New Relationships, Too Fast?

Status
Not open for further replies.
J

Jiarn

As some of you caught my new dating situation in the dating thread, I've been seeing someone for little under a month. Also some of you may know my previous dating history of moving too fast. I'm really curious to get a nice large assesment of people's opinions on what relationship "pace" usually looks like. Opinions or experience definitely appreciated.

Ex: One of my best friends at work, dated for 6 weeks, got married and has now been together, with two kids for 6 years happily.

My history in a nutshell:

First real relationship = 3 months dating, got pregnant, got married, had a second child 2 years in, divorced after 4years. Reason: Serious lack of things in common and inability to get passed them.

Second relatinonship = 3 months of dating, moved in together, raised our kids together, split after 7ears. Reason: Serious lack of things in common and inability to get passed them.

This relationship = Less than a month dating, have 99% of things in common (likes/dislikes/future plans/outlook on life and parenting). Things progressing quickly.
 
Emrys

Emrys

There's no deadline that you have to meet, so let the relationship progress at its own pace. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Don't rush things.
 
J

Jiarn

That's just it, my "natural progression" seems to be "too fast" by most standards. I'm just curiuos what the consensus seems to be.
 
Emrys

Emrys

My opinion is that your progress is too fast but that's just me. There's no one standard. Some people know that they're dating "the one", jump right into it and have a wonderful life. Some don't realize they're incompatible with the person they're dating for years. Keep talking with your lady and find out what is right for both of you. You'll know it when you hit it.
But for novelty's sake, try to break the three-month mark, huh?
 
C

Chibibar

To be honest, the "speed" of a relationship rest solely on you and your partner. You should have a conversation with your partner if it is "too fast" or "too slow"

Each relationship is different and unique is many ways. My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting married (together 10 years now)
My mom and my stepdad dated for like 2 months and married for 20+ years now.

If you two are comfortable with the relationship, it doesn't matter if we think it is too fast or too slow. We are not living your life ;) You may think it is fast compare to "other people" but there are people who dated less than a week and married for over 30+ years and there are some who dated for a long time but married for a short time.

I do suggest that you look into past relationship on "why" it didn't work. Lack of communication? lack of common interest? didn't want to be alone?

my only advice is that you two should know each other vices. Secrets can only hurt a relationship (my opinion) and you be surprise how little quirks can really "irk" you over the years. Make sure you are ok with ALL aspects of your partner and don't try to "live with it" or even "hope to get use to it" because some can.... and some break up because of those little things.
 
J

Jiarn

Emrys said:
My opinion is that your progress is too fast but that's just me. There's no one standard. Some people know that they're dating "the one", jump right into it and have a wonderful life. Some don't realize they're incompatible with the person they're dating for years. Keep talking with your lady and find out what is right for both of you. You'll know it when you hit it.
But for novelty's sake, try to break the three-month mark, huh? ;)
Click to expand...
And opinions are exactly what I'm looking for. -grin-

I personally didn't exactly pick the three month mark, it just sort of fell into place. My first relationship was a "shotgun wedding" situation, I knew we weren't that compatible but tried to work out it for the sake of the child (bad idea, I know, but hey I was 17).

The second relationship three month mark was actually a matter of convience. She was coming over 3-4x a week till 3am, having to drive home 30+ minutes, wake up at 10am, I'd drive over to her place and drop off my kids at 10:30am till I got out of work at 5pm, then go pick them up and repeat. So it made sense just to live together.

This relationship, everything just feels right and the only reason I'd want things to progress faster is because being away from her just drives me nuts and we end up talking (phone/WoW/text/facebook) every night and see each other every 2-3 days. I'm driven simply by the fact that she makes me ridiculously happy in every aspect of my life.

Chibibar said:
To be honest, the "speed" of a relationship rest solely on you and your partner. You should have a conversation with your partner if it is "too fast" or "too slow"
Click to expand...
I'm pretty sure we're very much on the same page, she voices it pretty clearly, but a solid talk would probably be something I bring up in the future.

Chibibar said:
I do suggest that you look into past relationship on "why" it didn't work. Lack of communication? lack of common interest? didn't want to be alone?

my only advice is that you two should know each other vices. Secrets can only hurt a relationship (my opinion) and you be surprise how little quirks can really "irk" you over the years. Make sure you are ok with ALL aspects of your partner and don't try to "live with it" or even "hope to get use to it" because some can.... and some break up because of those little things.
Click to expand...
Yeah I mentioned the failings of my past relationships in my first or second post I think, and it's most definitely not an issue here. As for secrets, I told her about the situation with my ex very openly and it really did make us stronger for how honest and open she realized I was going to be with her. As for irks? I'm sure they'll be some in the future, but as things are still fresh and new, I havne't found any yet. The things that would have irked me and DID irk me even early on in previous relationships are just not there.
 
Cajungal

Cajungal

Staff member
You know there is no one time table. You know why past relationships didn't work. Just pay attention and try to keep one foot on the floor. My boyfriend and I decided to be exclusive after a very short time, and it worked out. I've seen friends and family commit after the same amount of time and fall apart. The important thing is to have fun but continue to think clearly. Good luck to y'all. You're a cute couple.
 
sixpackshaker

sixpackshaker

My word of warning is, some people take "lets slow things down a while" as a sign that you do not trust them.

It has blown up in my face a time or two.
 
J

Jiarn

Thank you Cajungal, all our friends have had to start taking insulin shots due to overwhelming sweetness we bring everywhere we go. -big grin-

Oh I wouldn't even remotely come close to saying that to her, I don't desire that in the least.
 
LittleSin

LittleSin

Jesus Null. -_-

I'm just going to say that your the only one who knows what feels right...but remember, girls don't usually show their crazy until at least two years in. :p
 
Officer_Charon

Officer_Charon

"You'll be moving so fast that Mother Nature will be all like 'SLOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN,' and you'll be all 'FUCK YOU,' as you kick her in her face with your ENERGY LEGS(tm)!"

Seriously though, it sounds like, from everything that you've been saying that she's a fantastic catch, but give it some time. Even if it's not a case of her being a closet cereal murderer or teddy bear molester (Protip: not an automatic deal-breaker, either), there may be something that she does that, while it may not bother you now, will drive you absolutely SPARE later.

Enjoy the sweet honeymoon period, have fun making others nauseous in public. Don't sit there, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but don't throw yourself in headlong, either. If she's the one, then y'all have the rest of your lives together to work everything out. No sense in rushing into stuff.

Keep your steady pace and, if nothing else, she'll be so wound up from missing you, even a little bit, that you'll be lucky to make it in through the door. *chuckles*

Good luck, mon ami!
 
J

Jiarn

Null said:
Your relationships haven't all had you in them? How's that work?
Click to expand...
The main thing my last relationships had in common was lack of any type of interests what so ever.

LittleSin said:
I'm just going to say that your the only one who knows what feels right...but remember, girls don't usually show their crazy until at least two years in. :p
Click to expand...
Crazy? Oh I can deal with crazy, I've done it very well for a number of years. Crazy I can work with. Dealing with a person who refuses to even attempt to "get me" even though I do everything in my power to "get her"? Yeah, nothing I can do about that. Thanks for the advice though!

Officer_Charon said:
"You'll be moving so fast that Mother Nature will be all like 'SLOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN,' and you'll be all 'FUCK YOU,' as you kick her in her face with your ENERGY LEGS(tm)!"

Seriously though, it sounds like, from everything that you've been saying that she's a fantastic catch, but give it some time. Even if it's not a case of her being a closet cereal murderer or teddy bear molester (Protip: not an automatic deal-breaker, either), there may be something that she does that, while it may not bother you now, will drive you absolutely SPARE later.

Enjoy the sweet honeymoon period, have fun making others nauseous in public. Don't sit there, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but don't throw yourself in headlong, either. If she's the one, then y'all have the rest of your lives together to work everything out. No sense in rushing into stuff.

Keep your steady pace and, if nothing else, she'll be so wound up from missing you, even a little bit, that you'll be lucky to make it in through the door. *chuckles*

Good luck, mon ami!
Click to expand...
Powerthirst reference ftw!

I really do love driving our friends nuts with our PDA though -laugh- As for lucky to make it through the door? Well the moments the kids are settled into their play routines... I'm lucky to make it past the living room -wink-

I'm definitely not seeing any reason to rush things with her, I know she'll always be here for me whenever we can make time, and we do, alot. I just also know that I see so much in her that I've never seen in anyone, and that's because I was married once and in a long LONG term committed relationship.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
My wife and I knew each other a month when we started talking marriage. That will be 18 years in July. My brother and his first wife dated for a long time. It didn't last.

Each couple is different. It's all in how you both handle the times right after the honeymoon phase when things start to drag.
 
figmentPez

figmentPez

Staff member
LittleSin said:
I'm just going to say that your the only one who knows what feels right...but remember, girls don't usually show their crazy until at least two years in. :p
Click to expand...
So, have I dated unusual girls, or am I just really good at getting them to show off the crazy early?
 
@Li3n

@Li3n

Jiarn said:
As some of you caught my new dating situation in the dating thread, I've been seeing someone for little under a month. Also some of you may know my previous dating history of moving too fast. I'm really curious to get a nice large assesment of people's opinions on what relationship "pace" usually looks like. Opinions or experience definitely appreciated.

Ex: One of my best friends at work, dated for 6 weeks, got married and has now been together, with two kids for 6 years happily.

My history in a nutshell:

First real relationship = 3 months dating, got pregnant, got married, had a second child 2 years in, divorced after 4years. Reason: Serious lack of things in common and inability to get passed them.

Second relatinonship = 3 months of dating, moved in together, raised our kids together, split after 7ears. Reason: Serious lack of things in common and inability to get passed them.

This relationship = Less than a month dating, have 99% of things in common (likes/dislikes/future plans/outlook on life and parenting). Things progressing quickly.
Click to expand...

Hmmm.... sounds to me like you have an inability to figure out if you have things in common in less then 3 months... try 4 months this time...
 
J

Jiarn

Actually the sad part is, in both situations I KNEW we didn't have much in common. I was driven by "other reasons".

This time I have real reasons for my drive, real reasons to want more, and a real concrete base to build on.
 
fade

fade

Staff member
But you've had experience. I mean, that's 11 years of marriage, so you ought to be able to gauge your own relationships by now. If it seems fine, maybe it is. The main reason that people say "Slow down" is because everyone is pretty to everyone at the beginning. There's that breaking point, though, where the very thing you found attractive could be the thing that annoys you the most. It happens.
 
J

Jiarn

Hm, so at one point I could find the fact that we share everything in common and love doing the same things annoying? I'm finding that a very hard concept to wrap my brain around. Not saying it can't happen, I'm just curious on the logistics.
 
fade

fade

Staff member
I'm not a relationship expert, but actually, I could totally see that becoming a bother. Some space certainly becomes desirable after a while. But I was really thinking more about "that way she does X" or "isn't it cute that she does Y".
 
J

Jiarn

Ah ok I follow you now Fade.

I'm a weird creature though, I've never desired "space" in my relationships. As a matter of fact it was usually the other person who wanted the space and felt that I was "around too much".

Might I find somethingelse annoying? Oh I'm sure that'll come around. It's how much that will weigh against everything that I do enjoy about her. For my past, the fact that we had nothing in common out weighed whatever good was there.
 
@Li3n

@Li3n

Ok dude, i think it's obvious that your problem before wasn't moving too fast, but doing it with someone you had little in common... the scientific thing to do is to change that variable first... then you move on to the time variable... and we'll check back in 10 years for results...
 
C

Chibibar

My wife and I are still together after 10 years. We are actually apart (i.e. not in the same city) about total 10 days. We work at the same place. We eat lunch together. We shop etc etc. We have "mini" space where I play my MMO in my office and she watches her TV but never really apart. It works for some people. I know that some of my co-workers wonder how we do it since they said that they can't even stand spending 24/7 in the same place all the time.
 
Null

Null

At least he's asking us for our input, since obviously we'll know more about his current relationship and history of relationships than he does.
 
J

Jiarn

@Li3n said:
Ok dude, i think it's obvious that your problem before wasn't moving too fast, but doing it with someone you had little in common... the scientific thing to do is to change that variable first... then you move on to the time variable... and we'll check back in 10 years for results...
Click to expand...
Well Dave will never die, so therefore Halforums will be here for me to gladly report my findings. -grin-

Null said:
At least he's asking us for our input, since obviously we'll know more about his current relationship and history of relationships than he does.
Click to expand...
I know you're trolling me at this point Null, but I'm going to bite anyway.

You completely misunderstood the purpose of this thread. I'm not looking for advice on MY relationship, I was looking for a consensus of people's opinions and experiences in fast/slow relationships.

I'm sorry you didn't understand.
 
C

Chibibar

Well.. to sum up. Jiarn and your mate need an open communication between the two. Yea, the "honeymoon" is nice (heck we are still on ours and for some people it will always be and some, not so much) but go at the pace you are both comfortable with. Maybe living with each other later before "jumping to marriage" unless both of you are REALLY sure about it. Also maybe break the whole 3 month cycle too ;) (I can be a little superstitious sometimes) make it 5 months and give it a go ;) (if you are both ready)
 
J

Jiarn

I would definitely live with her for at least half a year before considering marriage.
 
@Li3n

@Li3n

Well then, OP problem solved, and all that's left is for people to give you general relationship advice based on unrepresentative samples that will offer you no actual quantifiable data... enjoy.
 
J

Jiarn

Um... I wasn't looking for relationship advice....

Doesn't seem like everyone actually read the first post -sigh-
 
J

Jiarn

Well I was still curious to see more information from other sources, personal experiences/opinions and such but I did enjoy what I got so far.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top