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Maybe this should just be merged into CDS' thread, but it seems like that thread is really for movies that are either highly recommended, or recommended with reservations.

Some films, however, are so awful that it's a service to mankind to keep people from watching them, even out of morbid curiosity.



My donation: The Purifiers , starring Dom Monaghan, Kevin McKidd, and some random guy. I watched this through Netflix, because the concept of Merry and Lucius Vorenus starring together in a re-make of the Warriors featuring rival tae-kwan-do gangs set in Australia sounded so train-wreckish that there was no way it couldn't be unintentionally hilarious, especially drunk.

I was wrong.

If you took the Warriors, took out all the campiness (no Baseball Furies or gangland radio communications network), all the over-the-top dialogue, all the faux grittiness, dressed everyone in the same completely unobstrusive black gym clothing and trench coats, had everyone walk around in as if they were doing low-budget fashion catwalks, and replaced the hard-hitting fights with one-on-one regulated 1-touch-1-fall martial arts matches, and completely avoided any kind of internal-to-the-scene or overarching pacing but just had scenes sort of start and stop...you'd still have a better film than the Purifiers, because the director, in addition, clearly took himself too seriously.

The script is inane, the actors are wooden, and worst of all, the fight choreography is boring. You've all seen it before; the actors are all only taught three moves, so for the entire goddamm movie, they only use these three moves on one another, slowly, like clockwork.

Kevin McKidd looks like he did the entire thing drunk. I don't blame him, that was probably the only way he could get himself to do it.

I don't even know what Dom Monaghan was doing in this thing.

But it explains why he thought Wolverine was a step up in his film career.

I just have to say: I love it that people still use the term "protip."

I just know people are going to mention movies in here that I like.

anything that is ___ Movie and has no Wayans involved. Also: Meet the Spartans.

Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet. Really boring and bland and unmockable.

Van Helsing was pretty terrible, and a complete mess.

Let's Go to Prison - hey, directed by Bob Odendkirk, he was on Mr. Show! Should be funny, right? NO. NO IT ISNT. I felt so bad for Chi McBride.

This leads me to a question, Charlie. I wrote off Dance Flick as another avoidable version of these movies, and yet it appears to be populated with Wayans. Is it worth watching?

Charlie Dont Surf said:

anything that is ___ Movie and has no Wayans involved.

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I dunno, I feel like we've reached the point of lame-ass movie parodies where the presence of the Wayans is now completely not indicative of whether the film will even be funny, let alone watchable.

Jarhead. In fact I will gladly offer a used copy of Jarhead on dvd as a contest prize. Only viewed once.

Covar said:

Jarhead. In fact I will gladly offer a used copy of Jarhead on dvd as a contest prize. Only viewed once.

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Really? Haven't seen it, but heard it was decent...

Off the top of my head: Pathfinder, Ultraviolet, Bangkok Dangerous (the one with Nicholas Cage), Babylon AD.

Covar said:

Jarhead. In fact I will gladly offer a used copy of Jarhead on dvd as a contest prize. Only viewed once.

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Fucking LOVE that movie. LOVE it.

---------- Post added at 03:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:27 PM ----------

If you were expecting a war movie you're disappointed. That's not what the movie is about.

Dave;282245][quote=Covar said:

Jarhead. In fact I will gladly offer a used copy of Jarhead on dvd as a contest prize. Only viewed once.

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Fucking LOVE that movie. LOVE it.

---------- Post added at 03:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:27 PM ----------

If you were expecting a war movie you're disappointed. That's not what the movie is about.[/QUOTE]

The problem is they kind of marketed it that way.

The movie epitomizes the military's "hurry up and wait" attitude as well as teh banalities behind the day to day operations of a unit that is fighting a different enemy that they expected - boredom and bureaucracy.

Jarhead is awesome and is directed by Sam Mendes who I will follow into HELL to watch his movies. And marketing has never influenced my opinion of a movie, because, guess what? Marketing isn't the fucking movie!

Mystic River. 3+ hours of grown men crying.

Sweet jesus make me die.

Charlie Dont Surf said:

Jarhead is awesome and is directed by Sam Mendes who I will follow into HELL to watch his movies. And marketing has never influenced my opinion of a movie, because, guess what? Marketing isn't the fucking movie!

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I agree and disagree with this statement. I know what you're saying but when they market something wrong as they did here then it is basically bait & switch.

I can see the bitch about this but disagree that it's a bad movie.

Maybe that's because I am a former Marine.

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SeriousJay said:

Mystic River. 3+ hours of grown men crying.

Sweet jesus make me die.

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Good God. So far I've liked almost every movie people have hated.

I love Mystic River. Very powerful movie!

Ballistic vs Sever.... that movie gave new meaning to the word incoherent.

Charlie Dont Surf said:

anything that is ___ Movie and has no Wayans involved. Also: Meet the Spartans.

Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet. Really boring and bland and unmockable.

Van Helsing was pretty terrible, and a complete mess.

Let's Go to Prison - hey, directed by Bob Odendkirk, he was on Mr. Show! Should be funny, right? NO. NO IT ISNT. I felt so bad for Chi McBride.

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One of my favorite phrases uttered by a friend involved Van Helsing. It went like this-
The guy who played the vampire in Van Helsing made Bela Legosi look like Laurence Olivier.

I still giggle every time I think of that quote.

Dave;282245][quote=Covar said:

Jarhead. In fact I will gladly offer a used copy of Jarhead on dvd as a contest prize. Only viewed once.

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Fucking LOVE that movie. LOVE it.

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If you were expecting a war movie you're disappointed. That's not what the movie is about.[/QUOTE]

didn't help that I picked it up with a copy of Black Hawk Down.

[edit]I'm well versed in Hurry up and wait, the movie was just boring.

[edit2] And yes, not being a Marine also played a part.

Van Helsing makes it into my "so bad it's hilarious" category.

Southland Tales does not.

Transformers 2

Covar;282259][quote=Dave;282245][quote=Covar said:

Jarhead. In fact I will gladly offer a used copy of Jarhead on dvd as a contest prize. Only viewed once.

Click to expand...

Fucking LOVE that movie. LOVE it.

---------- Post added at 03:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:27 PM ----------

If you were expecting a war movie you're disappointed. That's not what the movie is about.[/quote]

didn't help that I picked it up with a copy of Black Hawk Down.

[edit]I'm well versed in Hurry up and wait, the movie was just boring.

[edit2] And yes, not being a Marine also played a part.[/QUOTE]

Boring is kinda the point.


You folks just aren't into character driven movies, are you?

Shannow said:

Transformers 2

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I wasn't gonna post it

Also Mystic River is good, and also just over 2 hours long

Felt like 3+. :O

Any Underworld sequel. They kept getting worse and worse...

Doom: my pores started bleeding out of the sheer visual pain of watching this aborted fetus of a movie.

Dagon: a cheapo movie version of Lovecraft's Shadow Over Innsmouth, set in the Spanish coastal town of Imboca. The maiden sacrificial scene is quite "I'll be in my bunk"-worthy, though...

Anaconda: Basically Jaws with a frickin' huge snake instead of a shark. Well, Jaws III, more likely.

Highlander 2

Anything with the name Ernest in it.

The Mummy 3 - Attack of the Asian...things

Catwoman

Son of the Mask

North_Ranger said:

Any Underworld sequel. They kept getting worse and worse...

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I'd actually put Underworld 2 at the top (bottom?) of the crap meter for that series. Underworld 3's best feature was that it wasn't Underworld 2.

Dave;282262][quote=Covar;282259][quote=Dave;282245][quote=Covar said:

Jarhead. In fact I will gladly offer a used copy of Jarhead on dvd as a contest prize. Only viewed once.

Click to expand...

Fucking LOVE that movie. LOVE it.

---------- Post added at 03:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:27 PM ----------

If you were expecting a war movie you're disappointed. That's not what the movie is about.[/quote]

didn't help that I picked it up with a copy of Black Hawk Down.

[edit]I'm well versed in Hurry up and wait, the movie was just boring.

[edit2] And yes, not being a Marine also played a part.[/QUOTE]

Boring is kinda the point.


You folks just aren't into character driven movies, are you?[/QUOTE]
When the characters are interesting.

Equilibrium. Sorry, just don't like that movie.

Ice Planet. Horrible and horribly stupid sci-fi movie that feels like the pilot of a lousy children's space adventure in partnership with Hasbro.

Battlefield Earth.

Anything with Uwe Boll behind the wheel. If I recall correctly, in BloodRayne he hired prostitutes to play the role of vampiric concubines because they were apparently better actors than the ones he had originally hired.

Showgirls. Except for spanking the salami or caressing the taco.

Shannow said:

Transformers 2

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Having recently watched it again I agree.

I know I defended it a lot months ago, but I think I was lost in the audience experience. I saw it again recently on bootleg and I think I actually started crying.

If I was an alcoholic, I would have made a drinking game out of it. Every time Michael Bay shows us some random piece of military masterbation, take a shot.

Another on my "list"

Dungeons and Dragons (SNAILS... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

Uwe Boll's videogame movies, to me, are the perfect storm for riffing. I really truly enjoy watching them with friends an cracking jokes. I'm almost disappointed by the buzz that his latest is actually good.

Charlie Dont Surf said:

Uwe Boll's videogame movies, to me, are the perfect storm for riffing. I really truly enjoy watching them with friends an cracking jokes. I'm almost disappointed by the buzz that his latest is actually good.

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He's...he's making a film about Darfur...

Blade 3 I wanted to walk out, but couldn't since I was with my husband and some of his friends. It was beyond bad. The only movie I have seen that comes close to it in awfulness was Solaris (2002).

Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre.

In both instance, I turned to my friend about half an hour into it and said "So, when does this movie get funny?" and turned it off.

I see what you did, you implied that neither movie was funny till that point.

I liked both, not that i would watch them more than once a year.

No, I literally turned them off half an hour into watching them. I thought they were both stupid and didn't want to waste any further time on them.

Nearly did it with Transformers 2, but my roommate stopped me.

Catwoman
The Cave
A Sound Of Thunder
X-Files: I Want To Believe
Godsend
White Noise
Anything made by Coleman Francis

Charlie Dont Surf said:

anything that is ___ Movie and has no Wayans involved. Also: Meet the Spartans.

Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet. Really boring and bland and unmockable.

Van Helsing was pretty terrible, and a complete mess.

Let's Go to Prison - hey, directed by Bob Odendkirk, he was on Mr. Show! Should be funny, right? NO. NO IT ISNT. I felt so bad for Chi McBride.

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Aeon Flux I'll give you, but Ultraviolet was beautiful.

ThatNickGuy said:

Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre.

In both instance, I turned to my friend about half an hour into it and said "So, when does this movie get funny?" and turned it off.

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Once again you don't let me down Nick. I can count on you to be the exact opposite of me in taste in movies, without skipping a beat.

Frau VildSoul said:

Blade 3 I wanted to walk out, but couldn't since I was with my husband and some of his friends. It was beyond bad. The only movie I have seen that comes close to it in awfulness was Solaris (2002).

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Really? I thought Blade 3 was a great movie to make up for the atrocity that was Blade 2. Then again I blocked out every scene that didn't have Hannibal King it.....

She likes to make PLAYLISTS on her IPOD to listen to

Shegokigo said:

Frau VildSoul said:

Blade 3 I wanted to walk out, but couldn't since I was with my husband and some of his friends. It was beyond bad. The only movie I have seen that comes close to it in awfulness was Solaris (2002).

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Really? I thought Blade 3 was a great movie to make up for the atrocity that was Blade 2. Then again I blocked out every scene that didn't have Hannibal King it.....

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For me Blade was ok. Blade 2 was kind of bad, but watchable in a rainy boring Sunday afternoon kind of way. Blade Trinity...
Ryan Reynolds was incredibly hot in it though!!

Future War
Colma: The Musical

Lost Boys: The Tribe is definitely on here. The Tom Savini cameo just doesn't justify it.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - and most other movies with Matthew Mchonogey (however you say that)

(in the opinion of my family - I didn't see it) Where the Wild Things Are - The family saw it; the camera work made them sick and made it difficult to tell what was going on at times, the kid seemed emotionally disturbed rather than wild, and it was too intense for PG - kids were leaving, freaked out at bits like a monster tearing another's arm off.

Will Ferrell movies (any and all - and yes, I do feel Ron Burgandy sucked)

Totally agree with Will Ferrell movies with one exception: Stranger Than Fiction.

Everyone, I now give you: the worst movie ever.

HP Lovecrafts The Tomb.

To this day whenever someone asks me what the worst movie I ever saw was, I visibly cringe. This movie isn't just not fun to mock, it deflects mocking. Any attempts to point out just how terrible any given moment is will just be the last vestiges of your sanity trying to keep your soul from dying. Your voice will be monotone, your skin pale, and your words fruitless. The Tomb will make any other movie that has been listed seem a masterpiece, I guarantee it.

The movie sounds truly Lovecraftian.

Baerdog7 said:

The movie sounds truly Lovecraftian.

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If it had anything whatsoever to do with Lovecraft like the name suggests, it may have been watchable.

But only 'may'. I would put nothing past this movie.

The worst movie I have ever seen, which I am also ashamed to say I sought out, bought, and now own, is called Spanish Judges. Hands down worst movie ever!

Gah, I am getting pissed off just thinking about that shit.

Probably GI Joe.

I went to see it in theatres wit some friends wen it came out and I probably spent a net 20 minutes with my face turned away from the screen as though watching the movie was causing discomfort, like staring into the sun.

Then me and one of my friends went to our usual pub where I proceeded to chug a pitcher of cheap domestic.

I've heard such mixed things about where the wild things are. I never read it, so I don't have any emotional attachment, so I really just don't know if I should see it or not.

Dungeons & Dragons. dear god that movie was horrible.

North_Ranger said:

Equilibrium. Sorry, just don't like that movie.

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Don't want to veer too far off course, but I love watching this movie. Yes, I know the plot is a ripoff of Fahrenheit 451 and it was trying hard to capitalize on the success of the Matrix, and there's one plot hole in the middle of the movie large enough to drive a galaxy through, but it's still just an oddly fun movie to watch. I don't think another movie so full of ripoffs and plot holes has ever managed to be so creative with fight scenes.

twitchmoss said:

Dungeons & Dragons. dear god that movie was horrible.

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I loved the camp that it had, the silly "serious" feel it had going and the overacting was great.

Why do people keep telling me there was a Wayans brother in it though? :bush:

I suppose I should at least offer up something on topic as well:

Spiderman 3: Only worth watching if you want to see what happens when a director uses a movie to stick it to the publishing studio.

Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Transformers, Transformers 2 - The fact that these movies made and continue to make truckloads of money has made me completely lose faith in the film consumer, and the best evidence I can produce that we are heading toward Ass: The Movie in the near future.

You had faith in the film consumer?

Like. Really? :bush:

I lost hope for our future in entertainment when Survivor and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, destroyed ratings for years.

I second A Sound of Thunder. Went to see it in the local cinema because it sounded good. Biggest mistake I've ever made with regards to movies.

I liked Van Helsing, though.

Shegokigo;282555][quote=twitchmoss said:

Dungeons & Dragons. dear god that movie was horrible.

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I loved the camp that it had, the silly "serious" feel it had going and the overacting was great.

Why do people keep telling me there was a Wayans brother in it though? :bush:[/QUOTE]

Because there was?

The thing about most of these movies is that they're movies you didn't like that much, but other people either like or can at least tolerate.

The only real IMDB discussion regarding The Tomb is 'how far did you make it until you turned it off?' and the most common response is 'fifteen minutes'.

I've never seen Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, but I have some sort of masochistic urge to watch it. I don't know why.

Well, okay, I do know why, and its initials are K.K.

bhamv3 said:

I've never seen Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, but I have some sort of masochistic urge to watch it. I don't know why.

Well, okay, I do know why, and its initials are K.K.

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Don't do it, dude. I saw it for free, and certainly don't mind K.K., and it was just awful.

It wasn't awful in the original JCVD Street Fighter hilarious way (Raul Julia fucking rules/d) but awful in the "This is so boring, slow, stupid, vapid, unentertaining in any way" way.

The Legend of Chun Li was as boring as watching water evaporate from a table.

Yeah, the original Street Fighter movie was so bad and campy (and it knew it, too) it twisted right around into "awesome" territory.

Unlike, say, the first Mortal Kombat movie (which came out around the same time, right?), which took itself too seriously.

Gerry has to be the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. After hearing it had Damon and Affleck I thought it would be at least watchable. It is the most boring thing ever. This one shot went on for about 15 minutes (no exaggeration) of matt walking in the flat barren desert, no changing back scape, no dialogue, nothing! I curse whatever forces put it on the shelf for my friends and me to find.

Shegokigo said:

Ultraviolet was beautiful.

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If we're just talking about the girl, then yes, kinda. But i could get that fix by watching The fifth element.

Ultraviolet was the worst movie I have seen ever.

I thought The Musketeer was really bad, though it's been a while since I saw it so I can't give any details. I do recall, though, that they put a bunch of Matrix-style wire-work fighting in there, and it just looked ridiculous on a bunch of rapier-wielding Frenchmen.

SeriousJay said:

Ballistic vs Sever.... that movie gave new meaning to the word incoherent.

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How about Ecks vs Sever?

Alex B. said:

I thought The Musketeer was really bad, though it's been a while since I saw it so I can't give any details. I do recall, though, that they put a bunch of Matrix-style wire-work fighting in there, and it just looked ridiculous on a bunch of rapier-wielding Frenchmen.

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The bit where he was rolling around on the ceiling just looked retarded.