What the? How did I miss reading that??
Have some of my knuckles too, Nick.
Have some of my knuckles too, Nick.
Not having sex until your wedding night -
- Thread starter Charlie Don't Surf
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North_Ranger
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Also, late to the party... I remember once actually having an argument about this with the ex (The Psycho Biyada yada yada...), because at the time I said I could respect someone making that kind of a decision and going through with it. She took it as me calling her a whore for she had already done the deed. Guess I should've seen something was amiss...
Anyway, sex before marriage... My opinion has since changed somewhat. If someone wants to do it, more power to them. But it is gambling with something that is an essential component in a relationship. That's why you take a new car for a spin before buying it; you have to get a feel for it to see if it's the right car for you.
And no, Bones, you're not supposed to have sex with your car. Pull your pants up.
Anyway, sex before marriage... My opinion has since changed somewhat. If someone wants to do it, more power to them. But it is gambling with something that is an essential component in a relationship. That's why you take a new car for a spin before buying it; you have to get a feel for it to see if it's the right car for you.
And no, Bones, you're not supposed to have sex with your car. Pull your pants up.
Virginity is the cherry on the wedding cake.
North_Ranger
Staff member
Whose virginity, if you don't mind me asking? Because two cherries on top of a cake just looks silly...
If I feel close enough to someone, why put off having sex? It's putting something up on a pedestal that really doesn't belong up there in my opinion. But whatever floats anyone's boat really, it's just not for me.
And I agree with the view stated earlier that sexual compatibility is something you work on, if you fit together personality wise, sexual compatibility shouldn't be so hard to achieve with a little effort. So the whole taking a car for a spin first comparison seems kinda odd to me.
And I agree with the view stated earlier that sexual compatibility is something you work on, if you fit together personality wise, sexual compatibility shouldn't be so hard to achieve with a little effort. So the whole taking a car for a spin first comparison seems kinda odd to me.
North_Ranger
Staff member
Eh, I haven't had the chance to get behind the wheel in a while, so I just wrote the first 'testing the waters' thing that came to my mind.
you are a gentleman and a scholar sir...a true friend to the end....
how about, why buy the cow when the milk is free?
Or lucky?
Or normal?
Paging Dr. Kinsey.
Or possibly we understood going in that marriage is about learning and working together. Not to mention that a couples sex life, like most other areas of life, is something that a couple can and should grow together in. Every relationship will have it's issues. For some they will be sexual, for others financial, for others lifestyle issues. If you aren't aware of that going in and willing to work at it your relationship, no doubt about it, will fail.
Sex is a big deal in a relationship, no doubt, but it's not that biggest issue a relationship will face. If you can communicate then you can deal with 99% of the "issues" that you will face, sexual or otherwise. If you can't... see the underlined above.
Also I am lucky, I have a great wife who is willing to be open and honest and work through things (both sexual and non) rather than freak out and think our relationship won't work if we hit a rough patch. However lucky I may be, if she hadn't been like that I wouldn't have wasted my time marrying her so... it's a little luck and little making good choices I suppose.
It is just a biological function. as long as the person was not traumatized in some way, and you love each other, you should be compatible....
Kinsey discovered that while there is some uniformity to sexual preferences, people are not completely uniform. Sexual compatibility is actually a thing and implied in that phrase is that people can be sexually incompatible.
Communication is great and I am a strong advocate for it. But you cannot convince someone that they enjoy anal sex, for example, or that they should take less time to get sufficiently aroused. Preferences CAN differ.
M
makare
What if one is super kinky and the other one isn't? Someone is going to have a crappy time.
By the way, I say these things as someone who has only had one partner. I am happily married but the psychologist part of me understands that people do vary, in personality, in intelligence, in anxiety or depression, and in sexual preferences.
Of course they can. In fact I would argue they almost always do.
I would also argue that that can be a big part of the fun in a committed sexual life, exploring those preferences and growing together, even if it means you don't get that *insert sex act* you love every single time you have sex.
M
makare
If you are lucky enough to mesh sexually that's great but what if you aren't? If you stay married that is a lifetime of really mediocre sex.
Is there no room in that view for the idea that couples can actually, like any other area of life, work on improving their sex life? If so then those couples my wife has worked with at her private practice must be making it all up.
*Keep in mind there are issues, notably trauma oriented, that can be... almost impossible for people to deal with. I'm talking about general sexual preferences, etc. Nothing associate with severe trauma, etc.
M
makare
I didn't say anything like that but your sarcastic tone is pretty insulting. Thanks.
M
makare
Maybe you don't know what sarcasm is.
Sometimes dramatically.
Now for my personal opinion: I am not bound by religion so I don't feel that sex before marriage is inherently bad or sinful. I do think there are plenty of reasons to be cautious, however, including STDs and pregnancy. More importantly, men and women have evolved to approach sex differently. Men have a lower cost in engaging in sex than women. They can sleep around and then disappear with little in the way of consequences. Women have few options if they are stuck with a pregnancy. On top of that, men appear to have a programmed limit to their monogamy of, on average, about 4 years. After that, the mother is generally able to take care of the child without needing long-term assistance from the father. Survival of his offspring has increased dramatically and he can go spread his genes elsewhere. These tendencies can be suppressed, obviously, but they have a genuine impact on the manner of the relationship and the length and health of it. If a couple engages in sex right away, with little to no bonding or emotional foundation, is it going to survive beyond that 4 year mark? I think the odds of doing so would drop quite a bit. "Just having fun" relationships cater to the male's tendency to breed and run and modern technology has allowed people to do this with much less risk than before. I can't find anything to disapprove of, really, except that maybe they aren't weighting the risks enough. The serious couples, though, should perhaps at least wait before having sex to establish something of a foundation, how to communicate, etc. I don't think it needs to be until marriage, though, since I view marriage more as an open declaration of an existing relationship and less as a binding contract (for lack of a better word).
Wife and I didn't wait till we were married, couldn't even wait a week really.
Actually it took nearly 7 years before I decided to even pop the question, due to fears brought on by my father being married three times in his life. I realized by year 7 that she was sticking out with me and I knew we could make the long haul.
She is the only person I have ever gone "all the way" with, my teen years it was pretty much all foreplay but no sex with my ex-girlfriends. I guess that counts for something.
Actually it took nearly 7 years before I decided to even pop the question, due to fears brought on by my father being married three times in his life. I realized by year 7 that she was sticking out with me and I knew we could make the long haul.
She is the only person I have ever gone "all the way" with, my teen years it was pretty much all foreplay but no sex with my ex-girlfriends. I guess that counts for something.
In order for the above to be a problem, one must first assume that
1) sexual preferences are unchangeable and do not, or cannot easily, adapt
2) the relationship is not based on something stronger or more important than sex
Now, we can split hairs about both of the above - and sex is certainly an important component of most relationships. But I love my wife beyond sex and many other considerations, and if the sexual component of our marriage were completely removed my love for her wouldn't suddenly die with it. Maybe we have a magical fairy tale love that people pine about in sappy love songs, but I suspect our love isn't any stronger than anyone else's love - just like anything else in this world that's worth having, it takes effort from both people, and is a partnership.
The belief that relationships are primarily defined by sex seems to me a pretty cynical view of the world.
I would say that romantic relationships by default are sexual. They don't have to be, but reproduction is the primary drive of a romantic relationship. I don't say it cynically, but rather from an evolutionary basis. Call me cynical if you like, though.
M
makare
Either way isn't for everyone and finding out ahead of time before marrying is the only way of finding out before marrying. I hate to be so redundant but that is the only way to make my point.
As I said above in my completely anecdotal nonscientific statement that woman waited and her sex life was awful. It was also a major cause for her to divorce. So the fact that sex lives can be adapted or adjusted for some people is not relevant to all people.
As I said above in my completely anecdotal nonscientific statement that woman waited and her sex life was awful. It was also a major cause for her to divorce. So the fact that sex lives can be adapted or adjusted for some people is not relevant to all people.
Gah. I'm really not interested in fighting with you about what my intentions were. Despite what you may believe, there was no sarcasm towards you or anyone in my statement (although I just noticed you posted my first comment, which was, I thought clearly, meant to be a joke about the things people are saying about folks who choose to wait. I suppose I should have tossed a
to be clear it was a light hearted joke and nothing more). If you want to read something into them that isn't here thats fine, I can't stop you. It's an interesting discussion and I'd much rather hear what you really think rather than argue about perceived tone.
If this never came up in conversation before the wedding, there is a serious failure in communication going on anyways.
To be clear, in now way do I think that couples that wait have a better chance of succeeding than couples that don't. Life's a funny thing, and in the end I believe communication end up playing the larger role than when you start having sex. My wife and I waiting isn't a moral judgement on anyone. It sounds to me like you made a good choice in marrying this woman
Added at: 11:09
Which, in my experience, seems to be the real cause of failure for many relationships and marriages. We had a great pre-marriage counselor and he brought up TONS of stuff, things that made us uncomfortable to talk about but man, am I glad he did. He raised issues we have had to deal with and thanks to him bringing it up we had some tools to be able to do so pretty well.
I feel like people misconstrue in this manner when I tell people I don't drink alcohol. For what it's worth, I don't feel like you are judging anyone. Nor does it matter if you are, since you aren't in any position to do anything about it. :-p
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