[Question] staying out without your partner

[fool]

So, I'm a 25 year old married man.

I like to go out and play DND with my friends and sometimes the games can go late into the night. Is my wife right to demand that I come back by 12:00 and how can I say I need to go without coming off as a whipped son of a bitch.

I never feel like having an affair or anything silly like that except for when my wife accuses me of doing it when I go to play RPGs. We all know about the raving whores that attend DND sessions right?

 

[Bowielee]

If your friends don't understand why you would want to keep your wife happy, they either have terrible wives or none at all.

Just sayin.

 

[PatrThom]

Who would you rather spend the rest of your life with? Your wife, your friends, or alone?

--Patrick

 

[Ravenpoe]

I'm not married, so I can't offer any advice from experience. But this is the internet, so I'm going to anyway.

If you're spending every night of the week out until 6am, then your wife has a good reason to ask that you be home earlier. But if you're only staying out one night a week for a DND game, she really should trust you enough to be out on your own. You're not a little kid that she has to babysit. You're a goddamn adult.

 

[phil]

Invite her?

 

[Krisken]

I am married, and have been for 5 years now. Pick your battles carefully and always be sure to be respectful of her position/opinion (no matter how crazy it may sound to you).

What are her reasons for wanting you home by a certain time? Does she miss you? Not want to be woken up by you coming home late? Not want to sit up worrying if you are ok when you are out? You may find the reasons she gives will give a better understanding of her concerns and you may find a way to mitigate them.

 

[Mathias]

You're married. Just come home at 12. As for your friends commenting on being whipped...

Dude, they're fucking D&D players...

 

[Espy]

I am married, and have been for 5 years now. Pick your battles carefully and always be sure to be respectful of her position/opinion (no matter how crazy it may sound to you).

What are her reasons for wanting you home by a certain time? Does she miss you? Not want to be woken up by you coming home late? Not want to sit up worrying if you are ok when you are out? You may find the reasons she gives will give a better understanding of her concerns and you may find a way to mitigate them.

This.

 

[ElJuski]

Personally, I find her demands a little too bitchy. Why can't you have one night a week playing some DND with your friends?

Um, but really, just talk to the girl, instead of posting on the internet about it.

 

[strawman]

Sounds like newlyweds. I'd be surprised if this suddenly happened after 5 years of marriage. You both came into this marriage with different expectations. You'll have to iron them out, and more often than not it will feel like you're giving up more than you should have to. Hopefully you've already decided that keeping your partner happy is more important than most other things you used to prioritize.

If it's necessary to your basic happiness to be able to stay out without nagging, then you'll have to explain this need to your partner, and reach some sort of compromise.

Otherwise, you should be willing to sacrifice that extra play time to give your partner confidence that you put her above your friends and games.

If game night is a once a month occurrence, then I'd say she's asking too much.

If you have game night once or more per week, then I'd say setting a deadline is reasonable. You might want to work backwards - if you have to be back by midnight, and you need a four hour session, start at 7 or 8. If you really need 6-8 hours of game time once a week or more frequently, then I think you may have to reconsider your priorities.

Somewhere between once a week and once a month means you'll have a harder time figuring out a compromise that makes you both happy, but it shouldn't be that difficult.

If you two have only been married for a year or so, then I'd recommend giving in to her demands and living with it for awhile - there are many other things you two still have to get used to, and if you are apart - and especially if your friends are making fun of your relationship, then you aren't going to be making decisions that will help you grow closer together.

When in doubt, spend more time together - not less.

 

[Shegokigo]

If she's accusing you of having an affair instead of being out with your friends (if that's what her real concern is anyway) just bring a mini-cam with you, tell your friends you want to tape a session, and set it up to tape the entire thing. Then MAKE her sit through the whole thing and see if she complains again.

 

[Espy]

I knew a guy who did something similar several nights a week.

He got divorced within a year.

I've known lots of other guys who do this once a week/couple times a month and everything is dandy.

 

[ElJuski]

I mean, she sounds like she has control issues! But we have absolutely no context. I think you're allowed, once a week, to go hang out with your friends, and she's allowed, once a week, to go do something that she wants to do. If you guys need to be attached to the hip, well, for one, that probably explains why at 25 you're already married, or, it's going to explain why years down the road your marriage ain't going nowhere!

but again, lack of context, internet posting, etc etc

 

[Dave]

My wife was the same way when we first got married. But hen again I was gaming a couple times a week. I switched it to once a week and held a couple games at my house so she could see what really went on. Most of what you're going through is her not knowing what you are doing.

Compromise is a beautiful thing.

And your last line...I know you were joking but I promise you that's something you don't joke about with a woman who might be a tad insecure. It does nothing but fester into something bigger than it should be.

 

[strawman]

And your last line...I know you were joking but I promise you that's something you don't joke about with a woman who might be a tad insecure. It does nothing but fester into something bigger than it should be.

This is important - don't spend any time belittling her concerns. They are her concerns, and as her husband they are therefore your concerns. As laughable as they may be, take them seriously and do what you can to allay her fears, if not resolve them.

 

[ncts_dodge_man]

Being a married gamer (with a kid), I'll agree with everyone who says to sit down and discuss with her the issues she may or may not have with gaming. My (non-gaming) wife wasn't sure about it at first, but after we sat down and talked about it being one of my very few stress relievers, she's okay with it.

Other suggestions: take her with and have her listen in, tell her she can have one night (or that night) out on her own as well, take another night as a "date" night that nobody else can "interfere" with.

 

[Dave]

It also might be your friends. Are they bad influences? Are they the type (like my friend) who constantly points out hot chicks, whether my wife is there or not? Are they drunken fools?

Personally, depending on what time you start playing, midnight is a good time to stop. And once you get kids, that 12 is going to seem so fucking late you won't know how you used to stay up that late...

 

[Shegokigo]

It really seems like most of this advice is an echo of my idea.

Mini-Cam game session, on projector, at your house, solves everything.

 

[strawman]

It really seems like most of this advice is an echo of my idea.

If the only tool you have is a shotgun, every problem starts looking like a zombie.

 

[Shegokigo]

But seriously, if her main complaint is that she doesn't believe he's doing what he's doing so late, there's the proof. Solid and concrete. No excuses. Argument over.

If her problem with his gaming is somethingelse, then my idea isn't very valid.

 

[Dave]

It's a guy telling us what he says the problem his wife has with his hobby. My guess is that this is either incomplete or totally incorrect. Very, very seldom am I right on about what my wife is mad/upset about until she tells me right out.

 

[Shegokigo]

I never feel like having an affair or anything silly like that except for when my wife accuses me of doing it when I go to play RPGs.

That was the focus of my response. She either has a problem with his gaming because:

A) She doesn't think he's actually there, he's really doing somethingelse (Hilarious Mini-Cam idea solves the problem)
B) She's upset that she doesn't have a similar outlet
C) She wishes he'd spend more time with her (which he should do so that he can have his one night out a week)[/quote]

 

[Ravenpoe]

But seriously, if her main complaint is that she doesn't believe he's doing what he's doing so late, there's the proof. Solid and concrete. No excuses. Argument over.

If her problem with his gaming is somethingelse, then my idea isn't very valid.

Handy cam won't work, it's too rational. You have to think like a chick here, which is anything but rational.

*ducks*

 

[strawman]

It's a guy telling us what he says the problem his wife has with his hobby. My guess is that this is either incomplete or totally incorrect. Very, very seldom am I right on about what my wife is mad/upset about until she tells me right out.

Very true. If one person tends to keep their arguments logical, the other person may not feel free to discuss what is largely an emotional and possibly irrational issue they are experiencing, since it will often be dismissed (ie, "man up", or "therapy!"). So they come up with other reasons that could support the issue, completely stepping over the real issue. They may not even realize what the issue is, and are guessing - trying to describe their vague feeling of discomfort or unhappiness.

If only we had an example of such a situation here on the forum it might be instructive for those who haven't had to deal with this situation before...

 

[Hailey Knight]

I like the "invite her" suggestion.

Really, if the issue is trust, then you have a bigger problem going on than D&D sessions. If it's something else--well, none of us know. That's really something that needs to be discussed with her, calmly, to find out why it's a problem. Solving a problem becomes much easier then.

That's my advice, as it is with others. My personal opinion? I don't see why you couldn't go out once every week or two and stay out late.

Every now and then, my wife stays out late with her friends. 3:00 in the morning sometimes. As far as I'm concerned, she's a grown adult and can do what she wants. I just call her at a point to remind her that however tired she gets, she's still gonna have to make it home and should make sure she leaves with enough energy to make the drive. And every now and then, I head up to New York for a weekend to visit with my friends, who are all women, and I sleep at their apartment.

The only complaints either of us give the other concern waking each other up by coming in late/her missing me when I'm gone. But we spend a lot of time together otherwise and fall asleep again pretty easily, so it's made up for. Maybe you could make it up to her somehow.

 

[Cajungal]

Krisken is right. If you haven't yet, you need to find out more about why she wants you to come home. What kind of neighborhood do y'all live in? Is it one where she might get nervous alone? Or maybe she just really wants to find something that the two of you to do together.

That said, I don't want to downplay the importance of partners having their own interests. Maybe she doesn't know how important those nights are to you. I'm sure that you'll reach a compromise if you talk about it. Good luck.

 

[This is OP here]

1) we work together so we see each other at the office from 8am to 8pm and at home most days. I take an hour a day to go to the gym when I can actually be by myself. Somedays when we have to work late we are in the office until 2-3 in the morning and if I am with a client my wife has no problem with me going out late drinking into the wee hours of the morning Because it is what I have to do (I hate drinking, it goes against my religion and every time I do it, I feel like I'm selling a little bit of my soul for money and it certainly doesn't release pressure for me in the same way that a good session of make believe does).

2) She has said that she is worried about what I mentioned

3) we live in a high-class neighborhood

I've tried talking to her about it. I have brought her to a couple of sessions. People aren't making fun of me, there are two married men (1 w/kids, 1 expecting) and one divorced guy and two university students. But I feel bad about the situation and I want it to change without creating problems. I love my wife and she is more important than some stupid game, which is why I do come back when she feels comfortable but really, I hate the feeling of being dragged home by someone who is already asleep and is usually snoring loudly when I get back.

We are playing in the married guys house because his wife is about to give birth. Maybe after she gives birth I'll see if I can get everyone to come over for a session or two but I live on the edge of town and everyone else lives downtown.

 

[Cajungal]

Whew, working together too? Seems like you could get away with staying out late once in a while, at least.

 

[Espy]

Well... marriage is all about compromise, and both parties have to be willing to do that. It sounds to me like you and her get to spend a lot of time together but it's "work" time rather than time spent connecting and maybe thats all she's craving. Time with you that isn't work and/or stressful. Chances are she doesn't really care you are out late one night every now and then.

Do you guys have a regular date night? If you are setting some serious time aside every week to focus on each other than I think maybe she needs to be willing to compromise a bit here. If you guys aren't making time to connect and work on your relationship/just plain love on each other then maybe thats the real issue here.

Just thinking out loud.


EDIT: In fact, the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm convinced this probably has nothing to do with you staying out late or playing D&D. There's something else going on that probably needs to be addressed. As cheesy as it has become to say it... you guys might consider a little couples therapy. As the husband of a Family and Marriage therapist I can tell you this is exactly the kind of thing lots of couples need the help of a therapies to work through, it can be super healthy. Good luck man.

 

[Cajungal]

^Hm, that is a good point. Working with Jake at the restaurant last summer didn't really make me tired of hanging out with him. It actually made me miss hanging out with him doing fun stuff and not just seating his customers.

 

[ThatNickGuy]

I've never seen working and living together as a healthy thing. That's just seeing too much of one person.

 

[Espy]

It's not impossible or necessarily unhealthy, it really depends on the couple. And I can't say that THAT is the real underlying issues, just that it sounds like a reasonable culprit but seriously a good LMFT would probably way more help than us common folk.

 

[strawman]

The main issue of working all day together is that you might be tempted to think of that time as "together time" and therefore spend out of work time apart.

Work time is, generally speaking, not together time.

 

[Shegokigo]

He just confirmed the "cheating" concern.

Mini-Cam forced watch session it is!

 

[Hailey Knight]

He said she's worried about the thing he mentioned, i.e. an affair. Which doesn't make sense since she's been to sessions. She's gotta know that isn't happening at D&D.