Women say that guys are such cheating assholes, but it's been my experience, both times, that I was left for another guy. So there you go.

(This isn't to say that all women or men are exactly the same, these are just opinions based on my experiences).

 

[tegid]

I need more advice:
I've seen that any kind of interaction with her soothes some of the hurting I have. Mostly, it helps the anger to go away, and that's really important, because sadness I can take, but anger really takes the best of me. (Of course this was observed before this last conversation so now that I understand better what has happened maybe there will be less anger).
Anyway, of course this can be because I fool myself to think that the relationship isn't really over and I cling to it, and certainly there's some of it, but I think that there's also a component that our relationship was mostly a very very close friendship (that was one of the first reasons she gave me when we broke up, 'I want something else out of a relationship', that's bullshit woman! change that way of thinking or you'll never have a long lasting relationship!*) and by keeping some contact I feel I have lost the girlfriend or something like that.
Wait, I'm thinking now that that may be mostly bs**, but there's a new reason that may make more sense: I don't need to have long intimate conversations with her, just to maintain some sort of normal or regular contact, or a natural attitude when we are around each other (due to common friends), helps me feel our relationship is more or less natural, normal, (a close but not-so-close friendship) and that I don't hate her, soothes the anger, etc. which as I just said is essential to my mental health.

Since I can not distinguish between all of these and I don't know what the long term effect will be, but I know it's positive in the short term, I've decided to keep some contact instead of trying to forget her (which will be impossible over the holidays). Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

*That's what I said when she first told me, but now that we've talked more maybe she was right.
**I'm sorry, I know it's in bad style to change what you are thinking while you write and not correct the whole text.

 

[Jiarn]

Simply put, you have to break off all contact for a decent amount of time, take the pain it'll cause, get through it, push past it and become self-reliant.

Keeping in contact will never give you the closure you'll need to move on.

 

[Dave]

If it's over it's over. Back away from the ex. If she isn't willing to work for it, anything you do is for nothing more than to make the hurting stop for a little while.

And really, if she came back would you trust her not to do it again when a new guy came around?

 

[tegid]

I didn't want to suggest there was someone else but in my experience when it's that sudden there usually is. And that sucks more than anything else. She's had time to come to terms with it and you have not.

And man does the whole situation suck big donkey balls.

Yeah, I actually told her that more or less, that if I'd at least had some time to come to terms with it or at least start realizing about the situation, this wouldn't be so shitty. It's one of the worst parts, but at least I was able to reproach her for it. (Is there a better verb to say this? I'm using what's similar to the Spanish word)

 

[Jiarn]

Is it that you want her back, or you don't want to be alone? That was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with during my first big ex. I thought, for a long time, it was her I wanted to be with and fought for it. Lost. Then realized when I found someone new, which really did make me happy, that it was just the fear of being alone after being together with someone for so long.

 

[tegid]

Well if there is someone else, perhaps a trip to the clinic to get tested is in order.

Well, that's one of the things I wanted to say and forgot about this whole 'our relationship was mostly friendship' thing: we didn't have much sex. Even if she was with this other guy when we were still together (which I doubt, seriously, nothing would make sense then), we hadn't had sex for a while, much less without a condom. Maybe I will go to the doctor anyway, just in case.

---------- Post added at 06:33 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:29 PM ----------

When I was younger, I often fell for girls that needed 'help' or 'fixing'. I white knighted my way into their hearts, and helped them overcome their problems...be it emotional, financial, weight related, whatever.

Invariably, once the problems disappeared, so did the girlfriend. Evidently this isn't an uncommon thing.

So, later in life, I made a new rule: If a girl was 'broken', and a great deal of the relationship revolved around 'fixing' her, then I just wasn't freaking interested. Not saying I needed to find 'perfect' people--instead, I developed different ways of handling my SO's perceived flaws or problems. My relationships have (in general) worked out better for it.

Yeah, I'm actually very prone to emotional white-knighting and I know that's something I had to correct, but you know, at least I've had a full relationship with this one girl, previously there had only been girls that used me for exactly the same (and sometimes even more intensely) but only wanted to be friends, so it was even worse.

Anyway, yes, I realize I have this problem but I guess it will still take a while to solve it (I'll at least try to look for a strong woman as the next one). Thanks for the advice

---------- Post added at 06:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:33 PM ----------

If it's over it's over. Back away from the ex. If she isn't willing to work for it, anything you do is for nothing more than to make the hurting stop for a little while.

And really, if she came back would you trust her not to do it again when a new guy came around?

I certainly don't want to be back with her (well, I guess I do, but let's say that's the stance I'm taking). I understand what you are saying though: as Jiarn says, this won't give me closure. I'll think about it (I'm sorry if I don't end up immediately following the advice, because it's reasonable but it might take a lot to do it).

---------- Post added at 06:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:38 PM ----------

Is it that you want her back, or you don't want to be alone? That was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with during my first big ex. I thought, for a long time, it was her I wanted to be with and fought for it. Lost. Then realized when I found someone new, which really did make me happy, that it was just the fear of being alone after being together with someone for so long.

Those two things are more or less what I meant in my post about the keeping in touch. Both things are there, but I don't know in which proportion. One part is not having someone else to love this intensely and the other one is not having this person in my life in some form.

Of course, a big part of the hurt (which is not immediately obvious in my position, as confused as I am), is the big change this means in my daily life and in my short and long term plans. Possibly keeping a vague contact also helps with this because it helps me feel that things haven't changed that much while I come to terms with all of this. (I'm not arguing it's a good idea)

---------- Post added at 06:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:44 PM ----------

Shit, I loved her so much. I guess I still do... I'll mostly miss this, and also the capacity of making someone else feel really happy (which probably had its roots in a bad relationship dynamic after all).