A poem

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G

Gothomo

I could use some critique on this one.

Erebus in the Outer Darkness
GP


As shadow of night washed over me
I realized I had never before
looked properly at darkness.
Not with my eyes, in any case.
There is something cleaner
in the darkness
than in the light;
Something unstained by the light
of day.

In my moment of tranquility
lights of the city,
broke my conscious dream.
I glanced back towards it
and wished it were gone.
My moment of quiet
was expended for the time being.
The concept of it departing
for long was foolish.
It could always return,
as soon as I missed it.

In all its essence and silence,
the night was defiant.
Its subtlety was counteracted by
disgust,
uttered only by a fainthearted
affection.
Still, the night in all it had
to offer
was expressed only by those
soaking it in.

I, the wild-eyed idealist,
She, the spirited child of fire.
My heart, the fearful budding,
Her heart, the calm in the storm.
And if our very existence is
punctuated
by four identical orange specs
on the low horizon,
who is there to defy us?
 
Null

Null

I think it's too abstract to really be able to work. Concrete terms anchor your work and keep it from dissolving like morning fog. Basically, while your terms may mean something to you, because they're abstract, they don't have a real meaning for someone else.

To quote Ezra Pound: "Go in fear of abstractions."
 
E

Element 117

haha. This is the guy who said my blog was the worst emo bullshit ever? Awesome.
 
G

Gothomo

It's notable that my poem has nothing to do with cutting my wrists or being angry about my lost love.

Who writes a blog about that?

Not important. The internet is a place to be serious. Grr.

Regardless, thanks for the critique. Not from Fangoria, from the person who actually critiqued ;)
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
I think the only part of the poem that really caught me eye was the last stanza. The rest, I think, is just too generic, overused and doesn't have any impact for me. When writing poetry, every word should count, each syllable should be measured. It needs to be lean, impressive, and carry its style. I don't really see that in your work--though this is the only thing of yours that I've seen).

Also, the enjambment is really bothersome, but I think that's also because the rest seems so generic. I think you're trying too hard to sound Important and Deep, when it's severely crippling the emotional significance you're trying to convey.

---------- Post added at 10:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:29 PM ----------

Haha, I love how my serious critique of someone's work is in Comic Sans :D :D
 
G

Gothomo

I'll take your comments into consideration when I rewrite this. At this point the only part of this that I really like is the last stanza, being that everything else is useless repetition of that idea.
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
Gothomo said:
I'll take your comments into consideration when I rewrite this. At this point the only part of this that I really like is the last stanza, being that everything else is useless repetition of that idea.
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Dude, I think that last stanza is all you need. You're right; everything else is useless repetition.
 
ElJuski

ElJuski

Staff member
Good poetry, to me, comes from a moment that is expressed perfectly. A snapshot of a life, delicate and lean. Seriously, toss the rest of the poem and work on that last stanza. Tighten it.

Also, please change the title. Make it something much more relateable. There's nothing more I hate than seeing some big word prefacing a poem. It's compensation.
 
G

Gothomo

The title is a bit convoluted, I must admit.

I think when I wrote this I had the last stanza in mind and decided to write up to that point, which ultimately resulted in me talking about the sky on a moonless night for three stanzas.

Thank you for your help on this. I love having the opportunity to get advice from other writers.
 
Dave

Dave

Staff member
Welcome back, by the way. Have you convinced your friend we're not all mindless idiots?
 
Null

Null

Gothomo said:
The title is a bit convoluted, I must admit.

I think when I wrote this I had the last stanza in mind and decided to write up to that point, which ultimately resulted in me talking about the sky on a moonless night for three stanzas.

Thank you for your help on this. I love having the opportunity to get advice from other writers.
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Don't write to a point, write FROM it. See what you discover along the way. The poem can't surprise you if you already know where it's headed.
 
G

Gothomo

Dave said:
Welcome back, by the way. Have you convinced your friend we're not all mindless idiots?
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Not at all. It's still a bit of a sore spot for her. She's not an artist by trade and she's rather proud of the work accomplished on Gothomo. The way that people here treated her abilities on this forum was kind of like kicking a puppy for not being able to eat dry food.

---------- Post added at 05:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:38 PM ----------

Ooh, Fangoria has returned from Spencer's with her sparkly dildo and a copy of Twilight. Lovely.

---------- Post added at 05:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:39 PM ----------
Null said:
Don't write to a point, write FROM it. See what you discover along the way. The poem can't surprise you if you already know where it's headed.
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Fair point. Not my best work, but I do like it. It needs a lot of revision to be presentable, but that is, after all, why I asked for some help :)

---------- Post added at 05:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:41 PM ----------
B.T.;404369][QUOTE=Gusto said:
Just most of us. :Leyla:
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Indeed. And here I was just getting bored. The Mighty Wordsmythe Who Will Always Write Better Than You has returned![/QUOTE]

I still love you. Can we get steak some time or something?
 
E

Element 117

It fills me with mirth that she's still a bit sore by what is ultimately the fault of the failure of your writing.
 
G

Gothomo

B.T. said:
It fills me with mirth that she's still a bit sore by what is ultimately the fault of the failure of your writing.
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It fills me with strange feelings to know that you still think about me and my comic. That steak is on me, by the way.
 
E

Element 117

Gothomo;404391][QUOTE=B.T. said:
It fills me with mirth that she's still a bit sore by what is ultimately the fault of the failure of your writing.
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It fills me with strange feelings to know that you still think about me and my comic. That steak is on me, by the way.[/QUOTE]

A serving of schadenfreude is a dish best served those deserving it.
 
G

Gothomo

B.T.;404394][QUOTE=Gothomo;404391][QUOTE=B.T. said:
It fills me with mirth that she's still a bit sore by what is ultimately the fault of the failure of your writing.
Click to expand...
It fills me with strange feelings to know that you still think about me and my comic. That steak is on me, by the way.[/QUOTE]

A serving of schadenfreude is a dish best served those deserving it.[/QUOTE]

A serving of blood and razor blades is best received by those who relish in it.
 
Null

Null

Gothomo;404398][QUOTE=B.T.;404394][QUOTE=Gothomo;404391][QUOTE=B.T. said:
It fills me with mirth that she's still a bit sore by what is ultimately the fault of the failure of your writing.
Click to expand...
It fills me with strange feelings to know that you still think about me and my comic. That steak is on me, by the way.[/QUOTE]

A serving of schadenfreude is a dish best served those deserving it.[/QUOTE]

A serving of blood and razor blades is best received by those who relish in it.[/QUOTE]

Okay, that one made me laugh out loud. That's hilariously bad - like dubbed Italian horror movie bad.
 
E

Element 117

That'd be @Shegokigo.

But here's the sweet spot, cowboy. You're the Mighty WordSmythe. Ppitiable pukey protestations from mere mortals aside, a Poet Laureate awaits you. Surely you've already procured a pile of paychecks from publishing powerhouses like the New Yorker or the Atlantic, and the Push Cart Prize is mere steps away from your greatness. Believe in yourself, and go be great!

---------- Post added at 06:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:09 PM ----------
Dave said:
Oh you two!

I wonder how that gal ever got the idea we are how she thinks we are.
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I'll have you know I awaited his return with baited breath.
 
Null

Null

That really isn't something to smile about. Your writing is weak because you anchor it with nothing. It has no substance, and because it carries no weight, it has no impact on the reader.
 
G

Gothomo

Null said:
That really isn't something to smile about. Your writing is weak because you anchor it with nothing. It has no substance, and because it carries no weight, it has no impact on the reader.
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Your post is weak because you anchor your opinion within with one instance of my poetry and some comic scripts that end up being heavily edited by the artist. I understand that you have little else to go on, but do think a moment before assuming anything about my prose.

For that matter, I doubt that you or Fangoria would ever say that anything I write is good because you have prematurely decided that the entire body of my work is abstract and juvenile. You fail to realize that I am not a poet, nor have I had any formal training on poetry. You also fail to realize that I am new to writing comics.

I readily accept that you don't like my work. You don't have to. Do take a workshop on how to critique though, you're terrible at it.

SMILE :)
 
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