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A poem
#1
Gothomo
Gothomo
#2
Null
Null
#3
Element 117
Element 117
#4
Thread Necromancer
Thread Necromancer
#5
Krisken
Krisken
#6
Gothomo
Gothomo
It's notable that my poem has nothing to do with cutting my wrists or being angry about my lost love.
Who writes a blog about that?
Not important. The internet is a place to be serious. Grr.
Regardless, thanks for the critique. Not from Fangoria, from the person who actually critiqued
Who writes a blog about that?
Not important. The internet is a place to be serious. Grr.
Regardless, thanks for the critique. Not from Fangoria, from the person who actually critiqued
#7
ElJuski
ElJuski
I think the only part of the poem that really caught me eye was the last stanza. The rest, I think, is just too generic, overused and doesn't have any impact for me. When writing poetry, every word should count, each syllable should be measured. It needs to be lean, impressive, and carry its style. I don't really see that in your work--though this is the only thing of yours that I've seen).
Also, the enjambment is really bothersome, but I think that's also because the rest seems so generic. I think you're trying too hard to sound Important and Deep, when it's severely crippling the emotional significance you're trying to convey.
---------- Post added at 10:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:29 PM ----------
Haha, I love how my serious critique of someone's work is in Comic Sans
Also, the enjambment is really bothersome, but I think that's also because the rest seems so generic. I think you're trying too hard to sound Important and Deep, when it's severely crippling the emotional significance you're trying to convey.
---------- Post added at 10:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:29 PM ----------
Haha, I love how my serious critique of someone's work is in Comic Sans
#8
Gothomo
Gothomo
#9
ElJuski
ElJuski
#10
Gusto
Gusto
#11
ElJuski
ElJuski
#12
Gothomo
Gothomo
#13
Dave
Dave
#14
Gusto
Gusto
Just most of us. 
#15
Null
Null
#16
Element 117
Element 117
Indeed. And here I was just getting bored. The Mighty Wordsmythe Who Will Always Write Better Than You has returned!Just most of us.
#17
Gothomo
---------- Post added at 05:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:38 PM ----------
Ooh, Fangoria has returned from Spencer's with her sparkly dildo and a copy of Twilight. Lovely.
---------- Post added at 05:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:39 PM ----------
---------- Post added at 05:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:41 PM ----------
I still love you. Can we get steak some time or something?
Gothomo
Not at all. It's still a bit of a sore spot for her. She's not an artist by trade and she's rather proud of the work accomplished on Gothomo. The way that people here treated her abilities on this forum was kind of like kicking a puppy for not being able to eat dry food.
---------- Post added at 05:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:38 PM ----------
Ooh, Fangoria has returned from Spencer's with her sparkly dildo and a copy of Twilight. Lovely.
---------- Post added at 05:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:39 PM ----------
Fair point. Not my best work, but I do like it. It needs a lot of revision to be presentable, but that is, after all, why I asked for some help
---------- Post added at 05:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:41 PM ----------
Indeed. And here I was just getting bored. The Mighty Wordsmythe Who Will Always Write Better Than You has returned![/QUOTE]Just most of us.
I still love you. Can we get steak some time or something?
#18
Element 117
Element 117
#19
Gothomo
Gothomo
#20
Element 117
Element 117
#21
Gothomo
Gothomo
#22
Dave
Dave
#23
Null
Null
#25
Element 117
Element 117
#26
Null
[/QUOTE]
Nope, I just thought it was a terrifically cheesy line. Still, head and shoulders above your other works.
Null
Good then, I'm glad you got the point
[/QUOTE]Nope, I just thought it was a terrifically cheesy line. Still, head and shoulders above your other works.
#27
Gothomo
Gothomo
#28
Null
Null
#29
Gothomo
Gothomo
#31
Null
Null
#32
Gothomo
[/QUOTE]
INCONCEIVABLE!
---------- Post added at 06:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:20 PM ----------
Gothomo
Metaphorical facepalm.[/QUOTE]
INCONCEIVABLE!
---------- Post added at 06:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:20 PM ----------
#33
Null
Null
#34
Gothomo
For that matter, I doubt that you or Fangoria would ever say that anything I write is good because you have prematurely decided that the entire body of my work is abstract and juvenile. You fail to realize that I am not a poet, nor have I had any formal training on poetry. You also fail to realize that I am new to writing comics.
I readily accept that you don't like my work. You don't have to. Do take a workshop on how to critique though, you're terrible at it.
SMILE
Gothomo
Your post is weak because you anchor your opinion within with one instance of my poetry and some comic scripts that end up being heavily edited by the artist. I understand that you have little else to go on, but do think a moment before assuming anything about my prose.
For that matter, I doubt that you or Fangoria would ever say that anything I write is good because you have prematurely decided that the entire body of my work is abstract and juvenile. You fail to realize that I am not a poet, nor have I had any formal training on poetry. You also fail to realize that I am new to writing comics.
I readily accept that you don't like my work. You don't have to. Do take a workshop on how to critique though, you're terrible at it.
SMILE
#35
Cajungal
Cajungal
#36
Gusto
Gusto
#37
Element 117
SMILE[/QUOTE]
This from the guy who said my blogpost was emo shit!
:laugh:
Element 117
Your post is weak because you anchor it with one instance of my poetry and some comic scripts that end up being heavily edited by the artist.
SMILE
[/QUOTE]This from the guy who said my blogpost was emo shit!
:laugh:
#38
Null
Null
#39
ElJuski
ElJuski
#40
Gusto
Gusto
#41
Gothomo
Gothomo
#42
Cajungal
Cajungal
#43
ElJuski
ElJuski
#44
Gothomo
Gothomo
#45
HCGLNS
HCGLNS
#46
ElJuski
ElJuski
#47
Cajungal
Cajungal
#48
ElJuski
ElJuski
#49
Morphine
Morphine
#50
Gothomo
Gothomo
#51
North_Ranger
North_Ranger
#52
Gothomo
Gothomo
#53
Element 117
Element 117
#54
Null
Null
#55
Gothomo
Gothomo
#56
Chazwozel
If it was between Gothomo and you, I'd rather have him stay and you leave. Just putting that out there.
---------- Post added at 10:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 AM ----------
Since Goth has the balls to throw up one of his poems for critique, I'll do the same:
Ancient
His legs were built sturdy and upright, after race they went
His arms flowed with assurance; pride in craft
grinding the axe; tilling the field to the fresh morning’s scent
His chest pounds the caged spirit, his feet course within the earth
His mind nimble, keen, and alert
ready to divulge into work
for his work was to live and live he did
every breath a blessing, and that he earned
Living life's adventure, never yearning for
times that which lay heavy upon the breast;
oft lead to quagmire and distress.
His was a realm now bereft of merit
Timeless and ancient, long forgo and forgotten
His Hands were thick with calloused memories and ripe with character
[FONT="]
His body dwells and lingers in the remains.[/FONT]
Be gentile, it's my first time.
Chazwozel
Indeed. And here I was just getting bored. The Mighty Wordsmythe Who Will Always Write Better Than You has returned![/QUOTE]Just most of us.
If it was between Gothomo and you, I'd rather have him stay and you leave. Just putting that out there.
---------- Post added at 10:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 AM ----------
Since Goth has the balls to throw up one of his poems for critique, I'll do the same:
Ancient
His legs were built sturdy and upright, after race they went
His arms flowed with assurance; pride in craft
grinding the axe; tilling the field to the fresh morning’s scent
His chest pounds the caged spirit, his feet course within the earth
His mind nimble, keen, and alert
ready to divulge into work
for his work was to live and live he did
every breath a blessing, and that he earned
Living life's adventure, never yearning for
times that which lay heavy upon the breast;
oft lead to quagmire and distress.
His was a realm now bereft of merit
Timeless and ancient, long forgo and forgotten
His Hands were thick with calloused memories and ripe with character
[FONT="]
His body dwells and lingers in the remains.[/FONT]
Be gentile, it's my first time.
#57
Element 117
Element 117
#58
Gothomo
If it was between Gothomo and you, I'd rather have him stay and you leave. Just putting that out there.
---------- Post added at 10:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 AM ----------
Since Goth has the balls to throw up one of his poems for critique, I'll do the same:
Ancient
His legs were built sturdy and upright, after race they went
His arms flowed with assurance; pride in craft
grinding the axe; tilling the field to the fresh morning’s scent
His chest pounds the caged spirit, his feet course within the earth
His mind nimble, keen, and alert
ready to divulge into work
for his work was to live and live he did
every breath a blessing, and that he earned
Living life's adventure, never yearning for
times that which lay heavy upon the breast;
oft lead to quagmire and distress.
His was a realm now bereft of merit
Timeless and ancient, long forgo and forgotten
His Hands were thick with calloused memories and ripe with character
[FONT="]
His body dwells and lingers in the remains.[/FONT]
Be gentile, it's my first time.[/QUOTE]
This is a good start to a poem. Right now though you're doing a lot of telling and not much showing. Show us this person, I want to be able to see what he does and who he is. I have a shadow of an image in my mind but it's your job to give the reader a full impression of what you're trying to convey.
I like the way you describe him (whoever he is).
I know that punctuation is fickle in poetry, but I would prefer more of it in this. I personally prefer all or none when it comes to poetry and right now about half of your punctuation is missing. Don't be afraid to use line breaks instead of punctuation if you prefer that style. I often use no punctuation at all if I can accommodate for it with line breaks. It's ultimately your choice, as long as you make sure that the reader knows how to read your poem.
As B.T. said, make sure that you don't get too redundant with your descriptions. You can use repetition to drive a point but I don't think that it's necessary until you build upon this idea.
Over all, great start. I'd like to see this idea go into greater detail.
Gothomo
Indeed. And here I was just getting bored. The Mighty Wordsmythe Who Will Always Write Better Than You has returned![/QUOTE]Just most of us.
If it was between Gothomo and you, I'd rather have him stay and you leave. Just putting that out there.
---------- Post added at 10:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 AM ----------
Since Goth has the balls to throw up one of his poems for critique, I'll do the same:
Ancient
His legs were built sturdy and upright, after race they went
His arms flowed with assurance; pride in craft
grinding the axe; tilling the field to the fresh morning’s scent
His chest pounds the caged spirit, his feet course within the earth
His mind nimble, keen, and alert
ready to divulge into work
for his work was to live and live he did
every breath a blessing, and that he earned
Living life's adventure, never yearning for
times that which lay heavy upon the breast;
oft lead to quagmire and distress.
His was a realm now bereft of merit
Timeless and ancient, long forgo and forgotten
His Hands were thick with calloused memories and ripe with character
[FONT="]
His body dwells and lingers in the remains.[/FONT]
Be gentile, it's my first time.[/QUOTE]
This is a good start to a poem. Right now though you're doing a lot of telling and not much showing. Show us this person, I want to be able to see what he does and who he is. I have a shadow of an image in my mind but it's your job to give the reader a full impression of what you're trying to convey.
I like the way you describe him (whoever he is).
I know that punctuation is fickle in poetry, but I would prefer more of it in this. I personally prefer all or none when it comes to poetry and right now about half of your punctuation is missing. Don't be afraid to use line breaks instead of punctuation if you prefer that style. I often use no punctuation at all if I can accommodate for it with line breaks. It's ultimately your choice, as long as you make sure that the reader knows how to read your poem.
As B.T. said, make sure that you don't get too redundant with your descriptions. You can use repetition to drive a point but I don't think that it's necessary until you build upon this idea.
Over all, great start. I'd like to see this idea go into greater detail.
#59
ElJuski
ElJuski
#60
Krisken
Krisken
#61
Gothomo
Gothomo
#62
Element 117
Element 117
#63
Krisken
Krisken
#64
ElJuski
ElJuski
#65
Krisken
Krisken
#66
ElJuski
ElJuski