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Bad Jokes

Jul 18, 2009#1

Rubicon

post'em if you got them

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite..."

Jul 18, 2009#2

The Lovely Boehner

viewforum.php?f=2

Jul 18, 2009#3

Rubicon

Charlie Dont Surf said:
http://forum.halforum.com/viewforum.php?f=2

we have a winner

Jul 18, 2009#4

http://www.pvponline.com/

Jul 19, 2009#5

Bowielee

ThatNickGuy said:
http://www.pvponline.com/

missed it my 3 minutes. :Leyla:

Jul 19, 2009#6

B

bhamv2

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender notices his head is huge and orange. Like a giant tangerine, three feet across, with eyes and a nose and a mouth on it. He serves the man his drink, but can't help but stare at the massive red thing atop the man's shoulders.

The man says, "I suppose you're wondering why my head looks like this."

The bartender says, "Sorry, I didn't mean to stare, but I'll admit I am a bit curious."

The man says, "Well you see, it's because I came across this magic lamp not long ago. I rubbed the lamp and a genie came out, and granted me three wishes."

"So what were your wishes?" The bartender asks.

The man says, "Well, my first wish was for health. And it worked, my bad leg suddenly worked fine, my eyesight's perfect again, and the genie says I should be able to live for centuries as long as I don't get into any accidents. My second wish was for wealth, and the genie gave me a treasure chest full of gold and jewels and money, enough that I'd never run out."

"And the third wish?" The bartender asks.

The man replies, "Well, for my third wish... I asked for a big orange head."

Jul 19, 2009#7

North_Ranger

Baby jokes, and dead baby jokes especially:

"What's the difference between a Jaguar and ten dead babies?
I don't have a Jaguar in my garage."

"What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?
I don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it."

"How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off his head."

And the list goes on...

Jul 19, 2009#8

phil

A rabbi a priest and a whale all walk into a bar.

The Rabbi goes up to the bartender and says "I believe that the messiah has not yet come to us, and would simply like some wine,"

The Priest goes up and he says "I believe that the messiah has come and died for our sins, and so I would like some wine, which represents his blood and some bread that represents his body,"

Finally the whale goes up to the bartender and he says:

Jul 19, 2009#9

twitchmoss

what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?

sistermatic.

a man walks in to a bar with a lizard on his shoulder, walks up to the bar and says 'i'll have a beer, and a glass of water for my lizard, tiny'. the barman asks him 'why do you call him tiny?'
"because he's my newt'

Jul 19, 2009#10

checkeredhat

What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?
[spoiler:23q9f8cg]cheese whuz.[/spoiler:23q9f8cg]
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
[spoiler:23q9f8cg]nacho cheese.[/spoiler:23q9f8cg]
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
[spoiler:23q9f8cg]You 'nique up on it.[/spoiler:23q9f8cg]
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
[spoiler:23q9f8cg]the tame way. You 'nique up on it.[/spoiler:23q9f8cg]

Jul 19, 2009#11

figmentPez

This is the story of the 3 little pigs building their houses.

The first little pig built his house out of sticks. He worked all day, and the next day as well. When he was finished he had sticks left over. So he took the sticks and threw them into the forest.

The second little pig built his house out of straw. He worked all day, and the next day, and for another day after that. When he was finished he had straw left over, so he threw the straw into the river.

The third little pig built his house out of bricks. He was a planner though, so he worked all day on blueprints. He planned exactly how many bricks he would need, down to the last brick. After buying all his materials, he worked all day building, and the next day, and for more than a week after that. When he was finished he sighed contentedly, looking at the solid house he had build. Then he noticed the impossible, he had a single brick left over! He checked his plan, and he checked his house, but found no errors. He checked his receipt from the store, but he could not figure out where the extra brick came from. Finally, in confused desperation, the pig threw the brick up into the air!

:rofl:

I love that joke. Ever since I was a kid. It's definitely a bad joke, but it makes me laugh anyway.

Jul 19, 2009#12

filmfanatic

figmentPez said:
This is the story of the 3 little pigs building their houses.

The first little pig built his house out of sticks. He worked all day, and the next day as well. When he was finished he had sticks left over. So he took the sticks and threw them into the forest.

The second little pig built his house out of straw. He worked all day, and the next day, and for another day after that. When he was finished he had straw left over, so he threw the straw into the river.

The third little pig built his house out of bricks. He was a planner though, so he worked all day on blueprints. He planned exactly how many bricks he would need, down to the last brick. After buying all his materials, he worked all day building, and the next day, and for more than a week after that. When he was finished he sighed contentedly, looking at the solid house he had build. Then he noticed the impossible, he had a single brick left over! He checked his plan, and he checked his house, but found no errors. He checked his receipt from the store, but he could not figure out where the extra brick came from. Finally, in confused desperation, the pig threw the brick up into the air!

I love that joke. Ever since I was a kid. It's definitely a bad joke, but it makes me laugh anyway.

Wait, wait. That reminds me of another joke.

A man and a woman are sitting on a plane. The man is lighting up a cigarette, which bothers the woman's chihuahua. She insists that he put out his cigarette. The man, annoyed by her chihuahua's incessant barking, made an offer with her: he would throw his cigarettes out of the window of the plane, if she also threw her chihuahua out as well. She agreed and they threw their respective objects out of the window. Now, the woman agreed to this because she had a leash on her chihuahua. She gives the leash a good, hard yank to pull the dog back on board. However, the chihuahua knocks the man out on its way back in. He was knocked out by an object in the dog's mouth. What was in the chihuahua's mouth?

A brick! :rimshot:

Jul 19, 2009#13

redapples

http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/

Its funny because its true.

In truth I'm not sure how I feel about that site. So to those I offend please tell me why.

Jul 19, 2009#14

Rubicon

Three guys are out in a field playing football. Larry, David and Tommy. Larry tosses a long ball pass to David who goes for it. Before David can catch the ball, he trips and lands on the grass. Larry and Tommy come running over to see if he's ok and they notice something sticking out of the ground. Tommy picks it up and it appears to be an old Arabian looking lantern. Tommy rubs the dirt off of it and a Genie pops out.

"I am the Genie of this lamp, I shall grant three wishes. Since there are three of you each shall we recieve one wish."

Genie looks at Larry and says "What will be your wish?"

Larry ponders it over and says "Ya know, I'd like a dick made of solid ice that doesn't melt."

Genie bobs his arms and head and says "Granted." Larry runs home to his wife with glee.

Genie looks at David and says "What will be your wish?"

David thinks it through a few times and says "Hmm I'd like a dick made out of real wood that'll never break."

Genie bobs his arms and head and says "Granted." David speeds home in his car with glee.

Genie looks at Tommy and says "What will be your wish?"

Tommy bounces it back and forth some and says "I want a dick thats a hundred feet long".

Genie bobs his arms and head and says "Granted." Tommy casually walks home.

A week passes and the three friends meet together, angry, worried and sad so they summon the Genie again.

Larry looks up at the Genie and says "Genie, I need my wish undone. Every time my wife and I have sex, she gets too cold."

Genie considers it, bobs his arms and head, "Done." he says. Larry goes home.

David looks up at the Genie and says "Genie, I also need my wish undone. Every time my wife and I wanna dance horizontally she keeps getting splinters."

Genie considers it and bobs his arms andhead, "Done." he says. David goes home.

Finally Genie looks over at Tommy and says "I suppose you want your wish undone too?"

Tommy says "No Genie not at all."

Genie says "Why's that Tommy?"

Tommy says "See that woman crossing the street down the block?"

Genie says "Yea, so?"

Tommy sways his hips in thrust and says "Pow, got her."

Jul 19, 2009#15

North_Ranger

This one's told in my hometown of Säkylä about the neighbouring town of Köyliö:

"Why do people from Köyliö have pointy ears?
- Because when they were children, they were lifted up from them and told: 'Son, look over there. That's Säkylä.'"

And some Swede jokes:

"How can you drive a Swede crazy?
- Put him in a round room and tell there's fish casserole in the corner."

"Why couldn't Jesus be born in Sweden?
- Because you can't find three wise men and a virgin in there."

"How do you recognize Swedish toilet paper?
- It's got instructions printed on each piece."

"A Swedish battleship was on patrol on a dark and foggy night, when suddenly they saw light up ahead. The captain ordered to make radio contact with this other vessel.
- Attention, you are blocking our current course. Move aside.
- No, it's you who have to move, came the answer.
The captain, infuriated by the answer, came to the radio.
- This is the captain speaking. You will move aside from our course!
- No, we won't, came the answer.
Now the captain was really pissed off.
- Move aside NOW! This is a battleship!
- No, you move. This is a lighthouse."

Jul 20, 2009#16

Another good rivalry joke. I'll use the local rival universities, Clemson University and Univ. of South Carolina.

A Clemson alumnus and a USC alumnus were next to each other in a public restroom. As they were leaving, the Clemson man stopped at the sinks as the USC man went to exit. The Clemson alum smartly quipped, "At Clemson, they taught us to always wash our hands when we are done in the restroom!" The USC alum replied as he left, "At USC, they taught us not to piss on our hands."

Jul 20, 2009#17

Shegokigo

North_Ranger said:
Baby jokes, and dead baby jokes especially:

"What's the difference between a Jaguar and ten dead babies?
I don't have a Jaguar in my garage."

"What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?
I don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it."

"How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off his head."

And the list goes on...

How do you fit 20 babies into a bathtub?
A blender.

How do you get them out afterwards?
Tortilla chips.

Jul 20, 2009#18

Dusty668

Three guys walk into a bar. One of them should have seen it.

Jul 20, 2009#19

sixpackshaker

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Joe got into an argument with a big man who threatened, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face." Joe told him, "You'll be sorry." "Oh, yeah? Why?" Joe said, "Cause you'll never be able to get into the corners!"

Men can't help it; they wake up aroused. Women think, "How can he want me, the way that I look?" Easy; they can't see you. There's no blood anywhere near their optic nerve!

Jul 23, 2009#20

redapples

An Irish man goes to a building site in search of work.

The foreman says that in order to get work he must show capability by answering a few questions. He asks him if he knows the difference between joists and girders.

Smiling the man says "That's easy one wrote 'The Dubliners' the other wrote 'Faust'".

Jul 23, 2009#21

bhamv3

redapples said:
An Irish man goes to a building site in search of work.

The foreman says that in order to get work he must show capability by answering a few questions. He asks him if he knows the difference between joists and girders.

Smiling the man says "That's easy one wrote 'The Dubliners' the other wrote 'Faust'".

I giggled at this one.

Jul 23, 2009#22

redapples

It helps if you say it out loud. Glad you enjoyed it. I think this is my favourite joke along with:

A woman walks into a bar and asks the cocktail waiter for a 'Double Entendre', so he gives her one.

Jul 23, 2009#23

Mr_Chaz

A young boy walks up to his mum one day and says "Mummy, where does poo come from?"

"Well" says the mum, "When you have something to eat it goes into your tummy, and all the way through your insides where all the good bits get taken out of it to make you healthy, and then the rest all the useless bits, they come out as poo."

"Oh," says the child, "Well where does Tigger come from?"

Jul 23, 2009#24

sixpackshaker

Today's CyberJoke 3000™

The scoutmaster was teaching his scouts about desert survival. "What are the three most important things you should carry in case you get lost in the desert?" Little Johnny's hand shot up. "Yes, John." Little Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of playing cards." "Why, John?" Little Johnny said, "The compass helps you find your way and the water prevents dehydration. " "Very good, John. But what about the cards?" asked the scoutmaster. "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, 'You could play that red nine on that black ten!' "

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along!"

Jul 23, 2009#25

Cajungal

My old theology teacher used to say, during a test,

"Miss, are you finish?"

"You mean am I finished?"

"No, are you finish?"

"um...."

"Student. Clearly... the correct answer is.... no, Doctor, I am American." (meaning vs/ Finnish, of course. Stupid, but he always made me laugh.)
___________________________________________

He also went to a photo both that advertised 60-minute photos, but there was no dash between 60 and minute. So he'd come in and say, "I'm here for the 60 small photos you're advertising."

God, I miss him...

Jul 23, 2009#26

Hailey Knight

BETTER NATE THAN LEVER! DURRRRRRR!

Jul 23, 2009#27

Thread Necromancer

sixpackshaker said:
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along!"

I find this one especially hilarious because just a few days ago my (soon to be ex)wife gave birth to her new daughter. I was not present (wouldn't have wanted to be) but the father was.

As such, I personaly get a little smirk everytime I think of them having to explain their "situation."

As I feel obligated to add a bad joke at this point in time, said child was born on my and my (again, soon to be ex)wife's anniversary.

Jul 23, 2009#28

Shegokigo

What situation are they going to have to explain? She's not going to be married to you anymore and she has a child with him?

Jul 23, 2009#29

lafftaff

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
[spoiler:9iib7yfd]Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls![/spoiler:9iib7yfd] :rofl:

Jul 23, 2009#30

Where do you take sick wasps?

[spoiler:3l53f6jo]To the Waspital![/spoiler:3l53f6jo]
:rimshot:

A man is walking down the street with a frog's head sticking out from his forehead. A woman stops him and exclaims, "My word, that is strange! How did that happen to you?" The frog replies, "Well, it started as a bump on my ass."

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Well, do YOU know how to drive this thing?"
:rimshot:

Jul 23, 2009#31

HCGLNS

The greatest comedian of my time said:
OK, so a guy asks me 'Did you take a bath today?' and I said Why is there one missing?

What do you get when you put chocolate pudding in your mother's shoes? Give up? You get a spanking!

Why do movie stars have lots of fans? Give up? Because their HOT!

What did the big dragon say to the mouse? Give up. Nothing! Dragons can't talk!

Did I tell you the one about the man with the lightbulb in his nose? He was lightheaded!

Why are fish so smart? Give up? 'Cause they swim in schools.

Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog.

Jul 23, 2009#32

blotsfan

A rabbi and a priest get in a car crash. They both exit the cars and the Rabbi says "While are are are damaged, we are both fortunate enough that it was God's will to let us be unharmed. I have a bottle of wine in the car, let's toast to our health." The priest agrees. So the rabbi pours them each a glass of wine. The priest drinks his, but before the rabbi drinks any, the cops show up. Once they get there, the Rabbi says "Cops! Check his breath, this man has been drinking!"

Jul 24, 2009#33

redapples

How can you tell that pinocchio is an ornithologist?
[spoiler:s8c34u9i]Because he has a wood pecker.[/spoiler:s8c34u9i]

Aug 27, 2009#34

klew

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Aug 27, 2009#35

Cuyval Dar

klew said:
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Aug 27, 2009#36

North_Ranger

"I have a dog without a nose..."

Aug 27, 2009#37

Vytamindi

What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A NECK-tarine!

Nina lives in the heart of NYC. She's a little different from most of her friends, much to her roommate's chagrin, because she has a desire of dating ONLY musicians in the NY Philharmonic, even though there is not a stitch of musicality in her body.

It's Monday night. She is getting ready to go on a date with the principle trumpeter of the NYPO when her roommate wishes her a good evening, knowing that if the evening goes well, she won't be returning until dawn. After three hours, Nina returns slightly exasperated. The roommate asks Nina why she's returned so early and Nina replies, "Geeze, that's the last time I date a trumpeter. His lips were so thin, I could barely kiss him! I'm going to bed now, have a date with the principle tuba player tomorrow night!"

It's now Tuesday. At 6 o'clock the tuba playing chap picks Nina up for dinner. Once again, Nina returns earlier then expected. Curious, her roommate once again asks what happened. "God... enough with tuba players. His lips were so loose, he kept slobbering all over me for our goodnight kiss. Going to bed now, have a date with a French horn player tomorrow night!"

Wednesday night rolls around and Nina is picked up by her date. Apparently the date was a success because she didn't come home until the next morning. When asked how well her date went, Nina replied, "Meh, his lips were thin, just like the trumpet guy, but I loved the way he held me!"

Guys, I am so bad at typing out jokes. It's better to hear this one than to read it!

Aug 27, 2009#38

Dave

North_Ranger said:
"I have a dog without a nose..."

A dog without a nose? How does he smell?

(someone had to do it)

Aug 27, 2009#39

Vytamindi

Dave said:
A dog without a nose? How does he smell?

(someone had to do it)

Huh... I get it now....

I'm going to watch more Muppet Show when I get home now...

Aug 27, 2009#40

kevin91

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a boogie in it!

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

Aug 27, 2009#41

Pojodan

A preist, a rabbi, and a clergyman walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What, is this some sort of joke?"

Aug 27, 2009#42

netsirk

where did Napoleon keep his armies?

in his sleevies!

Aug 27, 2009#43

Allen, who is Quiet

netsirk said:
where did Napoleon keep his armies?

in his sleevies!

post for forever

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